Going to an 'adults only' wedding!?!?

[GreenMomPhD]

My cousin is getting married in FL in early May.  He's probably the last in our family to get married for a while, so I'm looking forward to attending and having a good time with family.  I was even going to go down for a week with my kids (who will be almost 3 yrs and 10 months then) and rent a house with my parents so we could enjoy the beach, ect.  (DH will fly down for the weekend.)

However, his bride is a bit high maintence and she is making the wedding (and maybe the reception, I'm not clear on that yet)  'adults only'.  I've certainly never heard of such a thing.  It is at a private house on a lake.  I had no intention of bringing my 3 year old to a wedding, however I've taken the now 3 year old to a wedding when she was about 10 months old and had her on my lap and she was fine the whole time!  Part of me wants to say- 'if my child is not welcome, I won't be there.'  However, I really want to go and spend time with my parents and other family members!  I don't mind getting a sitter, and maybe seeing if they could watch the girls in the home while the wedding takes place outside. But if the reception is no kids also (can you imagine??), getting a sitter for somewhere else might not work for me- I don't know if I want to be away from my 10 mo old for a whole evening!  She's still EBF now, and she'll be eating some food by then, but I stil feel unsure about it. 

I just don't get the whole 'adults only' thing.  On the bright side, it might be fun to enjoy a kid free evening with my DH, but being in a town we don't live in and having to get a sitter that we don't know personally is uncomfortable to me.  Does anyone have any advice for how to handle this?

[OurLittleNest]

I am attending an adults-only, out-of-town wedding this summer as well -- with my children who will then be 2 1/2 and six months. At first I was a little put off about "adults only." And my initial reaction was the same as yours -- guess we can't go. But after the news settled, I feel much better about the whole thing. I totally get adults-only ceremonies. I wouldn't want babies crying and toddler tantrums either. And couples who don't have children view those types of distractions a little differently. Every bride should have the wedding she's always dreamed of. And if that means some rearranging on my end, I can do that.

Anyway, for the wedding we are getting a hotel room that is in walking distance of both the ceremony and reception. The kids will stay with my DH at the hotel and I will go back and forth between the wedding/reception and the hotel to nurse and help with bedtime, etc. Actually I think it will work out great, especially if the hotel has a pool. (My 2-year-old will love that!)

Where would you be staying -- regardless if you had children or not? Is this house on the lake by the hotel or is it like a bed and breakfast-type place where you could get a room there? If you didn't want to switch childcare with your DH, maybe there are other family members who are in the same position as you are. You could take shifts.

[Knitting Mama]

I would be up for it if it was for the ceremony only, but for me personally, both the ceremony and reception would be too long for my EBF 10 month old (who hates bottles and doesn't reliably use a sippy). And as she is a total mama's girl, I think seeing me long enough to get a sip and then me heading off again would be enough to make her insane. Or hysterical at the least.

[Red Pajama]

I wouldn't go. I think it's inconsiderate of the couple to request "no children".  For me, I wouldn't leave my kids with someone I didn't know, and when someone travels a distance to be at a wedding, I can't imagine where else the kids would be expected to be, except with their parents.

[woodchick]

Plenty of people have Adult Only weddings. It is a valid choice. Please don't take it personally, I'm sure they don't have anything against your children.

That being said, if you weren't intending on bringing your 3 year old were you planning on getting a sitter?  Or was your DH going to stay with her?  Couldn't your baby stay with Dad?

Honestly, this whole issue (no kids at weddings) boils down to priorities to me. How important is it for you to be at the wedding?  If it is really important then you will find a solution (Dad or sitter, you could pop back in on your way to the reception, you might not stay the whole time...).  If it isn't that important then you just stay home with your kids (even though it is disappointing).

[SeattleRain]

I agree with Our Little Nest. It's her wedding and she has a right to request that no children be present. Let's be honest, children can be loud and disruptive, which is totally within their right. It's totally within her right to request that children not be present so that there's no crying or screaming distractions during her wedding. If you don't want to leave your kids, you could have your spouse watch them with a bottle or you might have to opt not to go.

