My DD talks to EVERYONE.

[MariesMama]

This has been kind of bugging me lately ... and reading the stranger danger thread made me think of it more.

My DD is very social, much more so than I am.  She loves people!  She will talk to people at the grocery store, in waiting rooms, at the gym.  She knows not to go anywhere with anyone unless I tell her to, and she's always with me if she's not at home or at the gym daycare. 

The problem is that everyone in my area is so amped up on "Don't talk to strangers!!!!!" that I'm being perceived as a bad mom.  We were in a waiting room a few months ago, and DD struck up a conversation with a man sitting next to her.  I was sitting right next to her, and they were just doing the whole "how old are you, blah blah blah" routine, when one of the man's friends came up and the man said, "This is *DD's name*, her mom lets her talk to strangers!"  Really?  I'm sitting right here.  I'm not going anywhere without DD.  (Honestly, it gave me time to breathe.)

Am I wrong to allow DD to talk to people?  What is the proper protocol for this kind of thing?

[crunchy_mommy]

I wish DS would talk to people but he's incredibly shy!!

I think "Don't talk to strangers" is an incredibly mixed message to send kids. I remember my first ride on the school bus when I started kindergarten. All the kids were 'strangers' to me & I had been told not to talk to strangers but they were asking me what was my name, where did I live, etc. and I came off the bus & burst into tears. And I still have trouble talking to strangers on the phone or in a store, because I just was never allowed to as a kid.

I don't think there's anything wrong with letting your DD talk to people. I would make sure she understands that she shouldn't share very personal information with everyone (like her address, for ex.) and perhaps talk after some of the conversations -- "What did you think of that guy? Were you comfortable talking to him, did he seem nice?" etc. to kind of get her to tune into her instincts... actually I think there's a section in "Protecting the Gift" on that, it's a good read if you haven't read it!

[2lilsweetfoxes]

I think the whole "don't talk to strangers" does a disservice to the kids.  It is oversimplification--that if you don't talk to strangers, you won't be hurt or kidnapped.  But...everyone, at some point in their lives, some sooner than others, will need to talk to strangers or seek help from strangers.  A lost child needs to know who to go to for help:  should she choose the nice-looking lady pushing a stroller, the store clerk, the police officer?  Pretty much any of those would work--but the key is that the child seeks help, not waits for someone to come up.  That person may not have good intentions.  Also, pay attention to how someone makes you feel.  It is okay to chitchat in line for the grocery store checkout or in the doctor's waiting room.  Besides, I think it is good to have scripts--such as buying an item:  unless you do self-checkout (and possibly then, if there is an issue), you have to talk to someone you don't know.  Think about it:  in the course of a day, unless you stay at home, literally, all day--how many "strangers" or "once strangers--maybe now friends, maybe just acquaintances, or just people you see often" do you see and interact with?  The new clerk at the dry cleaners, the pharmacist, the person at the oil change place, the clerk at the grocery store, clients that come into your workplace...

[nextcommercial]

Eh.. if it isn't bothering someone, what's the harm.  Maybe a  doctor's waiting room isn't the best place.   But, I don't know why people think ALL strangers are out to hurt kids.  

When I look back at how many of my friends have been thrown into the trunks of cars and driven to the next state, by strangers, I wonder how any of us ever survived.  <--I'm being sarcastic obviously.

But, I do agree, NEVER talking to strangers is doing our kids a disservice.  Talking to every stranger they can find is probably going too far too.  But, you are WITH your daughter, and if the adult isn't bothered, then enjoy her outgoing nature.  This is probably who she's going to be in 30 years.  When she's an adult, whatever she chooses to be, you can remember back when you allowed her to feel safe talking to strangers and be happy that you did.

[Katwoman]

I don't think it's a good idea to use blanket statements.  I think we're born with an inner voice that is pretty good at "guiding" us through life.  If we let it.  Using blanket statements and talking ourselves our of listening to ourselves is harmful on many levels.  And blanket statements aren't accurate most of the time. 

Not only that but we should be teaching our kids to trust themselves and practice good decision making skills.  They can't do that if they're taught to disregard their inner voice. 

As for that man making the statement about you letting your DD talk to strangers.  You're always going to have someone think what your doing is "odd" or "unique".  It's the strange part about being a parent.  Everyone seems to think it's okay to comment on your or your offspring. 

[MariesMama]

Thank you all for the reassurance!  It never bothered me until that one comment, and then when we started activities with lots of other children.  None of the other kids even acknowledge any adults other than their own parents.  I didn't even think it was "weird" until recently. 

I'll keep letting DD speak with whomever she wants (within reason, lol) and I'll have to re-read Protecting the Gift.

Thanks!

[meemee]

oh not only do i have a talker but i also have a 'i will hold your hand and go with you'er too.

the thing i noticed was dd had a v. good inherent sense of whom to talk to and whom not to. never once, not once in all her 8 years has she been wrong. i have been wrong but never dd. 

and that has been her key. she could be super friendly with strangers and she would never talk to some of them. 

she is 8 now and i encourage that a lot. will definitely come in useful as an adult.

dd is also the kind of child who re-energizes herself around people. if she is sad or down or upset all we have to do is go out, chat with a few and she will be back to her own self. when she has been sick with a stomach ache i have taken her to the coffee shop and she chatted with the adults there and the pain was gone. 

people are her life line. to throw that 'stranger danger' at her (when she IS already following it in her own way) would have been a disservice to her. 

