28 Months - Just Rough

[lifeguard]

Ds has always just been quite rough. We've gone through periods of him pinching & biting (when he was quite young & it was almost always directed at me). We've worked on being GENTLE with the dogs & cats for months & months. It seems like each time we get over something this crops up somewhere else.

Currently he is hitting & kicking & now, pushing. It's directed at myself & the animals mostly but it is starting towards other children. The big point is that it is generally NOT because he is emotional or frustrated or angry (those times I find easier to understand & deal with). It's like he just likes doing it.

We've tried doing time outs but he seems to enjoy the time outs. We've loooooonged modelled apologizing & giving hugs when someone gets hurt but now he just kicks & then comes in for a "hug!" like it's a game - I've stopped accepting the hug 'cause I think now he thinks it's ok to do the aggressive action as long as he hugs afterward. We've taken books out of the library on the subject (hands are not for hitting, etc.).

I'm becoming more stressed about now that it is progressing to other children. I don't want to have to stop going to activities but if he can't keep his hands to himself I may have to start limiting his interaction until he can learn this lesson.

I know it is typical behaviour for this age but I would really appreciate some fresh ideas on how to approach this.

I have a blow up boxing toy (you know with the weight in the bottom so it bounces back up when it's hit) that I am going to inflate tonight & introduce tomorrow as an appropriate thing to hit & kick.

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by lifeguard 

know it is typical behaviour for this age but I would really appreciate some fresh ideas on how to approach this.

I have a blow up boxing toy (you know with the weight in the bottom so it bounces back up when it's hit) that I am going to inflate tonight & introduce tomorrow as an appropriate thing to hit & kick.

This approach can backfire - I'd be careful. At that age I'd really just reinforce 'no hitting'. I think teaching him to box would be a really bad idea.

I just had a zero tolerance policy with my kids. You hit, we leave. The first few times I'd give one warning but once they really got it it was a one shot deal. They learned pretty quickly that their rooms weren't that much fun alone and leaving a playdate/outing wasn't worth the thrill they got out of hitting!

[Lilygoose]

It sounds like he gets a lot of attention for this behavior (mostly b/c this is one of those behaviors that is kinda hard to just ignore).  I would see if taking a more low key/less attention approach might help.  My DD (who is only 2.5) is aggressive in her interactions and we have tried various things at different times with her.  Something that has worked well for us more recently is to do what we need to protect everyone, give 1 very even tone statement that we don't do that, and walk away.  So if we are at home and my daughter hits me, I will avoid eye contact, say "we don't hit," sternly but without raising my voice, and walk away from her.  If we are out somewhere, the same thing, but instead of walking away we either go into another room for a few minutes, where I engage with her as little as possible (this is hard)  I will sit with her on my lap, but do not talk to her, or we leave completely-we don't talk about it further-we've been there and she knows that hitting is not nice, hurts others, etc-I don't need to review that with her.  After the event we go on about her day and as long as that stops it we have a good time.  If it escalates, becomes an aggressive tantrum, etc. we have to take a more involved role to keep everyone safe, but in giving the issue less attention we've actually had far fewer outbursts.

[lifeguard]

I understand the concept of zero tolerance but I can't see it working with him. Unfortunately he is not just hitting when we're out  it is ALL THE TIME. He obviously needs a physical outlet.

I like the idea of making less of a big deal about it & will have to think on that more. It's been going on so long (months & months at home - it's just recent that it's also towards other children) that I feel we've already tried that route but he is older now so maybe going back there will work.

Today actually went MUCH better & we were around other children almost all day. It's exhausting for me though 'cause he doesn't do it on a trigger (because it's really not a retaliation or frustration thing) so it's impossible to anticipate.

One day at a time.

[meemee]

dd was a very physical high energy child. 

if she did not get the chance to run around and spend her energy, have a variety of stimulation and horsing around her behaviour would suffer.

since it was physically hard for me to horse around with her - she got permission to do a lot of physical stuff around the house only if she followed certain safety guidelines. things like climbing on teh dining table, leaping off furnitures into my arms, jumping on the bed. 

so for dd (even today at 8) bad behaviour is not THE problem but a symptom. 

[peachespoe]

Hugs to you!!

We have been having the same issue with our active 28 month old daughter. I could have written your post word for word. For a while we had the no tolerance policy of an immediate time out/leave the situation, etc., but it really didn't seem to make things better, if anything it was getting worse. Lately, I have been hovering more than usual when she is around other children, especially if they are new to her and/or younger. When I sense she is about to hit or push, I immediatley give her other words to use like "I'm playing with this toy", and/or remind her to "be gentle," or "the toys are for everyone to play with," or whatever the situation warrents. Just today we were at an exercise/playgroup , I could tell she was annoyed that some kids where hanging around her so I told her that if she doesn't want to be around the kids, that she can move over to another spot by herself. It totally worked, she got up and moved over to a corner, and then she did it a few more times on her own later. (For whatever reason, she has personal space issues, but now that I recoginize it I can help her with alternative ways to behave.)

After giving her words/actions to use, if she then continues to hit/push then I take her away for a time-out/break. If she starts to have a tantrum, I know it is time to leave. I always try to remain calm, but firm. I really think giving her specific words to say is helping. She seems to be hitting A LOT less in the past few weeks. We also heap on the praise if she successfully uses words instead of aggression. We recently went to a play date and she wasn't aggressive at all and shared really well. When we got home I surprised her with a little gift (I happened to have hidden in our gift box), and told her how proud I was that she played so well with so and so.

Now she is using her words more, but saying "go away!" to the children and we are trying to figure out how to change that behavior, LOL. How do you say "go away" nicely, without sounding mean?