unexpectedly pregnant and needing lots of support

[Siar]

We found out just 3 weeks ago that I am unexpectedly pregnant again. I am nearly 12 weeks along and it has hit us (and particularly DH very hard). We already have 2 children and that was where we were going to stop - but for DH that is already two too many. He wanted me to get an abortion; we talked and talked about it. He is really quite depressed and our financial situation is very shakey. I couldn't go through with it. During my previous pregnancy he reacted in a similar manner. I know not to expect any physical contact, any sympathy, any accompaniment to antenatal appointments. At the moment he will barely look me in the eye. I am being very understanding of him, but it is incredibly hard . I am sharing my thoughts and fears and concerns with him, but he won't really discuss anything with me. Only that having children has completely ruined his life. But he seems only to be able to wallow in the awfulness of it, rather than trying to stay positive and make the best of what we do have. I am made to feel guilty for getting pregnant - but he has to take half of the blame. Since becoming pregnant with our second child, DH has been going to get a vasectomy. I have been reminding him every few months, but he has not made the appointment. I even offered to make the appointment for him, but he wouldn't let me. He will not use condoms. I had a mirena coil in for a few years, but there were lots of unpleasant side effects so I had it removed. We were practising natural family planning (checking ewcm and cervical position) and leaving vast windows of time so as to do extra safe - but still it went wrong somehow. I don't really know what I'm going to get out of posting this message, but I needed to get it out and share it with someone. I don't have anyone I could talk to about this in real life. Please don't rail me about contraception - there really is no point. I am just after some understanding and hugs. It is very upsetting for me to have to go through yet another pregnancy with no support. Believe it or not, I do still love DH very much and I can see how hard this is for him. But when I really need his support and comfort, he is not there for me - and so distant. And I know that it will probably be like this at least until the baby is a year or so old and it is so hard to cope with on my own.

[Bebe's Mom]

I just wanted to say that I feel for you. My DH was not happy at all when I got pregnant with DD..He was unemployed at the time, and already had two children from a previous relationship-very complicated situation there...anyway, he was supportive to a point-he would go to appointments and such, but was worried and unhappy about the situation until DD was born. Now he is totally in love with her.

I hope that your DH can overcome his feelings and support you, I know how difficult it is to feel like you are going through a pregnancy alone.. Have you considered counseling?? It sounds like you could benefit greatly from it, even if your DH refuses to go..

Good Luck

[Greenlea]

I feel for you.  Every pregnant woman needs as much support from those around her, especially the father.  However, I do think its terrible of him to simply blame you for this - especially since he's the one that didn't want to use condoms.  I just worry about how this will effect his relationship with the baby, even as he/she gets older.  Does he have a good relationship with your other two kids?  In what way has it ruined his life?  I know my life drastically changed when I got pregnant twice without planning it too, but we've made the best of our situation.  And we are in the same boat with bad finances; we also have a very small house. 

I just always think about my parents - they have 4 kids starting in their teen years without planning any of us.  We lived in a small one bedroom home until I was in the 6th grade.  My parents struggled but everything worked out in the end.  I hope it does for you too.

[Mainebirdgirl]

Lots of hugs!

I'm so sorry- I hope that your husband takes some credit for the pregnancy and can remove himself for his wallow. It is not all your fault- at ALL! Carrying the physical/hormonal burden is hard enough, I hope that he can help you with the emotional burden. It sounds like he needs a reality check of what a wonderful life and wife he has- wish we could do that for him.

Good luck.

Take care!

[dailyamayzed]

I know how you feel. It sucks. My DH did have a vasectomy before our unexpected pregnancy. There was no joy for months. He wouldn't talk about the baby until very late in the pregnancy. I was pissed, of course, because I still had to be pregnant while he was dealing with his feelings about it. It changed our lives in many ways, but for the better. Its hard to explain how. But now our DD (third child) is 15 mos old and he adores her. Even though he still laments having children at all, he sees her and his heart melts. 

This is a very complicated time for you. I would recommend you ask for support from anyone that will give it. Lean one someone and let your DH work though it on his time. I still have some resentment toward my DH for his distance during that time. For leaving me alone emotionally, but now we are strong. You will come through it. 