[bluebackpacks]

Originally Posted by MariesMama 

Thank you all for the reassurance!  It never bothered me until that one comment, and then when we started activities with lots of other children.  None of the other kids even acknowledge any adults other than their own parents.  I didn't even think it was "weird" until recently. 

I'll keep letting DD speak with whomever she wants (within reason, lol) and I'll have to re-read Protecting the Gift.

Thanks!

It sounds like you're doing a great job, Mama!

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Yeah...as an incredibly outgoing person who (as a pp put it, so well!) totally lives for my interactions and connections with people, I really can't stand this "don't talk to anyone, at any time, for any reason" thing. On the one hand, we've got everyone all crazy about these studies showing more narcissistic and antisocial behaviors in our youth population than ever before (since they started testing) and on the other hand we're telling kids that everyone they see is a potential rapist/kidnapper...which isn't hard for kids and parents alike to believe, seeing as how most of what's on the news and tv makes people out to be wicked and depraved.

But once you start talking to people, you see that most everyone you will meet has something going on with them that is worth a connection to learn about. Whether it's a story, some knowledge or just some incredible energy to share with you...it pays to connect. My ability to meet new people and get along with ease is a part of my personality, but also comes from moving just about every year of my life until I was 15. I was always the new kid. But that skill, the ability to go anywhere, talk to anyone, has paid off in absolutely incredible ways and makes life so much easier and more fun.

So, I hope my SUPER chatty DD stays that way. She is like a bursting ray of light wherever she goes. She talks to nearly everyone and has people smiling and laughing wherever she goes. I couldn't stop that...it'd be a shame for her and it'd be a shame for the world...so, I say to all the children: LET YOUR LIGHT SHINE! I, for one, am not going to push this "people are bad" thing on my kids. PEOPLE ARE GOOD. Humans are wonderful and human connection is necessary for health and happiness.

[loraxc]

I have a child like this. Of course we review safety with her, but I have never told her not to talk to strangers. My main concern is that she can be aawfully persistent-sometimes I have to remind her to give people space, let them get on with what they're doing, etc. We talk about how sometimes people feel like talking and sometimes they don't.

She is like a bursting ray of light wherever she goes. She talks to nearly everyone and has people smiling and laughing wherever she goes. I couldn't stop that...it'd be a shame for her and it'd be a shame for the world...so, I say to all the children: LET YOUR LIGHT SHINE! I, for one, am not going to push this "people are bad" thing on my kids. PEOPLE ARE GOOD. Humans are wonderful and human connection is necessary for health and happiness.

This made me happy. I am a natural introvert, and I have learned a lot from my extrovert kid, even though sometimes I feel very awkward and ill at ease when she is chatting people up. I see how she brightens people's days. She will often stop a woman somewhere to compliment her jewelry or shoes or clothes. Let me tell you, that makes people happy. Just last week she made her favorite supermarket checker a valentine, and such a smile we got.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by loraxc 

This made me happy. I am a natural introvert, and I have learned a lot from my extrovert kid, even though sometimes I feel very awkward and ill at ease when she is chatting people up. I see how she brightens people's days. She will often stop a woman somewhere to compliment her jewelry or shoes or clothes. Let me tell you, that makes people happy. Just last week she made her favorite supermarket checker a valentine, and such a smile we got.

oh me too lorax, me TOO!!! i took lessons from dd on how to connect with people. she truly brightens peoples days. she has done it from when she was a baby in hte grocery line. if someone was ignoring her she would lunge out of my arms and touch them and give them a big smile. i have had sooo many people tell me (esp. the elderly) how depressed and sad they were and then this baby smiled at them and made eye contact and went goo goo gaga and it made their day.

all my friends say dd brings out the child in them. the ones she knows she totally 'dominates' them and teases them in a friendly way and brings them out of their hole. my friends have been borrowing dd since she was 19 months coz she cheers them up so.

even today at 8 dd is always the center of the party - even adult parties coz she amazingly so always finds an interesting topic no matter what age she is talking to. 

i just stand on the bylines just amazed at her ability. however she reminds me of my mom who can talk to anyone. ma once had a long conversation with this hearing impaired person finding out a lot about him without knowing any sign language. she created sign of her own and learnt so much about him. in a whole different country in a whole differernt culture. 

in fact some of my own friendships has been initiated by dd. she started talking to the adult, i joined in and soon we became good friends.

teh one spine chilling moment i had was when seh was exploring the meaning of god when she was 3. she chatted with this completely insane homeless person (dirty, crazy haired,  not making sense ideas but comprehensible sentences) and then turned around and asked me if that person was god. 

dd has completely changed my life and i as i watch her she continues to do so with others. what an honor to live with such a person.