Staying sane through tantrums

[sunflwrmoonbeam]

To make a long story short, I have a much younger half sister whose toddlerhood was rather traumatic for me. She threw constant tantrums, and for months my evenings were nothing but her screaming, stopping only long enough to breathe. Because of that, I never wanted kids, until I met some sweet toddlers who didn't spend hours every night screaming. Then I decided I'd be ok as long as my kid didn't do that.

Cut to today, when my 19 month old spent from lunch on alternately screaming or whining. Putting her down for a nap was completely terrible. She threw the biggest fit she's ever thrown, and screamed herself hoarse. For the record, we cosleep and never do CIO, and I was right there with her trying to calm her the entire time. I ultimately had her call her father, which thankfully worked. Even after the nap, more whining and screaming.

She's been getting more difficult lately, and I'm scared. Really scared. How do I handle this? Could I even handle another child? (We're considering #2)

Now, I do think today's constant meltdowns were because we had just gotten back from a short vacation, she's worn out from it and she's solidly in the "do it myself" phase and consequently getting pretty frustrated. She's not teething, not sick, and aside from the vacation nothing has changed at all. And this evening she was quite happy, hyper, and went to bed easily. She seems fine.

Me, not so much. Please tell me that I'm not doomed to a year of constant screaming. How can I survive this?

[belltree]

We've been heading down the tantrum path as well. I had just posted about my 15month old fits. A couple thoughts for you, from what I've learned so far:

1. If my child is tired, hungry or sick, tantrums are more common and more intense. Keeping your child well fed and slept really can make things easier, although it won't prevent tantrums completely for us.

2. Redirect, distract.

3. Give your child words, described without judging what your are seeing ("you want this. want want want." Followed by a short explanation why he can't have it. or "you seem mad. Mad mad mad." ) Be short, young toddlers are not yet good with words. Offer hugs. Do this and then let the child be.

3. Rethink the limits and rules in your house. Which are necessary, which are just there because they ought to be there.

4. If he throws things, hurts others or himself. Keep him in a safe place. Show him how to hit pillows.

3. Your child is experiencing some intense emotions. Making them go away is not going to happen. It is ok to be mad, we all are, as adults our rants are just adult tantrums. We can try to give your children words for what there are feeling and try guiding them through this difficult time. Negative feelings are often something that is not wanted and not accepted. But they are part of life.

4. Stay sane. My heart usually goes out to my toddler, when I seem him crying, screaming, throwing himself on the floor, and would love to fix the world for him. I offer compassion, and then let him be. Someone suggested to stay close and do some dusting or do dishes (and distract myself).

A lot of these tips might not work right away, but they will help later on (hopefully).

[Lilygoose]

Also figure out if your child needs/wants direct comfort or actually does better being left to themselves a bit.  If I try to comfort my DD in the beginning or middle of her tantrum she just gets more and more upset and can go on forever. She also tells me to "go away'. If I tell her I am going to go do something in another room close by and that she can come and get me when she's ready, she handles herself much better.  I check on her every few minutes (w/o letting her see me b/c then she just loses it all over again) and she usually will come get me and we'll snuggle and talk about her feelings.  If she's going on for a long time, I might try to engage her again (it kills me to see her so upset and not be able to help her) depending on my gut instinct in the moment and sometimes she'll let me if she has started to wind down.  She just needs space to figure herslef out.