Long Daycare Hours ~ How do you deal emotionally?

[Phoenix~Mama]

Ugh... so for the majority of my DD's life I've worked hard to create schedules with my ex and my parents to cut down on the amount of hours my DD has to spend in daycare.  (DS has been home with my Mom for awhile now, due to his lung issues (preemie))

Well... this all got blown up today as my Mom was offered a first shift position at her work and she took it.  Now I'm scrambling trying to find home care for my DS because he isn't strong enough to go back into center care yet.  And I'm emotionally dealing with knowing my DD is now going to have to go into daycare for pretty long hours... and will even have to get breakfast at daycare.

Those that have to have kids in daycare long hours, how do you cope?  I can't help but feeling like in adequate Mom and like I'm not really the one raising my child.  The majority of her life is spent in a daycare.  It SUCKS!!!  But there are no other options.  :(  For some reason, I at least felt some better about it knowing family was taking care of her part of the day... but now that she will be in someone elses care for the bulk of time...  it sucks, sucks and sucks!  :(

[nextcommercial]

Well, what kind of hours are you talking about?  How many days?

What about a good home or family daycare, where it's a second home?  They have more down time than a center, and more time to feel at home. Maybe it wont feel so tiring.

[lyterae]

DD is in a home based daycare, thier family has become extended family for us. She is there on average about 10 hours a day, 5 days a week.

[RollerCoasterMama]

I'm coming from a different position...so what I'm saying is based on my own experience and feelings.  I really believe that it's harder to deal with an older child in care if they haven't been before!  DS went full-time daycare at 9 weeks old.  I knew there was no way I could stay home and I didn't let myself dwell on it.  He was with one home provider from 9 weeks - 18 months.  Another home provider from 18 months - 32 months.  And since then he's been in a very small preschool.  Full time the whole time.  The thing that helps the most is seeing how he bonds with his daycare provider, teachers, and friends.  He loves them all and misses them on weekends.  Even when he was just a baby!  The second he could crawl, he was in the mix with the toddlers and the names of his friends were among his first words.  Seeing my baby thrive is what made it possible for me.  When he was no longer thriving, I started evaluating what was going on and we switched to a better situation for him.  Those few months were among my most difficult as a parent because I felt so trapped.  But his new provider was perfect for him at that age and the problems disappeared! 

Typically, he's been in care from 7:30 - 5:00.  Yes, it does suck lots of days because I only get a couple of hours with him in the evening.  But he thrives on the social aspect of it and he's bright and happy! 

It might help you to think about the fact that your hours aren't changing...so your time with your daughter isn't being reduced...it's her other caregiver that's changing.  And know that you can find someone fabulous who will feel like a part of your family.  Your daughter will bond with that person and it's a Good Thing.  More people in the world that love her is a very positive thing for her! 

Center vs a home provider is a very personal choice and it definitely depends on where you live.  Around here, I couldn't remotely afford a center.  But I found home providers who were licensed and loving.  And once preschool came around, it cost about the same as full time home daycare!  So that was a blessing!

It's really hard, but definitely try to not dwell on it too much.  Look for the things your daughter enjoys.  Sneak in without her seeing you some days and watch her playing with her friends and then see that little face light up when she spots you! 

You can do it!!

[HollyBearsMom]

This was the hardest thing for me so we ended up having someone come to our home.  It made me feel better knowing he was in his own home, on his own schedule. Our nanny was like family. It also meant that he wasn't spending 9 hours in daycare and then another 1/2 an hour each way in the car.  No rush rush in the morning to get our of the house and the rush rush rush to get home at night. On top of that we would have needed to transition to being home. And when I was home I could focus on my son because I didn't need to worrying about packing up a diaper bag, packing up food, diapers, etc. In addition she did the babes laundry, got meals started etc.

Is than an option for you?

[Alyantavid]

It depends on how long you're talking.

My 4.5 year old is my only in daycare at the moment and he's there about 8 hours, 4 days a week.  He's fine with it and always has been.  I work from 7-3:30 so dh drops him off about 8:15 every morning. He always eats breakfast there because she serves it at 8:30 so that all the kids are there for it.  I pick him up after picking up my oldest from the bus at around 4.  That gives us 4 hours every evening and I see them for about half an hour every morning.  He spends one day a week at home with dh. 

I think at some point you have to realize that you're doing the best you can, you're providing your children with everything possible and having them be cared for by great people.  And they'll be fine.  I do second the suggestion to look into a home based daycare for both of them though. 

[Phoenix~Mama]

I actually pulled DD out of a home daycare over the summer because it really wasn't a good fit for her anymore, and I really did see a huge improvement in her developmentally since she has been in the center.  She really loves it there. 