If you have any questions or need to vent.... 

Renee 

[mamabutterfly]

Also sending you hugs,mama.

I just wondered whether you two would ever seek counseling/talk to a clergy person/friend ect? Or whether dh might on his own? Because struggling with an unplanned pregnancy is understandable, but why feel like the children "ruined his life"? That's very extreme. Could he be depressed?

He does need to take some responsibility for his actions - he did choose to put off the vasectomy have sex without BC (which in my situation is fine by me, but I'm okay with unexpected pg and so is DH).

And so here he is in a situation he doesn't find ideal. But my goodness, whose life is ideal? Families have their lives torn apart by natural disasters, too, and some find a way to focus on what is good in their lives. I don't mean to trivialize his emotions, but he should be a bigger person than this - he has a responsibility as a partner not to leave you alone in this pregnancy.

For various reasons, in my 2nd pg DH was also very emotionally absent, & it was so painful. I ended up asking him for specifically what I needed him to do, and he did decide to try to rise to the occasion by the end. Fortunately he also adores our kids. Does your dh have a good relationship with your two now?

Mama, I'm sorry for what you are going through. I really hope things look up soon, and that you find the support of other mama friends here and IRL as well.

take care.

[Smokering]

Ugh. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Have you tried telling him, explicitly, what you just told us? It sounds like you might benefit from a sit-down chat where you point out, a) that he is as much at fault as you for the birth control slipup (has he booked a vas appointment yet?); b) that he is behaving like a petulant child at a time when you need a lot of emotional support; and c) that he can give you that support by doing XYZ specific things (ie. attending appointments with you, refraining from any negative comments or abortion talk, giving you sympathy regarding morning sickness, etc).

It sounds like he could use some counselling, too. "Two too many" is a pretty sad attitude to have about your own children! Honestly, I've had times where I've felt that having DD was a mistake, and it was related to depression and/or doubts about my parenting (and occasionally, really awful developmental phases DD was going through!). When I'm more chemically normal, as it were, eating right, getting enough sleep and so on, I feel much more positive about parenting.

[Siar]

thank you mamas for your kind words and support. I need to sort out registering for antenatal care soon so all of this will seem a bit more real. Here's hoping things will improve. At least we are not arguing or shouting at one another, even though times are hard.

[happy2bamama]

Wow.  Hugs to you mama   

I don't know if this will help at all with DH, but he CHOSE to put his penis inside you (sorry, but I'm getting down to brass tacks here!) without any protection.  He is no victim.  Nobody did anything unfair to him.  He consented.  And now you are pregnant.  So once again, he has another CHOICE.  He can choose to abandon you and this new baby or he can choose love.  Perhaps you could somehow explain to him what he's really doing?  I sometimes like to phrase things like this, "When you are an 80-year-old man looking back on your life, how do you think you would feel about (insert choice here, but in your case - abandoning me while I carry OUR child?)"  In the moment, we can get caught up in being immature and bratty about not getting what we want, but sometimes if we can see the big picture, we can get a better point of view of what our actions are really doing to the people around us on a bigger scale.  Does he want to be remembered as the husband who didn't stand by his wife because she wouldn't get an abortion?  And if you can ask him these questions without any judgement but with an open heart to hear his thoughts, he may be more open as well.  And I can't express enough how much this is a choice he's making.  He can choose to be supportive, loving and compassionate even though he might not like what is happening.  Those two things can co-exist.  I also wonder if it might help if you validate his feelings (which perhaps you've already done) - such as, "I know that you hoped I would get and abortion.  I understand where you're coming from and I know that you feel like having kids has ruined your life and this next one will only make it worse.  You're allowed to have those feelings.  But, I could not go through with the abortion, so here we are."  Sometimes if people who are being "bratty" about something have their feelings validated back at them (however absurd they might be), then they can then move on.  This works with my 4-year-old too!  

Not trying to preach - I'm sure you're doing your best.  But just wanted to throw a few ideas out there :)

[XanaduMama]

No advice, but couldn't read and not respond. Sending much love and virtual hugs to you, mama. It does sound as though your dh is very likely depressed--any chance he'd consider getting treatment (chemical or therapeutic), or at least getting an evaluation? Getting my dh diagnosed for depression and on meds saved our marriage, seriously.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!!!

