does it matter who gets a lawyer first? (Michigan)

[mamatoady]

Hi.  I heard that it makes a big difference who hires a lawyer first.  Michigan is a "no-fault" state so I'm not sure that is accurate.

I kind of wanted to try and go it alone and then if his parents got him a lawyer then I would as well.  Any ideas? 

[Super~Single~Mama]

I would get a lawyer.  It's hard to do it yourself, especially since you're emotionally invested in the outcome (and a lawyer is much better able to be objective and talk you through the process).  Unless you are both REALLY amicable, you should at least start looking for a lawyer.  Interviewing and asking questions doesn't mean you're bound to hiring them - but knowing who you want to hire if you need to hire someone is really important.  You really don't want to be trying to find a lawyer last minute.

[orangecanoe]

I think it is worth the investment to pay for a consult to go over all the details that would need to be agreed upon. You may still be able to wait out retaining a lawyer, but it will serve you better to have your ducks in a row. With custody issues involved I don't see how 'going it alone' is a wise thing.

[rubelin]

We found that, while we could do it without a lawyer, the system is designed to be worked by lawyers and there's all sorts of pitfalls in the filing process that can mess you up and need to start over. So, even if there's nothing to be worked out, it still helps a ton to have someone who can make sure you're filing everything correctly.

[bananabee]

Hiring a lawyer is worth the peace of mind of having a professional look out for your best interests, even if you end up paying it off forever. It will help keep emotions out, and help keep your STBX in line.

[secondimpression]

I agree with everyone else. I started pro-se and it was so incredibly overwhelming, I had absolutely NO IDEA what I was doing and didn't have the time to be going to the courthouse/legal library to figure it out every time a piece of paper was filed. Plenty of people do successfully represent themselves though, even with no legal knowledge so I'm not trying to say it can't be done! If you *do* decide to go pro-se (you can always hire a lawyer later on), check with your county courthouse, they should have a free family law pro-se program or will be able to point you to an organization that can help. This is not the same as pro-bono legal counsel, pro-se programs typically just help you with making sure you filled out your paperwork and are filing the right forms.

And I have to very strongly second everyone who said to get a consult. And get more than one! They're usually free and will be able to give you an accurate answer about your initial question about who gets a lawyer/files first. Also for pro-se, it can be extremely helpful to have started a relationship with a lawyer if you run into any difficulty with your case and just need to pay for an hour or two of legal counsel.

[NolaRiordan]

Are you asking about fling first, or you've already filed? The person who files first has to pay the filing fee, which I believe is $150 here in Michigan. My lawyer told me there is a bit of a strategic advantage to being the one who files first, but IMHO it's not that big a deal.

We started the divorce on our own, and ended up both getting lawyers. I agree with the PP who said it is very time consuming to do it yourself. And honestly the system is just not set up for people to do it themselves. Also I really felt like there were so many things I would not have had a clue about if I didn't have my lawyer to guide me through it. I felt SO much better knowing I had someone in my corner who knew what they were doing.

I do know some people who have done it themselves with the assistance of this book which is available in most public libraries:

http://www.amazon.com/Michigan-Divorce-Book-Uncontested-Attorney/dp/0936343117/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1298037157&sr=8-3

[mamatoady]

Thank you everyone for the advice. I went to the courthouse and although was sent on a wild goose chase for paperwork, I got filed. I filled out a paper to have my fee waived. Given I've been a homemaker for 9 years and stbx is unemployed I am sure it'll be waived...if not my family's got my back. I have to wait until wed morning to find out if the judge signed the papers and then I can have him served. I am trying to decide when and how to tell him. I don't want the server to be the one because we are still in the same house with 3 kids and they don't need to see dad flip out. any advice on all that appreciated. Sarah

[NolaRiordan]

Congrats on taking that big first step. Are you planning on moving out, or hoping that he will? You can file for sole use of the property if you want him out and he refuses to leave.

I do think it's best to warn him that he will be served. I told my then stbx that I wanted to have lunch with him and told him there that I had filed and he would be served in the next few days. I thought it best that I do it in a public place since I was worried about his reaction. If you are at all nervous about what he will do make sure you tell him in a public place or have other people around when you tell him.

Are you also going to file for interim support? Is he getting unemployment or does he have any kind of income?

[mamatoady]

Wouldn't unemployment be nice? No, unfortunately, stbx was fired for failing his random drug test (truck driver btw), so we got no unemployment. I will take thoughts on this. I was thinking about writing him a letter. My thoughts were that I would stay up late after him one night and pack a bag for the kids and myself and put them in the car and then in the early morning before he woke up throw the kids in the car and go to my aunts. We have one car (that belongs to my step-dad) and a cell phone. I figured I'd leave him the cell phone and he has internet access here at the house. He can call his parents when he's ready and call me when he needs to....also that way I can call him and talk to him after he's calmed down. The problem with meeting in a public place is that we do only have one car and he has no friends here. So, I would have to drive him home after we talked at the coffee shop or wherever. Also, in leaving a letter I can make myself very clear that I am NOT trying to take the kids away from him and I do want them to have a relationship with him. I think he wouldn't even let me get to that as soon as I tell him what is happening. Sarah

[bananabee]

The way things happened with my situation, I found it would have been better not to tell him I was filing until I had him served. This is because once you've filed and the court processes it, you're both typically under a restraining order that stops either of you from selling property or running off with the kids. My STBX asked me if I had filed before he got served, and I told him yes. This sent him into a tailspin that ended with me calling the police two nights in a row because he was doing crazy things that were scaring me. He later told me he had thought about running off with DD while I was in the bathroom (thankfully, I sensed that and didn't give him the chance). Once he got served, he calmed down a bit because he was under a legal order. At least, he didn't try to do anything absolutely crazy. Your STBX isn't employed, so there isn't much to stop him from taking your kids and leaving town if he found a way to do it. Be careful. The fear that you might take the kids is the very thing that might drive him to do that himself if he panics.

[NolaRiordan]

Is your plan to move with the kids to your aunt's house? Or you're just going there temporarily? Which address did you give when you filed for divorce? My understanding is that the address you give when you file establishes the kids residence.