At what age did you / do you talk to your kids about their "private parts" being THEIRS?

[mmhinton]

Meaning, your child's private parts are not for others to touch.

I'd like to know in general, but here is a specific situation:

A mom friend ("K") takes her kids to the same KidZone  I take my boys to and our 4 yr olds go to the same preK. "K" told me today after picking up our kids from KidZone and waiting for our preKer's that her daughter "J"  (age ~2 1/2) said this as soon as they got in the car after kidzone "mom, a boy (she named him) told me to take my panties down so he could feel my warmth". K said that J said they were up in the slide/tunnel area when it happened. Apparently the boy touched J's vagina / vaginal area. This boy is several yrs older (probably 6-7...though difficult to tell as he is disabled (uses crutches - like for CP) so he could be older than that)). This boys mom is one of the gymnastics instructors at the Y so the boys is in kidzone frequently.

Yes, K will be reporting this to anyone necessary.

But, my question is - when do you talk to your kids about not letting others touch their genitals? I mean, ok, so it is one thing when you have a couple of kids who are very close friends and who are "exploring" in a non-harmful curiosity way.

BUT, it is completely different when you have kids who are NOT friends, who are different ages and one of whom is quite obviously doing something that is NOT ok.

Anyway, sorry for the rambling, but on the way home from preK, I did discuss with my boys (ages 4 1/2 and nearly 3) that there private parts (where they wear underpants) is not for others to touch, etc. Their response "why?" (which is they standard answer to everything :)

[~savah~]

I started talking to my daughter about it at a little over a year. When she was learning the names for all of her body parts. When we got to her genitalia I told her the proper names for them and explained that they were special and she was the only person who was allowed to touch them. The conversation has evolved as she has got older, but it is one that we have often. I don't think it is ever to early to have the talk.

[meemee]

dd started dc at 2. so i brought it up then.

however we talked about how certain areas are for yourself. anyone else touching it (diaper change) had to have her permission, no matter who it is - either daddy or mommy or anyone else. 

[elisheva]

We have young kids who like to go naked a lot so the "penises are private" conversations started pretty early here. Now that dd is around, we also say "vulvas are private". So far we only talk about them being used for peeing, but we acknowledge their right to touch themselves and have let them know it's ok in their bedroom or in the bathroom but not in public.

[craft_media_hero]

Pretty much from when dd became verbal, and we have talked about frequently and in more appropriate depth as she has gotten older. I have always stressed that she is to tell me if anyone touches her there or asks to look, and that her private parts belong to her and that no one else should look at them or touch them without her permission, and that includes me and dad.

[mmhinton]

thanks for the input mamas! I've talked in generalities before with my boys about their genitalia, but not really much about how it is not for others to touch - I will definitely be doing that (over and over til it sinks in a bit!) just like all other "safety" talks!

I think that I, one did not think about that with boys, though I KNOW  it can happen to boys as well as girls and two kind of had too much of a secure feeling (b/c my kids are not with strangers any where other than "safe" places) though this incident was a BIG wake up that it can happen anywhere - and even in "safe" places!

Other than answering their "why" questions, what I am not sure how to convey to them is that curiosity is normal (especially among siblings, cousins, close friends of very close ages) but that the sort of incident I mentioned in OP is NOT normal - or ok.

[Llyra]

From about the time they first learn to talk, I guess. We talk about how they belong to you and you alone, and that nobody can touch them unless you say it's okay. We also talk about how if anybody does ask to touch them, or tries to touch them, or does anything else that doesn't feel right or makes you worried or afraid or sad, that it's best to talk to mama or daddy or grandma about it. (And yes, I'd trust my mother with that responsibility. Many people wouldn't specify grandma, but in our family, we would.) And we make sure to emphasize that they can come and tell us ANYTHING AT ALL no matter what anybody says, and we will listen to them and try to put it right. I think the two go together-- that nobody can touch without consent, but also that children should feel safe confiding in someone if something disturbs them, even if somebody has said they shouldn't tell.

I make a point of bringing it up frequently, in private moments, with each child. I just had this conversation with DD2 yesterday, actually, just casually while I was helping her with her bath. She's 4.

For sure I'd want to have this conversation with a child by the time they were 3 or 4, for sure.

I would imagine your friend finds it comforting that her daughter immediately told her what had happened. That kind of trust is the most important part of preventing abuse, I think-- that children feel safe telling us, and that we listen and believe and take action to protect.

[averlee]

During diaper changes in the newborn age. Seriously. I wanted this to be something that was never a new or weird idea and never wanted to feel uncomfortable talking about those kinds of issues with my child. 

[HollyBearsMom]

I can't even remember when.  It has always been a normal part of our conversations. We have never done big "talks" about sex, bodies, private parts, etc.  Instead we believe that this information should be shared as the opportunity arrises, at age appropriate levels of course.