MIL let DD CIO! what do I do now?!

[sosurreal09]

I completely AP my DD (16 m/o). My cig shows alot about how we live ect.

So MIL watched her for 1hr if that while SIL and I went to the store. First time MIL has ever watched her assured me she wouldn't just let her cry or anything ect ect.

Well apparently DD freaked out when I left and "didn't want anyone or any help" so she left her alone (aka left her and smoked some cigs outside) She said after DD had been crying a long time she finally picked her up and calmed her on the couch with some music doll thing.

To me this is the equivalent of CIO. Obvs I will never leave her with DD again ever.

DD is very spirited and high needs, but also very self assured and confident. All day after I came back and all day today she has been hysterical and if I even move away from her she is instantly screaming and clinging for dear life. She is usually really confident and independent esp at home. I tried to take her out for dinner with me and DH and she was hysterical the whole time we were their and ended up getting the food to go and leaving b/c it was that bad.

So what do I do now to help her? She has NEVER acted like this before ever. She's just not even acting like herself. I am so upset.

[annettemarie]

I'm sorry this happened. I am going to move this thread over to our Toddler forum.

[pbjmama]

She will probably be like this for a few days at least. Keep reassuring her and staying close. She will be okay.

I'm sorry your MIL did that to your dd, especially after you specifically instructed her and trusted her.

[lifeguard]

Just keep reassuring her. Apologize to her & explain that it won't happen again. She may not understand all the words but she will understand the intent. Be content to give her a little more love than usual for a few days.

[mkksmom]

I think you need to follow her lead. If she's clingy, then maybe you can wear her. Spend some time playing with her on the floor. Also, if you are stressed out about this (and I would be a bit), then try to calm yourself down and and don't let it show. Your LO will sense something is wrong/mama is stressed and it will make her feel more uncertain. Just stay calm and she'll come around faster and feel more secure.

Now you know MIL can't be trusted with a toddler. Some people aren't baby/toddler people. My dd gets like that where she just wants to cry and doesn't want anyone to help her until she is ready. I have walked away for a minute, and it does help her to calm down sometimes, but I am talking about leaving for 30 seconds or less. DH thinks it's fine to sit there and ignore her if it's me she wants and I get so frustrated. I tell him you can at least try to help her/distract her/let her know you're there... not play on the computer.

I guess it is OK to leave and regroup when frustrated. And it sounds like MIL was frustrated. I'm surprised she told you, actually. But she wouldn't be babysitting any more if possible if it were me. In fact my MIL has yet to babysit this LO and rarely gets to babysit my 6 YO.

[North_Of_60]

Originally Posted by sosurreal09 

To me this is the equivalent of CIO.

I can understand feeling a little guilty that your first experience with a babysitter didn't go as well as planned, but I'm going to be the voice of decent and say that I do not believe your mother in law was letting your daughter "cry it out". I tend to define "CIO" as letting children cry to teach them something. Like sleep training. Or "ferberizing". With the goal of having a child that basically sleeps on command.

I'm sorry, I just don't think that inconsolable crying is the same as "crying it out". Children who are left to "cry it out" in what I mentioned above tend to suffer emotional distress and perhaps experience feelings of abandonment and hopelessness. When a fussy baby is in the presence of a loving caregiver who, despite their best effort, is unable to console them, they're just not experiencing the same thing as a baby who is left to cry for hours in a crib in the effort to teach them how to "self sooth".

By your account of the situation, your mother in law did in fact TRY to sooth your daughter, and subsequently followed your daughter's lead by being available to her when SHE was ready to be soothed. She did not forcibly put your daughter in a crib or lock her in a room against her wishes in an attempt to teach her a lesson. She did the best she could to sooth a baby who didn't want to be soothed. And in the end ended up succeeding. 

I think the lesson here is that the next time you want to take advantage of a babysitter, you have to first determine how important leaving the house is, and under what circumstances you're willing to forfeit your outting, and then set a plan in action for everyone to follow should things not go well at home. When I left to go grocery shopping in the early days I always made it clear that if she got REALLY fussy and inconsolable, that I would simply just return home, and the plan was to call me when she acted like it was time for a meltdown.

