or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Baby › Co-sleeping and the Family Bed › Sex in the family bed.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Sex in the family bed. - Page 4

post #61 of 129

I for one have never implied that sex is shameful or "hidden away and treated like it's dirty."  But yes, I strongly believe that sex is intimate and highly personal and should not be for public consumption by people who don't choose to witness or be present when someone else is having sex. (Hey, if you're a suburban swinger, that's your deal.)

 

To respond to a couple of the questions you raise - yes, I think that anyone who is living in "one room apartments, rvs, tents, school busses, yurts, basements at their parents house" should find somewhere away from their children to have sex. If that means that  "you have to let your child go and stay with someone else for a few hours just so you can DTD in your own space" then again, yes. I've lived in studio apartments, shared houses with friends and shared tents with other people. And FWIW, I can't think of a single person is my group of friends who would be OK with the idea of a "tentmate" having sex with someone a couple of feet away from them.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post

There seems to be a lot of talk amongst the mamas who dont think people should be DTD in the same room or bed with their kiddos about culture or what is okay in "our" culture. What about people who live in one room apartments, rvs, tents, school busses, yurts, basements at their parents house, ect.? There are lots and lots of "American" families that live that kind of lifestyle. SO, they should never have sex in their own space? If you live in an RV you should only have sex when you go out into the woods and find a hidden place? If you live in a one room apartment you have to let your child go and stay with someone else for a few hours just so you can DTD in your own space? Jeeze, in my circle of friends sex is something that is not to be hidden away and treated like its dirty.

 

As for the PP who said they would be so so offended if they went to another country and were exposed to people having sex:

Have you ever been to the park in San Fransisco?

Have you ever lived in a communal house?

Have you ever lived in a dorm room?

 

There are tons and tons of places right here in this country where people are exposed to sex all.the.time. Ill bet just in my youth Ive seen at least 5 couples having sex (and not because I was there to watch). For some people, its really not that abnormal to go on a camping trip and realize that people are doing it in the tent you are sharing.

 

Honestly, Id be a lot more worried about my kid watching a tv commercial that implies all the bad things about sex than I would about them waking up and seeing me on top of their father.

post #62 of 129

JMHO, but I see a difference between an adult unwillingly/unwittingly witnessing others having sex, and an infant/child too young to understand what is going on and asleep in the room while his/her parents have sex.  shrug.gif

post #63 of 129

deleted

post #64 of 129
Quote:
Originally Posted by treeoflife3 View Post



If you were reported for sex with a baby in bed with you, the question you'd be asked as an answer to the bolded is 'why, if you didn't want to move your baby off the bed, couldn't you move to the floor/couch/bathroom/wherever instead'

 

People are very sensitive to child abuse/sexual abuse.  Its one thing to have a sound asleep baby in the room but on a separate sleeping surface while you quietly have sex but people will find it a completely different thing to have sex with baby practically sharing the same pillow.  Whether or not the baby was involved with the sex or was sound asleep and had zero clue (and wasn't even old enough to understand were they wide awake anyway) people would struggle to believe you really were just having sex as if baby wasn't there even though baby was.

 

People struggle to understand co sleeping as it is.  I'm all for it personally but we all know how people sometimes have to hide that they co sleep at all because people think it is really dangerous or will screw a kid up by not being 'independent.'  Sex is always the first thing I ever see asked when co sleeping comes up.  Every single time.  and every single time the argument is 'you don't have to have sex in bed.'  People against co sleeping or not even so sure about it are going to assume co sleeping and sex are not mixed.  When they hear it has been by having sex with a baby next to the couple in bed, they are going to jump to conclusions... because people are very sensitive about child abuse/sexual abuse.

 

I'm sure the people in this thread who say they have or have had sex with their child in bed with them were doing so quietly so as not to wake baby because I'm going to assume anyone doing something wrong wouldn't say so so publicly however I am alternative enough to recognize that.  Most people are not going to be.  Ask on a more mainstream forum the same question of co sleeping and sex... in the same bed at the same time... and I can almost guarantee people will flip.  I personally can't blame them.. I don't see a single reason why I would ever need to have sex with my child able to roll right into me during.  People will want to know why baby couldn't be placed elsewhere when they went to sleep or why the parents couldn't have planned for sex at a better time or why the parents couldn't have had sex elsewhere.  People will assume that purposely not choosing another route is highly questionable because very few people don't have other options.  Even in the one room apartment I used to live in, I still had a separate bathroom... and had sex in it too.  That is how most people will think.


