Hurt and angry!

[applecider]

I know it's just par for the course of being a parent, but *sigh*. So I made DS1 special heart-shaped pancakes this am and made him a card too. I set the table and the put the card at his plate with a pancake and sprinkles (a treat). Then I went upstairs to get him from bed and told him I had a surprise for him. He got a big smile! When we came downstairs and I showed him, he said, "I don't like hearts," and "I don't like Valentine's." I told him that was rude and hurt my feelings. I'll admit I was rather upset after that and just finished making the pancakes in regular round shapes and told him that I was hurt that he didn't appreciate what I did. He also told me that I should have made pancakes in a face and then he put the card I made in the garbage!! This makes me want to cry.

He is generally a little boy who doesn't like being kissed or told that I love him. But he does like to snuggle. He has some sensory issues and he does take some time to warm up (in the am, with new people, etc) but still, I am hurt. I know I shouldn't take it personally but I was so excited to do this for him and I wasn't expecting to get crushed Make me feel better!!

[seashells]

I'm sorry. I would have been totally crushed too.

[4evermom]

He is probably at that age where he is categorizing things into "for girls" and "for boys" and hearts fall in with flowers, butterflies, and pink as being "for girls."

Also, my ds didn't really like surprises when he was younger.  They just set him up for disappointment because they implied that they were something he would really like.  And being fed breakfast is something that happens everyday, even if it's a different shape.  Possibly if you hadn't mentioned that there was a surprise, he might have been more pleased.  My ds does not get that into Valentine's Day.  He doesn't mind getting candy or a small toy but the whole making and exchanging cards doesn't do anything for him.  He doesn't really see the point.

[Alyantavid]

Oh ouch!  I'm sorry.

I think you totally did the right thing explaining your feelings to him.  He's entitled to his feelings but your also entitled to yours.  Hopefully he learned that you can both think what you wish but still be polite about it.

[Lisa1970]

I would discipline for that.

We had trouble when I was growing up, where my brother would always get pouting and upset when he was given a gift or anything that he did not like. My parents would just sit there and just take it. It was such a problem though, as it happened at birthday parties and hurt other people's feelings, it happened when grandparents were visiting, etc. 

SO, with my own children, knowing that this could happen, and since it is my job as a parent to teach them proper manners, I have even gone so far as to role play before a gift receiving event on how to act grateful and be kind, even when the gift is not perfect or redundant. 

For your son, I guess the word discipline is not the right word. But I would go get him explain to him, in detail in his level language what he did wrong, why it is wrong, and how he needs to behave. If he tries to argue that that is how he feels so he can act on it, you explain to him that we cannot go around acting on all our feelings. Maybe make up a story of how someone felt a certain way and how they could not act on it. Just sort of a character story. They have lots of stories already written, but it is easier when the situation is at hand to just make one up. Then, explain to him how he should have acted. Then have him get the valentine out of the trash and role play. Spend a fair amount of time on it (don't rush) until he clearly gets it. Then kiss and hug and tell him how proud you are of him.

And there! You have a great teaching moment!

[Lisa1970]

BTW, he is entitled to his feelings but is not entitled to act on him. What if he feels like hitting..is it ok to act on that? And words hurt as much as hitting..so he needs to learn to be respectful of others feelings. 

[limabean]

 I'm sorry. I would be hurt too. 

He's allowed to not like hearts, but it's a good opportunity to talk about being gracious when presented with gifts. I would have another talk with him about that -- not in a guilt-tripping way, but just to teach him so that he can have a more appropriate reaction when someone else gives him a gift he isn't thrilled with. He doesn't have to pretend to love it, but he can at least say a neutral "thank you" instead of making disparaging comments. Even, "Thank you, but can I have some round pancakes?" would have been okay. 

It's like when I cook dinner, we have a house rule that you don't have to eat it, but you're not allowed to say "gross" or make faces about it -- just say "no thank you" and eat the other things on your plate. 

[hopefulfaith]

This sort of thing has happened to me - i.e., I told the kids I had a great surprise for them :) as I picked them up from school and took them out to lunch -- to me, this is a BIG deal because we're on a budget .... and when we got to the restaurant (where I was even going to let them order chocolate milk instead of water this time...), ds was really rude and said "THIS isn't a surprise!  It's only going out to eat!" --- and I was devastated, both at his reaction to My Fun Surprise and at his rudeness to me.

