Mothering › Forums › Parenting › Ages and Stages › Life With a Babe › Going to an 'adults only' wedding!?!?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Going to an 'adults only' wedding!?!? - Page 2

post #21 of 35

We were invited to an adults only wedding also. Our options were to bring along a sitter and have her stay near the reception in a room, then I could scoot away and nurse as much as needed. Other option- my husband would go to the wedding and reception alone. In the end that is what we chose due to cost since it was out of state and we would be buying airfare, not to mention it was just too complicated to make it work.

post #22 of 35

I think the key is this:

 

1) They don't have to invite kids

2) You don't have to go

 

Nobody needs to be offended by anything. If I were invited to an adults-only wedding, I would decline. Not out of spite - but invitations are not a command performance, and if it doesn't work for me, I have the option of not going, nothing wrong with that at all.

 

Now, if I declined to go and there was a fuss about that, that would be another story - but the problem would be with them, since invitations are, again, not a command.

 

So, it just doesn't have to be a big deal at all.

post #23 of 35
I take no issue with those who choose to have adult only weddings and receptions SO LONG AS the couple doesn't take issue with those who choose not to attend.

Putting limits on guests sometimes limits the guests who can come.
post #24 of 35

Well, I'm going to be different and say that I do NOT get the adults only wedding thing. I'm not married, I have no plans to marry the love of my life as of yet, but I also don't think that a loud toddler would ruin a bride's "perfect wedding day." ...And if it did... well then I would have to call that bride high maintenance. A wedding that excludes loved ones because of their age seems closed and weird to me. I would want to celebrate with my loved ones, and their children are included in my circle of love and community. I include them in all my activities, and I would in my wedding as well.

 

If the children weren't allowed at the ceremony, I would find a way to make it work. If they aren't allowed at the reception either, I wouldn't go. That's just me.

 

post #25 of 35

Sadly, we had to turn down two invitations this past fall to weddings that were 'adult only'. We had a then three year old and a 4 month old. One I didn't mind because I didn't know the bride or groom (the bride was DHs friend from growing up and they are not close). The other was one of my best friends from grad school. That was very hard to turn down. If it had been an in town wedding I could have done it, but it was out of town (as in a 2 hour flight and many states away) and my babe was 100% EBF (and truth be told, DD#1 doesn't do well without me at night even at 3). If we all could have gone I would have made the effort and spent money to travel. I would probably even have done it if I could have gone alone, but brought my baby. 

 

My advice is to call the bride and groom and tell them why you need to bring your baby. They have no idea what your life is like. They don't have kids and they are completely consumed by this one day. I did double check with my friend to see if the girls were invited and she said no. So I RSVP'd 'no'. In short, we haven't been in contact, she won't answer my e-mails and I'm pretty she is pissed I didn't come (I didn't explain until after the wedding why I couldn't travel). I should have explained my situation and asked straight up if I could just bring Isabel. I can only hope she'll understand my choices a bit more when she has a baby of her own. 

 

I do get the thought behind 'adult only' weddings. It wasn't the choice I made for my wedding, but I do get it. The problem is it places an unfair burden on parents of young children, to choose between our friends/family getting married and our kids. If we choose the later, we are seen as selfish/coddling because we won't leave our children at home. 

post #26 of 35

 I don't particularly care for 'adults only' weddings (isn't the whole point to celebrate the coming together of two FAMILIES?), but if that's what the wedding couple want, that's what I'll do. It isn't worth stressing.

 

One of my younger cousins got married last summer - like your cousin, she's probably the last to get married. I really wanted to go, and I'd see relatives I hadn't seen for awhile. Unfortunately, the reception was adults only. So, dh came to take care of the kids, and I went to the wedding. Not ideal, but we didn't have a baby sitter, and I wasn't about to hire a stranger in a strange city (even though my kids were 6 and 9).

post #27 of 35
Thread Starter 

Thanks everyone for your comments.  Unfortunately, I am still a bit on the fence about going to the wedding. 

 

I want to go to FL, because if we did, we'd be renting a house for a week with my parents and just doing that would be fun for me and the kids.  The rental house looks to be 20 min from the wedding.  DH would be flying down for the weekend only, so having him stay behind to watch the kids makes him a very expensive babysitter!

