Advice...friend stopped TTC and has given up on having kids, forever...

[RosieL]

I have a really dear friend whom I talk to almost every day. She's 42, has severe migraines and neck issues, and after years of TTC she decided they would never become parents (considered and decided against adoption). To become pregnant she would have to go off migraine and other medications, which put her in excruciating pain. Although the decision is old (they have "known" for a few years that thy wouldn't have children), it is really painful, and I expect it always will be. 

I'm not telling anyone we're TTC, but I think everyone who knows us assumes. Once I become pregnant, I want to tell her, but I am just pretty scared that I'll cause her more pain. 

I'm not sure what advice you could give, but I'm open to thoughts and ideas. I'm terrified of losing her just by the nature of DH and I TTC. 

[Ramzubo]

ShannonO:

My sis has a similar health issue and has given up on trying to have a second child. She does get emotional about it, especially when those around her are pregnant, but it come and goes. Some days she's feels fine talking about pregnancy and babies and others days she kind of keeps to herself. After being around her a few times you could figure out quickly in the conversation how she was doing emotionally that day. Most days I would say she was perfectly fine sharing in the joy of of her friends and family. Since those close to her know the situation I think it helped. People would talk about their pregnancy and share their experience but were sensitive to her feelings (i.e. not complaining about being pregnant). I think a good friend and one that you talk to a lot would react similarly. They would be happy for you but some days it would be hard. As long as you both are sensitive each others feelings the friendship should be fine.

[LessTraveledBy]

I would strongly encourage you to e-mail her when you are pregnant. It is hard to be put on the spot to react to someone's news. With e-mail, she can get back to you when she feels able (and can congratulate even is she is really crying, etc.)

[RosieL]

Originally Posted by LessTraveledBy 

I would strongly encourage you to e-mail her when you are pregnant. It is hard to be put on the spot to react to someone's news. With e-mail, she can get back to you when she feels able (and can congratulate even is she is really crying, etc.)

Wow, that's good advice. I thought she would be put off by me e-mailing, but it makes a lot of sense. Even if it's a little impersonal, it'll give her the time to react how she needs to. I know it'll be touch-and-go and a lot of figuring this out as we go, but I'm hoping that I can get to the point where I can as her to be my baby's god-momma. I guess that's getting ahead of myself though!

[happysmileylady]

Originally Posted by LessTraveledBy 

I would strongly encourage you to e-mail her when you are pregnant. It is hard to be put on the spot to react to someone's news. With e-mail, she can get back to you when she feels able (and can congratulate even is she is really crying, etc.)

This is something that you have to judge according to the mamma.  I dealt with 6 yrs of IF and friends and family around me getting pg.  And yes, it was hard to hear.  But I did NOT want announcements by email.  I wanted either a phone call or in person.  By email, I felt like folks were either afraid of me, or didn't care enough to give it a personal touch.  I feel like email is just so impersonal.

 

[RosieL]

Maybe I could compromise. Tell her via email "I have some news to share." I'm pretty sure she'll assume it's pregnancy. Then I'll tell her for real in person. When I come to visit, usually I know well in advance whether it's a good or a bad day. 

If I'm TTC for many months, I know the urge to talk to her about it will be strong. I wonder if I should never enter that subject.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by ShannonO 

Wow, that's good advice. I thought she would be put off by me e-mailing, but it makes a lot of sense. Even if it's a little impersonal, it'll give her the time to react how she needs to. I know it'll be touch-and-go and a lot of figuring this out as we go, but I'm hoping that I can get to the point where I can as her to be my baby's god-momma. I guess that's getting ahead of myself though!

Forum crashing.

I bet the bolded would be SO special to her!  Whether you tell her in person, or by email, I'm sure she would be very touched to hold such a special place in your baby's life.  My god-mother is so important to me, and has always been an important person in my life (even though we live very far away from her).