Toilet training twins - one ready, one not but the one who's not insists he is!

[4Marmalade]

So frustrated right now.  My twins are 32 months old.  Dd has been consistently peeing on the toilet for the last 2 weeks.  She even woke me up to pee in the middle of the night last night.  She did poop once on the toilet at the beginning but hasn't since.  Ds insists on wearing underwear right alongside dd.  He is not ready.  He might sit on the toilet which is great but he has never peed or pooped.  He doesn't really realize what has happened until afterwards.  So, basically I am cleaning up his pee/poop all day along with dd's poops (which is OK because I think she is very close).  Unless he decides to clean it up himself which has happened more than once .  He will not put on a diaper and throws a big fit if I try.  Am I destined to be cleaning up after him until he gets it?.  Should I just be forcing the diaper on him and telling him he's not ready yet but will be soon?

I originally posted in the toddler forum but then thought this forum might be better.

[sept2008twingirls]

We're in a similar situation here.  My girls are 29 months and DD1 gets it.  DD2 doesn't and isn't ready.  She also wants to wear the underwear.  Yesterday she wore Dora underwear, because she wanted to wear the underwear like her sister.  She of course peed on Dora.  So after she did that, I told her now you have to wear diapers, since you peed on Dora.  She seemed to get it and didn't fuss too much.  I haven't had to deal with the poop part yet.  Maybe you can put the underwear on at first and then later put the diaper on, after he's distracted?       

[mylilmonkeys]

Have you tried putting underwear over his diaper?  Might be a compromise that could work.  We do this for night times, sometimes when 2yo dd still wants to wear undies, but she's not dry at night yet.

[sapphire_chan]

I think the hard part is that he's not actually going on the potty when he sits. If he were, you probably wouldn't have as many messes because you could just have him sit whenever your dd did.

I think sept2008twingirls's suggestion is going to be your best bet.

In addition to that, since he's interested, if he wakes up dry (bed, nap(s)), have him sit on the potty first thing. He'll be likely to need to go then and making it a routine might encourage him to be able to relax and go.

[Red Pajama]

My advice:

Have your husband show the boy how to stand to pee. With a small stool, if necessary, to reach. THis was a major motivator for my boys.

I'd go ahead and let him in the undies, as long as he wasn't pooping in them. We had a rule: no poop in undies. (much like you'd say "no pee in the pool.") If there is poop in undies, it's diaper the rest of the day.  I gave M&Ms for each pee in the potty when they were learning, and later switched that to pooping in the potty.

the reason I suggested to let him in undies, rather than waiting until his body is ready, is because this won't be the last thing he wants to do in order to stay even with his twin. You don't want to be the force that holds him back. So let him try, help, and don't make a big deal of accidents.

[Shuli]

I had the same thing. My DD2 is just an old soul and trained himself in a day with no accidents since. They were 27 months or so. He got underware and his brother was in underware - no desire to poop anywhere but a diaper. So I would put a diaper on him and put underware over the diaper, and that seemed to help a little. We used one chocolate chip per toileting success. One day he decided he wanted just underware, so I put it on him and an hour later he had pooped and peed and said "mommy, underware is just too hard". So back to the diapers we went. (I think we were using pull-ups at that point because he did try and pee when he realized). A couple of days later he wanted underware again and it worked for the most part. He still has accidents now and then, just mostly when he's playing or gets distracted on the way to the toilet and doesn't make it on time. Both of them pee sitting down because I can't deal with the clean-up after they go standing up. They are two people who happen to be born at the same time, things are fair, but not always equal, so if one excells at something and the other one doesn't, we taught them to cheer each other on rather than feeling like they are being left behind.

[4Marmalade]

Thanks for the replies so far.  I know my older two toilet trained so easily.  They pretty much just woke up one day, started using the toilet and not one week later they weren't even wearing diapers at night.  I'm sure there were some hiccups and time has dulled my memory but I don't remember having to clean up so much.  I think that if ds was just able to pee once in the toilet it would click.  I did buy some pull-ups thinking dd would be able to use them like underwear and stay dry and ds wouldn't feel left behind.  We'll see how that goes.  He does get excited for his sister when she goes.  It's very cute  .

[cdahlgrd]

We are all about naked bottoms at our house.  It is easiest in the summer!  And they get to pee on the grass in the back yard (great boy fun!) They figure it out pretty quick when they can see what is going on!  Once they figure out when to pee in the toilet, then we slowly try adding clothes.  My boys didn't wear underwear for a long time, because they would feel something tight, and would pee.  So they went commando for a long time.  They still wear pull ups at night.

Good luck.  It seems like some kids just get it, and others, it takes much longer. 

