Discouraged about cosleeping

[emsparrow]

My dh and i def liked cosleeping, but now our dd is almost 4mo and she's gone back to waking every 3 hours to nurse, as she did when she was a newborn. We thought it was a growth spurt, but it's gone on for a couple of weeks now. When she does get to sleep, she's often restless and startles and throws her legs into the air sometimes, so she sleeps, but we don't. She sleeps better when only one of us is in the bed and the other is on the couch, but I'm not sure I feel good about having that arrangement. I tried her in a cosleeper, but she was more restless than normal. I don't do well on little sleep - I'm just not as good a mama or a wife. What to do? My CIO friends' babies all sleep through the night, and while I hate CIO, I must admit I wonder if we're doing the healthiest thing for our baby by letting her sleep so restlessly (and I'm a little envious... and it's hard to advocate for cosleeping when they're all getting good nights' sleep and I'm struggling with a wakeful baby). I never liked the idea of even books like No Cry Sleep Solution, but I'm starting to wonder if I should be doing certain things to help. Here's what we do do:

she nurses ever 2-3 hours during the day, we have a bedtime routine with singing, prayers, rocking and sometimes nursing (depending on last nurse), and it's about the same time every night, she doesn't nap consistent amounts, but I don't expect her to at this age - she does nap about 4 hours a day. We try the shushing and patting, but she doesn't usu. go back to sleep without nursing.

Please help! I'm so discouraged.

[LittleBirdy]

Oh I could have written this post a few months ago... hugs mama.

There is a nasty sleep regression at 4 months that can last for weeks and weeks and weeks.  So that might be part of it.  It may just pass in a few more weeks on it's own.  For us, the 4 month sleep regression seems to be sticking around (he'll be 7 months next week).  But that is not the case for everyone.

I don't think there is any problem with your bed time routine or with naps or anything like that, I think it's just how babies are at this age!  I too was very resistant to having DH move out of the bedroom, and I too considered CIO since it seemed to be working soooo well for others.  The conclusion I came to was that having DH sleep in a different spot wasn't so bad after all.  We all get better sleep and I am a lot nicer to DH when I am rested, so he's happier too!  So we bought a "big boy bed" (double bed) for the nursery and that's where DH sleeps and me and DS sleep in the queen.

As for the CIO thing, I don't think the restlessness has anything to do with you not letting her CIO.  If you did full blown sleep training I bet you'd find she is still restless, she just doesn't cry out for you anymore.  So you are not doing her a disservice by not CIO.

I know this was a really tough stage for me as a mom.  I was tired and cranky and I wanted my husband back in bed and I wanted the baby to sleep 7 hour stretches like he used to.  Finally I just accepted it and stopped worrying about it and life was a lot easier!  My baby wakes up with a big smile on his face every morning - I mean he just grins from ear to ear - so I must be doing something right, huh?

[peacelove&camping]

thye become a lot more aware of their surroundings at this age, too, which may be what kicks off the 'regression'. have you tried her own bed in her own room? if she sleeps better with only one of you, it may be because as her awareness is changing, she needs more room or to not be conscious of other people in the room. also, be sure to always nurse her as part of her bedtime routine, even if she last fed an hour ago, top her off--a full tummy of the 'perfect food' helps babies to sleep so much more soundly :)

four hours during the day may not be enough for her age. i'd say try extending or adding naps, depending on what she's actually getting; check out ncss or another sleep book, even ferber's, for the charts of how many and how long naps should be approximately. you'd be surprised how much nighttime sleep is affected by naps, and if they're not getting enough napping during the day they sleep poorly at night almost always. good luck!

[emsparrow]

littlebirdy - thank you so much for the encouragement! I think acceptance is half the work of parenting, but it's perhaps the hardest sometimes. It's just nice to know that other people are in the same boat.

peacelove - we are actually in a tiny one bedroom apt., so we can't even try the separate room thing! I tried her in the cosleeper, but she was more restless even than in bed with us. We're going to try having my dh out on the couch tonight. Hopefully it's just a very temporary solution until we move or she gets a bit older. Question, though - how do you extend or add naps? She generally gets tired around 10-11 and 2-3 and lately sleeps only about 1.5 hours both those times, if that, then might nap again around 5-6 for a short bit. I've just begun trying a nap routine, but often I use her naptime to run errands or visit people, with her in the carrier. It works okay, but she's more aware now, as you said, and doesn't always sleep any deeper/longer that way. But I don't know how to keep her asleep longer or get her to sleep more.

