Pregnancy, relatively new relationship, lots of anxiety

[Chaika]

I hope this is OK to post in this forum.

I am 4 months pregnant and my boyfriend (the baby's father) and I have been together for about 6 months.  We have been living separately, about an hour and a half's drive from each other.  I am going to move in with him in about a month.  Lately, some issues have come up related to living together and how we handle different situations.  We each have a cat.  He lets his cat outdoors sometimes while mine has been an indoor cat all her life.  Originally, he said he would try to keep his cat indoors, but this week for some reason he has completely changed his mind about that.  He's been really dramatic about it, telling me he thinks indoor cats must be unhappy and their lives are not worth living.  I suggested we build an enclosure for the cats so they can play outdoors but not roam free, initially he seemed to like that idea but now he keeps sending me emails asking how I can claim to care about animals (I'm a vegan) and not give my cat "freedom." 

Then he told me (and this, I think, is the real issue behind the cat issue) that he's worried I'll be an overprotective parent.  I don't know what to say...I feel like I don't know yet exactly what kind of parent I will be. 

Anyway, I have struggled with anxiety issues in the past and can usually keep it under control through relaxation techniques, meditation, yoga, exercise, etc.  But this arguing seems to be triggering my anxiety and I don't know what to do.  There are just so many huge changes in my life right now, it seems overwhelming. 

My boyfriend comes from a family that argues a lot.  He has told me that it doesn't bother him and he feels very close to his family.  He has said that my relationship with my mother and sisters strikes him as "formal" because we are always trying to consider each other's boundaries. 

I think some of the issues are cultural.  He is Russian and Jewish and grew up in the former USSR and moved to the US when he was 18 or so.  He has said that he thinks Americans can be over-protective and indulgent with their pets and kids.  I was raised by hippies, essentially.

Anyway, if anyone has any advice as to how to improve our communication and keep my anxiety under control, I would really appreciate it.  I'm worried that the anxiety is not healthy for my baby.

[Ravenlunatic]

Well I think you are right that the anxiety may not be good for the baby.  Also, this type of arguing and anxiety won't be good for the baby after their birth.  Sooo, I really can't give you great advice without first know far more details about why you are choosing to move in together now...(which I am not asking you to divulge, just that so many more things are to be considered.)

For examnple, how old you both are, what your current living situation is and why you made the choice to live with one another now.  Where is your family located and where is his family located?  How long have you 'known' him total.  Are you guys planning marriage?

I ask all these questions because really, once the baby comes your worlds will be upside down and this situation could become extremely stressful very quickly. 

I think you guys should form a protocall for dealing with parenting decisions.  Like have a nuetral party help with decision making and communication.  Or have a discussion about listening (and hearing) each others ideas and concerns and waiting a time (24 hours) before you reverse it (hear the others ideas or reasons why they don't like your ideas). 

And from experience I can tell you that you WILL be over protective.  You will be filled with mothering hormones that will make you overprotective and there is a reason for that.  It will be YOUR sole responsibility to keep the baby alive and content for many years.  His part will be to keep you alive and content... I know this is an oversimplification of the situation and I also know that there are men who done breast milk and feed the baby regularly, or simply take half the feedings with formula because the mom has to go back to work etc.... but other than some small basic things it seems to me that most women become the main influence and care taker of the baby.  He needs to know not to argue with you over some things in the begining and to just 'trust' nature and actually you too.

You guys are on a big road and definetely need to know how to talk to each other and be respectful.  There are many years to work out parenting issues.  Remember that you are both human and bound to make mistakes....

[Chaika]

Thanks for your response.  I told him the arguing was stressing me out, and his response was basically that I should know that he loves me and arguing is just a way of resolving issues.  I appreciated his intent to make me feel better about it, but I still think there are better ways of discussing and resolving things!  So we agreed we will work on finding calmer solutions.  I like your idea of the 24 hour wait time.