[tink79]

My girls were the same way. DD#1 was using the potty at 2 and it seemed to take very little coersion (althought that could have been the undivided attention).  My twins were a little different, not ready 'til around 3.   One learned very easily, very quickly and the other just wasn't ready (although she wanted to reap the rewards and attention that sis was getting so she did act like she wanted to do it at times - but she would just sit there, couldn't make herself "go" on the potty) so I didn't push her.  Eventually (maybe 4 months later) she became completely ready (by herself, very much like her mama, can't be pushed into anything) and learned just as quickly as her sis. I think that because they are the same age people just expect them to do everything "together", they may even think this of themselves.  But in the end, they are very different people and things aren't always going to happen at exactly the same time.  Give it time, it's not an easy transition for some kiddos and it needs to happen when they are completely ready.

[4Marmalade]

Originally Posted by tink79 

My girls were the same way. DD#1 was using the potty at 2 and it seemed to take very little coersion (althought that could have been the undivided attention).  My twins were a little different, not ready 'til around 3.   One learned very easily, very quickly and the other just wasn't ready (although she wanted to reap the rewards and attention that sis was getting so she did act like she wanted to do it at times - but she would just sit there, couldn't make herself "go" on the potty) so I didn't push her.  Eventually (maybe 4 months later) she became completely ready (by herself, very much like her mama, can't be pushed into anything) and learned just as quickly as her sis. I think that because they are the same age people just expect them to do everything "together", they may even think this of themselves.  But in the end, they are very different people and things aren't always going to happen at exactly the same time.  Give it time, it's not an easy transition for some kiddos and it needs to happen when they are completely ready.

Thanks.  I am definitely not pushing him.  I would be perfectly happy for him to continue in diapers until he is ready.  I just need to convince him to do that  .  He agreed to a pull up for today.  Unfortunately, they do not hold nearly as much as a diaper.   

[sept2008twingirls]

DD1 who is potty learning went pee-pee in McDonalds today. We were sitting in the van in the parking lot and since older brother wanted to go, she said she wanted to go in too.  I thought she just wanted to go in McDonalds.  I didn't think she actually needed to "go."  Brother came back and she was still having a tantrum that she wanted to go in McDonalds, so I finally took her.  Well, she went.  But then DD2 wanted to go too.  Even though I knew she wouldn't go.  She is still wearing diapers and everything.  She said she needed to go pee-pee.  I asked her if she wanted to go pee-pee in the potty or her diaper.  She said diaper.  Honest girl.  We didn't take her in.  Just wanted to share a story....

I like this quote:  "They are two people who happen to be born at the same time, things are fair, but not always equal, so if one excells at something and the other one doesn't, we taught them to cheer each other on rather than feeling like they are being left behind." from Shuli.  Very true.

Sarah Joy

[Shuli]

Thanks for the shout-out. My husband is a twin and my sister and I are very close in age, so I am very sensitive to sibling rivalry and keeping things on an even keel. D is an old soul and really thinks that he is 6 (he's only 3) and R is a new soul and just can't quite keep up. They pull and push each other very nicely which is why the toilet training for me was so hard. I was desperate to get them out of diapers so when R just took his sweet time I had to remember that he was his own person and to encourage him in his own way. In all the jobs that I've had parenting is the most challenging and creative job I have ever had.

[Spring Lily]

We were facing something similar recently. DD wanted to use the potty, so DS decided he had to, too. She was great right from the beginning, and he had trouble. I just let them both be naked and we had frequent potty times where I brought both in the bathroom, sat them down, and we all hung out and sang a short song. It was time intensive, but worth it.

I don't know what happened, but after a while DS just got it. They both started wearing just underwear around the house, and I reminded them all the time to go potty. I kept one potty chair in the bathroom and the other I moved from room to room so it was always within sight of where they were playing, as a visual reminder.

The funny thing is that DS, who wasn't "ready" at first, is now basically trained (only a couple of accidents a week) and DD is the one who I have to stay on top of reminding about going potty. So I think you just can't know until you give him a real chance. If he's truly interested, I bet he'll figure it out. If he's in a pull up, it might be more confusing because he can't feel himself getting wet.

[SunshineH]

I've had 2 kids train at 2.5, and 2 at age 3.  This thread is a good reminder that not everything happens at the same time - now DD shows a bit of interest, but DS absolutely none.  They truly are such different little people.

[sept2008twingirls]

Funny thing...I thought DD1 was more ready.  She started and was going a lot in the potty, but then DD2 who I thought wasn't ready first has actually potty trained herself-day and night.  Another example of twins always keep you guessing!

Sarah Joy