scared to be alone, bad thoughts

[corysmilk]

Well here Iam again. I really thought I wouldn't get it. I had it very bad with # 1 and with # 2 but not with # 3 I really felt good after he was born.

My baby is almost 3 months old. I have been having really awful thoughts. I can't control them. really awful stuff pops into my head. I can't control it. then today a new thought, it really scared me. I have one friend that I was telling I was having a hard time. I did not tell anyone else. Today I told my boyfriend. He freaked out. (not what I needed) Every since telling him I feel even more upset, depressed and hopeless.

I have a good life, I have worked hard to get where i am now. Why do I feel this way? I am scared to be alone with my baby.

i have my placenta still I was going to plant it in my yard. But now Iam thinking about eating it. I know I have to talk to a professional. I have been gaining alot of weight and starting to feel like I hate breastfeeding. It just feels like everything is so hard. I am having a hard time with the recovery after my csection. I still can't feel when I need to go pee. My back hurts all the time. Jade doesn't sleep until 2 and My 7 year old, gets up at 630 and we are out the door at 7 to take the bus to school. I usually just sleep when I get home. I can't be bothered to have a shower. Having sex hurts, and I don't even feel in the mood...

every time she cries I feel axiety. My boyfriend is a lot younger than me and he is really imature in a lot of areas. In somes ways he is so great.

[*Jade*]

I'm sorry, that sounds so tough.  I had some horrible thoughts over christmas, and they really shake you up.

Can you go and see a Dr or a counseller?  Are you open to taking medication?  I know that anti-depressants have really helped me in the past, and would be my first choice of treatment to get everything sorted.

I hope things get better for you soon.

[corysmilk]

thank you for responding. I am on meds already.

you know your user name is my lo's name and your sons name is our last name. It is kinda cool. lol

I need some sleep, and just some nice healthy food and teas and a bath..... I have been really neglecting myself.

I am going to call the mental health tommorrow

[azgirl]

PPD can cause sleep issues and sleep issues can really do a number on PPD. You are dealing with a lot right now! Is there any way you could nurse Jade at 10 or so and then hand her off to her dad so you can go to bed? He could bring her to bed for her feeding at 1 or so and then you wouldn't even have to wake up fully? I know with breastfeeding it is tough...but the sleep you get before midnight is really important. You could even go to bed at 8 and have your boyfriend bring her to you for feedings. It would not be forever. Even a week of more night time sleep would help. For me, I needed to take meds, eat right, take fish oil, exercise, sleep a lot and talk to a therapist. But I didn't have 4 kiddos to take care of. You are pretty awesome, PPD is tough and you are still doing what you need to do to take care of your kids.

This is the approach that worked best with my family and support system: (thank you therapist!!) I was pretty matter-of-fact and told them that I was suffering from PPD and that I was being treated. Getting adequate sleep (but keeping up my milk supply), good nutrition and exercise was of utmost importance and I would need a bit of help with the baby and other stuff for a little while. My PPD kicked in right around 2.5 months and peaked at about 4 months. I needed a lot of help and support for about 3 months. After that I started doing a lot more for myself and my family because I needed to feel competent to fully recover. You seem to be really competent already, you probably have some confidence in yourself as a mother (as you should!) As well as some routine. Routine was really important to help me feel on top of things and less stressed.

How long have you been on medication? Is it a medication that has worked for you before?

Are you taking any supplements? Fish oil (look on the bottle for the amount of EPA, my Dr. recommended 800mg a day) magnesium citrate and D3 have all been mentioned on this forum as helpful and I took all 3 (still do, 3 years later)

Have you seen someone about your C-section recovery/pain issues? Physical pain puts such a huge strain on our mental health. You are an experienced Mama, you know that that having a baby and nursing can make sex painful, but if your pain is more than that really push your Dr. for help. You are not getting enough sleep, it's really hard to want sex until you are rested. BUT it shouldn't hurt more than "normal"

Once you are getting a little more sleep at night and the weather warms up, you could take long walks with Jade after you send your older kids off to school. Fresh air, sun and exercise will make you feel better...

So, maybe try talk to your boyfriend in a calm manner about your condition. (As apposed to talking about how stressed and hopeless you feel, he can't do anything right now about THAT, but he can help you get more sleep....) Even normally mature, supportive men can become overwhelmed by the extreme anxiety, sadness and hopelessness of a partner suffering from PPD. Tell him what you need and tell him that you will get better. You will!

I hope you feel better soon Mama!

