So Ashamed - What Should I Have Done?

[Lamashtu]

I'm so upset right now my hands are shaking but I have to post this because I feel so ashamed and guilty and I need get it on screen so I can get it out of my head.

DD and I are visiting my family and I decided to take Leda to the play area at the local mall.  While she was running around and playing with other toddlers, I saw a woman openly breastfeeding her infant.  The baby was pretty active so the cloth she had in place kept sllipping and she eventually left it off.  Didn't phase me; I'm very pro-breastfeeding plus I live in a very, very breastfeeding-friendly area.  Unfortunately, my hometown isn't as friendly to nursing moms.

This poor woman was the recipient of several "dirty looks" from passers by, the clerk at the cookie cart and even some of the other moms!  I made eye contact with her and smiled because I wanted her to know that I thought what she was doing was great and I considered calling DD over to nurse her so I could show solidarity.

But then a group of three high school age girls who were sitting near this mother decided to open their mouths. They weren't talking TO the mother, but ABOUT her.  One said that she was "gross" and "disgusting" doing that in public.  Another made disparaging remarks about the way her breasts look.  I also heard snickers and references to...know what?  I can't even type out that one because it was about the most disgusting thing I've ever heard in my life. 

I KNOW I should have said something to the girls or gone up to the mother but know what I did?  Absolutely nothing.  I just sat there looking everywhere but at this poor woman while these latter day Mean Girls tore into her.  After about five minutes, the woman unlatched the baby, quickly packed up and left.  As she walked past me, I saw that she was trying very hard not to cry.

I hate that this happened and I hate that I LET it happen.  Right now, I'm just mad at the world; including myself.

[Dr.Worm]

I'm really sorry you feel bad but you DID do something...you smiled at her.  I know you feel bad that you didn't say something but a lot of us have had those moments.  A few months ago I was in line at a store and a little kid was having a tantrum...the dad was saying to the kid "we gotta get you home for a nap" and they left.  The cashier turns to me and said "That kid needs a good swat not a nap."  I am against spanking and that was my chance to say something to her but I didn't.  I was so mad at myself for letting that woman think I agreed with her crap.  Those girls are the ones that should feel bad, not you.  It is sickening and also very sad that they would have the nerve to be so mean to another human, let alone a nursing mother.  You are a good person or you wouldn't be here posting. I bet those girls dont even feel guilty.

[weliveintheforest]

I'm sorry you witnessed that.  It is so hard to know what to do in such uncomfortable situations.  I don't think there is anything you 'should' have done, but maybe if you are in that situation again you can be ready to step in if you feel like its appropriate.  I don't know if I would have spoken to the girls, but I probably would have tried to sit by the mother and show her some support.  Maybe now that I've thought about it thanks to your post, I will have the guts to tell the rude people that they are being rude!

[annettemarie]

I am so sorry! I'm going to move this out to the main forum so more people see it.

[averlee]

There have been many times when I've frozen instead of doing or saying something. I am glad you posted this up because it has made me think about what I can do.

I always try to make eye contact and smile at nursing moms, and I make an effort to make a positive comment, like "that's so great you're nursing your baby, I'm so glad to see that". Sometimes I'm stricken with shyness and I say something like "pretty baby" or "it's cold today." 

I'm thinking that if I ever see a fellow nursing mother being stink-eyed and bullied, like that mama in the mall, I will try to intervene. I will try to get my guts up and approach the mom and say something like "I just can not believe people! They have absolutely no class around here. I like your sneakers. Mind if I sit down?" 

[PatioGardener]

next time this - or something like this - happens you will have the words and the strength to say something. we rarely get it right the first time, Mama, because we're human!

Great idea to post here. I hope to read some ideas from others so I will know what I can say when I'm in this situation.

[AtYourCervices]

I would have been tempted to have my 4 y/o latch on. Now THAT would make people talk (my DD's the size of the average 6 y/o).   Honestly, though, depending on how open the woman seemed, I might have struck up a conversation with her. That way, she's distracted from others' comments and stares, and people walking by wouldn't feel as free to openly show their displeasure.

[lunarlady]

I think it is years of dealing with high school and middle school mean girls, but i wish I was there to march up to those girls and tell them to watch their mouths or to leave. I've been known to do it when kids are cursing in public, and I can only hope that I would be able to do it in defense if breastfeeding. Of course, my family is usually mortified by my chronic inability to mind my own business, so there is a down side to my correcting other people's teens in public.

That said, it is rare to find someone outside of the teaching profession, or at least who works with teens, who can step up and speak out in the type of situation you describe. It takes a combination of courage, a disregard for social norms, and a lack of concern for your personal safety to confront a group of misbehaving teens. Hopefully the mom will shake it off and you will be able to forgive yourself for your very normal reaction.

[PixieLittle]

Originally Posted by weliveintheforest 

now that I've thought about it thanks to your post, I will have the guts to tell the rude people that they are being rude!

Yes this. I would totally be flustered in the heat of the moment, but now if it ever happens I can remember you guys and do something. After having the luxury of time to mull this over I'd be one to go sit with the nursing mother to show support - I'm too much of a wuss for confrontation but now I have a plan thanks to the OP!