How do I get them to stop

[jen&james]

I have 2 boys and a new baby girl. My oldest DS is almost 6 and my 2nd DS is almost 3.  I homeschool my oldest and so we are tog. all day.  The boys are constantly wrestling and it usually turns into someone crying usually it's my oldest on becasue he knows he isn't supposed to hit, punch, kick or push and he controls himself most of the time.  The younger one is constantly throwing things at him, or will just walk up and hit him with something or will just jump on him.  I feel like I am mediating all the time and can't get anything done because they are at it again. I am exhausted at the end of the day and frustrated.  They fight all the time and it is usually instigated by DS2 and I just don't know how to stop it.  I usually tell him he will have to go in his room until he can control himself better because I need to keep DS1 safe.  We don't do a real time out.  I usually ask him to go to his room and then go in and talk to him about how hitting DS1 is not OK and he need to use his words if he is frustrated or angry.  I then try to give him some things he might say to get his message across and then tell him that when he feels like he can control his body better he can rejoin us.  He usually chooses to come out with us but sometimes he will stay in there and play for a while first.  I just don't know how to get him to stop hurting his brother and I feel so bad for DS1 because he knows not to hit and will just call for me.  He has sort of become the victim and starts to over exagerate even small things now. Anyone have any suggestions or ideas to try to stop the agressive behavior? 

[SpottedFoxx]

Give them an outlet before it starts.  If they are getting aggressive with each other, they obviously need to let off some steam.  Figure out when it's happening.  What are the warning signs? 

When you start to see them gearing up it's time for....  a race - who can do the bear walk (hands & feet on the floor, tush in the air) or crab walk (same in reverse) or who can do the most jumping jacks or push ups in a minute or (if the kids aren't too old) a rousing round of the hokie pokie.

If one of them is jazzed up and the other isn't, make him into a sandwich.  have him sit behind you on the sofa and give him a big squish or use a pillow to smush him up.

[Llyra]

My kids are all close in age (6, 4, and 4), and we have these issues too-- them getting way too active and rowdy and physical, and somebody getting hurt, and also deliberately aggressive behavior. I've found I can keep a lid on it in a few ways:
1. giving them plenty of time to play actively, outdoors when possible, or at least indoors in large, safe spaces where they can really let loose and move their bodies. Especially in mud season, when going outdoors is such a pain in the neck, I tend to neglect active play, and I pay the price in noisy, rowdy kids. Kids this age need to be active, and if we don't make LOTS of time for it, they can drive us and each other nuts.

2. arranging for them to have time apart from one another. Not punitive "timeouts," that's not what I mean. I'm talking about the opportunity to spend time away from one another, in a planned way. So on a Saturday morning, I might ask DH to take two of them to the library, so one can stay home and play alone with me. Then in the afternoons after DH gets home, I'll ask him to take one or the other outside for a walk. Stuff like that. This one has been a challenge for us, but it really does help so much. I think they really get on each other's nerves, and once they've had a few hours away from each other, they're a lot less likely to resort to hurting one another. And frankly, I think that calling a halt, and sending them to separate rooms to play awhile, is not punitive. It's wisdom! I do that too-- DD2 in the bedroom, DS in the great room, DD1 in the family room, for a half hour here and there throughout the day. So I would say that what you're doing currently-- intervening and separating them-- sounds like a good strategy.

3. trying really hard not to appear to take one child or the other's side, continually. Even if that one child IS in the wrong. I think it leads to resentment and creates a situation where we as the parents are constantly stuck in the middle of conflicts-- as they get older, they can start to use this in manipulative ways. So my strategy is to be impartial-- if a roughhousing match breaks out, and turns into aggression, rather than just sending the aggressor out of the situation, I recommend a separation for both kids. "This isn't working. I think we need some time apart. DD, you go upstairs to your room, and DS, you can go in the family room. Let's do that for fifteen minutes, and then if you want to come back and play together we can try that."

4. involving the kids in problem-solving about the issue, and talking a LOT about how each person in the situation is feeling, and how each one's actions affect everybody else's feelings. Kids need a lot of talk to develop that empathy, and three years old is prime time for that. We often have "Family meetings" after an incident, to talk about what happened, and how everybody felt about it, and how we can avoid it in the future. It takes a zillion bazillion repetitions before it starts to stick, but I've learned that it really does work.

Good luck! This is my biggest challenge right now, too. So I feel your pain.

[pianojazzgirl]

3. trying really hard not to appear to take one child or the other's side, continually. Even if that one child IS in the wrong. I think it leads to resentment and creates a situation where we as the parents are constantly stuck in the middle of conflicts-- as they get older, they can start to use this in manipulative ways. So my strategy is to be impartial-- if a roughhousing match breaks out, and turns into aggression, rather than just sending the aggressor out of the situation, I recommend a separation for both kids. "This isn't working. I think we need some time apart. DD, you go upstairs to your room, and DS, you can go in the family room. Let's do that for fifteen minutes, and then if you want to come back and play together we can try that."

That is great advice, and something I sometimes forget in the heat of the moment. Thanks for the reminder mama!