[provocativa]

My kids aren't in daycare (but will be soon- and I live in a poor Southern state with terrible daycares).  More abuse happens at home daycares.  So centers can be a good fit for that reason.  And some home centers advertise 'educational' programs, but really the kids are in front of the tv all day in a cramped environment (I've seen this quite a bit).  As a homeschooling mom who is in the middle of a divorce, I would say local homeschooling e-lists and La Leche Leagues are okay places to look for care for a high needs infant, or for a better environment if you can't afford a center.  I've seen moms post on our local list about taking in kids to babysit, and the LLL leaders will make exception and send out an email if it is something that can help a mom keep nursing.  Here also you could put up a flyer in the health food store, or the prenatal and baby yoga place.  Here actually my kids might do better in a center, but I don't believe I can get a vaccine exemption.

Another thing to think about is that daycare is better than an abusive environment.  IIRC the OP's parents and ex are crappy.  It's pretty naive to think that they won't eventually be the same with the kids, even if they are behaving well right now.  My mom is not abusive AT ALL, but she really takes more liberties with the way she speaks to my kids than I would hope anyone in a center does. 

[Scrapluvnmomma]

My daughter was in an in home daycare from 8 months-3 years. I am a teacher so she went 10 months. I did heavy research looking into all possibilities and am thankful to have found such a wonderful caring place for DD. The family was wonderful who cared for my DD and is still very much a part of our lives. Should we have another they will be the first to know so I can reserve a spot for that child.
You do the best you can, find a place that works for you. The minute I walked into the home I knew this was the place for my DD.
It will all work out momma.

[marinak1977]

DS is typically at daycare 5 days a week from 8:30 till 5:15 or so. Some days are slightly longer and some are shorter, but he spends a large chunk of his day there.
I feel better about him being away from me for that long because I see how much he is loved and cared for at his center (it is a Montessori school) . I make sure to not rush through drop offs and pick ups so that I can get to know all the caregivers and let them get to know me. The caregivers even went as far as help EC DS. I think of them as part of our village and I'm thankful to have them in DS's life.
It sounds like your DD likes the center and is thriving there - let go of the guilt and focus on making the most of the time you have together in the mornings and evenings.

[nextcommercial]

Originally Posted by provocativa 

  More abuse happens at home daycares.  So centers can be a good fit for that reason.  And some home centers advertise 'educational' programs, but really the kids are in front of the tv all day in a cramped environment (I've seen this quite a bit).  

That's actually very offensive, and you aren't really even correct.  Maybe the few you've seen, but in general, none of that is true.  

*perhaps you meant in your area, not all home daycares...if so, I take back my comment...and you can feel free to ignore me.*

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial 

That's actually very offensive, and you aren't really even correct.  Maybe the few you've seen, but in general, none of that is true.  

*perhaps you meant in your area, not all home daycares...if so, I take back my comment...and you can feel free to ignore me.*

Do you have links or info on the actual numbers?  I'm curious is all. 

I do think though, that b/c not all home daycares are licensed, that there are probably home daycares that are not safe, and where abuse happens.  I'm not really sure why the statement is offensive - the pp didn't say that abuse happens in ALL home daycares, or even a lot of them, just that abuse does happen.  I personally would never use a daycare that wasn't licensed, but I also know that home daycares are smaller generally, and have fewer caregivers generally.

I personally haven't liked the home daycares that I've seen, and found a center that I felt very comfortable with, mostly b/c everyone can see whats going on in all the classrooms - the doors are always open (with a baby gate across them so no one escapes), so everyone can see whats going on in the classrooms.  Anyway, I'm interested in seeing the numbers.

[raelize]

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

Do you have links or info on the actual numbers?  I'm curious is all. 

I do think though, that b/c not all home daycares are licensed, that there are probably home daycares that are not safe, and where abuse happens.  I'm not really sure why the statement is offensive - the pp didn't say that abuse happens in ALL home daycares, or even a lot of them, just that abuse does happen.  I personally would never use a daycare that wasn't licensed, but I also know that home daycares are smaller generally, and have fewer caregivers generally.

I personally haven't liked the home daycares that I've seen, and found a center that I felt very comfortable with, mostly b/c everyone can see whats going on in all the classrooms - the doors are always open (with a baby gate across them so no one escapes), so everyone can see whats going on in the classrooms.  Anyway, I'm interested in seeing the numbers.

This comes from "protecting the Gift" by gavin de becker.  a very good book. every parent should read it.  

i think he lists numbers in there, but i don't have it in front of me.

the idea is that day care centers are safer for a number of reasons:

1) although a licensed in home day care worker needs to pass finger print checks and have their home inspected, that doesn't guarantee that everyone who enters their house is safe.  maybe they are a sweet sweet mama lady, but did you know that 3 times a week her creepy brother stops by for lunch? that her older son watches porn on his computer with his door open afterschool?  no, there isn't anyway to check that.

2) in a day care center, they should be watching carefully who comes into the building.  you can ask to see their records of sign in sheets, there are levels of authority to check the workers and no one but the workers would be spending time with your children.