Ok maybe I am overreacting here but I am just going to ask if you are telling me that by having DD asleep as a 4 month old in a SIDE CARRED crib that I am sexually abusing my child? Just so we are clear here and I can go on with this conversation without going uav and getting into trouble. Not that I really wanted to go here but as someone who has dealt with sexual abuse as a child, on a personal level this is making my stomach do really unpleasant back flips. I don't understand if that is what you are saying by what you wrote but that is what it reads to me. I am going to back away and think about this whole conversation and try to figure out if I am overreacting or what.

post #65 of 129
Quote:
Originally Posted by peainthepod View Post

I can't really get out of mama mode if my babies are even in the same room, so we use the guest room bed or living room sofa with baby monitors on. I can't even imagine being able to relax enough to have sex while my child was in the bed with us. No way.



This is me, too.  The bed in our room is pretty much just for sleeping now, and that's okay.  It won't last forever!

post #66 of 129
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pirogi View Post

JMHO, but I see a difference between an adult unwillingly/unwittingly witnessing others having sex, and an infant/child too young to understand what is going on and asleep in the room while his/her parents have sex.  shrug.gif



I think there is a huge difference, and I wasnt attempting to say that they are the same. I am just pointing out to the PP who said that they would be offended if they went to other cultures and were "exposed" to other people having sex they would have a real problem with it. My point is only that you dont have to go to another country. There are plenty of places here in the US that dont keep sex 100% private.

 

I think that it is absurd to suggest that people in one room apartments should have to go somewhere else or get a sitter to have sex. Seriously? So people who can only afford a one room apartment shouldnt be able to have sex 2-3 times a week if they so desire? I, for one, will tell you that my marriage would take a huge hit if we had to pay for a sitter everytime we wanted to DTD.  What kind of healthy marriage is that child going to grow up in? It seems to me that its pretty classist to make the statement that someone shouldnt be able to have a normal, healthy sex life if they cant afford more than one room or pay for a sitter.

 

 

I have to say I 100% agree with the PP who pointed out that sex when a baby you are 9 months pregnant is really no different than when it is 2 months old. Except for one thing- a two month old is asleep when it happens, and there is no way you can know if the fetus is.

post #67 of 129

Just a friendly mod reminder to keep the conversation civil here.  Things seem generally okay so far, but there are some tricky waters being navigated in some posts. 

post #68 of 129

No I'm not saying that at all... but I reckon many people out there would... which has been my whole point.  No, you can't talk about this with just anyone.  Moreover, not everyone in this thread has said the baby was in a side carred crib... some specifically stated the baby had just unlatched from nursing (I don't intend to call anyone out here, its just a point I'm making) and yes, many people out there would be absolutely horrified by that and would absolutely call cps for child abuse.  Whether you like it or not, sex and babies are very taboo.  It can't be talked about and babies right next to mom while she is having marital fun does make me very uncomfortable regardless of the reasoning for the baby being there.  I wouldn't call cps just for that, definitely not but yes... many people out there would.  Tell a mainstream forum you have sex with your baby on the same mattress (although I'm sure there will be similar responses for a side carred crib, but I specifically intend to discuss baby on the same mattress) and there would be an outcry.  Our culture tries hard to keep the lines between sex and babies separate (I've been in a few discussions on mainstream forums about orgasmic birth and let me tell you, the responses were nothing like the folks who think nursing beyond a certain age is just for certain benefits for mom!) so having the baby RIGHT THERE during the act would open up an investigation more than likely... and like I said, anyone would be very hard pressed to explain why they couldn't have the baby elsewhere or why they couldn't have sex elsewhere.  Its going to be a very very hard sell... co sleeping alone is a hard sell... look at how many threads are about having a sleeping space for each human in the house.  Sex during co sleeping is exactly what many people are concerned about... which again, is why it is always the FIRST question that comes up.  'but what about sex?'