Later that day, I talked with him about it and told him it hurt my feelings, etc., etc., and we role-play now and then about what we're going to do if surprises are expected (Christmas was a big time for this, for us)....he can express gratitude with a smile at the time and tell _me_ later if he feels like he would rather have the red item vs. the purple item, etc.

Also, I don't set my kids up for surprises as much lately - this morning, I didn't tell them there would be a surprise on the table for them (which there was:  M&Ms and a PlayDoh toy), and they both got excited when they saw it and busted out the hugs and the THANKS, MOM! - but I think if I would have prepped them for it, they would have been disappointed it wasn't the toy truck/dollhouse of their dreams, kwim?  Labeling something a surprise sometimes leads them (and okay, me) to expect a trip to Disney World or something.

((((hug))))  I think this is a normal part of parenting -- and I know it hurts my feelings --- and I'm hoping we can all just get our kids through it with an appropriate sense of gratitude for others' surprises/gifts/time and effort.  :)

[applecider]

True, I probably should have not mentioned the surprise part...I just couldn't contain myself! But next time, I will. I think I was just in a hurry so I was trying to get him out of bed so we wouldn't be late for school. I think maybe later we will role play how to act when someone does something for you/gives a gift. Good idea. He did mention (before he threw the card in the trash) that he wanted to make me a card.

[Kuba'sMama]

When i read your post, i automatically thought of my son. He is older, but has some sensory issues too and doesn't do well with expressions of love. I can totally see him doing exactly the same thing at 5 (not that it's ok!) But now he is a bit different, although I wouldn't expect much more than an eyeroll and a sarcastic "gee, thanks MOM" (said with an indulgent smile though). I'm sorry though that you had to deal with that this morning, I've been there! I think it's totally appropriate to explain why he hurt your feelings.

[Tigerchild]

I really like hopefulfaith's response to this.

I totally get the knee jerk emotional response to having something you worked on rejected (oh boy, have I been there), and I think that most children must be taught how to be diplomatic and gracious, so this is a time for an object lesson as well.

However, I also think that it's probably a good thing, no matter your age/relationship to someone, that if you choose to do something special for someone you should do it with an open hand, not expecting "the right" response.  Especially if you know they don't always handle surprises well, and you're not clear about what it is.  This is my own baggage, but having had to deal with a parent who often did "surprises" and "nice things" that never respected things that i liked but who would go literally crazy with over the top anger/grief/rage if i did not produce the exact (fake) response she wanted--I guess I am oversensitive to things like that.  In her case it was all about manipulating the real world so that she could maintain her often erratic fantasies about it.

Though you are a normal, healthy mommy (vs. my mentally ill one), so your heart was not in the wrong place here...i would just gently say that maybe next time you could say "happy valentines day, i made you some valentines pancakes with sprinkles!" instead of "I have a surprise for you" (which could be anything).  While you are working with your son on how to be gracious (and most 5 year olds are not particularly, even if they don't have sensory issues), maybe do something fun but not anything that's going to ruin your day if it doesn't go over well.  I have found as I've practiced doing special things that I enjoy but giving them with open hands, i'm more able to absorb unexpected reactions without taking it personally, even though OF COURSE I am disappointed if something I thought was going to be cool goes over like a lead balloon.

Unless you have been working with him about this, and thus have guidelines in place i would NOT punish him just because he did not meet your (perhaps unrealistic) expectations in in his emotional reaction.  If you guys have already been working on rudeness, I'd reinforce it with your typical discipline.  If you've not been working on rudeness, then perhaps this would be a good point to launch those discussions and start working on it.