However, there were also times when I either got stuck being away longer than planned, or simply could not drop what I was doing to return home, and everyone was just going to have to deal with the situation as best they could. At 16 months old even *I* couldn't console her all the time. It's called toddler meltdowns. They happen. Sometimes I had to walk away until she was ready to be comforted. That's quite normal in this age range, and in my opinion, is WORLDS away from "crying it out". I think *real* crying-it-out is reprehensible and I would never even consider it for any of my children. However, that it is not at all what happened here.

As for her seemingly sudden change in behavior, I'd put money on her coming down with a cold or something. Maybe teething? I also think she's probably affected by you being so upset. I think you need to spend a fun and comforting afternoon putting this behind you and not let it bother you as much as it is. I know it can be upsetting to know we can't undo what is already done, and that we can't undo what we feel might not have been the best decision (like you leaving the house), but that guilt will eat away at you, and if it transforms into anger and resentment toward members of your daughter's family, it WILL impact her relationship with them. And that's not healthy or fair to her. She deserves to have a relationship with her grandma, and grandma has to find her footing as a babysitter. This was her FIRST time babysitting, and in my estimation, did a pretty good job. It's hard as parents to let go and let other caregivers put their own spin on things, but I promise you, it's a good experience for both your daughter and your MIL. And you.

I think you should cut your mother in law some slack. She didn't do anything wrong.

[North_Of_60]

Back again. Sorry. I did want to address the smoking thing. I don't know what your policy is on babysitters smoking, but that is about the only thing that would cause me not to ask MIL back to babysit. I just don't want my daughter breathing in the fumes and smelling like smoke. It's gross.

But in all honesty, I don't have an issue with her leaving the room if your daughter doesn't want to be comforted. Just the fact that she left to go smoke. If that makes sense.

I also have a few questions.. you said DD cried for a long time. Was your MIL outside the whole time? Or just went out a few times to smoke real quick? Could she see your daughter? Like through a glass sliding door or something? What was she doing the rest of the time? Was she with DD, in the same room, talking to her? I would be upset if my daughter was left alone for a whole hour. But periodically leaving if she's inconsolable is no biggie. To me.

[Knitting Mama]

To me, and this is just my opinion, it really doesn't matter if this "counts" as CIO or not. What matters is that your baby is not acting like herself after this incident, and it clearly affected her deeply. Tell me, under normal circumstances does she have tantrums? If so, what is your usual method of dealing with them? Do you just hang out with her until it blows over or do you give her space to decide when she's done being upset herself?

[NEastMomma]

I could be reading into the original email, but it seemed to me MIL got frustrated/annoyed with DD's crying and went outside to smoke.  AFTER MIL calmed down, sounds like she finally decided to actually pick DD up and distract her on the couch w/ a doll.  If that is the case, I wouldn't like it, whether or not it is actually CIO or not.

To give an opposite example, I babysat my 2 1/2 yr old neice on Friday.  She's spirited, high needs and sensitive.  Though she can be leery of many pple, she loves me and is usually very affectionate towards me and DS as I try and respect her boundaries, etc.  Well, for some reason, she just did not want to be at my house.  As soon as her Dad left, she was hysterical.  I immediately cuddled her, tried to give words to her feelings, (you're upset b/c Daddy left - you want Daddy, etc), I tried every trick in teh book to distract her.  She would get distracted for a minute or two, but would just go right back to bawling and wailing.  Eventually it dawned on me that maybe, just maybe she wants to be left alone, so I said, "Do you need a minute to cry all by yourself?  Auntie will sit right here and wait - you let me know when you're ready for a hug."  I gave it a couple of minutes, but her crying just got worse.  I hated to do it, but I actually called my sister to let her know her DD was inconsolable.  My sister came right over to get her and her DD immediately calmed down when her Mama arrived and didn't want to leave, LOL.