[SilverFish]

yeah, it's not high maintenance.

i had a "no kids" thing at my own wedding. from my perspective now, it actually would have been nice to have them there, since there were literally only 4 small children and it was a daytime wedding and mostly outdoors, but the kids were my husband's cousin's kids, so i just didn't know them that well and never really thought about it too hard. i had a really small venue and had to try to keep the guest list to a minimum... adding 4 kids that i wasn't super close to would have meant excluding some friends that i really wanted there. plus, i'd seen terribly behaving kids at weddings before, and thought if i said yes to them, i'd have to say yes to a couple of other people with slightly older kids that i'd never even met. 

if your cousin is having a fancy wedding and reception, the venue is small, or the hours are late, he and his fiance might think that saying no kids is the simplest and best decision. chances are, they just aren't aware of how much work parents would have to put into attending a wedding sans kids, but either way, it's entirely their choice of what kind of event they want to have.

[lrgs]

I loved having children at my wedding........but that's me, I can completely understand why someone would want to have an adult-only wedding......it's their day and they are free to do as they wish. Lots of people have chlildren-free weddings, not my choice, but everyone is free to make theirs. It kind of puts you in a touch position..........I know my baby would be fine, she takes a bottle and would be okay with a babysitter. I'm not sure how your LO would do with that. If you are comforable leaving them with a babysitter for the night (and it's feasible to do) then that might be a good option. If not then maybe you could just do the ceremony? ] I'd probably line up someone to watch the kiddos (if possible.......might be kind of hard to set up if you don't know anyone there who can do it) but I know not everyone would be comfortable with that. Good luck!

[2xy]

Originally Posted by SilverFish 
 i had a really small venue and had to try to keep the guest list to a minimum... adding 4 kids that i wasn't super close to would have meant excluding some friends that i really wanted there.

That is part of the reason why we didn't have children at our wedding four years ago. We had teens, but no kids under 12. Small venue, no kid-friendly food on the menu, lots of glass-topped tables with sharp edges. Babes in arms were welcome, but we didn't want toddlers and school-aged kids running around, getting hurt and breaking stuff. Not everybody gets married outdoors, and not everybody has the budget to include everyone they know. Of course, we did get married locally and nobody had a problem nor an issue with getting a sitter. Everyone on our guest list showed up.

I don't think anybody I know would describe me or my husband as "high-maintenance." lol

[P.J.]

I don't really get why someone wouldn't understand a no-kids wedding...??? Lots of kids are loud and "disruptive", and lots of parents, unfortunately, wouldn't have the sense to take them outside if they were fussing. I totally get it, for the ceremony. I don't find it unusual or rude in the least. It is their wedding and if they don't want to have to hear babies fussing or have toddlers running around, that is reasonable and their right~ it's their day.

I do think it's a bit much for the reception, but hey~ some people just don't like kids, and they are allowed to feel that way.

I would maybe just arrive right before and leave right after the ceremony...if possible stay very close by, if it's at a hotel stay there at least for that day/night....and then after spending a couple hours with the babe, go to the reception late and only stay a couple hours. Yes, a lot less fun that way....but maybe you and you partner could also do shifts so the baby isn't with a sitter for more than like 1-2 hours at a stretch. Good Luck!

[GoBecGo]

I would skip it.  Honestly my DD is 8 months and has never been sat by anyone else.  She is almost EBF still, won't drink from a bottle, struggles with a sippy and is generally still in the stage of needing to be with her mama.  A weddings is never going to be more important to me, i'm just not interested.

I understand why people want a kid free wedding i guess.  But i suppose i always thought a wedding was supposed to be about about family, the wider family.  I think MY relationship is just about me and DP, i have not and do not intend to stand up in front of relatives and friends and promise or declare anything.  If i did, excluding certain people along the lines of age would seem pointless.  That's just me though.  I fully admit i have missed the point of weddings, to me it looks like a big showy "look at me" festival which says very little about anything else.

[sere234]

Originally Posted by OurLittleNest 

I wouldn't want babies crying and toddler tantrums either. And couples who don't have children view those types of distractions a little differently. Every bride should have the wedding she's always dreamed of. And if that means some rearranging on my end, I can do that.

This makes total sense!! However, it's hard when you are a guest who has LOs! When DS was 2 mo, a good friend of ours was married and we didn't attend because no kids were allowed. It was kind of a bummer but since the event was over 2 hours away and DS was EBF, it was a no brainer. I even asked my friend JIC but he very politely declined the presence of my babe:) We missed out on seeing all our high school friends for the first time in years....

ANYWAY- I think you should get a nearby hotel room, and take turns watching the kids with your hubby or mom or relatives. DS is 5 mo now and I'd like to not leave him with a babysitter (besides family) until he can talk. Doubt I'd leave him with one I don't even know in a strange city!