 

It doesn't matter what I think.. the point is, if you have sex with the baby in bed with you, you'd best not tell anyone unless you are SURE they will 'get it.'  I reckon not too many would.  the fourth trimester is something many don't believe in either.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ldavis24 View Post




Ok maybe I am overreacting here but I am just going to ask if you are telling me that by having DD asleep as a 4 month old in a SIDE CARRED crib that I am sexually abusing my child? Just so we are clear here and I can go on with this conversation without going uav and getting into trouble. Not that I really wanted to go here but as someone who has dealt with sexual abuse as a child, on a personal level this is making my stomach do really unpleasant back flips. I don't understand if that is what you are saying by what you wrote but that is what it reads to me. I am going to back away and think about this whole conversation and try to figure out if I am overreacting or what.

post #69 of 129

I for one am completely freaked out by orgasmic birth!

post #70 of 129


ok thank you for clarifying. I was practically having a panic attack over this whole conversation last night. It struck a very very sensitive nerve with me. 

I actually agree with you on most of your points about the average mainstream mama freaking out about hearing something like DTD in the same bed as LO. I can definitely see that  happening even within my own family. They always ask if we are "still" co-sleeping. Your comfort level is just different than mine I guess but it makes me very uncomfortable still people here describe it so negatively sometimes, that is just my own issue though nobody else's, something I need to get over obviously.

 

I will agree with the PP who pointed out that a lot of people live in a one bedroom apartment because they can't afford more and insisting that they cannot DTD in even the same room as their LO is pretty ridiculous. Like I said before, we live in a loft and excuse me of I don't want to have sex in my bathroom every time DH and I are in the mood. I know we aren't supposed to discuss the different cultural aspect of this whole conversation but so many people around the world and in this country included live in incredibly small spaces with maybe 1 or 2 rooms. Somehow they manage to make babies while already having babies and nobody is getting accused of any sexual misconduct with their kids. I myself am totally capable of separating what my DH and I do completely from my DD even if she is asleep in the same room.

 

Anyway I will apologize for getting heated earlier, I certainly don't want to go UAV on anyone!  

Quote:
Originally Posted by treeoflife3 View Post

No I'm not saying that at all... but I reckon many people out there would... which has been my whole point.  No, you can't talk about this with just anyone.  Moreover, not everyone in this thread has said the baby was in a side carred crib... some specifically stated the baby had just unlatched from nursing (I don't intend to call anyone out here, its just a point I'm making) and yes, many people out there would be absolutely horrified by that and would absolutely call cps for child abuse.  Whether you like it or not, sex and babies are very taboo.  It can't be talked about and babies right next to mom while she is having marital fun does make me very uncomfortable regardless of the reasoning for the baby being there.  I wouldn't call cps just for that, definitely not but yes... many people out there would.  Tell a mainstream forum you have sex with your baby on the same mattress (although I'm sure there will be similar responses for a side carred crib, but I specifically intend to discuss baby on the same mattress) and there would be an outcry.  Our culture tries hard to keep the lines between sex and babies separate (I've been in a few discussions on mainstream forums about orgasmic birth and let me tell you, the responses were nothing like the folks who think nursing beyond a certain age is just for certain benefits for mom!) so having the baby RIGHT THERE during the act would open up an investigation more than likely... and like I said, anyone would be very hard pressed to explain why they couldn't have the baby elsewhere or why they couldn't have sex elsewhere.  Its going to be a very very hard sell... co sleeping alone is a hard sell... look at how many threads are about having a sleeping space for each human in the house.  Sex during co sleeping is exactly what many people are concerned about... which again, is why it is always the FIRST question that comes up.  'but what about sex?'

 

It doesn't matter what I think.. the point is, if you have sex with the baby in bed with you, you'd best not tell anyone unless you are SURE they will 'get it.'  I reckon not too many would.  the fourth trimester is something many don't believe in either.
 


 
post #71 of 129

And I think there is something very wrong with having sex while your children are in the room. It has nothing to with "classism" or snobbery or the ability to pay for more than one room, just the belief that sometimes as parents we need to make sacrifices when it comes to our children. And yes - I absolutely believe that if you sleep in the same room as your child, you need to figure out a way to be intimate when they are not present. Whether that means asking a friend to watch the kids for a few hours, or being intimate in the bathroom, etc, is the parents' call.  