This whole episode lasted 30 min (I called my sis after 20min). 

My neice obviously wasn't traumatized - she was her old self immediately and was fine the rest of the day (I saw her later in teh afternoon and speak to my sister daily, so I know she's fine).  I believe my neice, though super upset about being left at my house on this occasion, "got" the spirit of my wanting to help, respect and love her, and perhaps that helped her to an immediate recovery?  I wonder if OP's MIL shared that same spirit, would her DD be so traumatized?

Anyway, give your DD all the extra love and closeness she's craving.  I think if you "give in" to all her clinginess then she'll be back to her old self that much faster. 

[happysmileylady]

Originally Posted by North_Of_60 

Originally Posted by sosurreal09 

To me this is the equivalent of CIO.

I can understand feeling a little guilty that your first experience with a babysitter didn't go as well as planned, but I'm going to be the voice of decent and say that I do not believe your mother in law was letting your daughter "cry it out". I tend to define "CIO" as letting children cry to teach them something. Like sleep training. Or "ferberizing". With the goal of having a child that basically sleeps on command.

I'm sorry, I just don't think that inconsolable crying is the same as "crying it out". Children who are left to "cry it out" in what I mentioned above tend to suffer emotional distress and perhaps experience feelings of abandonment and hopelessness. When a fussy baby is in the presence of a loving caregiver who, despite their best effort, is unable to console them, they're just not experiencing the same thing as a baby who is left to cry for hours in a crib in the effort to teach them how to "self sooth".

By your account of the situation, your mother in law did in fact TRY to sooth your daughter, and subsequently followed your daughter's lead by being available to her when SHE was ready to be soothed. She did not forcibly put your daughter in a crib or lock her in a room against her wishes in an attempt to teach her a lesson. She did the best she could to sooth a baby who didn't want to be soothed. And in the end ended up succeeding. 

I think the lesson here is that the next time you want to take advantage of a babysitter, you have to first determine how important leaving the house is, and under what circumstances you're willing to forfeit your outting, and then set a plan in action for everyone to follow should things not go well at home. When I left to go grocery shopping in the early days I always made it clear that if she got REALLY fussy and inconsolable, that I would simply just return home, and the plan was to call me when she acted like it was time for a meltdown.

However, there were also times when I either got stuck being away longer than planned, or simply could not drop what I was doing to return home, and everyone was just going to have to deal with the situation as best they could. At 16 months old even *I* couldn't console her all the time. It's called toddler meltdowns. They happen. Sometimes I had to walk away until she was ready to be comforted. That's quite normal in this age range, and in my opinion, is WORLDS away from "crying it out". I think *real* crying-it-out is reprehensible and I would never even consider it for any of my children. However, that it is not at all what happened here.

As for her seemingly sudden change in behavior, I'd put money on her coming down with a cold or something. Maybe teething? I also think she's probably affected by you being so upset. I think you need to spend a fun and comforting afternoon putting this behind you and not let it bother you as much as it is. I know it can be upsetting to know we can't undo what is already done, and that we can't undo what we feel might not have been the best decision (like you leaving the house), but that guilt will eat away at you, and if it transforms into anger and resentment toward members of your daughter's family, it WILL impact her relationship with them. And that's not healthy or fair to her. She deserves to have a relationship with her grandma, and grandma has to find her footing as a babysitter. This was her FIRST time babysitting, and in my estimation, did a pretty good job. It's hard as parents to let go and let other caregivers put their own spin on things, but I promise you, it's a good experience for both your daughter and your MIL. And you.

I think you should cut your mother in law some slack. She didn't do anything wrong.

I agree with all of this...and the smoking a cig or two being the bigger issue. 