[peacelove&camping]

having her naps somewhere than a carrier is a big part of it, although i know it's hard to let go of that freedom! :) but she needs deep daytime sleep in order to sleep at night. try in her cosleeper for naps instead, and make sure her nursings are before naps [did i say that already?], so she's full and comforted. all the usual stuff--dim room, white noise, etc. 1.5 hours should be okay, if she's getting two plus a catnap. somewhere between 3 and 6 months she should be going from about 5-6 to 3-4 hours duing the day, so she might be okay with that. when is her bedtime? 6 might be a little late to be getting up from a nap. and what time does she get up? try moving all the naps a smidge earlier, and see if that helps. you'd be surprised at what overtired can look like--i thought my dd must be 'low sleep needs' for months, because she never complained about not napping and never showed sleepy cues that i could pick up. once i figured her out a little better, and she gets consistent day and night sleep, she sleeps *more* than most kids her age!

[sosurreal09]

Peace I really wish you would stop trying to encourage people to have their LOs stop sleeping with them(putting them in a crib), especially in another room before they are even a year old. I have noticed you saying this a lot to people and the purpose of this forum is to ENCOURAGE co-sleeping and the family bed even through the hard times and help find solutions for the family.                 

OP: I think this is completely normal babies go through regressions all the time, no matter where they sleep. It will happen quite a few more times unfortunately! Try and remember they don't need milk every time they wake (unless it is a growth spurt or if they are going a few hours between wakings) try and use other methods to comfort as well. Also unlatching them as they are falling asleep can help so they are not dependent on the boob to sleep, they actually fall asleep on their own but with you there KWIM?

For naps we ended up just putting our mattress on the floor and nursing her and staying until she fell asleep and then would leave. No matter what I did though naps did not improve until around 9 m/o. At a year old she started taking one 2hr nap a day. She has low sleep needs.

Good luck mama!

[AdinaL]

If cosleeping is working for you, then don't change that. :)  Honestly, I think a lot of it is the age. THey are still so tiny, and learning so fast, growing so quickly.  I found that I reminded myself a lot that I could wait this phase out.  And it turns out, I did.  For my DD - who nursed every two hours round the clock (sometimes more frequently) until she was over 2, her phases lasted a couple of weeks, and then it would be something totally different. They change so fast at this age.  You aren't doing anything wrong.  It is not developmentally normal to sleep through the night at 4 months old.  Also, if your child is going through a growth or developmental spurt, they may need extra nutrition. 

My DD napped in a carrier for a long time, as I went back to work - with her in tow - from when she was 3 month until she was 2. Work was between 11 and 4, so you bet she napped in the carrier!  All the time!  Sometimes that was the only way I could get her to nap.  If it works, it is a tool you can use.  

We coslept, and still do now that she is 4.  She simply isn't ready to move out. 

I am going to disagree with the recommendation of Ferber.  Honestly - his methods make me ill, and his charts never applied to my kid.  Some kids need less sleep.  Period.  Some need more.  Some adults need less than others. It is just a matter of finding what works for your child and how to best implement it.

I probably did everything "wrong" but I did what worked for my kiddo, and met her needs while meeting my own. I napped when she did, I handed her off to dad sometimes, and I nursed her to sleep until she was over 3.  She's a super smart kiddo, who sleeps really well now at 4 years old.  

You know your kiddo the best of anyone, so trust your instincts.  Don't be afraid to try something new if the routine isn't working, and know that phases pass and in two weeks it will be all different. If cosleeping is something you enjoy, then keep on doing it.  If CIO makes you uncomfortable, there is a reason for that.  You know your baby. 

