13 month hitting herself - HELP

[crabmomma]

My dd is about 13 months old and for at least 2 months she has been hurting herself.  I understand that it is normal for her to hit me or something else, when she is frustrated, but it has gotten out of control.  She doesn't try to hit me very often anymore, but she does hurt herself.  We are consistently trying to redirect her and to understand why she is frustrated.  It could be any number of things... when she is tired or hungry, or just wants some attention.  Once in a while nursing and cuddling works, but for the most part we cannot stop her.  She hits herself on the head, she bites her fingers, but what really scares me is that she repeatedly hits her face/head against the floor, the walls, and the furniture.  She has learned consequences of her actions in other ways and will not stop doing this.  Does that mean that she is TRYING to hurt herself?  The kiddo has self-inflicted bumps and bruises all over her head.

Has this happened to your child?  Is it more than just a phase?

Please understand that she is a happy girl most of the time but seems to have this horrible way of expressing frustration.  I have tried placing my hands between her head and the hard surface in order to prevent injuries, but if anything, she just hits harder.  If I hold her she might stop, or she might slam her head into mine.  She is already picking up a mixture of words/sign language and does communicate most of her needs. I genuinely feel like we are doing everything we can to understand her mood at any given time.  

She has not seen anyone else hitting.  Dh and I DO NOT hit her or each other.  She is gentle with other children, and our two pets.

Sorry for rambling, but I am starting to feel like there is something wrong with her and I don't know what else to try.  I am afraid that she really will injure herself.  We recently "fired" our pediatrician and haven't found anyone I am comfortable going to yet. (no vax and still nursing)

Just being able to send this out there helps a little.  

[Terrilein]

My dd used to hit her head using her fist. She still does occasionally when doing her homework. It worried me a lot, too, but it was no where as severe as with your dd. Maybe try distracting her as much as you can when she starts hitting herself. And I'd really put finding a new ped in high gear. Maybe she has an undetected ear infection or sinus problems going on, something that's bugging her really badly. I hope you get it figured out soon, mama!

[miriam_bat_avraham]

I work in child care and have a Master's in 0-3, so I hope I can help! We have a child in my classroom who does this-- she hits herself on the head and pulls her hair and screams. The best thing you can do is the following: Don't let her recognize that you're having a reaction to what she's doing-- don't try to convince her to stop or make a "thing" of it. I know that's really, really hard. For her own safety, just lift her off the ground (if she's hitting her head on something specific like the floor or wall) and put her somewhere soft, like on some blankets or a mattress if you have one right on the ground. Then... just ignore the behavior.

It sounds harsh to ignore it, and probably scary, but have you ever seen those children who hold their breath when they're angry? The first time, it happens incidentally because it's how they process stress. But then their poor panicked parents are terrified and start shouting and trying to revive them, and they figure out that on some level, whatever they were upset about (especially if it was "don't do that") goes away. Kids are usually pretty smart about these things, and it's not to be manipulative but because they're trying to get a need met-- and for toddlers, it's "I want something, and if you won't give it to me I'm going to see if I can take it for myself." An appropriate, adaptive behavior, certainly :)

Over time, if hitting herself in the head doesn't seem to be important to you, she may abandon it. In the meantime, of course, you're concerned about her safety, so if you need to set up a little "calming down" area with soft things, that could help. You can layer it with language, like "Hmm, you're feeling upset/angry/frustrated-- let's go calm down," and put her there. I know a child who had a "special spot" and after a while (as he got older) he was able to say "I'm angry! I need to go to my special spot," which was so awesome for him :)

Woosh, sorry this was so long. I hope it was helpful for you!

[Knitting Mama]

I also have a degree in early childhood development and have worked with many young children. Some hit themselves, some bang their heads onto surfaces, some pull their own hair. In all the cases I have been exposed to, it is a sign of frustration, and ignoring the behavior but acknowledging the frustration seems to work the best. I used something like, "I'm so sorry you're frustrated, honey. Let's do xyz." It does go away, over time. Hang in there, mama!

[sere234]

Eeek! My area of expertise is older kids but what Cecilia's Mom and Miriam are saying sounds smart. Acknowledge your DD's feelings, set her somewhere soft, and leave or stand quietly and calmly within sight. My babe seems to get more upset if he's fussy but won't sleep and at my wit's end I leave to let him calm down in his swing. However, if I sit in the room, he'll happily swing, calm down, and get tired enough for me to pick him up and help him go to sleep. Of course that's nothing like your situation but it might help your DD to have you silently nearby.

Also, hopefully it's just a phase! There are so many! But Terrilein was smart to suggest you get a ped soon and bring it up with her/him. 

[crabmomma]

Thank you for all of the suggestions!  They really make a lot of sense to me.  Maybe I'm not as present as I think I am.  We have tried to put dd in the center of the room where she can't do as much damage, but she still uses the floor to great effect!  I will try to set up a soft/safe place for her to work through her feelings.  Trying to find a doctor that I trust is a painful thing for me.  I have had some nasty experiences and can't seem to get any solid recommendations.  

Also, I've got to say that the folks here on mothering are the most helpful and knowledgeable source of support that I have found since I became a mom! 

[Llyra]

My DD2 did this, a lot. From what I was able to find out, it's very common. She used to bang her head on the floor/walls/objects/me. She also used to use her little fist to whack herself in the head. It was particularly bad in the 12 to 18 month phase-- after she started being able to talk, she did it a lot less. My best recommendation? Ignore it. I don't mean to be harsh, and I'm not suggesting you ignore HER, but just to ignore the behavior. Chances are that this age she's not doing it in a manipulative way-- but you don't want her to get the idea that she can get a big reaction of sympathy, or lots of soothing or attention, from doing this. Even redirecting in a matter-of-fact way may be too much attention to pay to a behavior like this.

I would probably set up a safe place-- like a pack and play or a bumpered crib or something similar. When she bangs, I'd set her in there, and tell her gently that you're sorry she's frustrated, but you can't allow her to hurt herself, so she'll have to go in here. Then sit down nearby and be available, without getting overly involved.

My favorite tactic with headbanging was when DD2 was about 2 1/2, and had a brief resurgence of doing it-- I masking-taped off a rectangle of wall in the kitchen, and told her that she could bang her head all she liked, but only in that rectangle. That was her special headbanging spot, and she would have to do all her headbanging there. The next time she started banging, I carried her to that spot, and gently told her she would have to bang there. She looked at me like I'd gone crazy, banging a few times while watching me carefully for a reaction, and when she realized I was really not going to try and stop her, she shrugged and moved on to something else. We did this a few times, and it was gone.

But at a year old, I wouldn't try something like that. Babies are just too young at this age to be doing something for a reaction.