Your MIL said your DD "didn't want anyone or any help."  That to me indicates that she tried at least a few comfort measures when the child started crying.  Most folks, CIO or not, try at least a couple of things, be they hugs, offers to read a story, whatever.  That statement says to me that she tried a few things, but your child wasn't having it.  None of it was what she wanted.  So your MIL stepped away from the situation.  If she smoked a few cigs, then she did, but that only takes a few minutes, not the whole hour you were gone.  After "a long time" your MIL was then able to calm her down, what is a long time?  You were only gone an hour and I have seen toddlers throw a fit over not getting what they wanted for more than an hour.  Heck, my 5 month old has cried for 2+ hours, in DH's arms, while I

was at work (she doesn't always take the bottle.) 
 

As far as your child's current behavior, I am not so sure I would assume it's from the situation with your MIL.  I see from your sig that this one appears to be your first?  If not, forgive me, but it sounds like she's well on her way to the "terrible twos."  My 2 yr old used to be great in restaraunts, now it's about 50/50 as to whether or not we have to leave, she's tossed herself on the ground and screamed for no apparent reason.  As for the clinging, that could likely be just the fact that you left her with someone not you or your DH, espeically if that's never happened before or if it happened rarely.  Or it could just be the toddlerhood creeping in.  As your little one gets older, she will very likely display more and more tantrums and fits, and won't let anyone console her, or may need only you, or only your DH.  When my little one throws a fit, often the only one who can console her is DH.

[physmom]

I have to agree with North_of_60 and happysmileylady.  I would be REALLY bothered by the cigarette (especially since you were only gone an hour) but it doesn't sound like the same thing as CIO because it does sound like she at least attempted to console your daughter (just unsuccessfully).  DD has had A LOT of separation anxiety to the point where she was vomiting when she was younger.  However, I had to work so we had to figure out some sort of child care situation that worked for us.  When she first started with her babysitter (who I knw for sure is very caring and very attached to DD) at the age of 1, she would scream and be completely inconsolable.  She also was clingier afterwards and I know it wasn't the babysitter's fault (I actually was at home with them for about a month so I could hear the  babysitter doing her absolute best!!). 

Some kids just have separation anxiety worse than others so you have to decide for yourself the best way to deal with it.  How comfortable is your DD with MIL?  Does she see her often?  Does your DD act the same way when your DH is gone?  Also have you tried talking to your MIL about your concerns because it could very well be the way she expressed herself rather than her actually just leaving your DD alone to cry. 

[mom2happy]

She had seperation anxiety and that was not your MIL's fault. When you touch or crowd a child who does NOT want to be comforted by you, the child will only become more hysterical.

Your MIL did not "let" her cry. She was crying about you leaving.

IMHO there is a way to transition for leaving your child for the first time.

You could have had your MIL come over a few times and done things like; get the mail, go around the block, just go out of sight for a little while. This would have prepared your DD for the experience and let you know if she was ready for it or not.

It sounds like your MIL knew when the time was that she "could" distract and calm your DD. After all, she can't be that bad if you felt it was okay to leave DD with her in the first place.

I don't think you or your baby are ready for this yet. It takes time.

If you are never going to leave her with your MIL again, that's a big decision. I would give this more thought though.

Your DD is still a baby. When she is older there will be more time for a relationship to develop and things can get better.

I couldnt leave my DD with my MIL until she was 2 and VERY briefly. I hated it, because I didnt want to leave her with anyone.

When I thought about it though, I don't have any other options and I know she loves my kids. I can't stand certain things about her, but I'd much rather have her than a hired baby sitter.

Things can get better with a little work. Please don't waste your time resenting MIL, you might need her later. Saying this, because I wasted some time myself with this.

[sosurreal09]

I have left DD before with a trusted friend before a few times and she was fine. This was also recent. She told me she cried when I left so she held her and started singing and then she was fine the whole time.

We had been at MILs house all day the day before as well, so it's not like it was unfamiliar.

My DD is NOT the baby who needs space when she's upset.

I can understand what you guys are saying but IMO she's too young to be left alone during a  tantrum anyways.

