What's the best timing?

[Shawnamarie]

Hi all,

I am new here and new to even thinking about getting pregnant. 

At 33yo I'm really just starting to think about this seriously.  My husband and I have been married for 9 years, and he's established in his career.  I'm just getting started in mine.  In fact, I'm still in my first year of grad school for a career change.  I graduate in June, 2012.

I know women have been managing families and careers for some time now, but how do you do it?  I'm going to school to be a teacher and I'm wondering how I should time this.  Do I try to get pregnant this coming year so that I have the baby right after I graduate?  It seems like I'd have to take a year off of looking for a job if I did that.  Do I work in my field for a year first to try to get some kind of foundation going?  How do I start both of these new and seemingly conflicting (to me) paths?

If I was still in my 20s I'd probably just work for a couple of years after graduating before getting pregnant.  That not the case, though.

I'd love to hear what you all think.  I don't have any friends dealing with these questions right now.

Thank you so much for listening!

Shawna

[t2009]

Ugh... MDC swallowed my response! Anyway... 

I can really related & could have written your post a few years ago!

I had just finished my 1st year of grad school (a career shift for me), was in my early 30s, & had been with DH for years & years. But we just hadn't gotten around to starting a family. Well we had thought about it briefly, but had decided that if I didn't at least start grad school first, I'd likely never go.

Ultimately, we decided that there'd never be a "perfect" time. So we decided to just see what would happen & voila... we now have our awesome little DS.

My approach was very non-chalant. That worked for me because I knew that if I over-planned it'd be stressful for me. But that's just me. For others, it's really important to have a plan -- I think a lot of teachers tend to plan to have their babies at key times (though when it comes to getting pregnant, planning doesn't always go as planned). So I guess you have to figure out for yourself how much planning you need or don't need to make yourself comfortable.

Personally, having a child has turned everything upside down (in a good way!) & that would have happened no matter when we had a child. But we've just adjusted priorities to make it work. Ultimately, I think having a child during grad school can be a great thing -- You have a lot of flexibility now that you won't necessarily have when you're starting your career (I have friends who just graduated going through that now), but you also have less income & less flexibility, so it's a balance.

Think of it this way, too... If you plan to have more than one, you'll be faced with the same dilemma when it comes to the second... So I stand by my "there's no perfect time" approach. If it's something you both really want, you'll make it work!

[One_Girl]

Teaching is a hard thing to get into right now so I suggest starting your family when you can afford it and not worrying about the job yet.  This may vary from place to place, but I live in the west and have applied for over 50 teaching jobs in little towns and big towns and have had no offers.  Some of the districts in our area even cap subbing because they have so many people trying to get in that way.  If you aren't going to want to move from your town your chances are going to be even smaller.  If you are doing special education endorsement then you are going to probably have a job and you will probably going to want to have the first year of teaching be a time when you don't have the stress of caring for an infant and taking a lot of time off when you child is sick.  Babies get sick about 10 times a year on average and the first few years are the highest turn over time.  If you aren't then there are no guarantees and you should keep your focus on what is most important to you.  If your university has a career center then I suggest that you talk to them about the realities of your area or any area if that is something that will help you decide for sure.

[Shawnamarie]

Thanks, ladies.

One_Girl, I'm actually getting my degree in early childhood special education with a focus on working with children with autism.  So yeah, I'm not too concerned about finding a job when it comes down to it.  I hadn't thought about how often babies get sick, but I definitely hear that.  4-year-olds seem to get sick constantly and I imagine it can be even harder for babies.  I've been sick so much this year with all of the kid germs!

t2009, thanks for your insight.  I wonder if I'd want to stay at home for a while after I have the baby and even take a year off of work/school.  I'm starting to think that maybe I should get comfortable with teaching for a year or so and then see what happens.  I agree that stress can work against you in times like this and that planning does not necessarily dictate reality. 

I might like to just hunker down for the remainder of my studies, do a year of teaching, and then see how easily I get pregnant after that.  I can wait two years, right?  It's not like my husband is dying of impatience to start a family right now.

[BeautyforAshes]

I wouldn't rush it.  There's no way I could have handled my graduate program with an infant to take care of.  We had decided to wait until we were both done with grad school to get pregnant, which we did, so we had our first when I was 36.  (It took my DH MUCH too long to finish grad school, but that's another story!) I'd recommend getting some job experience first.  Those "couple" years are precious, too, and you can't get that back. JMHO

[happysmileylady]

There is no such thing as the perfect time.  You could wait till you graduate, you could wait until after you find a good job, you could wait until you have established yourself in that job, you could wait forever.  And, your spouse could suddenly lose his job, you could end up dealing with unexplained IF, you could end up having to c completely up and move across the country for no reason, one or both of you could get really sick, anything can happen.

IMHO (from getting pg while on protection and then dealing with 6 yrs of secondary IF)  control of pregnancy is an illusion.  The best laid plans have a way of falling apart.  If you want to have kids, then have kids.  Trying to plan when to have them around the rest of your life is only going to cause everyone more stress. 

[Super~Single~Mama]

I'm going to agree and say there is no "perfect" time.  My ds was born smack in the middle of law school.  Umm...not good!  But, its worked out (well, I take the bar next week, so we'll see how I feel after that!).  Having a baby while in school certainly isn't the best, but its not the worst either..

[Shawnamarie]

I really appreciate all of your responses.

I'm such a planner and love organizing and scheduling whenever possible.  I know things don't always go as planned when it comes to fertility and starting a family, but your insights helped me see that more clearly. 

I'm not going to rush it right now.  But, I'm also not going to wait until I feel "settled" in my career since by then I'll probably be waiting for some other future landmark that seems like a more appropriate time to have a child.  Thanks for the reminder!