 

I don't feel as put off as I did originally about the adults only policy.  (But believe me, the bride has many other issues that make me call her high maintence!) Since we never even considered excluding kids at our wedding and have never been to an adults only wedding, my immmediate reaction was one of incredulity.  I do agree with some people that if someone's going to have a no kids policy, they need to assist out of town guests with sitter arrangements.  My three year old would be fine w/ a sitter, and while my younger daughter has been away from me for short periods of time, she doesn't take a bottle or cup now (though that could change after we introduce solids).  But anyone who has 2 or more kids knows that watching two small ones is not easy, so I hate to just leave them with someone I don't know personally.

 

Since I want to go to FL for more than just the wedding, perhaps I will plan on going down and going to the wedding and talk to my cousin about a sitter.  If we get down there and I don't feel comfortable with the sitter, perhaps our various family members can help watch the kids in shifts.  My other cousin, the groom's sister, has watched the girls before.  Since she can't stand the bride, maybe she'd be willing to leave the festivities for some of the time to help!

post #28 of 35

It sounds to me like you want to go to FL to visit with your parents and have a vacation of sorts. But that the logistics of actually attending the wedding are problematic.

 

So, I would consider doing exactly that. Go to FL. Say that you would like to be around to wish them every happiness on their special day, so you'd like to be in the area, but unfortunately won't be able to leave your child. Just somehow be gracious about it so it doesn't look like some passive aggressive thing, because it isn't. You're not trying to make them change their plans. If for some reason they want to invite you along with baby, then great. Not being able to fly DH down just for a few hours of babysitting, and not being willing to leave your baby with a total stranger, are totally reasonably reasons you can't attend.

 

Or, like you said, have the other cousin babysit, sure, that's perfect too.

 

I didn't mention this in my previous post, but my personal opinion is that child-free weddings are silly. I don't mean to offend anyone who feels otherwise, just saying my own opinion about it, that's all. I consider weddings and funerals to be family events, community events. I don't even understand the "what if the baby cries during the service" thing - who cares? We bring babies to church and the world doesn't end. I mean, absolutely, a parent should be polite enough to go outside if a baby or toddler is having a meltdown, but a baby crying for 5 seconds while latching them on? Not going to ruin the wedding. Not anymore than someone coughing or sneezing during the service.

 

However, I understand that, by the very nature of the beast, most brides don't have children and they don't get it. They just want a perfect day and they'd probably disinvite anybody with a cough too if they could. I didn't have a child-free wedding, but if my mother suggested it or something, I probalby would have gone along with it. I didn't have a thought in my head for the logistics of people attending but leaving their small children. No clue. I also did not have a clue about how often babies nurse, or a hundred other things. Many brides don't know. That's fine. Hence, even though I think child-free weddings are silly and miss the point, I truly don't feel it's worth being offended about. If something needs to change, it's society's view of a wedding being the greatest day of a woman's life - that idea leads to some weird results. But I can't blame an individual bride for our social construct, and it's certainly not worth a fuss or any anger in the family. Go if it works for you, decline if it doesn't. Send the couple happy wishes either way.

post #29 of 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by seashells View Post

I didn't mention this in my previous post, but my personal opinion is that child-free weddings are silly. I don't mean to offend anyone who feels otherwise, just saying my own opinion about it, that's all. I consider weddings and funerals to be family events, community events. I don't even understand the "what if the baby cries during the service" thing - who cares? We bring babies to church and the world doesn't end. I mean, absolutely, a parent should be polite enough to go outside if a baby or toddler is having a meltdown, but a baby crying for 5 seconds while latching them on? Not going to ruin the wedding. Not anymore than someone coughing or sneezing during the service.

 

However, I understand that, by the very nature of the beast, most brides don't have children and they don't get it. They just want a perfect day and they'd probably disinvite anybody with a cough too if they could.


I actually agree. I too, think they are silly, though I totally get the reception being adult only when the cost of the kids might really throw things out of budget.

That's one of the nice things about Catholic weddings in a Church, with a Wedding Mass. You can't refuse attendance, because by its very nature the wedding is a public sacrament, so the public is, by default, invited whether they got an invite in the mail or not. Sorry Catholic brides! wink1.gif
post #30 of 35


That's one of the nice things about Catholic weddings in a Church, with a Wedding Mass. You can't refuse attendance, because by its very nature the wedding is a public sacrament, so the public is, by default, invited whether they got an invite in the mail or not. Sorry Catholic brides! wink1.gif
 


that's pretty much how it works where i come from as well. everybody can show up for the wedding. babies, toddlers, heck...people walking down the street.....

