How to get MIL to stop gushing or how do I handle it better?

[MoonJelly]

MIL constantly gushes over DD (6) and it clearly makes her uncomfortable--she just clams up and gets reserved which is the opposite of what I think the grandparents want, right?  We all just sit there awkwardly waiting for her to finish.  Frequently it's about DD's appearance which particularly bothers me.  Like today when she picked her up for Disney on Ice and just went on and on about how wonderful she looked in her princess dress and her tiara "Oh that is just sooo stunning yada yada yada."  It's just a store-brought mass-produced dress and a dollar store tiara/crown thingy .  And it's never one simple statement--it's always a whole long series of things.  DD just gets sullen and withdrawn and then MIL has to ask what's wrong, etc.  It's this whole cycle of yuck and I feel helpless in mitigating it.  I am not really even a fan of Disney and all that goes with it. 

Other times it's her going on about craft projects or artwork that DD has done and how amazing they are whereas DH and I prefer a more 'Unconditional Parenting' approach. 

I have DD2 climbing on me to nurse so I gotta run but maybe someone has some BTDT.  Sorry if the post was rambling! 

[ecoteat]

My MIL does that sometimes too. It doesn't seem to bother DD much, but she doesn't know how to respond, either. We also just sit back and wait for her to finish or wait for a chance to change the subject. Sometimes DH will interrupt and model how we talk to her, maybe something like "Oh, Phoebe, what a gorgeous dress! You look so beautiful today! Where did you get it?!" (forgetting of course that she bought it for her), and then DH will butt in and say something about how it doesn't matter what DD is wearing, but isn't that a nice song she just made up?

[ShadowMom]

Well, I'm all about not trying to control someone's actions unless it's directly harmful and they need a boundary.  So I honestly wouldn't do anything.

I'd talk to my child afterward, though, and find out what she was feeling and why.  But that's more about being aware of emotions and helping to deal with them.  If she talked about being uncomfortable I might ask why or help her to put words to what she's feeling.

[hakeber]

I would, at the age of SIX, give my daughter the words to request from her rgandma that she stops in a very NVC sort of way:

Grandma, when you (make value statements about my appearance/ give more than two successive compliments/ implicitly connect your love for me on my actions or my looks or my abilities, etc) , I feel uncomfortable and anxious.  Please, keep your praise to a minimum and instead (give me a hug/write me a letter/ teach me a new skill, etc).

This way

A) Grandma hears it directly from the child.

B) grandma hears how it makes her feel.

C) grandma gets a clear respectful non-judgemental reflection of what her actions create.

D)  Grandma gets a clear request which she can choose to respect, deny or work on slowly (old habits die hard, especially if words are her love language).

Then teach DD how to respond when others do not meet our needs.  She really is old enough to start saying to her gran, Okay Grandma, that's enough now.  I didn't make the dress and how I look in it is pretty unimportant anyway. 

It also might be helpful to teach her how to take a compliment gracefully and stop the gushing in its tracks, because she will probably get a lot of that her in her life, especially if she is at all an attractive individual, and cowering or turning bashful is not a good way for her to react as it will just make people gush more...IME.  People misinterpret blushing and speechlessness for a signal that means "oh go on you old so and so.  Most will assume you are being coy, not uncomfortable, because for most people, especially ina western society, it is inconceivable that someone would feel negative feelings in a response to praise. 

The best thing she can do is simply smile and graciously say, "Thank you.  That's very kind. ( then change the subject: And you don't you look lovely, too./ What an interesting _____ you're wearing, where did you get it? / It is gorgeous weather today, isn't it? look at the time, we should be going!  Have you seen our new house plant?  Pass the bean dip please.)"  This is a socially acceptable and common practice in almost all cultures I can think of that implicitly implies to the listener (especially of a grandparent's era) that one is appreciative of the intention behind the compliment in a most basic way as one understands that the compliment was meant to create positive feelings and a sense of worth, but it is making one feel awkward and uncomfortable and it is time to stop and move on. 

Because you don't have the time in life to educate everyone on the value of unconditional love and the values of modern feminism...even MILs who mean well. 

[MoonJelly]

LOL'd at this: 

"People misinterpret blushing and speechlessness for a signal that means 'oh go on you old so and so.' "

So true.

Thanks for the feedback!

[pianojazzgirl]

Maybe the easiest thing would be to suggest to dd that she just simply say "thank you" after the first compliment.  I think the pp is right that if she remains quietly blushing that might spur MIL to gush even more.  If gma says "oh dd what an absolutely fantastic Disney princess dress!!!", then dd says "thanks gma", then (hopefully) it might end at that.