Also you'd have to know MIL. She did it to "prove a point" and I know it which was also WHY she told me. I am assuming she thought she'd cry for 5 mins and calm down being un-attended to, but DD is not like that she needs to be held when upset. BIL was there too and he said DD was screaming her head off for 40 mins! Yet when I had SIL call she said "oh everything is fine"

All I get is how I'm parenting wrong and she needs to CIO for her own good ect ect. She's spoiled and I am ruining her. SIL is also big on CIO with her child.

I never trusted MIL with her b/c she so strongly believes in CIO. I trusted that since DD was older, and her cousin was there, and MIL specifically knows I will not bend on this, that she would attend to her if she was upset.

Also we had been there for over an hour before I left to the store. It's not like I just dropped her off, I set her up and nursed her and everything before I went.

The major concern is now how DD is acting. It CLEARLY affected her. She is still acting the same as yesterday. I am doing my best to be patient and wearing her ect. She slept on my chest like a newborn all night long. She seems to be very upset about the whole thing.

[hakeber]

Why was BIL just sitting there while the baby cried her head off for 40 minutes?

I wouldn't be too chuffed about leaving either of them with my kid if that is true.

I wouldn't write your baby's grandma out of her life forever, but make sure she isn't alone with her for a while, until DD can communicate her feelings with words.

I think you need to just give her lots and lots of cuddles and closeness for a while until she feels safe and secure again.  bringing back the carrier is an excellent plan. 

I made myself a mai-tei when Benjamin was about 14 months and going through a needing to be held at all times phase despite having walked at 10 months.  It made getting on with life much easier.  After the anxiety passed he ocassionally asked to be carried in it up to about 2 and a half years old.  I think it just made him feel safe and the way I made the carrier it was no problem on my back or hips at all.

Good luck!  This sort of thing can be so hard.

[mom2happy]

Originally Posted by sosurreal09 

I have left DD before with a trusted friend before a few times and she was fine. This was also recent. She told me she cried when I left so she held her and started singing and then she was fine the whole time.

We had been at MILs house all day the day before as well, so it's not like it was unfamiliar.

My DD is NOT the baby who needs space when she's upset.

I can understand what you guys are saying but IMO she's too young to be left alone during a  tantrum anyways.

Also you'd have to know MIL. She did it to "prove a point" and I know it which was also WHY she told me. I am assuming she thought she'd cry for 5 mins and calm down being un-attended to, but DD is not like that she needs to be held when upset. BIL was there too and he said DD was screaming her head off for 40 mins! Yet when I had SIL call she said "oh everything is fine"

All I get is how I'm parenting wrong and she needs to CIO for her own good ect ect. She's spoiled and I am ruining her. SIL is also big on CIO with her child.

I never trusted MIL with her b/c she so strongly believes in CIO. I trusted that since DD was older, and her cousin was there, and MIL specifically knows I will not bend on this, that she would attend to her if she was upset.

Also we had been there for over an hour before I left to the store. It's not like I just dropped her off, I set her up and nursed her and everything before I went.

The major concern is now how DD is acting. It CLEARLY affected her. She is still acting the same as yesterday. I am doing my best to be patient and wearing her ect. She slept on my chest like a newborn all night long. She seems to be very upset about the whole thing.

Ok, so now after you said all that- it doesnt sound like your MIL is an option for babysitting.

Even though my MIL might not "think" I do things the right way, she stays quiet and acts respectful of my ways.

She might be annoyed by certain things, but she never oversteps or does anything behind my back.

I wouldnt leave a child with a MIL like yours till about 5 years old (now that I see the whole story).

You probably should have followed your instincts and known something like this could happen.

Sorry your MIL took it upon herself to teach a little lesson. That is NOT cool.

[sosurreal09]

b/c MIL told him too! "babies cry she needs to build up her lungs anyways" which is what he told me.

I am not writing MIL out, I just won't leave her with DD. It sucks b/c I don't have family and the only person who CAN watch her in my BFF who lives quite a drive away.

I wear her all the time anyways, just not so much in the house. We have a mei tie and a wrap (I put her on my back Tibetan style) and a maya sling.

