Damage Control - update #8

[simplemama32]

*edited for privacy

Edited by simplemama32 - 2/22/11 at 4:00pm

[simplemama32]

Sorry, I thought of one more question.  If your child becomes very upset prior to visitation, how do you react?  My instinct is to hold DS and help him calm down, but his dad is waiting for him and wanting to leave.  I can see where it may be better to have a brief goodbye.

[maeby]

i know its the opposite of what is usually done but instead of doing "whoever wants the child comes to get the child" my ex and i often do it the other way around for this reason. so i take ds to his house and he brings him home. it works well because whenever i come to pick ds up in the evening he is cranky, hungry and tired and does not want to leave so my evening is miserable. if he is dropped off i can have dinner cooking and ds is already home so there is nothing to convince him to do. same as leaving our house, ds always wanted daddy to play with his toys at our house and they would end up here all morning. so if i take ds to dads house it is no different then when i drop him off for daycare. or we sometimes exchange at my work or the library (but this hard because ex and i can get quite chatty and its not really a good venue for that). 

another thing that helped was that ds gets picked up from daycare by daddy. there is quite honestly a pecking order of sorts. it goes mommy, daddy, grandma, babysitter so getting ds to go from mommy to daddy is much harder then going from babysitter to daddy, if you know what i mean! 

and i think just be honest with your son. "just because daddy doesn't live with us anymore doesn't mean i don't like him. i like daddy and i hope that you do too. i want you to love him and have fun with him!"
 

[provocativa]

Just FYI, such behavior is also a warning sign of sexual abuse, and sexual abusers often hide behind religious settings, using the setting and trust there as a cover.  Also sexual predators also are more likely to be rigidly religious.  Age is no boundary- our family's abuser was 72.  Also, many older people are just plain harsh with kids.  To your ds, grandma may in fact be mean, though she may perceive it as firmness. 

[simplemama32]

Originally Posted by provocativa 

Just FYI, such behavior is also a warning sign of sexual abuse, and sexual abusers often hide behind religious settings, using the setting and trust there as a cover.  Also sexual predators also are more likely to be rigidly religious.  Age is no boundary- our family's abuser was 72.  Also, many older people are just plain harsh with kids.  To your ds, grandma may in fact be mean, though she may perceive it as firmness. 

Since you brought that up, I'm wondering how on earth to tell the difference between possible SA, divorce issues, and general age-appropriate separation anxiety?  DS has also picked up a couple worrisome phrases lately, one supposedly from another little boy at STBX's church (I would go into more detail if this was the private forum, but not here), but it is so hard to be extra watchful from a distance.  And to determine whether I'm being too cautious or not cautious enough. 

[StephandOwen]

If you even suspect something may be happening I would strongly suggest you get him to a therapist who works with young children who have been abused. They would be better able to handle it and get some info out of him without leading him to say anything that isn't true.

[simplemama32]

Thanks, Steph.  I've already made an appointment with a local therapist to discuss the situation.  I'm afraid I'm blowing the whole situation way out of proportion, but I'm more afraid if I'm not.

[simplemama32]

I've already edited the OP for privacy, but I still wanted to update...  Yesterday, I met with a local counselor who also does play therapy with children.  She was very reassuring that most of our situation sounded pretty normal, but she wanted me to touch base with her about once a month for awhile to see how things go.  She was able to help me brainstorm how to help DS transition from one house to another more calmly, so I'm going to try the ideas we came up with and go from there.