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Sex in the family bed. - Page 7

post #121 of 129
Quote:
Originally Posted by littlest birds View Post

I think it is not hard to draw the line, but of course it is different for different people.  Personally, we draw the line using our sense of how aware the child may be.  An infant's awareness is different than a toddler's and we can draw our lines just fine.  There are no moral problems here for us, but we don't do anything we consider questionable and I do not believe our kids have ever seen anything that made us feel they had seen too much or anything that upset them.  The other line to draw is whether we can relax and enjoy ourselves.    

 

We have always had our ways of being sneaky when we feel the need, by being quiet and under covers or slipping away to an odd part of the house while they are doing their own thing during daytime hours.  We do put ourselves in a position of taking a risk of being walked in on, but we can hear footsteps well so we can cover up and by the time the door opens, we're just cuddling and not at all "graphic."  That's okay.  I am not shamed or anything if that cuddling suggests something more yet we are not on display either.  My kids are quite a bit older now, so they can get the idea of a closed door and they are capable of being alone doing other things in the house.  We no longer cosleep, but we have coslept with up to three kids.  (We had a whole room floor covered with futons at that time.)

 

I don't see any problem with doing it while nursing an infant who is truly not aware.  I would consider an infant in the la-la land of sleep-nursing not disturbed by a gentle quickie from behind, even though it's not very "fun".  But it really is not "fun" so why go for it, generally?  I can darn well tell the difference between a sleeping unaware infant (who simply doesn't judge the activities of others) and a near-toddler who is quite curious about what the adults are up to.  Later, a sleeping child with enough room to be undisturbed, no problem.  You can probably tell if they are likely to be disturbed just based on your awareness of their environment and sleep patterns.  A bouncy queen size bed of course is entirely different from multiple mats on a non-bouncy floor.  Full darkness by itself can provide a buffer of privacy as well.  So some things depend on the setup as well.  Blankets and carefulness with noise are worth it if it is the only way to be intimate.

 

If you are like most cosleeping families in our culture, you are choosing to not set up an individual bedroom for your child even though you have one available.  Well, that room should have an extra bed in it anyway IMO whether you call it a guest bed or whatever.  You don't have to send your child to a separate room at night to be able to have one available for you.  We generally always had more beds in the house that might be used for nursing and napping anyway because we had multiple young children and sometimes just needed extra spaces for different people's needs.  We actually needed an extra place for an adult just to get a nap alone sometimes, as my dh sometimes had to work odd very late and very early hours and had to catch up on sleep at a different time from the children's sleep.  We also used the couch more for DTD during that time of our lives after kids were all asleep and of course we did have a lot less sex regardless.  That was mainly because we were unpredictably on call and tired though.  Interruption for basic baby needs was always possible when they were little, no matter where we went.  Location was the easy part IME.

 

I think cultural norms are affected also by the relative luxury of privacy we have.  Americans often have more rooms available than other families in other countries.  When a family shares a single room or tiny house, as has been and is the case in many times and places, they devise different methods and standards for how discreet they are.  If you share a room by necessity, a child may wake up in the night and notice adults being "wrestly" and noisy in their shared blankets.  How shocking is that?  I don't find it shocking.  However, I do have the luxury of more privacy than that and I do use it.  It's just more relaxing and comfortable.   

 


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We don't have any extra rooms, so some of this doesn't apply to us, but I love this post. Mind you, I think the issue of privacy being a luxury is multi-faceted. It's a luxury, but it's also a cultural expectation, to some extent. In many times and places, that level of luxury wasn't an expectation, so I'm sure people handled it differently. (I'm extremely edgy about being heard or seen or anything...but I doubt I would be if I'd grown up in a place where sex and sexuality was more public, yk?)

post #122 of 129

My experience with my children went like this:

 

DD is born ... in our student years ... sex in the full-size family bed with DD beside us bc she wouldn't fall asleep in the sidecarred co-sleeper or be moved without waking after she fell asleep.  We lived in a one-bed room apartment where the only alternative was a very uncomfortable (and quite nasty Craigslist) couch or the floor.  At some point as she became more aware, we moved to a blanket on the bedroom floor for sex.

 

We continued until she was about 11 months, when we got jobs and moved into a 3-BR house.  Purchased a new king-size (very non-bouncy) bed, and started going to the our old full-size in another room for sex.

 

Moved when DD was 2.5 to another 3-BR house.  Continued using the spare bed until our au pair arrived when DD was over three and I was 6 months pregnant with DS.  Sex bed became au pair's room.  We bought DD a twin to side-car to our bed, and went back to sex in the king.  This is where we are now, and DS (5 weeks) is in the bed with us.

 

This works for us right now bc DS is still very young/unaware, and DD a very heavy sleeper.  I am positive that she has never woken up while we are having sex.  If she was a lighter sleeper or if she had ever woken up, we would have moved the sex to another room and gone back to the floor if necessary (ouch, hardwood), before now.  I will continue to assess her understanding of sexuality and eventually we will move the sex out of the room again if she doesn't move into her own bed before then.

