I never post in this subforum, but I had to "talk about this" and I don't know anyone who would understand.
I lost it today in church. Fought back the ugly cry. Couldn't speak. Couldn't sing. Just tried to keep from letting anyone see that I was cracking. Maybe it was the hormones of being on my first period in nearly a year. Maybe it was the baby girl in the pew in front of us, dressed all in white for her baptism. Maybe it was the praise music I was attempting to sing. Maybe it was just the most honest and desperate prayer my soul has ever prayed without the permission of my body. All I know is, in an instant it was as if I was mourning the loss of the child that never existed, missing the brother or sister that my son never had.
I was overwhelmed and simultaneously afraid someone would notice the tears threatening to stream down my face. And somehow, in light of all that, I even hid my tears from my husband. He wouldn't understand. As if it's bad enough that my body won't cooperate with his "let go and let God" attitude, my husband won't commit to actively trying to conceive, and certainly not trying a round of Clomid as suggest by my OBGYN. I can't seem to convince him to take the next step to try, and it obviously isn't just going to "happen on its own" like he is hoping. I'm stuck in limbo, while our son gets older every day, without a sibling. I feel hopeless.