just need to vent about dealing with STBX

[simplemama32]

STBX is getting harder and harder to deal with...and I had such high hopes we could remain amicable.  :-(

I called him today to discuss a couple things that have come up lately with DS, and he can't even hear what I'm trying to talk to him about because he's too busy being defensive and indignant and trying to turn everything I say back on me.  Then he went on another rant (totally out of the blue) about how our current visitation arrangement (not official since we're still in the middle of the divorce) is only convenient for me (!), I never consider him at all (!!), don't I know he has rights (!!!), and basically I'm a horrible, mean, selfish person.  Then he started in on the proposed custody/visitation agreement my lawyer and I drafted.  In a nutshell, it's completely unfair and I'm just trying to screw him over. 

At least I'm getting better at keeping a cool head when talking to him and recognizing when he's trying to intimidate me.  This morning's "discussion" just really got to me.  I think part of it is that I really, really tried hard to draft a fair agreement that was considerate of everyone and good for DS.  It's pretty standard stuff, actually, with a few tweaks like gradually increasing visitation to full EOW as DS gets older.

And I'm completely mystified as to why STBX thinks our current arrangement is only convenient for me.  He is off for 3 days of the week, and DS is with him for 2 of those days, plus an overnight every other week.  We share the travel equally.  He does occasionally want to change up the schedule at the last minute, and if I refuse (because we already have plans or whatever), he threatens me with how he has the right to come get DS whenever he wants to, since we're still technically married.

Anyway, I just needed to whine for a minute!  I'm SO tired of dealing with this divorce and am ready for things to be finalized and over.  I know I'll still have to interact with STBX for years, but at least we'll have an agreement in writing to fall back on.

[doubledutch]

i'm sorry!  that does not sound like fun.  may i suggest communicating in writing, to avoid that in the future?  email, or if he absolutely refuses to do email, just send a note (either by mail, or send along with ds - like some mamas send a notebook back and forth).  

[BabyBearsMummy]

My ex's perception is that our current visitation schedule is only convenient for me. Nothing could be farther from the case. DD and I routinely turn down invitations and miss events she really wants to attend because it is daddy time. I know from past experience that trying to arrange parenting time changes is a fruitless venture but I still try some of the time. Nothing about being a single parent is convenient.  I simply am trying to make the best of a difficult situation for my daughter. SimpleMama32 I am sure the same is true in your situation.

I highly recommend all communication in situations like this be in written form. It has helped to drastically reduce the stress of the never ending drama my ex attempts to create in my situation. PLUS everything is in a court presentable form should it become necessary. My ex has attempts to provide false statements to the court but I have a full written record for the past three years to dispute his claims.

Edited by BabyBearsMummy - 2/14/11 at 4:00pm

[kryztuh]

I agree that communicating in email after he has an outburst is best. And follow up every phone conversation with a summary of your conversation in email. I have refused to communicate over the phone several times in the last year because of STBX's outbursts.

Also, several people recommended to me to keep detailed documentation on visitation and outbursts.  I have almost a years worth of very good documentation now.  STBX has filed for joint custody and alimony(!). But I have documentation that shows he consistently gives up more than a quarter of his visitation hours every month as it is, and it's no where near joint custody. 

I write on a calendar each month and then go back and enter into a spreadsheet. Columns: Date, Visitation schedule (ex. 9am-5pm), Number of Hours Scheduled (ex. 8), Actual Hours Visited (ex. 1pm-5pm), Actual Number of Hours(ex. 4), Difference(ex. -4), and Notes (ex. STBX was 4 hours late. He said he didn't feel like getting up at 9am).

Patterns become painfully obvious.  Good luck to you.  Mine started out semi-amicably and is pretty adversarial at this point.  I hope you don't have to go down this road.

[simplemama32]

Thanks everyone.  I've definitely been documenting conversations like this one.  STBX refuses to have an email account, so I try to limit in-person or phone contact as much as possible.  There are just times when there's no way around the fact that I *have* to talk to him about something related to DS and attempt a discussion, and it's those times that stress me out.  Our conversation the other day was (partly) me trying to see if I could drop-off DS around 30 minutes earlier on one of his regular visitation days (and I was calling a week in advance...it's not like it was last minute), and this request seemed to spark the rant.  I didn't see it coming at all or I would have tried to avoid the situation!

doubledutch -- I'm going to try to communicate as much as possible by notes or certified mail, but if STBX received what he perceived as a "hostile" letter, he would immediately pick up the phone and call me.  Of course, that's what caller ID and voice mail are for, right?  ;-)

[doubledutch]

can you text instead of calling?  if you don't like to text but he does, you can send and receive texts via email.

[BabyBearsMummy]

Simplemama32 based on what you have told us your situation warrants stopping all non-written communication.

You could use written certified letters or suggest again that he get an email account to communicate necessary information about your son. Another less ideal option is you could start a written communication log book that could be placed in your DS's bag for each of you to communicate necessary matters. If I have learned one thing from this board it is document document document. You never know when you are going to need it. IMHO this will bring more harmony to your life and provide a paper trail should it ever become necessary.

You are not obligated to discuss parenting matters in person or over the phone. Calmly refer your ex to email you or mail you his concerns in the future. Your son will not benefit from experiencing the conflict. My DD is blissfully unaware there it ever any conflict between her father and I (unless he is burdening her with this information). I have taken great care to protect her from the realities of my relationship with Ex. I believe she should be able to form her own relationship and she can make her own conclusions about her father without my input.

[simplemama32]

Originally Posted by BabyBearsMummy 

Simplemama32 based on what you have told us your situation warrants stopping all non-written communication.

You could use written certified letters or suggest again that he get an email account to communicate necessary information about your son. Another less ideal option is you could start a written communication log book that could be placed in your DS's bag for each of you to communicate necessary matters. If I have learned one thing from this board it is document document document. You never know when you are going to need it. IMHO this will bring more harmony to your life and provide a paper trail should it ever become necessary.

You are not obligated to discuss parenting matters in person or over the phone. Calmly refer your ex to email you or mail you his concerns in the future. Your son will not benefit from experiencing the conflict. My DD is blissfully unaware there it ever any conflict between her father and I (unless he is burdening her with this information). I have taken great care to protect her from the realities of my relationship with Ex. I believe she should be able to form her own relationship and she can make her own conclusions about her father without my input.

Thanks.  As I said before, I am documenting.  Also, my son is blissfully unaware of any conflict as well, and I plan for him to remain so.  I don't believe I stated otherwise.

[meemee]

simplemama - it does get better over time.

the first few years are really the worst ones as one is not sure of what the intentions are.

and resorting to the written word is definitely easier.

i know about myself i wasnt v. fair with ex either. i was upset and super sensitive and sometimes unfair. but that is the nature of the beast at that time. 

so while i was angry with ex - i could see it wasnt either or the others fault. we were just both too super sensitive. 

its been 7 1/2 years. we have nothing in writing - legally. its because we have both been able to work it out. 

and it has definitely improved now - even though ex and i dont really talk.

now i trust him that he has dd's best interest in mind (took time to prove that) and i guess he sees the same with me.

so plod along and figure out what works for both of you. 

it will get easier over time. 

[orangecanoe]

I can very much understand the unique stress of trying to deal with this when the agreement isn't yet final. I wish you had the avenue of email and/or text communication. It is hard to shake off these kind of convos as part of the process, but what you wrote sounds very familiar. That tells me it's not you (or me), but just the way it goes sometimes. The only thing that I've found that helps is greatly reducing any attempt on my part to ask for help or 'be nice' because it just creates an opportunity for ex to engage in his oh so familiar way of "communicating."