Ideas for dealing with frustration as a new mom?

[bebestar7]

My son is 5 weeks old, I am doing this on my own and the lack of sleep has been tough, by 1am I find myself so frustrated sometimes I want to scream.  My perfect sweet baby will not let me put him down for more than two-five minutes at a time, and while I love holding him, sometimes I just need a minute to do something, anything.  I use a wrap for much of the day, but I am noticing that when he wakes up in the wrap he wakes up extremely upset, screaming, which is unusual for him.  He is not a screamer.  I guess that is a separate issue.

 I'm just interested in hearing if any of you have tactics you use to reduce frustration.  I've used the snake breath and that seems to help a bit.  I don't want to take my frustration out on my little angel.  

[elluin]

Hugs! Do you have someone who could hold your baby while you take a break to nap or maybe take a nice hot shower? Perhaps a mother's helper or postpartum doula if you don't have local friends or family that are available to help.

The early months can be really exhausting; I can't imagine not having a little help available. I hope you find the support you're needing.

[whozeyermamma]

Zoloft.

Seriously. Well, I also had pretty awful PPD. So maybe that applies or not.

Get someone else to hold him. Anyone. Call any friend/relative/co-worker/UPS man who has ever said, "Oh, if you ever need something with the baby ..." and say "I need something for the baby."

Put him down anyway. No, you don't want to let a teeny one cry for a long time, but if it's the difference between you taking a shower for a week or not- then do it. He'll be ok. Try to put him down every now and then when he's super calm and happy, just-fed, whatever - see if he's happy for a while ... On one hand, I don't buy the whole "you have to put him down" sometime argument ... BUT there is a tiny grain of truth to it.

Be kind to yourself. Hang in there. Post again.

... gotta go ... baby's up ....

[avocadogreen]

I've been there and know what you are going through. My son is just about 9 months now and was super high needs the first 12 or so weeks. Agreed that getting support is crucial, it helps you and baby because he'll get used to being with other people. In the moment though, I would try to use the mental exercises I practiced for in preparation for childbirth. Like non-resistance and things like that. Also when I found myself starting to direct the anger at the baby I would stop and think about what he is going through. Lastly, ours was a terrible sleeper until we started to really swaddle him up. Not sure if that would help, or if you are already doing it, but it's worth a shot. Especially if he likes the wrap with you. Hang in there!

[OurLittleNest]

Come up with a mantra to repeat to yourself. Mine was: "This is only temporary. This isn't forever." Because it felt like forever at the time, but when you think of your life as this long time span, mothering a newborn is only a tiny stretch of it. It doesn't feel like it at the time but it might help if you see an end in sight. Another thing I repeat to myself during high stress -- "I am the picture of calm." That's the opposite of what I am when I say it but helps me redirect.

[mra]

Do you have a swing? I was against getting one but my hubby convinced me to order one. Julia takes long morning naps in it. The key is putting her in it while she is awake and happy. If I wait until she starts to fuss, forget it. I second trying to swaddle your LO. Where does your LO sleep at night? Perhaps try cosleeping if you don't already. You may get more sleep since your LO likes to be with you. I don't get frustrated often, but when I do it helps to remind myself how scary and new this world can be for a baby. My LO also REALLY starts to cry when she wakes up fully when in the Moby. I've learned to tell when she is about to wake up and I get her unwrapped before she starts to cry.

[P.J.]

  I agree with the previous idea to find anyone...friends, family, a kind neighbor, to come and help you if possible. If you don't know anyone who could help, and this doesn't improve, you can even hire a babysitter. I know that's not very AP-friendly with such a young baby, but if it gets really bad I think the alternative~ having an angry mama~ is worse. We started with in-home childcare 2 mornings a week when DS was 6 months old, not because I had to go back to work, but because I needed more breaks and I was getting to that frustrated point too often. It has really helped a lot.

I so know what you mean. I still get frustrated, I think it happens at all ages (my son is 8 months now). The difference is I am so much better now at not expressing my anger and frustration around and towards him. I will admit, I have yelled at him on more than one occasion when he was just getting on my last nerve for hours on end and I was alone with no help. In fact, he's just getting over an illness and we've had a rough week~ he was soooo whiny and needy I could not do any housework or cooking this week at all. Anyway, there were a couple times this week when I had to leave him in one room and go into the other room and scream into a pillow. Yes, he was crying when I left him, which normally I would never ever leave him to cry. But IME to let him cry for 30 seconds alone is better than what I would've done otherwise: yell at him. And he was crying whether or not I was there. After the pillow screaming, I had a bit more space for him and could then lovingly be with him. It does wonders for me in those S.O.S. moments. I also use snake breath when I can't get away for a second (like during a diaper change or something).