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post


I think that it is absurd to suggest that people in one room apartments should have to go somewhere else or get a sitter to have sex. Seriously? So people who can only afford a one room apartment shouldnt be able to have sex 2-3 times a week if they so desire? I, for one, will tell you that my marriage would take a huge hit if we had to pay for a sitter everytime we wanted to DTD.  What kind of healthy marriage is that child going to grow up in? It seems to me that its pretty classist to make the statement that someone shouldnt be able to have a normal, healthy sex life if they cant afford more than one room or pay for a sitter.

 

 

post #72 of 129


can you just clarify what is "very wrong" about it? Like the idea that your baby might wake up and see mommy and daddy laying on top of each other? Or that baby might wake up and here mommy and daddy making noises? I am asking seriously because I find it so strange that it is very wrong. Like I said what if you live in a loft and don't feel like having sex on your bathroom floor but on your couch which technically is in the same room as the bed. I mean do you think you are going to negatively impact them? I can see that being a concern even if I myself don't see it being an accurate one. Do you  pe think your baby will remember you DTD near them? Or is it a personal comfort level type thing, like you cannot imagine doing it yourself so therefore it is very wrong for anyone else to do it? Not trying to be snarky but saying it is "VERY WRONG" to DTD even in the same room as your LO implies that you are involving them in some way and I find that pretty offensive.

Quote:
Originally Posted by slylives View Post

And I think there is something very wrong with having sex while your children are in the room. It has nothing to with "classism" or snobbery or the ability to pay for more than one room, just the belief that sometimes as parents we need to make sacrifices when it comes to our children. And yes - I absolutely believe that if you sleep in the same room as your child, you need to figure out a way to be intimate when they are not present. Whether that means asking a friend to watch the kids for a few hours, or being intimate in the bathroom, etc, is the parents' call.  

 

post #73 of 129
Quote:
Originally Posted by treeoflife3 View Post

No I'm not saying that at all... but I reckon many people out there would... which has been my whole point.  No, you can't talk about this with just anyone.  Moreover, not everyone in this thread has said the baby was in a side carred crib... some specifically stated the baby had just unlatched from nursing (I don't intend to call anyone out here, its just a point I'm making) and yes, many people out there would be absolutely horrified by that and would absolutely call cps for child abuse.  Whether you like it or not, sex and babies are very taboo.  It can't be talked about and babies right next to mom while she is having marital fun does make me very uncomfortable regardless of the reasoning for the baby being there.  I wouldn't call cps just for that, definitely not but yes... many people out there would.  Tell a mainstream forum you have sex with your baby on the same mattress (although I'm sure there will be similar responses for a side carred crib, but I specifically intend to discuss baby on the same mattress) and there would be an outcry.  Our culture tries hard to keep the lines between sex and babies separate (I've been in a few discussions on mainstream forums about orgasmic birth and let me tell you, the responses were nothing like the folks who think nursing beyond a certain age is just for certain benefits for mom!) so having the baby RIGHT THERE during the act would open up an investigation more than likely... and like I said, anyone would be very hard pressed to explain why they couldn't have the baby elsewhere or why they couldn't have sex elsewhere.  Its going to be a very very hard sell... co sleeping alone is a hard sell... look at how many threads are about having a sleeping space for each human in the house.  Sex during co sleeping is exactly what many people are concerned about... which again, is why it is always the FIRST question that comes up.  'but what about sex?'

 

It doesn't matter what I think.. the point is, if you have sex with the baby in bed with you, you'd best not tell anyone unless you are SURE they will 'get it.'  I reckon not too many would.  the fourth trimester is something many don't believe in either.
 




Whose culture is "our" culture? I think it's very easy to forget that there are mamas from all o er the world of many different faiths, cultures and classes so it might be helpful for people to reference their perspective if we are going to effectively weave culture into this conversation - which I feel is almost essential.