[Jayden'sMom]

There are sleep regressions that babies go through at different times during their development. I found really good information about sleep regressions on the Askmoxie blog, as well as a really good review of the book The Wonder Weeks. My first son went through a really bad sleep regression at 9 months, and I had no idea why he suddenly started sleeping so poorly until I read up on sleep regressions and how the mental developmental milestones that babies go through really affect their sleep and nursing habits. They also tend to get fussier. FWIF, I found the best thing to do was whatever it took for each of us in the family to get the most sleep. My son and I slept in the bed, and DH slept on the couch. Not the most romantic arrangement, but we all go better sleep, and I was able to be a better wife and mother. Oh, and DS slept latched on for most of this time. Not the most fun, but it was the only way he'd sleep. Now, he's almost 3 1/2, he sleeps in his own room, and goes to sleep by himself. He will still occasionally wake up in the middle of the night when he is going through another developmental milestone, but those only happen every few months, and I only have to go into his room in the middle of the night occasionally. Good luck, and this will eventually pass.

[peacelove&camping]

oh sorry, i wasn't recommending ferber! jesus, he's awful, no way :) i said 'even ferber's' meaning, just grab any sleep book at the library or something, to take a look at the charts and get an idea of normal ranges. obviously not every kid will fall within the ranges, but his charts are about the same as everybody else's, and it would give the op a place to start with recommended times. that's all :)
 

Originally Posted by AdinaL 

I am going to disagree with the recommendation of Ferber.  Honestly - his methods make me ill, and his charts never applied to my kid.  Some kids need less sleep.  Period.  Some need more.  Some adults need less than others. It is just a matter of finding what works for your child and how to best implement it 

[emsparrow]

Thanks everyone! so so much. I'm feeling a lot better. Just had to remind myself that sleeping through the night isn't necessary at this age, or even developmentally best, and tweak a few things so that we can sleep better b/w the wakings. I don't mind them if I can just sleep well b/w them. Here's what I learned for her (in case anyone's interested) - 

Nights: having dh sleep in a different room didn't work, so we tried her in the cosleeper. But then she started having a really hard time getting to sleep, which has never been a problem, and she woke up in the middle of the night ready to be awake. She has started teething, which is part of it I think, but I also think she's just not ready to be moved away from us, even that much, and she communicated that through being weird about going to sleep. So she's between me and the cosleeper, which means we all sleep better, and both she and dh are still with me (yay!). I started putting her to bed a little earlier, which seems to work, and patting/shushing before offering a feed throughout the night. Swaddling too - that was helpful for the wiggling. I remembered, too, that she's been a fast grower, so it may just be that her body needs those extra wakings. We're also going to add a teething tea into the bedtime routine to help us both feel calm.   

Naps: turns out if she can fall asleep in the carrier during a quiet walk outdoors, then she will sleep happily for 3 hours (or more... but I try to gently wake her up after 3). Beautiful. So I'm just arranging my days so that we're out when she needs to nap (and then I get exercise, time outdoors, and time to talk with friends on walks or on the phone - lovely). Then I can nap with her for an hour or so at another time of day.

Thank you again - I think I mostly needed reassuring that this all takes time, and that it's okay not to "train" her but follow her lead with gentle tweakings if needed (never thought I'd need reassurance for that, but it's amazing what a few rough nights can do).

[sosurreal09]

Sounds like you are doing a GREAT job mama! I am so glad you have found some alternatives that worked better for you. I think not offering milk for every single waking can be pretty key and this is a mistake I made with DD by nursing her every waking from the start. I wish I had taken to time to soothe her other ways when she was younger, she may be STTN now haha

I think a lot of it is developmental definately. I mean I know some people who claim their babies STTN at 3m/o and maybe they did I also know many babies that still wake up at 15 m/o 20 m/o 2 y/o ect...and some of them were sleep trained and what not. I don't buy any of that sleep training stuff personally. I think temperment of the child counts the most, followed by development, and then there are other factors too.

The important thing is to respect your child and yourself, find a happy medium and just try your best to do what you need to.