Finding a birth mother for independent adoption process

[cdmommie]

If you did an independent adoption, how did you find the birth mother?  We have found a wonderful agency, but we have also considered trying to do this independently.  So, if you were successful, what worked for you and how long did it take for you to find her?

It really seems like a huge undertaking, so of course we are leaning toward the agency, but I am curious to hear from you all.

[CrazyCatLady]

I am a birth mom and I have only been involved in independent adoptions since agencies annoy the heck out of me.  In all my adoptions I had to seek out adoptive parents on my own.  The first places I look are parentprofiles (even though I am mad at that site for the CA thing), sometimes Craigslist (though I've never met any adoptive parents on there that didn't turn out to be weirdos), and by doing the word of mouth thing through local AP message boards and groups.  Sometimes I will check the profiles on the openadopt agencies website since many of those folks are crunchy, but not often.

I have never looked in a newspaper and if someone ever passed on a business card to me from hopeful adoptive parents, I would be instantly turned off and never consider them. 

So in my opinion as a birth mom, the internet is really your friend now a days.  Good luck to you. :)

[cdmommie]

Thank you for your insight, I really appreciate it!

[SundayCrepes]

We sent letters to obstetricians around our state. Five days later one of them called us about a just born baby. I started nursing her at 6 hours of age. She is 2.5 now and a complete joy. I can't imagine life without her. We all share a bed and sometimes when she wakes up, our 5 year old son tells her, "I love you." 

By the way, the pc way to refer to the moms is expectant mom or e-mom of just plain old mom. They're still the mom until they sign their rights away. Only then do they become birthmoms.

[cdmommie]

Thank you that is very helpful! What do you say in the letter? This is relatively new to us, so we don't want to offend anyone and I'm still learning adoption ediquitte.

[aja-belly]

before you advertise, it may be a good idea to consult with an adoption attorney first. every state has different laws on who can advertise and how you can do it. in some places you can't until you have completed a home study and i think some states only allow agencies to advertise.

[cdmommie]

Thanks Aja. We are working within agency now and I will certainly ask about those details tomorrow. I'm just so anxious that I'm jumping ahead of myself

[aja-belly]

we're really excited for you guys.   

[cdmommie]

Thanks Aja, we are excited too! We are very impatiently waiting to tell our family until we are done with the homestudy so we will be 'official'. That way if it doesn't work out for some reason at least not EVERYONE has to feel the sad. So, you should feel special to be one of our few friends to know

[SundayCrepes]

I should keep a copy of "What did the letter say" in my file for easy copy and paste since everyone wants to know what we said. You could look through my old posts to see where I've answered that before. I'll try and get you the answer later. Too busy right now for that much work. It might encourage you to know that my (adopted) 2.5 year old is nursing as I type this. Everyone wants lunch. We once were as nervous and uncertain as you are now. Now we have our complete family.