 

I agree with the "sleep style" post earlier.  Age, sleep style, sex style ... all these are factors in each family's individual circumstance as to when sex in the family bed might be better off somewhere else.

post #123 of 129

So, Stormbride, if I am reading you correctly, your position is that it is not harmful for a child to witness his or her parents having sex under the covers, even if the child happens to wake and notice that his or her parents are hiding something.  According to you, it is, however, harmful for a child to witness his or her father covering his erect penis even if the child never notices that his or her father is hiding something.  I guess I'm just a bit confused.  If it's perfectly fine to hide sex from a child, why exactly is it harmful to hide an erection from a child? 

 

Also, when I say "modesty" what I mean is covering one's body.  I didn't mean to imply any moral imperative to do so.  Sorry if that wasn't clear. 

post #124 of 129
Quote:
Originally Posted by no5no5 View Post

So, Stormbride, if I am reading you correctly, your position is that it is not harmful for a child to witness his or her parents having sex under the covers, even if the child happens to wake and notice that his or her parents are hiding something.  According to you, it is, however, harmful for a child to witness his or her father covering his erect penis even if the child never notices that his or her father is hiding something.  I guess I'm just a bit confused.  If it's perfectly fine to hide sex from a child, why exactly is it harmful to hide an erection from a child? 

 

re: the bolded. That's not quite what I mean. I think the underlying assumption that an erect penis is something that needs to be hidden/covered is somewhat damaging. I don't think the act of covering it is damaging, in and of itself. I'm actually inclined to think that our cultural paranoia about children witnessing sex is also harmful, however (as someone addressed upthread), it's not something that's easily wiped out, as those children who do witness sex and then talk about it can trigger all kinds of ugliness. I don't think a toddler waking up next to parenst having sex under the covers would know the parents were hiding anything (if they were - some people do just like to have sex under the covers), so I'm not sure what you're getting at with respect to that. I don't think seeing/sensing the sex act is going to affect a child at all, unless the adults around them treat it as an "OMG - we've scarred him/her for life!!!" scenario, or he/she thinks someone is being hurt (I know one child who thought that when he walked in....long, complicated explanation followed).

 

I don't think there's anything inherently damaging about hiding sex and/or nudity and/or an erect penis from a child. I do think there's something inherentlyl damaging in the assumption that these are things that need to be hidden from a child, out of a belief that they will somehow scar the child.

 

Also, when I say "modesty" what I mean is covering one's body.  I didn't mean to imply any moral imperative to do so.  Sorry if that wasn't clear. 

 

I'm still a bit unclear as to what you were getting at there, but that's okay. My views on the entire concept of "modesty" with respect to nudity are...unusual.


 

post #125 of 129
Just throwing my two sense out there, even though it does not answer the OP! I don't see anything wrong with having sex in the bed where your baby is sleeping. They are asleep. What does it matter? The way I've always thought about it is that sex is what made them in the first place, so it's not a big stretch for me to be ok with it. Personally, I couldn't nurse and dtd at the same time, but that's just me.
post #126 of 129
We used an Arms Reach cosleeper for a few months when my little guy started tossing around, but it took up too much room and I had to climb around it to get out of bed so we tossed it. If sex in bed while babe is sleeping doesn't cut it for your hubby then try the floor, the living room, the stairs, the kitchen, shower, I could go on... wink1.gif
My son will be three in a few weeks and is still snuggling up to us every night! smile.gif

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post #127 of 129
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ldavis24 View Post


I guess this thread has completely lost sight of what the OP was looking for, I hope she has found some good info and would be shamed into feeling like she is permamently harming her kid if she decides to have sex with her spouse near a sleeping child. It's a tough conversation when people are bringing a lot of their own baggage. I still stand by the fact that I know looking at my kiddo that she hasn't been harmed by me having sex in front of her while she is asleep and no one can tell me just because they find it disgusting or wrong that she has in fact been harmed, I am sitting in front of the proof that she hasn't been. Then again I am not afraid of the abstract fear of her "acting out" something she sees and getting me as a parent in trouble. Kids are sexual enough on their own without seeing anything. I have seen plenty of threads on here about LOs touch their genitals or doing bizarre things and no one is running around saying CPS is going to be called or the parents must have damaged the poor thing. Seriously my DD is going to explore her sexuality without my help and if she happens to wake up and see DH and I being intimate if she does remember it, it could be a great way to start a conversation about sex in general, something I think every parent needs to start with their children at a relatively young age. Then again maybe the same people who are so freaked out by the idea of DTD in front of their kiddos won't ever talk to their kid about sex.
 


Um, no.  I'm ok with talking to my kids about sex, just not demonstrating it.  There's a point where you have to do it in a different room from a sleeping child.

 

post #128 of 129
Couldn't have said it better myself Matthia. :-)
post #129 of 129
This thread is old, and after rereading it I realized that my opinion hasnt changed at all. I have two kids now, and it's even harder for us to find a place to have sex. Trying to pin down a time to go somewhere else is impossible, you can pay for a sitter or send the kids to grandma's or whatever and it doesnt mean that you will want to have sex that night. I want to have sex 2-3 times a week. In my bed, for the most part, and we live in a tiny apartment. I quit having sex with DD in our room when she was about a year old, and it's likely that we will do the same thing with DS. Once they are old enough to wake up and want to know what you are doing, I think it's time to figure out other arrangements. But when they are itty bitty, I dont think that sex registers any differently than you washing dishes or working out. That being said, we had to have really quite slow sex when DD was in our bed, so this time we bought ourselves a co sleeper, pretty much just so we could have a place to set DS down when we wanted to do it.
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