MIL let DD CIO! what do I do now?! - Page 2

[crunchy_mommy]

Wait is this the same MIL who fed cheese to your allergic DD???

I don't know, it just doesn't sound like she's respecting your choices... that would worry me immensely, and no, I don't think I'd leave my kid with her again...

Also I wonder if your DD's reaction has anything to do with being sick (or with eating cheese)??? Obviously I have no clue on the timing so that might not be it at all. But as much as I'd hate for someone to leave my DS crying like that, at the same time I don't think ONE incident with someone who's not a regular babysitter would affect her that much once she's back 'safe' with you, you know? I suppose it's possible but I'd look to other causes first.

It breaks my heart when I hear something like this, because I know you, as the mom, know what your DD needs and clearly her needs were not met while she was with MIL.

[mamazee]

I agree taht this sounds more like separation anxiety than CIO.  If she had separation anxiety, she was just going to cry, and based on what your MIL said it sounds like she tried to help but your dd wanted to cry. Which kids sometimes do.  And maybe she had a tantrum, which toddlers also sometimes do.  I would be more worried about her leaving to have a cigarette.
 

Originally Posted by mom2happy 

She had seperation anxiety and that was not your MIL's fault. When you touch or crowd a child who does NOT want to be comforted by you, the child will only become more hysterical.

Your MIL did not "let" her cry. She was crying about you leaving.

IMHO there is a way to transition for leaving your child for the first time.

You could have had your MIL come over a few times and done things like; get the mail, go around the block, just go out of sight for a little while. This would have prepared your DD for the experience and let you know if she was ready for it or not.

It sounds like your MIL knew when the time was that she "could" distract and calm your DD. After all, she can't be that bad if you felt it was okay to leave DD with her in the first place.

I don't think you or your baby are ready for this yet. It takes time.

If you are never going to leave her with your MIL again, that's a big decision. I would give this more thought though.

Your DD is still a baby. When she is older there will be more time for a relationship to develop and things can get better.

I couldnt leave my DD with my MIL until she was 2 and VERY briefly. I hated it, because I didnt want to leave her with anyone.

When I thought about it though, I don't have any other options and I know she loves my kids. I can't stand certain things about her, but I'd much rather have her than a hired baby sitter.

Things can get better with a little work. Please don't waste your time resenting MIL, you might need her later. Saying this, because I wasted some time myself with this.

[mamazee]

I've read your other post now and I agree that there are issues with your MIL that need to be resolved before she watches your dd again, but it still doesn't sound like CIO to me.  Regardless, if it was a tantrum brought on by separation anxiety, which is my impression, I still think she should have stayed nearby instead of leaving to have a cigarette.  That would be my big beef.

[whozeyermamma]

Originally Posted by mamazee 

...Regardless, if it was a tantrum brought on by separation anxiety, which is my impression, I still think she should have stayed nearby instead of leaving to have a cigarette.  That would be my big beef.

I don't care what anyone calls it - WTH does she need to smoke so bad that it can't wait until your LO calms down? I've watched my friends' kids before when they were upset b/c of separation anxiety - and I tried calming, singing, playing, distracting, ask if they need time alone, ask if they want me to hold them while they're sad, but I'm sure as hell not going to just leave.

The other day, my sitter, who knows I'm AP and is totally AP herself - had my DS (age 7 mo -so younger than yours) and he woke early from a nap and wouldn't settle down. She held him while he cried off and on for almost 2 hours. All her shushing and calming and rocking and soothing and holding and singing didn't make him his normal happy self again - but it was still responsive to his need.

Good for you for giving your LO the closeness she needs now. Don't be hard on yourself. And I wouldn't leave her with your MIL either. I'm so sorry you and she had to go thru this

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by sosurreal09 

I completely AP my DD (16 m/o). My cig shows alot about how we live ect.

So MIL watched her for 1hr if that while SIL and I went to the store. First time MIL has ever watched her assured me she wouldn't just let her cry or anything ect ect.

Well apparently DD freaked out when I left and "didn't want anyone or any help" so she left her alone (aka left her and smoked some cigs outside) She said after DD had been crying a long time she finally picked her up and calmed her on the couch with some music doll thing.

To me this is the equivalent of CIO. Obvs I will never leave her with DD again ever.

DD is very spirited and high needs, but also very self assured and confident. All day after I came back and all day today she has been hysterical and if I even move away from her she is instantly screaming and clinging for dear life. She is usually really confident and independent esp at home. I tried to take her out for dinner with me and DH and she was hysterical the whole time we were their and ended up getting the food to go and leaving b/c it was that bad.

So what do I do now to help her? She has NEVER acted like this before ever. She's just not even acting like herself. I am so upset.

 I seriously doubt your DD has changed and started crying and fussing simply because of that "1 hour" with your MIL. lol. I have 3 kids and they all have gone through phases, well my youngest is just fussy a lot and she too is 16 months old. Getting some teeth in and that makes her very clingy and fussy but then sometimes for a few days she can go for a while and not fuss at all and be the perfect little toddler. They all go through stages and phases. I would definitely think that 1 little hour didn't ruin your DD for more than the rest of that day, IF that long. ;-)

[sosurreal09]

She has been teething for a couple weeks but never acted like that before EVER. IMHO I absolutely believe it did affect her. She is very intelligent and understands very complexly for her age. I think she knew exactly what was going on and she was fearful of it happening again.

She has been doing much better today, a lot more like herself. It was beautiful out so we were out a lot today which involved hours of baby wearing so I think that really helped.

