I can't stop my 4yr old ds from hitting!!

[kdescalzi]

Mamas,

I am at my wits end. I do not know where to turn for advice or help with my problem. My 4 yr old hits all the time. He will hit or physically lash out at me, his sister, and his friends....usually out of anger or frustration. BUT he also just walks by me and smacks me. It doesn't seem to be aggressive at those moments but still completely unacceptable. It's as if he has no control over his limbs...he just walks by and hits you. Even playing around on the floor, or at the pool he always scratches and grabs at my face.

I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. I feel like I can no longer hang out with my closest friends because their kids are always getting hurt. Please tell me what to do!!!

[kdescalzi]

How can this be?? Why can't anybody help me? Am I all alone in this??

[SundayCrepes]

When my son was 3, he was VERY aggressive to his little sister. To the point that I talked with the pediatrician and asked if he could cause shaken baby syndrome.

I talked to someone at the local parenting education group. Her response was, you won't believe this, to ignore it. The idea being that he was seeking attention and would get it however he could. If I started ignoring the behavior he would seek other (positive) ways to get attention.

Now, I couldn't let him just attack the baby. What I started doing was very calmly walking over, picking her up, and softly and calmly telling him, "When you are ready to play gentle, let me know." I would then calmly leave the room with the baby. There was a HUGE reduction in attacks after that.

However, this didn't eliminate ALL the problems, it just made it less. We got involved with counseling. Some of the things that helped that she suggested were to sit down on the floor with both kids and play with them at least 15 minutes a day. The point being to role model how to get along. I remember one time we were playing with a wooden train. She destroyed the track. He was ready to lash out. I laughed and said, "She's a tornado. Look what the tornado did."

The other thing the counselor had me do was to have 15 minutes of just him and I together time. My husband would take the baby and he and I would go for a walk, or whatever.

All of this helped a lot, but there were still some mild attacks. I realized that I was trying so hard to be gentle that I wasn't giving clear boundaries. So when he attacked her I started calmly picking him up and carrying him into the bathroom. I would sit there with him until he calmed down and could tell me he would be gentle with her. He would kick me, head butt me, etc. and I acted like nothing was happening. When he finally calmed down and said he'd be gentle, we left the bathroom. This finally stopped all attacks. I know it sounds a bit counter to everything else. Somehow it all just worked.

He is now 5 and she is 2.5. We share a bed. Often when we wake up, he tells her, "I love you." He is so gentle with her and bends over backwards to help her and protect her. He is no longer the horrid monster he was. (I used to wake up in the morning wondering how I would get through the day. I'd think, "I used to love him and now he's the enemy. What happened?")