don't know what to do...

[mothering1]

I am a member, mostly a lurker here, but I made this new account because I need some help. 

I have been married for 5 years and have 3 kids under 4. 

My husband is very verbally absuive towards me. When we have an arguement or even when we don’t and he is just feeling grumpy, he says the most horrible, disrespectful, degrading things. He says sorry after and promises not to do it anymore, but always does. He doesn’t think it’s a big deal, I guess that is partly my fault because I have been letting him treat me this way for 5 years. 

I don’t want to live the rest of my life like this. I want him to realize how wrong what he is doing is. I think one of the reasons he keeps doing it is because he knows that when he is ready to be nice again, I will forgive him no matter how bad what he says is. But I don’t want to anymore. It is soo hard, because by the time he is ready to be nice, I just don’t want to feel sad anymore, and I just want the tension and conflict to end, so I just let it go. But this has been going on for 5 years and no matter how sorry he is when we are friends again, he always does it again when he gets mad. 

So.. well I’m not even sure why I’m posting this. I just have nobody to talk to in real life about this. And I guess I just need help to help me not let him get away with it this time. I want to get a seperation, but I have absolutely nowhere to go and no money, and he refuses to admit we have problems so he would never leave or let me leave. I feel so trapped. What can I do??

[josybear]

it sounds like you already know what you need to do, and want support. believe me, the fine women here will support you 100% if you decide to take the plunge. it's really hard, especially with little ones, but every one of the women who have escaped abusive situations like the one you're describing are glad they left.

:hug

[Super~Single~Mama]

You haven't been "letting" him treat you like that - this is not your fault. 

josybear is right, the women here will support you, and I hope that you are successful in finding some peace in your life.

[Snapdragon]

Hugs to you and good for you for taking this first step in posting here and asking for help. that is a good first step! I don't have any concrete suggestions- just a few thoughts that popped into my head after reading your post.

First, figure out with yourself what you really want in terms of staying with him or leaving. Get really clear with yourself. Frame it in a way in your mind of- if you had your ideal version of how things go from here, would it be that you work it out with him and he starts treating you better, or would it be that you leave him? You say you want to separate so I guess you probably do-, so I am just suggesting that you first do all can to get as clear as you can with yourself about if you actually want ot leave if you are able to make it happen. just because it is easier to figure out how to make things happen when you are clear about what you want.

Secondly, since you say you have 3 kids and no money and nowhere to go, obviously it will be a challenge and not something you can jump into without planning. So I suggest starting to gather any in real life support that you can, quietly and on your own- before taking the leap. such as- find any friends or family that you can (if you can) who you can really trust to help and support you, and let them know you want to leave and will need help. If there really is no one, then perhaps you can find some groups that exist to helpsituations like this. I know that is vague as I don't know any, but I imagine some MDC people can link you to some. I guess I am just suggesting to try to find any support that you possibly can before making your move.,

Sorry those aren't too helpful of suggestions- but that is what I thought about- build up any strength and outside support you can. I wish you the best of luck and hope you find support and help to leave if that is what you want ot do, and look forward to hearing of your success with this as you report back! Good luck. And keep asking for help- even asking here can start to give you some of the emotional support you need. You do not deserve to be treated badly. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness!

[MissLotus]

I'm so glad you're taking this step for yourself and for your kids.  They don't need to grow up hearing their mother degraded.  He has no say in whether you leave or not - there is no "letting".  I first would schedule a consultation with a lawyer that does Family Law (do not tell your husband about it at this point!), because that will help to clarify what your financial situation would be if you divorce.  You do not have to retain their services or make any decisions - you simply ask questions about what you can do.  They can tell you how to proceed if your husband is obstinate about separation and "won't" move out. 

Believe me, many women in your situation - with young kids, no job, no money of their own, in vulnerable situations, no family support - have gotten out.  I'm not saying it's easy, but it's a heck of a lot easier living under the thumb of someone who's so disrespectful to you.  You DO have choices!

[mothering1]

Thnx.

Well the only reason I want to separate is because I don't know what else to do to get through to him and make him realize it's not OK to fight like this all the time. So my ideal version of how I want things to be is to stay with him and have him treat me better... I don't know if that can happen unless I leave for a while at least so he can realize what he has been doing. But I don't think he will. Any suggestions on how I can get him to see how wrong this is? I do still love him very much, and when he is not mad we get along really well and he makes me really happy, and I can't even picture fighting with him again. That's another reason I haven't been letting this be a big deal because I know we can be happy together. Sometimes when he is saying horrible things I try to ignore it and tell myself that he is just angry and doesn't mean it so that I can make myself not get so upset and yell back and cause a huge fight. I just want a normal happy marraige, where we both respect eachother. But so far every year I consider leaving him. My kids are going to be old enough soon to remember things and I don't want to fight in front of them, and have memories of this. I just don't know how to make it stop, I really have no idea. 

Edited by mothering1 - 2/18/11 at 4:00pm

[MissLotus]

ps - I meant to clarify that regardless of what your husband "refuses" to do, you don't have to stay married to him and he WILL have to pay child support and perhaps maintenance (alimony) and as you are married, you are entitled to half of the family's financial assets.  So do not let that fear be the thing that keeps you from leaving. 

[provocativa]

if you have enough posts under your other user name, please consider joining the surviving abuse forum.  those mamas are great at helping formulate an escape plan.  i left a similar, but worse, situation last year.  What kind of plan really depends on your financial situation.  You will likely get more support during the temporary period than later when divorce is finalized, at least I did.  So that makes leaving a bit easier.  My xh doesn't make much money, but during the temp period he still had to pay the mortgage and all the bills, even the car insurance, because I was a sahm and it was best for the kids to stay in the house (and maybe because my lawyer was good at negotiating).  It didn't matter that it didn't leave him enough to live on (he had to stay with relatives).  I stayed with my mom for a couple weeks while he hemmed and hawed about where to stay.  Food stamps covered our food and all I had to come up with was gasoline.  So, if you talk to your lawyer, and file right after the mortgage or rent is paid, then you have the rest of the month for the mediation and support to kick in.  Some things you can do in the mean time:  buy extra stuff that you will need- I bought extra toilet paper and dishwasher soap/rinse aid, and laundry detergent- stuff that food stamps wouldn't cover.  You can also pay some bills ahead of time, particularly the ones you think won't get covered in the separation agreement.  You can buy gift cards everywhere you shop, on top of what you buy, and save them for the lean months.  Then there is just one charge on your bank statement for 125 at Kroger for groceries, but in reality 35 of it is a gift card you hide for later.  You can also do cash back and stash it.  It really is not fair to hide marital assets in a divorce, but abuse negates this 'fairness doctrine' imo.  You need to document his abuse.  This is essential.  Recordings are best (i got a phone that records hour increments),  I also got a voice recorder, but it was too hard to work on the spur of the moment when he would fly off the handle.  You also need to create a police- type log- date, time, what he said.  Please understand that he is NOT going to change, without YEARS of counseling.  You can probably get him to agree to anger management counseling as part of the separation agreement, since he should be in a contrite or honeymoon period just then, if he follows the typical pattern in the cycle of abuse.  If he is abusive in front of the kids (whether or not to them), or drinks, he may not get to be alone with them until he completes the anger management course and / or alcohol counseling- your lawyer can negotiate for that too.  The anger management counseling and alcohol classes aren't curing my husband, but he can control his temper a little better.