 

the reception is a different story. i had kids at mine because i wanted it that way (we had it at the zoo anyway) but if you are paying $50/plate i would think about seriously limiting kids. that said, even at "adults only" events that i've been to, "babies in arms" are pretty much always the exception. 

post #31 of 35

Very few of the kids I know really care about a wedding ceremony. The reception is where the food, music, and dancing is.

 

As for the whole "two families coming together" thing.....I can only speak for myself and my DH, but we both have very small, estranged families. None of my family is local, so I only had two family members attend, and they're the only two I invited, anyway. 90% of our wedding guests were friends. I daresay that only one friend was slightly put-out by our no-kids wedding....and really, she has a skewed sense of propriety at times. We invited her, her husband, and their two teenaged daughters. Her one daughter declined to attend, so she thought she'd fill the seat with her 4yo granddaughter. Everyone else was just as glad to enjoy an excellent meal and entertainment without chasing kids.

 

I went to a wedding when my DS1 was 2yo, and I had absolutely no fun at all. I spent the whole time chasing him, wiping his nose, etc. I remember next to nothing of the reception.

 

post #32 of 35

This is always hard. We had two experiences with this when my DD was little. Both childless college friends. In the case of the first one, it was out of state, and going without DD was not an option. We called and politely explained that we could not travel without DD and so we couldn't come. As it turned out, so many people canceled due to the no-child policy and out of town venue that they changed their minds and let kids come. There were many, many kids at the reception, more than at any other wedding I've been to and they were so cute! They had a fabulous time dancing, and the bride and groom expressed that they were glad they changed their minds.

 

In the second case, my DH was standing up in the wedding, he agreed before we knew it was no-kids. Again, DD was still little. It was in state but a couple hours away. And because DH was in the wedding he had to be there like all day long. Most of the wedding party stayed on site at this little inn, but DD wasn't allowed for any of it. We were going to bring my sister and leave DD in our room at the inn, but DD literally wasn't allowed for any part of this. We ended up dropping her off with my BIL and SIL who lived nearby for the wedding and through the wedding party stuff at the reception, but we left early. The bride and groom were hurt and didn't understand why we wouldn't leave her for the night and come party. We "deserved a break" and it was "just one night." We understood it was their choice, and DH certainly was going to fulfill his commitment, but we explained that she was nursing and we co-slept, and we simply would not leave her. DH chose to leave with me, I would have been happy for him to stay, but he felt somewhat put out by all this. There were actually three other bridal party members with infants, all of whom left early.

 

Now, recently we had this happen again. DD was 5, DS was 2. The wedding was an hour away, we went without the kids, leaving them with Grandma and Grandpa, and really did have fun. It was nice to get dressed up, and dance, and not worry about them for a while. It was fine, they were older. It isn't my preference, we did the big family wedding, with lots of little kids, and I loved it! But to each his own. I would, however, explain your circumstances to the bride/groom, politely. It could be they would make an exception, or perhaps rethink their policy if they had many guests in the same situation.

post #33 of 35

I loved having kids at my wedding, but I don't feel slighted or offended when others choose to have child-free weddings. I either go or not depending on various circumstances (usually I go, considering it sort of a date night with my hubby), but I would never respond with a snippy "If my child is not welcome, I won't be there." 

post #34 of 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by seashells View Post

I

So, I would consider doing exactly that. Go to FL. Say that you would like to be around to wish them every happiness on their special day, so you'd like to be in the area, but unfortunately won't be able to leave your child. Just somehow be gracious about it so it doesn't look like some passive aggressive thing, because it isn't.

 

TBH this would come off as passive aggressive, at least to me. It also kind of has a "poor me" ring to it, like: Well, I'm coming to be with the rest of the family but *sigh* won't be able to attend the wedding since it's no kids.

Maybe that's just me though.

 


 

post #35 of 35

Do you have a friend or a couple you are friends with that might enjoy a vacation to FL with you?  You could include some good friends in the fun part (hanging out on the beach), and have built in babysitters that your kids already know.  It seems like your vacation and the wedding are pretty separate events, so you could have a vacation with family and friends that also happens to include a wedding.

 

Not sure what your family/friends relationships are like, maybe this would be awkward?

New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Life With a Babe
Mothering › Forums › Parenting › Ages and Stages › Life With a Babe › Going to an 'adults only' wedding!?!?