Not to pull the thread further off topic but it is curious to me how being a sexual person and a mother can sometimes be treated as taboo on MDC. Maybe that's a thread I'll start for further pondering....
post #74 of 129
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sfcmama View Post
Whose culture is "our" culture? I think it's very easy to forget that there are mamas from all o er the world of many different faiths, cultures and classes so it might be helpful for people to reference their perspective if we are going to effectively weave culture into this conversation - which I feel is almost essential.

Not to pull the thread further off topic but it is curious to me how being a sexual person and a mother can sometimes be treated as taboo on MDC. Maybe that's a thread I'll start for further pondering....


I am under the impression that the majority of the people on MDC are American/Canadian or within a similar culture.  Yes, I'm sure there are people from all over the world but the majority of people on this website are going to be from a place where telling the wrong person they have sex with a baby in their bed could lead to government involvement and a hard time trying to explain why the baby was there.  I'm not going to speak to every single person instead of the general... that would be thoroughly too difficult.  My point still stands; if you have sex with a baby in your bed and you don't have the benefit of living in a place where that is the norm, then yes you should be very careful about who you share that information with.

post #75 of 129

When my DD was first born, she co-slept with us for the first 6+ months. If we wanted to have sex, we would sorta corral her within some pillows, just in case she did wake up and turn to see. I'm definitely not cool with my kid actually seeing me have sex. However, from her earliest existence inside my womb, she is familiar with the sounds of lovemaking. It is something as normal to her as hearing me laugh or cry. We eventually moved her to a toddler bed in our own room and she is now 3 1/2. One time DH and I did choose to have sex in the shower while she was napping because sometimes, we feel like having more privacy. Once we finished, we hear a little voice go "Guys, what are you doing?". Lol. I peer out of the shower and she's sitting on the potty. We didn't know that she had woken up, let herself into the bathroom and decided to go pee. Another time, we did put her in a bed in a different room and when we were done, we open our door and she was laying on the ground outside our door. So there is no escaping your child hearing you have sex, but let me once again reiterate, those noises to your child are completely NORMAL and they've heard these noises since inside the womb. She hasn't asked about sex at this point. But when she does, I'm okay with that. She has been learning about privacy and private parts, etc. and now I think this is my own internal signal to put her in her own room. Because yes, what DH and I do is private. However I guarantee that when she's in her own room, IF she happens to wake up, she's STILL going to hear us. So that's our family's view on this matter. Thanks to everyone else for their views! This is definitely a tricky issue and something I had a difficult time figuring out in the beginning.

post #76 of 129

I haven't read the whole thread, so I don't know what responses have been posted.

 

If I didn't have ds1, we'd just have sex in the living room, instead of the bedroom. As nobody involved wants the 17 year old walking in on his mom and stepdad having sex, we don'tdo that. However, i find the bedroom floor works just fine. Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with having sex in the bed while the baby is sleeping, but if your dh is bothered by it, then the vibe isn't going to work, yk? And, the motion could wake up the baby, too...which is probably the part that would bother me. I'm not sure, but I get the feeling this is your only child? If so, then I'd just take the sex somewhere else. No law that says it has to be in a bed.

 

I also want to mention that having a new baby affects the sex life, even if you're not bedsharing, and I think that applies evey if you keep your libido. There is another person to focus on, and that does shift the interpersonal dynamics. It's possible (not saying it's the case) that your dh is perceving bed sharing as being the issue, when the real issue is the adjustments that come from having a baby at all. (I'm only saying this because of the part of your post about asking him to maintain the sex life, but things didn't change. He may not be as immersed in/adjusted to the baby's presence in your lives and home, never mind bed, as you are.)

 

I can't help you on the side-carring and such. We've never done that. I have dd1, when I was pregnant with ds2, sleep in a Pack & Play beside the bed. That disrupted my sleep differently than bedsharing, but not really any more than bedsharing. DD1 was a very restless sleeper and wiggled so much in bed that I tended to be half awake a lot. When she moved to the Pack and Play, I had to actually get up and fully wake up to feed her and put her back...but then I could fully sleep when I got back in bed. It's different for everyone, I think.