I have also learned over these months to observe my own emotions, and I am better able to see when I am getting frustrated or angry and just notice it: oh look, I'm getting angry now. Sometimes that helps me detach from it and I can move on and not feel the need to express it. It becomes less powerful and sometimes when I observe it, it even dissipates altogether and I can change my mood. I can see that I don't want to go in that direction and change it. Listening to and reading the work of Naomi Aldort, who uses The Work of Byron Katie, has really helped me with this. http://theworkforparents.com/ Another great help has been The Daily Groove, which was originally a book but now also daily emails from Scott Noelle http://www.enjoyparenting.com/get-your-daily-groove

Anyway, I think it's important to approach parental frustration from two angles: the outer, which is what can I do to lessen these situations and prevent them from happening? and the inner: How can I change my inner landscape so that I have more space and do not get to this point, no matter what my child is doing?. A combination of these two things has really helped me deal with the inevitable frustration and anger.

Good luck mama, it does get easier with practice!

[lkvosu]

Oh my, mama I feel your pain! Ds is now 4 months and is still pretty high needs but nothing like he was for those first 8 weeks. I always told myself "this too shall pass" and it helped...sometimes. Often it was just so frustrating that even my best attempts at positive thinking failed. Another thing that helped, and still helps, is to focus on one hour (or 5 minutes!) at a time. If tried to tackle the whole day I'd feel overwhelmed, but somehow if I only had to worry about the next few minutes I felt more in control. 

And I *totally* understand what its like to have a baby who refuses to be anywhere but snuggled in your arms. People would advise me to "put him down once he's totally asleep" or "such and such type of swing will work"...uhhh...no...none of that works with super high needs babies.  At least not for mine.  He had to be held ALWAYS or he would cry.  It's so, so hard at first, but it does get easier.  It seems like a lifetime away right now, I know, but I promise things will improve and you'll remember these trying weeks fondly.  Hang in there!!

[dovey]

My babies have always hated being put down in bouncy chairs and being swaddled.  They also hated wearing diapers.  I think it makes them feel too constricted.  Maybe your baby is having issues around that too if he's getting upset in the wrap.

One thing that my newest one really liked (and still does - he's 4 months now), is being set down naked on a towel covered pad in front of the woodstove or heater or in the sunlight - somewhere warm.  He likes this best if someone is there talking to him and playing with him, but he'll stay happy like that for a few minutes when I need to do something away from him too. 

[aphel]

Originally Posted by OurLittleNest 

Come up with a mantra to repeat to yourself. Mine was: "This is only temporary. This isn't forever."

This!

I swear, every time I think I am about to break, and I can't possibly go on, something gives. Really. You baby is changing so fast, whatever the problem is, chances are it won't be a problem soon.

In the meantime, do what you have to do. Babysitter, slings, swings, whatever.

Just today, 7 mo DD was screaming her head off, refusing to nap for the umpteenth time this week (and she needed to, bags under her eyes, poor thing), and I just kept saying "This too shall pass. This too shall pass. I'm gonna fix this, I'm gonna fix this." And eventually, she fell asleep. And then the next nap was easier. And tomorrow it will be a little easier, until she's napping normally again.

Hang in there!

[lkvosu]

Originally Posted by aphel 

I swear, every time I think I am about to break, and I can't possibly go on, something gives. Really. You baby is changing so fast, whatever the problem is, chances are it won't be a problem soon.

I find this to be true again and again! 

 

[bebestar7]

thank you all so much for the thoughtful replies, i don't have time right now to write a proper reply but wanted to let y'all know it is appreciated!  things have been slightly better as far as sleeping at night goes so patience level is a bit better...  we have co-slept since birth, usually with him on my chest as these days that is the only way that he will sleep for any length of time.

[PatchChild]

Getting out during the day helped me soooo much. Lots of people to tell me how cute DS was, lots of people smiling, lots of different things to look at. At home, ear plugs. There were times when DS just needed to cry and I just couldn't cope. At least with ear plugs, the volume of the sound didn't send me over the edge.

[whozeyermamma]

Was thinking of this post the other night when DS was up crying every hour for some reason.

Two other things came to me:

Think of something to look forward to in those dark moments - maybe - "I'm going to eat a donut later today," or "Tomorrow I'm going to buy a new book," ANYTHING that makes you feel happy and you can look forward to.

Another thing I've always found helpful is the rule of 5. Will this matter in Five minutes? Five hours? Five days? Five weeks? Five months? Five years? I find myself thinking about whatever is making me nuts at the moment and imagine how I will feel about it in all those time frames. Something may be driving me to the brink, but five hours from now I'll feel a little better, five days it will be slightly annoying, five weeks - I'll be able to laugh about it.

Finally - the advice about "this too shall pass" - having a mantra - is amazing. Very good. And also that something breaks before you do. VERY true!

Good luck!

[scrandall1173]

I agree that it would be great if you can find some help. I admire that you are doing this on your own. It's always annoyed me when people have told me to find friends or family to help-- b/c if they were available, they would already be helping. A few things I did with my second child was realize that I'm not very good at asking for help-- I literally begged people to help us this time-- as our first baby was like yours and would always want to be held. (turned out to be caused in part by silent reflux). We also hired a post partum doula and just paid for it with credit cards-- which I had not been using. But my sanity is worth a little debt that I can pay back when my babe is older. also hired a cheaper sitter to come one morning a week.

Hang in there, and remember it really does get better week by week