Edited to add: I was also scared to be alone. For the most part I tried not to be. Is there anyone who can keep you company during your "alone" hours? I am an introvert, so the lack of alone time was a strain, but helpful for those early scared-to-be-alone days...

[*Jade*]

How funny about the names!!  Sounds like calling the mental health team is a good idea, good to have lots of support wrapped around you right now.  I hope it goes well!

[scottishmommy]

OP, you are suffering from "intrusive thoughts". http://www.pregnancy-info.net/postpartum_obsessive_compulsive_disorder.html
Intrusive thoughts are the "obsessive" part of OCD. Please know that they are just thoughts. You will not do any of the things you think about! I had the same problem after my dd was born, and I managed to get rid of them with psychotherapy. I know it is incredibly distressing! FWIW, everyone gets these weird thoughts, but most people just ignore them. We more scrupulous types analyze them and are convinced we are secretly evil, psychopaths. Trust me, you are not a bad person and you will not hurt your baby, even if you think about it. Your HCP should be able help you find the right medication for OCD. In the mean time try taking some magnesium citrate to help your muscles relax. Hugs!

[SGVaughn]

something a doctor said to me when I had PPD with my first baby was really helpful to me and has helped me the last 15 years of parenting and in life in general...so I'll pass it along

"it is absolutely okay, and somewhat normal to think the thoughts but not to carry out the actions"

my PPD was a form of psychosis..I was hallucinating..I thought people(including my baby) were demons in disguise (Im not religious or superstitious) I had very negative thoughts and no support.. Im glad I had the understanding that it wasn't real or it could have been really bad

the doctor recommended and I recommend this to all mothers when theyre overwhelmed..put baby in a safe place (crib, co-sleeper, bouncy seat, swing whatever) make a cup of tea and sit down outside for a few minutes...remember you're a person outside of a baby's mom

the sun the quiet and the tea will give you a few minutes of sanity...it wont cure it, you need outside help for that..but it gives you a small break

all the other advice you've been given in this thread is spot on but I wanted to pass that on

[corysmilk]

thank you so much!! I really needed to hear all this.

I have called the mental health and talked to the crisis person. I am going to start some councelling. and there is a support group that I am going to check out. It seems that the more I talk about it the better I have been feeling. I 'll let you know how it goes.

I still feel very tired, and over whelmed. my mom is coming to stay for a couple days tommorrow. I know it sounds like a good thing but reallly, my mom is going thru some stuff right now, she found a lump. AND she is bringing the 2 girls she nannies for, the they are 14 and 13. so it should be interesting. its the only way for her to come and see us. I love the girls, my mom has worked with them since they were 2 and 10 months.

I am hoping to get some more stuff unpacked and organized. Did I mention I just moved, lol

[hippymama23]

sleep is a key. You have t get some sleep.  Sleep deprivation is so bad.  I don't remember the first three months I was so exhausted.

[scottishmommy]

Originally Posted by corysmilk 

thank you so much!! I really needed to hear all this.

I have called the mental health and talked to the crisis person. I am going to start some councelling. and there is a support group that I am going to check out. It seems that the more I talk about it the better I have been feeling. I 'll let you know how it goes.

I still feel very tired, and over whelmed. my mom is coming to stay for a couple days tommorrow. I know it sounds like a good thing but reallly, my mom is going thru some stuff right now, she found a lump. AND she is bringing the 2 girls she nannies for, the they are 14 and 13. so it should be interesting. its the only way for her to come and see us. I love the girls, my mom has worked with them since they were 2 and 10 months.

I am hoping to get some more stuff unpacked and organized. Did I mention I just moved, lol

she's bringing two teenage girls? OP that's wonderful. Let them take care or the baby and kids so you can sleep, sleep, sleep.

[EnchantedMamma]

Your mother may have found a lump, but I can all but guarantee you that YOUR health and safety matter more to her than anything else.

Don't feel guilty about needing help right now.

[LynnS6]

Definitely sounds like intrusive thoughts to me -- you've had a lot of stress -- new babies and moving are tops on the new stress thing, and you've got 4 kids to deal with. That's a lot.

Think of the intrusive thoughts like your mommy instincts on overdrive -- they're scary, and out of control, but they're also very related to your mothering hormones. I'm glad you've found a support group and that your mom is coming over to help. At 13 and 14, the girls might be able to help with the younger kids (and actually enjoy it!).

You may need to consider medication if things don't improve. Intrusive thoughts are often part of PPD-OCD and they can be stubborn things to get a handle on with counseling alone.