[Siar]

thanks for all the hugs - I need them. this morning DH was asking if I would get the baby adopted. I'm really not sure I could do that - it certainly wouldn't be an easy decision and I think it would affect my other two children greatly, as well as me. He says that having another baby is insurmountable. But he does get bogged down in the little details such as how we will manage as DD still shares our bed. We have a toddler bed for her in our room and plenty of time to try and persuade her to sleep in it, but DH thinks that this will be impossible. We could even move her into DS' room eventually. It is true that she doesn't sleep well even with us - she no longer feeds at night, but she still wakes and is upset and we cannot find a reason. Also, DH thinks that it is completely inappropriate for 2 siblings to share a room. He says that this was okay to do 20 years ago, but these days it's just not acceptable - and I find myself disagreeing with him. It is odd as he shared with his elder sister until he was about 10 and according to him there were no problems and he didn't hate sharing. Plenty of my friends' children share a room - I really don't see this as an issue. He sees it as being a massive issue when they are teenagers. But by the time the youngest is 13, the eldest will be 20 - and potentially may have left home or be at university. I think he is very worried about earning enough money - it is a huge responsibility for him. When we bought this house 4 years ago, he thought that I would be earning again within a year or two - but then we had DD - and now we have another on the way. On the one hand he is worried about finances, but on the other he doesn't want me to put DD in nursery so that I can contribute financially. He is keen for me to keep practising attachment parenting - but it does seem at odds with his other thoughts. Thanks for listening.

[MittensKittens]

I'm so sorry about your DH's reactions. Lots of hugs to you. You probably could do with someone in real life to hang out with, get some distraction, and perhaps even come to prenatal appointments. I just wanted to point out that there is a "find your tribe" subforum where you can find moms close to you, including lots in the UK. I met three IRL friends on MDC, actually! You might try and see if there are moms, or even AP playgroups, near you.

It does sound like your husband is very depressed. Please don't make any important decisions (like adoption) just on the basis of those feelings. Gert counseling for both of you if possible and if husband is willing.

[happysmileylady]

I am sorry if this hurts you mama, but I am going to be blunt here.  His attitude totally sucks and your toleration of it only enables it to continue.  The "two too many" about the ones that are already there is a horrible place to parent from.  This pregnancy was, IMHO more his fault than yours.  Yes, you made a miscalculation, but he outright refused to take precautions.  It's like refusing to put your seatbelt on then being angry when you make a mistake and run a stop sign then get hurt in the ensuing accident.  He CHOSE not to put his seat belt on, so he has no one to blame but himself for the ensuing accident.

I am going to suggest that you stop tolerating his attitude.  Stop telling him you see how hard it is for him.  Stop listening to any discussions of abortion or adoption, it's obvious to me from your posts that you do want to keep the baby.  Sit down and tell him that he's is not treating you like his wife.  He is not handling the "for better or for worse" part of the vows very well.   He's being selfish and only thinking of himself, not how any of this is affecting you or the kids. 

You mentioned he is depressed.  I think the two of you need ot have a serious discussion about getting him help.  Even if his actions are the result of the depression and not just him being selfish, they still aren't acceptable and he needs to do whatever needs to be done to get him to start acting like a husband and a father again.

[happy2bamama]

Originally Posted by happysmileylady 

I am sorry if this hurts you mama, but I am going to be blunt here.  His attitude totally sucks and your toleration of it only enables it to continue.  The "two too many" about the ones that are already there is a horrible place to parent from.  This pregnancy was, IMHO more his fault than yours.  Yes, you made a miscalculation, but he outright refused to take precautions.  It's like refusing to put your seatbelt on then being angry when you make a mistake and run a stop sign then get hurt in the ensuing accident.  He CHOSE not to put his seat belt on, so he has no one to blame but himself for the ensuing accident.

I am going to suggest that you stop tolerating his attitude.  Stop telling him you see how hard it is for him.  Stop listening to any discussions of abortion or adoption, it's obvious to me from your posts that you do want to keep the baby.  Sit down and tell him that he's is not treating you like his wife.  He is not handling the "for better or for worse" part of the vows very well.   He's being selfish and only thinking of himself, not how any of this is affecting you or the kids. 