[VisionaryMom]

We opted to have kids at our wedding after a lot of consideration, but we provided things to entertain them. If we hadn't, we would have paid for a babysitter for the children of people we'd invited. I think Adults Only weddings are fine, but it is a bit inconsiderate to ask people to travel from out of town & work out babysitting arrangements from a distance. Maybe you should ask them if they know of anyone who babysits or have any thoughts on how to handle it since you don't live there to have your own sitter already vetted.

[Laurski]

Do you know if the bride & groom are planning to have a sitter available to guests?  I remember when I was in high school, the daughter of my mother's friend was getting married, and they hired me to watch the kids at the reception site (in a separate room).  It worked out pretty well, since parents were able to come & check on their kids regularly (although I don't think there were any infants there...mostly toddlers & older).

Perhaps you could ask your cousin if there will be any childcare accommodations at the ceremony or reception, and if he says no, then perhaps ask him if he could give you some recommendations for sitters? 

[lrgs]

One more thing, they don't make exceptions for babes in arms? Like another poster said, I understand the no-kid thing, but sometimes people make exceptions for babies? It's not like they are eating or taking up much room.

[mra]

I'll be doing the same thing in May and I'm in the wedding so there is no skipping it for me! It is for my cousin and has been in the planning stage since before I knew I was pregnant. She also has a no children policy (although I heard this through my mom, yet nobody has said anything to me yet which kind of pisses me off since we have to fly to NJ from AZ), so we have decided that hubby just won't go to the wedding and he will stay with Julia. I'll go home to nurse immediately after the wedding and if all is well I'll return to the reception. If hubby is having a tough time, I'll just skip the reception. 

I completely understand the no children policy, but at the same time it will bother me if she won't make an exception for us because we are spending a lot of money to get to NJ (flight, dogsitter, my wedding dress and shoes, time off work for my husband) and Julia will only be 4 months old. At this point, I'm really wishing I hadn't said I'd be in the wedding!

[SeattleRain]

The baby will be 10 months old, not really a babe in arms anymore. Most 10 month olds are crawling and some walking, I'd say they're pretty squirmy to do their own thing.

[Oliviasmom22]

I agree with the posters that understand the "no child" thing.  Personally, my husband and I had an "Adults Only" wedding for a lot of reasons.  One was that many of the children were small, but not babies, and we feared interruption.  (My husband's family is notoriously lax on parenting.) But also because of cost too, our reception venue would not give us a break on meal prices for kids.  We explored other options (i.e. the baby sitter at the reception site) thing, but we didn't have enough money to do that since we were paying for most of this ourselves.  We did make some exceptions for one of my bridesmaids and a groomsman that were coming quite a distance to get there, but both parties made other arrangements so that they could have a night out.  

So, in other words, for those that really wanted to come and had kids, they made it work.  However, there were members of his family that took extreme offense to it, and unfortunately will not speak to us to this day.  I imagine they feel I got what I deserved in the end because of my daughter's death.  I guess what I'm trying to say is how much do you really want this to affect your relationship with the Bride and Groom?  Chances are pretty good that there was a lot of thought and other issues that played into the decision, much more than the Bride being "high maintenance."  Think about it, no one gets up in the morning and says..."I wonder who I can tick off today...."

[new2this]

I wouldn't take offense to the no kids allowed and wouldn't ask for an exception either. If you all go maybe go in between like you thought, your DH stay behind with baby, or have a trusted babysitter so you both can attend. Me I would have a trusted sitter in the hotel/house and enjoy myself. 

[Knitting Mama]

Originally Posted by mra 

I'll be doing the same thing in May and I'm in the wedding so there is no skipping it for me! It is for my cousin and has been in the planning stage since before I knew I was pregnant. She also has a no children policy (although I heard this through my mom, yet nobody has said anything to me yet which kind of pisses me off since we have to fly to NJ from AZ), so we have decided that hubby just won't go to the wedding and he will stay with Julia. I'll go home to nurse immediately after the wedding and if all is well I'll return to the reception. If hubby is having a tough time, I'll just skip the reception. 

I completely understand the no children policy, but at the same time it will bother me if she won't make an exception for us because we are spending a lot of money to get to NJ (flight, dogsitter, my wedding dress and shoes, time off work for my husband) and Julia will only be 4 months old. At this point, I'm really wishing I hadn't said I'd be in the wedding!

Since you haven't heard from her directly yet, are you sure she won't make an exception for Julia? I would ask!