[meemee]

ugh i am not big on valentines. i hate that holiday with gusto. for this exact reason. its like buying a dress as a bday present even for a 8 year old and expecting them to gush. dresses are boring - unless its one they've wanted.

dunno i would do nothing. dd has done similar things to me. and that has helped me reaslise how much i am putting emotions on receiving than just giving the present. i wanted to give and i have learnt how to disassociate my feelings with the giving. with anyone. because plenty of people have been disappointed with my present that i was excited about. yeah even if they are polite you know they dont really care about it so even if they put up false niceties you can still get crushed.

i would not make a big deal out of this for your son. this is all age appropriate behavour. their own consciousness really starts at around 7/8. that's when they themselves realise about hurt feelings.

i have never disciplined or made it a big deal when dd disappointed me. i have always felt seh can do anything she wants to with me. i have watched out to make sure she reacts appropriately with others. which she always has had. however at 6 for the first time she was disappointed in herself. she felt seh did not show her appreciation well enough but rather glazed it off. this was 2 years ago and dd still regrets not showing her excitement. so it DOES come - but at age appropriate time.

all the things i spent time on dd getting it around 7 i noticed seh was getting it without me saying anything, rather explaining. so i was thankful i never ever made a big deal about my feelings. however i will say i make a big deal NOW. because i notice she carries the hurt and regret for a long time.

[4evermom]

Well, maybe he will be in more of a Valentine's Day groove after being in school with whatever festivities they are having.

[LynnS6]

I'd also add: I really like the book The Five Love Languages of Children. It helped me understand my ds a lot. He too has sensory issues, and hates to be cuddled. (His idea of cuddling is to lie 18 inches away from me on the bed!) BUT his "love languages" are acts of service and time. He feels loved when I help him. He likes hanging out near me. I can tell when I haven't spent enough time with him when he starts to shadow me around the house (and he's 9).

It was pretty devastating, however, when he told me at age 3 to stop rubbing his back!

[ssh]

Toddlers are still learning how to be civil people. They're still just figuring out how to be appropriate socially and they have no impulse control at all. So don't take it personally if they say something rude, just calmly say "that could hurt my feelings" and model the polite behavior you want to see. By the time your DS is 4 he will understand how to react socially much better. If you've been reacting emotionally to every little rudeness on his part he'll also think reacting very emotionally to every disappointment is appropriate too. If you've been reacting calmly and just instructing him verbally on what the 'nice' behavior is, he will think calm verbal reactions are the appropriate behavior. At 4 he'll still react emotionally sometimes but he'll think your calm reaction is the correct one.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by ssh 

Toddlers are still learning how to be civil people. They're still just figuring out how to be appropriate socially and they have no impulse control at all. So don't take it personally if they say something rude, just calmly say "that could hurt my feelings" and model the polite behavior you want to see. By the time your DS is 4 he will understand how to react socially much better. If you've been reacting emotionally to every little rudeness on his part he'll also think reacting very emotionally to every disappointment is appropriate too. If you've been reacting calmly and just instructing him verbally on what the 'nice' behavior is, he will think calm verbal reactions are the appropriate behavior. At 4 he'll still react emotionally sometimes but he'll think your calm reaction is the correct one.

She said she made the pancakes/card for her older DS, who according to her signature is 5. 

[applecider]

Yes, my DS will be 6 in June. Of course I don't get offended by my 2yo's behavior!

[not_telling]

Your story totally brings to mind a Valentine's Day from when I was a kid...maybe 8 or 9 years old.  My parents always gave my sister (3 years younger than me) and I little Valentines gifts and cards each year...often the gift involved a little candy treat.  Well, one year they gave us these adorable stuffed magpie birds.  And my sister had a complete tantrum because she wanted an edible treat, not a stuffed animal.  I remember feeling so horrified and so bad for parents...it's something that still sticks with me -- even though my sister is now a totally grateful and graceful gift-receiver.  I echo the sentiment that it's a good opportunity to talk about being a gracious gift receiver.

[ssh]

Originally Posted by applecider 

Yes, my DS will be 6 in June. Of course I don't get offended by my 2yo's behavior!

Ack!! I should read only when I have a headache, sorry. I still try not to take my 5 year olds rudeness personally, but she's usually appreciative. We still do calm verbal reactions because we're modeling behavior we want her to have.
 

[cappuccinosmom]

I'm another who would discipline/teach at that moment.  Not out of offense but out of a desire for him to grow up knowing how to be gracious and kind. 

That is not an acceptable way to treat anybody's gift to him, and how he responds to his family is where he learns to respond to others.  He needs to learn that grace and compassion for others trump "self expression" in many cases.  He can feel however he wants to feel.  How he behaves though, needs to change.