You mentioned he is depressed.  I think the two of you need ot have a serious discussion about getting him help.  Even if his actions are the result of the depression and not just him being selfish, they still aren't acceptable and he needs to do whatever needs to be done to get him to start acting like a husband and a father again.

Yes to all of this.  I couldn't agree more.  He is a man who made choices and is it not okay for him to punish you for them.  Does your DH do this with other things too?  Aside from him not supporting this pregnancy, does he support you in life (not monetarily, but emotionally)?  Does he bring love into your home and life at least sometimes?  Do you kids feel that he resents them?  

My read on him having this agreement with himself that kids these days cannot share rooms is more about how he views himself as a parent.  I would imagine that even though he shared a room with his sister and it was okay, he probably wanted "better" for his kids and feels either embarrassed or angry (or both) that he couldn't provide "better" than he had.  I have no idea if that resonates with you (and him) at all, so take it for what it's worth :)

He does seem like he is stuck in negativity and emotional poison and is administering it to you and your family.  I wish you guys the best.  Know that you deserve to be loved and supported and enjoyed in this life :)

[zuzunel09]

Originally Posted by happysmileylady 

I am sorry if this hurts you mama, but I am going to be blunt here.  His attitude totally sucks and your toleration of it only enables it to continue.  The "two too many" about the ones that are already there is a horrible place to parent from.  This pregnancy was, IMHO more his fault than yours.  Yes, you made a miscalculation, but he outright refused to take precautions.  It's like refusing to put your seatbelt on then being angry when you make a mistake and run a stop sign then get hurt in the ensuing accident.  He CHOSE not to put his seat belt on, so he has no one to blame but himself for the ensuing accident.

I am going to suggest that you stop tolerating his attitude.  Stop telling him you see how hard it is for him.  Stop listening to any discussions of abortion or adoption, it's obvious to me from your posts that you do want to keep the baby.  Sit down and tell him that he's is not treating you like his wife.  He is not handling the "for better or for worse" part of the vows very well.   He's being selfish and only thinking of himself, not how any of this is affecting you or the kids. 

You mentioned he is depressed.  I think the two of you need ot have a serious discussion about getting him help.  Even if his actions are the result of the depression and not just him being selfish, they still aren't acceptable and he needs to do whatever needs to be done to get him to start acting like a husband and a father again.

I heartily agree with happysmileymama...he may need to be treated for depression, but if you end up depressed/anxious during your pregnancy, it is very bad for both you and the baby.  I am just wondering what he thought married life would be like?  I went to a marriage seminar and the speaker told us that our happiness in marriage is dependent largely on our expectations.  If he expected to marry you and carry on as a bachelor, I can see how this would upset his worldview.  My husband and I love kids and are crazy about ours...but it's still the hardest job in the world, even when you start out with that love and belief that babies and children are an infinite good unto themselves.
 

[Snugglebugmom]

Another vote for Happysmileylady's post. And I would also like to add this: I'd like to smack your husband upside the head. 

(That's probably just pregnancy hormones, and I apologize if it hurts your feelings.)

[Agatha_Ann]

I have to agree with Happysmileylady too. My DH always has a bad attitude when I first find out I am pregnant and is pretty distant about the pregnancy throughout. Even though all of our children have been planned, 3 have been fertility treatments, and the last one he talked me into. Once the baby is born though, he is over the moon and completely devoted. I can be totally sympathetic to not having that support during pregnancy. It seems like men need much longer to process pregnancy than women do, and it just isn't as real to them because we are the ones who are experiencing it first hand.

Having a hard time adjusting and maybe not being totally on board at the beginning I think is not uncommon. Felling like you have two kids too many when you have two kids, is a problem. I hope you can get your DH to get some counseling and help for his depression. Hugs mama, the last thing you need right now is stress from the person who should be your support.

