Anything wrong with me not wanting to play "mommy dies"?

[seashells]

All the fairy tales seem to have dead mothers, and DD has had enough exposure to Disney (sigh) that she has noticed the "dead mother" storyline. I don't like playing pretend at all but sometimes she manages to rope me into it. A couple of times she announced the storyline involving a mother dying, and I've said I didn't want to play that. DD said very reasonably, "mom, that's life." (She's 5).

Words fail me. Absolutely, it's life. I've been pretty matter-of-fact with her on the topic of death. She asks us every time we pass a graveyard what it is, I don't think because she doesn't know by now but she just likes to hear the explanation. I tell her that when people die, their families bury their bodies underground in the graveyard, because they are done with their bodies. And that they mark the place they are buried with a stone that says their names, and that family sometimes comes back to visit and remember the person. I've even mentioned that they turn into skeletons. I've discussed killing animals for food, and we've looked at and discussed chicken organs in detail. I'm not squeamish.

Is it so bad that I don't want to play "mommy dies"? The couple of times it's come up, DD didn't just drop it but pushed HARD for me to play the storyline, so it became somewhat of an issue. I dug in my heels, and wondered if I was wrong to.

[MeepyCat]

I think you have every right to refuse to participate in pretend play where you die, or where anything else happens that makes you uncomfortable. 

It's life that people die, and it's very sad.  It is *not* life that we can make other people play games that make them unhappy.  You have the right to refuse to participate, and your DD should know that she also has the right to refuse to take part in things that make her uncomfortable.

[aprons_and_acorns]

I totally agree with the PP, and it sounds like you have done a really good job of talking about death in an age-appropriate way with your DD. 

Just a thought, have you discussed with her the plan for what would happen if her parents did die? Who she would live with and other details like that.  A lot of the Disney-type stories show a long string of hardships after the death of the mother, and I noticed with my own son that it gave him a great deal of relief to know that if his parents did die, he would go directly into another loving family (aunt/uncle/cousins) and that he would have a good deal of money waiting for him to take care of his needs as he grew up.  As fantastical as kids are, they can also be so practical when it comes to matters of survival. Knowing what the plan was gave him a chance to let go of the anxiety he had around the topic of death (which often came up during play).  Just a thought, YMMV of course! I think grappling with the concept of death seems to be a whole-life process that starts around the preschool years.

[seashells]

Hmm, I haven't discussed that with her (where she would go if we both died). I'll mention that the next time we go in that general direction.

If she's anything like I was as a kid, she's not worried, though. She just wanted to play a certain way, and she's like that. She likes to decide, and she doesn't back down easily (that wasn't me as a kid at all, I just meant I wasn't worried about death or anything). I was just thinking to myself, maybe I was wrong to make such a big deal, but on the other hand, it was not really about the topic but just her general personality (she's a director, and it didn't matter what it was about, if I refused to play a unicorn it would have been the same deal). I guess it just made me question my position on it, but a PP is right, I have a right not to want to play everything.

DD is NOT sensitive. That's why I've told her about skeletons and stuff. She's actually seen chickens being butchered - no sweat. It amazes me sometimes, how she is. She's not scared of monsters. I'm not sure if her own status as a mortal has occurred to her yet (though I've brushed on that by telling her that everything living will die sooner or later).

Anyway, thanks - typing this out just made me think about the fact that the head-butting had nothing to do with the appropriateness of my declining this play, but just the sheer fact that I had declined anything she had asked, lol.

[seashells]

Oh, and you're right that it's a whole-life process. You're absolutely right. I see all around me people in different places in the process. I've gotten to an entirely new level than I was at when I was in my 20s, teens, childhood. I see my parents are on a different level, and my grandpa is on a very different level (he's looking at death as a fairly imminent thing; he''s in his late 80's and had several mild and moderate strokes that have left him with some impairment). Anyway, it's like this quiet subtext of our lives, perhaps the main thing we have to learn about. How to live, how to die.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by seashells 

 I've said I didn't want to play that. DD said very reasonably, "mom, that's life." (She's 5).

....Is it so bad that I don't want to play "mommy dies"? The couple of times it's come up, DD didn't just drop it but pushed HARD for me to play the storyline, so it became somewhat of an issue. I dug in my heels, and wondered if I was wrong to.

I think you did the right thing by setting a boundary for your DD and sticking with it. The exact issue around death isn't as important to me as the fact that you let her know where your limit was. You are teaching her to set boundaries with other people, and to accept other people setting boundaries with her.

Saying "yes" to a child constantly really doesn't help them learn how to have healthy interactation. I do try to say "yes" with my kids as much as possible, but those times when they answer needs to be "no" really are learning experiences for them. It really is OK to say 'no."  Don't you want her to grow up knowing that she can say "no"?

[seashells]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 


 Don't you want her to grow up knowing that she can say "no"?

Hahaha... of course... I'm just laughing because DD has zero problem with this concept.

It's OTHER PEOPLE saying no to her that she's not so solid on :)

It's like raising my own mother. Some day my daughter will be one of the mothers (or MILs) you read about here on MDC, being all pushy and in your business and such. It's all gotta be her way :)

I have no problem in myself saying no to her, it just doesn't go over that well. I say no anyway. I was just kind of distracted by a red herring on this topic I guess.

[chiefmir]

My DD went through this phase at about 4.5 years old-- it totally threw me for a loop!  The idea of me dying and leaving my kids is so physically painful (I know it is for all of us) that I can barely even consider the idea.  BUT, I tried to see how my DD's desire/request to act out this scenario during play was HER way, as a young child, of dealing with a topic that is too big and horrible for even me, the adult, to contemplate.  (full disclosure, I'm a psycholgist and also a playful parenting advocate).  I tried to strike a compromise between her apparent need to work through this issue in the only way a child sometimes can (play) and my need to spend as little time as possible actually contemplating the idea of me dying and leaving my kids.  So, we DID, play "Mommy dies", but I helped orchestrate the game in a way that was SO over-the-top that it was really, really silly and nonthreatening (to me and hopefully to her).  We played the "game" like 5 times in a row- until she decided we were done- but really only did this 2-3 times over the course of a week before she seemed to be done with the topic and moved onto something else.  The "mommy dies" game looked something like this (with variations depending on where we were- like basement, playroom, bedroom- and what props were around).  Her:  Mommy, you're dead.  Me: hhmmmm. no, I don't think so.  I'm not in the mood to be dead.  Her: well, you have to!  Me: you can't make me.  You're not the boss of being dead! Na-na-na-na-na.  Her: you have to be dead right NOW or there will be no TV and no dessert for a week, missy! Me: OK, well then I'll die.  but I don't have to like it.  (followed by a long, drawn out ridiculous death scene where I announced that I was drowning in chocolate icecream-horrors, being licked to death by kittens, being forced to eat pizza and french fries until I exploded, etc.)  After much drama on my part, and much laughing on my part, she'd allow me to "be alive again" and we'd go through the entire things again.... with other ways of me being a crazy ham (maybe listing all the reasons I couldn't die yet-- like I had library books that were due and I'd never gone to the circus naked).  I probably sound like a crazy mom! But it worked for us 

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by seashells 

It's OTHER PEOPLE saying no to her that she's not so solid on :)

It's like raising my own mother. Some day my daughter will be one of the mothers (or MILs) you read about here on MDC, being all pushy and in your business and such. It's all gotta be her way :)

This is a great opportunity to work on that. She doesn't have to turn out pushy, even though she is slightly stuck there right now. The more you believe that this is just her personality, the more she will stay stuck there. Try seeing it as a phase that you are helping her through.