post #77 of 129
We've never DTD with dd on the bed, but it doesn't bother me that other people do. I mean a baby isn't gonna know the difference ya know? I am very surprised that pp think that people shouldn't have sex in the same room as their babies or young toddlers. I feel like it's pretty common, even in mainstream American culture to do that. In fact I remember an episode of Sex and the City when one the characters is having sex only to see her baby standing up in his crib watching. There is also a commercial for a fertility monitor where a couple is going at it only to hear their baby giggling in his crib. So I don't think it's really that taboo to have sex in the same room as a sleeping baby.
post #78 of 129

Now I feel like the weirdo out of the bunch.  When the kids were co-sleeping we generally just DTD whenever they were asleep.  With DS, who was a really light sleeper, that usually meant he was in a sidecarred mattress.  DD was a really deep sleeper as long as I was near her and she would be on the other side of the bed typically, or sometimes on a sheepskin on the floor when she was a bit older.  Often that was the only way to do it.  If I left the room to try to do it in the living room, or tried to move her to a pack and play or something she would wake up and then that would ruin the moment.  A sleeping baby didn't ruin any mood for me.  DH was more concerned about DTD when I was heavily pregnant because "it felt like a threesome" to him w the baby inside but as soon as the baby was on the outside it didn't bother him either.

post #79 of 129
Quote:
Originally Posted by scottishmommy View Post

We've never DTD with dd on the bed, but it doesn't bother me that other people do. I mean a baby isn't gonna know the difference ya know? I am very surprised that pp think that people shouldn't have sex in the same room as their babies or young toddlers. I feel like it's pretty common, even in mainstream American culture to do that. In fact I remember an episode of Sex and the City when one the characters is having sex only to see her baby standing up in his crib watching. There is also a commercial for a fertility monitor where a couple is going at it only to hear their baby giggling in his crib. So I don't think it's really that taboo to have sex in the same room as a sleeping baby.


"Brady can't be anywhere near this conversation!"  "I think it's too late, he just said, 'Sex is dirty!'" ROTFLMAO.gif

 

There was also that caricatured couple in Away We Go ... 

 

I think this is a good point ... it would be helpful if someone who actually works for CPS could answer the question of if it would be a problem to find out that a couple has sex with small children in the same room/on the bed.  There is a lot of assuming going on about this highly charged topic.  And perhaps this wasn't the intention, but there is a vibe going on that since (if?) a child protective services government agency would condemn the practice, then it is therefore morally wrong.  I dunno ... I don't hold much stock in what any government agency thinks.  Understandably I will do everything in my power to keep CPS away, but that's because I see them as a potential nuisance to my family, not because I agree that I am doing anything harmful to my children.  I don't talk about my sex life with anyone I know IRL, just because that isn't something I consider a valid topic of conversation, not because I am afraid of CPS.

 

I still haven't seen anyone address WHY they feel it's wrong for a couple to have sex in the same room/same bed as a child, in terms of its impact on the child.  

post #80 of 129
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pirogi View Post





"Brady can't be anywhere near this conversation!"  "I think it's too late, he just said, 'Sex is dirty!'" ROTFLMAO.gif

 

There was also that caricatured couple in Away We Go ... 

 

I think this is a good point ... it would be helpful if someone who actually works for CPS could answer the question of if it would be a problem to find out that a couple has sex with small children in the same room/on the bed.  There is a lot of assuming going on about this highly charged topic.  And perhaps this wasn't the intention, but there is a vibe going on that since (if?) a child protective services government agency would condemn the practice, then it is therefore morally wrong.  I dunno ... I don't hold much stock in what any government agency thinks.  Understandably I will do everything in my power to keep CPS away, but that's because I see them as a potential nuisance to my family, not because I agree that I am doing anything harmful to my children.  I don't talk about my sex life with anyone I know IRL, just because that isn't something I consider a valid topic of conversation, not because I am afraid of CPS.

 

I still haven't seen anyone address WHY they feel it's wrong for a couple to have sex in the same room/same bed as a child, in terms of its impact on the child.  


I too have been waiting for this question to be addressed because I don't feel that way at all. I have no point of reference where those feelings would be coming from but I am really interested about it....Maybe I am the only one who has pets that find DTD incredibly interesting but they have been a bigger problem for us when we are actually DTD than DD has ever been....Dog licking feet, cats perched on the end of the bed etc.

New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Co-sleeping and the Family Bed
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Baby › Co-sleeping and the Family Bed › Sex in the family bed.