I guess I was stupid for trusting her, IDK I just thought I could give her a chance b/c maybe she would respect me and DD. Obvs its her way or no way.

Also yes I hate that she smokes but what choice do I have? You can never see grandma b/c she smokes? DH's whole stinking family smokes including my DH. I quit when I found out I was pregnant. No one smokes in my house period. MIL actually does respect that we will not go to her house unless it has been smoke free before and while we are there.

[beebalmmama]

It sounds like you are trusting your mama gut on this one and I would stick with that. My ds was very similar at that age and I would have been very upset if that is how a caregiver handled the situation. I'm not saying she should have held her if your dd didn't want to be held. But leaving the house in my opinion did not make your MIL accessible to a 16 month old. A 2-3 yr old maybe but not a 16 month old. Whether you want to call it CIO or not doesn't really matter. The point is that your dd needed to be reassured that she was safe and cared for and your MIL didn't do that.

If my child was crying for that long without being consoled (if MIL had been trying) I would still want to be called after 15-20 minutes, so I could decide whether I wanted to come back and end the outing, kwim. I would never think that the above scenario would be okay with a paid sitter. I know a MIL is not paid but I would expect more love and concern from a grandparent and therefore would  be just as upset.

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by sosurreal09 

b/c MIL told him too! "babies cry she needs to build up her lungs anyways" which is what he told me.

I am not writing MIL out, I just won't leave her with DD. It sucks b/c I don't have family and the only person who CAN watch her in my BFF who lives quite a drive away.

I wear her all the time anyways, just not so much in the house. We have a mei tie and a wrap (I put her on my back Tibetan style) and a maya sling.

I guess I was stupid for trusting her, IDK I just thought I could give her a chance b/c maybe she would respect me and DD. Obvs its her way or no way.

Also yes I hate that she smokes but what choice do I have? You can never see grandma b/c she smokes? DH's whole stinking family smokes including my DH. I quit when I found out I was pregnant. No one smokes in my house period. MIL actually does respect that we will not go to her house unless it has been smoke free before and while we are there.

Soooo, your brother in law acted like a coward?  What a childish thing to do.  He should have been a man and called you at the very least if not pushed her aside and taken control of the situation.  May god be on his side when his mother is disrespecting his parenting wishes and not allow his friends and family to merely stand by and watch her do so. 

I blame him as much as her.  When I leave my child in the presence of two adults, I hold them both responsible for the outcomes.  Obviously you only felt comfortable with leaving your DD with your MIL because he was there and he let you down as well.  I'm not impressed.

Yeah, I wouldn't be letting them have unsupervised time with my kids for a long long time, not until my kids were old enough to quick dial me on a cellphone.

In this case, I genuinely would rather have a hired sitter than use family. At least employees know they are entitled to their own opinions only in THEORY not in practice.

I live really far from family, too, so I know how it feels to be left all alone without free childcare, but ya know, sometimes the free help just ain't worth the ultimate price you pay, ya know?

  That really bites. 

[physmom]

Oh wow, thanks for clarifying! In that case I would definitely NOT let your DD around your MIL, it´s really sad how she intentionally disrespected your wishes like that.  Like PPs said, you might be able to go out less but either go with your BFF or hire somebody because clearly MIL can´t be trusted.  40 mins of just leaving her there breaks my heart.

FWIW, my stepmom likes CIO/routines too but she still respects my wishes and would NEVER do that with DD.  I think if you want MIL in your DDs life you need to have a heart to heart with her and explain why that is not ok (or have your DH do it). 

[NEastMomma]

Grrrr...

If I had a dime for every time someone (read: the inlaws) told me "You have to let him cry sometimes!"  I'd be rich.  Now, when pple comment on how happy, sweet, loving, outgoing DS (18mos is), I like to say that I did the opposite of what everyone suggested I do. 

I am so, so sorry this happened.  Your MIL had NO RIGHT to use your daughter to teach a lesson.  What an ignoramus. 

Sounds like you are doing a great job of following your DD's lead.  Keep on cuddling!