3) the best place is to find a daycare center is one that is attached to a work site - a place where the workers drop off their kids. sometimes those places will allow non worker families to use the daycare center.  the idea is if some or most of the parents know each other, they are more likely to talk about their day care experience and if one parent thinks somthing is off then they are more likely to ask another parent for their idea or experience.  if they both agree something is wrong, they will go do something about it. also worksite day cares usually encourage parents to visit during the day. the more involved and present a parent is, the more likely they will notice something weird or just the high level of parent involvement will discourage weirdos from working there.

no, daycare centers aren't usually as warm as a home center, but he makes some compelling arguments for safety.

when i read that i thought it made a lot of sense.  Read his book for a more thorough understanding.  it actually makes you less paranoid and gives you ( and your kid) tools to keep them safe.

[Phoenix~Mama]

I've been looking for a nanny, as a PP mentioned it makes me feel better thinking of the kids being able to be in their own environement for 10 hours a day, vs, in a center/traveling. 

[hippiemum21580]

I myself have run an in-home daycare for years now and would highly recomend you try that route first. Ask around and check references!!! Ask for a list of parents whom the provider has provided cae for and ask for their honest oinions, any concerns, etc....! But the kids in my care are loved just as much as my own and there is far more oppurtunities for one on one. Be cautious of providers who do not encourage you to drop in any time. I have had parents who have asked friends or family mebers to come check on their child at random times. I take no offense to this and do encourage it! I want the parents to feel comfortable with their choice!  I have a two mnth old in my care today who is sick and is being worn in a sling all day long. Tough to find that in a public daycare......the student to  teacher ratio jst makes it so difficult.

[hippiemum21580]

Also, I do daily crafts and story times, lessons, etc..... with my kids and they go home with a daily report sheets. I was a preschool teacher years ago so I carried that mentality of a routine into my home day care. I think its important to know your child wont be sitting infront of videos all day...... And feel free  to it ask questions. Ie: how would you handle a tantrum, what is your typical menu, what would you do if.....etc.... And walk through the home and out door area! Off limit rooms should be prperly locked obviously. Be nosy! This is where your child will be! You have that right! And if a provider has issues with that, go elsewhere!!!

[StarMama]

I too run a licensed home daycare (going on 5 years this summer), and have a lot of empathy for you mama.  I started my daycare so I could continue to stay home with my oldest (who is 7 now), and continue to do so in order to be home with my youngest (4 months).  

My home is much more infant focused right now (with my daughter and my daycare little who is 7 months old) but we still aren't a tv-all-the-time household with the older children even without a specific routine (except naptime and meals are pretty set).  Sure they do get to watch shows at times (caring for 4-5 children 55 hours a week and needing to provide so much care for the infants makes some sort of distraction and downtime very helpful), but even with lots of free play time they are up and about in my playroom or outside playing together.  

Anyways this thread isn't about me defending what I do in my business, but I was just trying to show that you'll have a lot of variation with home daycares as well.  

Can you drop in to visit your daughter?  Make phone calls to chat?  I've had parents do both things to stay connected and do my best to support the parents when they are having a hard time with being away from their children.  Taking photos of special events for them, inviting parents to come over and help with projects (its darn difficult now with two babies to even make christmas cookies with the children), ect.  I hope you have a provider who loves your daughter and allows you to connect with her as much as you are able.  I adore my daycare littles and frequently get told "I love you Lisa" and have lots of hugs and snuggles.  I consider these children family and all the children in my care have been here long term (for example my 3 year old little boy has been here since he was 11 weeks old and his little sister joined us when she was 11 weeks old as well).  These kind of relationships are possible, and if I was faced with needing care for my children I would be comforted by finding and having similar care.  

[GuildJenn]

Assuming your kids sleep 11 hrs at night, that leaves 91 hrs a week.

Let's say they nap for 1.5 hours. Here's what you're missing:

Daycare - 50 hrs a week - 7.5 sleep hours = 42.5 hrs

Home - 41 hrs a week - 3 hrs nap = 38 hrs

Really, you're still raising your kidsl  Even this intensively you're close to even on hours, and yours are way more significant.  This is not even including holidays.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by Phoenix~Mama 

I've been looking for a nanny, as a PP mentioned it makes me feel better thinking of the kids being able to be in their own environement for 10 hours a day, vs, in a center/traveling. 

Given your son's health issues, I think a nanny might be wise. But when he's older, I'd actually recommend a center/home daycare close to where you work. That time traveling turns out to be great bonding time with toddlers and preschoolers. Both my kids have gone through a period of mourning after they quit going to daycare with me. We had 40-50 minutes a day where they had my attention because we were in the car (25 min there, about 20 min home). Once they started at our local school, they didn't do that anymore (they come straight home, as dh works from home). While they're happy to be home, they do see less of me than they did when I picked them up and dropped them off. It's actually easier to be stuck in traffic with your kids in the car than it is to be stuck in traffic wanting to get to your kids!