Yes crunchy same MIL!!!! The dairy was a some days ago though and she seemed to have recovered from it after the initial 24hrs.

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

I'm so sorry your MIL did this to you.  What got me was that no one contacted you.  If, indeed, as people have suggested - your MIL was simply giving your child her space, why then didn't anyone believe it was necessary to tell you what was happening? I know if it had been me, that's what would have made me angry.  I have had to put DD in her crib for a 5 minute mommy time out, but NEVER for her to just cry it out. I can understand the need to do that - but if that's what happened, then your MIL needed to tell you.  And shame on your BIL for not stepping up to the plate.  You need to find a PAID care provider you can trust for short excursions, because your MIL has proven she has no respect whatsoever for your parenting decisions. This doesn't mean she cannot be a good grandmother, it just means she cannot be in charge of your child for many years. 

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

One more thing - my theory (although admittedly I have no research to back it up) is that because we respond to DD's needs immediately, she will be more negatively affected by a CIO approach than

a child who is used to being "trained."  She does not have the tools to deal with that yet  - nor should she.  Some people believe that is "spoiling," I believe it is responsible parenting.  I have no doubt

that your child was affected by this experience, and it sounds like you are doing the exact right thing to help her get over it. 

[sosurreal09]

The thing is too I would have gladly taken DD with me. She insisted she watch her.

I never have a babysitter, I always just have DD so there is no reason to hire one. I am a SAHM.

When my friend watches her DD has a blast with her DD, which is why I thought she would be ok with MIL as well b/c her cousin was there to play with. My friend watches her maybe once every few months so DH and I can go out to dinner for like 1hr or if I go run and grab us coffees or something.

I did not expect to be gone an hour as well SIL was taking forever.

She is pretty good today. Last night was pretty rough but I think she was OT and her teeth are bugging her. I think she has recovered though, it was scary the way she was acting. It's not like she was just clingly, I am used to that, she seemed really different. Like she changed so much, I think she was afraid mostly.

[HappyMonkey]

I just wanted to say that I left my 12-13 month old twice alone home with my husband to go have a massage. Both times she got upset and cried for a while, but was held and loved and played with. Even then she was extra clingy and needy with me a few days both times (she is more used to coming to me when she is upset to nurse). So I do agree even a short period can have an effect for at least a few days that is very noticeable.

[Ldavis24]

Originally Posted by 1stTimeMama4-4-10 

One more thing - my theory (although admittedly I have no research to back it up) is that because we respond to DD's needs immediately, she will be more negatively affected by a CIO approach than

a child who is used to being "trained."  She does not have the tools to deal with that yet  - nor should she.  Some people believe that is "spoiling," I believe it is responsible parenting.  I have no doubt

that your child was affected by this experience, and it sounds like you are doing the exact right thing to help her get over it. 

agreed

[sosurreal09]

Ldavis I love you pic! OT I know, but still so cute!

It definately did affect her she's fine now. She doesn't get like that if I leave her with DH. TG

I can totally understand she cried, I know if MIL handled it appropriately for my DD she would have been ok after a few mins. I am also super pissed that when SIL called her she said everything was fine. Why wouldn't she say oh she's really upset you guys should hurry back or something? Like I said I think it was her intention to prove something, like her she cried for 40 mins and lived...yeah of course she lived but she wasn't ok. People can be so stuck in their ways and feel the need to justify what they did and have advised to do that they will go to an extreme to try and prove it. It makes me sick.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by sosurreal09 

She has been teething for a couple weeks but never acted like that before EVER. IMHO I absolutely believe it did affect her. She is very intelligent and understands very complexly for her age. I think she knew exactly what was going on and she was fearful of it happening again.

She has been doing much better today, a lot more like herself. It was beautiful out so we were out a lot today which involved hours of baby wearing so I think that really helped.

Yes crunchy same MIL!!!! The dairy was a some days ago though and she seemed to have recovered from it after the initial 24hrs.

Honestly, I don't think her reaction was from CIO, I think it was from separation anxiety.  Whether your MIL had stayed and tried fruitlessly to calm her down, or left to smoke, your dd's reaction probably would have been the same.  It may have gone differently if you were at your house instead of your MIL's - my ds used to freak out when I left him in a strange place (even after being there for over a week) and responded the same way (super clingy) even though my parents don't believe in CIO and they were the ones watching him.

[Tattooed Hand]

Originally Posted by sosurreal09 

She has been teething for a couple weeks but never acted like that before EVER. IMHO I absolutely believe it did affect her. She is very intelligent and understands very complexly for her age. I think she knew exactly what was going on and she was fearful of it happening again.

She has been doing much better today, a lot more like herself. It was beautiful out so we were out a lot today which involved hours of baby wearing so I think that really helped.

Yes crunchy same MIL!!!! The dairy was a some days ago though and she seemed to have recovered from it after the initial 24hrs.

My DD is very sensitive and has reacted like this to traumatic situations, though unfortunately the person who didn't respect my parenting instructions was my own mother. My mother of course thinks I am crazy, but after an hour with her the first time she also cried when every I put her down. But it passes with a little extra love.

I don't leave my Dd with my mom. She thinks I am making up DD's food sensitivities and does all kinds of stupid stuff to prove a point. She also thinks I "coddle" DD and I just don't trust her to take care of my DD.

I would be upset that your DD was left alone by someone going outside to have a smoke. It can take 5 minutes to smoke a cig and I think a 16 mos old is too young to be left alone for that long, especially when upset.