[Siar]

thanks for all your support everyone. DH is pretty good with our current two children. I would say he takes his responsibilities seriously and he spends time with them and does seem to love them (though he'd never admit it). He would always prefer to be doing something else though, than playing with them. He is very into his work and research and wants to spend all his spare time on this (although he doesn't get to do that). He knows he is being awful. He says he is being selfish and horrible - but he can't help the way he feels. Still, he gets more time 'off' than I ever do. I rarely have any time without at least one of the children. I think maybe it would help us if we could occasionally get some time alone together. We have probably only had about 3 evenings off together since DS was born nearly seven years ago. Obviously we need to deal with this now, otherwise it will be like a timebomb waiting to go off. FWIW he was distant during my previous pregnancy with DD (perhaps not so bad) and I remember telling him near the end that if he didn't support me, then I felt that the stress would complicate the labour and delivery - in the end I had an incredibly fast birth and he caught DD in our bathroom! He has always been incredibly supportive once the baby has arrived. I always have huge problems with breastfeeding for about the first three months. I think it doesn't help that DS is a very challenging child (but very loving and affectionate) who didn't sleep through the night until he was 5 years old and who had severe undiagnosed reflux for 3 years. Even I would feel I couldn't possibly deal with that again. Fortunately DD has been much easier. Right now, DD still doesn't sleep through the night and DH thinks it will be completely impossible to cope with two babies waking at night. But I always think you get can through a lot with plenty of love and support - just what I need right now.

[physmom]

I'm also currently pregnant with a surprise baby.  It's been a bit of a rollercoaster ride for us both.  We both want the baby very much but we were hoping to wait a year because so many things in our life are in the middle of pure chaos and like you we have a DD who is not sleeping through the night, is still in our bed, and is definitely on the high needs side.  Occasionally DH and I both go through mini-panic attacks of how are we going to manage? How are we going to afford school for both of them (here the public schools are SCARY)? Are we every going to sleep again?

After I read your post I also was wondering if your DH was a scientist by any chance? You mentioned research and I can relate to DH feeling the need to work ALL THE TIME.  He's obsessive about it and actually had male postpartum depression for 3 months after DD was born because he wasn't working much at all and his identity is so tied to his work.  It's an issue that rears it's ugly head every now and then but as a couple we've simply learned that DH needs to work X amount of hours per day but that we also need to limit that time because we will go without eating, without drinking and literally work until he makes himself physically ill. Limiting his time has helped and has also made DH and DD much closer. Regardless of his occupation I'd suggest counseling.  It really might help him work through this problems and his counselor might be able to suggest time management skills. 

Another thing that your DH is probably not considering is that he's looking way too far into the future.  Your DD might well be sleeping through the night before your youngest is born (you DO have 6 months to work on changing up her routine and discussing the new baby coming etc), if you do ever plan on going back to work after your kids are older you might be able to afford a larger house too.  We're currently moving into a 2-bedroom and will be having our second.  It's not a permanent move (basically we're staying here until we have a good downpayment saved up and I get a permanent job) but there will mostly likely be some time where both kids will be sleeping together in one room.  Remind him that your kids are YOUNG and even if they have to share a room they probably won't remember most of it!  Also, it could actually help if they are prone to bad dreams at night. 

One thing DH and I have come to expect is that our second child won't get as much me time as the first. I'll be starting a new job soon and I'm *hoping* I can negotiate 3 months maternity leave... we'll see!  Although 3months will translate to more like 5 months just due to we lucked out with timing (because the baby will be 3  months and then bam all the holidays come!).  However, with DD I was more or less home with her for the first 2 years of her life.  I'd love to offer that to the second baby too but I haven't figured out how to be in two places at once.  I also do like my work and I know if I were to take extended leave I wouldn't have any chance of returning, ever.  It's such a hard choice but we felt much better about it after finding a wonderful school that also has a babies room and DD can go visit her younger sibling whenever she wants.  Plus, we really do need the money right now. 

As for abortion/adoption.  It seems pretty clear for your post that that's not what you want.  Follow your gut because this is a very life changing decision and don't let yourself be talked into something you don't feel comfortable with.  While I do believe marriage is very much about open communication and give and take, I think there are some things that a person just can't compromise on and live happily ever after with.  (Just to be clear, I'm not against adoption in general but I'm definitely against it if a loving parent doesn't want to give their kid up!!!)

Oh, and you're just a week ahead of me, so it looks like we'll probably have our babies around the same time! Best of luck to you!