Please share your perspective--am I out of line?

[GranoLLLy-girl]

I am at the grocery store tonight and I come out with all of my groceries, and there is my ex with my two kids in the back of his jeep.  The jeep has no top on it, and both kids are in the back without carseats.  They are older--one is 7 and one is 8----BUT the 7 year old weighs 40 pounds and the 8 year old weighs 43 pounds.  My ex is only 5 feet tall--and so am I--so we are all petite as far as people go.  Well, he's short for a man, whereas I am short, but that's not too unusual for a woman...anyway...
I have them in Britax 5 points in my van--and they are always in car seats.  The law here is getting ready to go to 80 pounds.

The thing that upset me the most is that there was no car top on the car.  They are SO tiny that they could have been thown easily from the jeep in a car accident.

I tried not to make it too obvious, but I told him not to go anywhere else but to drop them off at home as soon as they were done with dinner.  He said he was taking them for ice cream and started to leave, but I must have had a look on my face--because the next thing I knew they were pulling into my driveway and my daughter said she wanted to come home because she didn't want to make me upset---which is not what I wanted to hear.  I am trying to support his relationship with the kids--but he's SOOOOOOO reckless with them--and it scares me.

[NolaRiordan]

Honestly, I would not have said anything in front of the kids. I think judging by your daughter's reaction she was upset by what you said. I understand being freaked out by seeing that situation. But they were buckled up right? And they were just driving around town. So I know it was not ideal and was not a choice you would make, but I don't think they were in grave danger. Is your X a really reckless driver with the kids in the car? If I were you I likely would have said hello to the children and kept it at that. And then perhaps said something to your X after the fact.

[arniflora]

This is one of those "gray area" situations... technically he may not have been doing anything "wrong" - I don't know what the law in your state is regarding weight and carseats, but the safety of your children should always be #1 priority.

True, nothing happened.  And thank god for that.  Accidents aren't something we expect to happen.  They happen when we would never expect them to happen.  That's why there are laws about age/height/weight for car seats, seatbelt laws, etc., etc..

He needs to get proper carseat(s) or at the very least, booster seats for his jeep (or any vehicle that the children ride in) ASAP. If it is realistic for him to use the one(s) from your car, then let him do that if you feel comfortable.

As for your children seeing your reaction and your daughter's reaction to it, all you need to do is explain that you wanted to make sure they were safe and that you and their daddy are working together to make sure they are safe and happy.  Then work with him to do just that. 

Best of luck,

A

[cheer mom]

I'd provide him with car seats that you want him to use. But as far as the roof off--you can't complain. He is their parent too.  Now, off topic, and I'm asking respectfully, do your children have metabolic issues. Those weights and ages, well, the kids aren't even near the growth charts. Like not even near 5%.

[AttunedMama]

Does he know how you feel about car seats?

If so, is this a passive-aggressive thing on his part?

[mbhf]

Originally Posted by cheer mom 

I'd provide him with car seats that you want him to use. But as far as the roof off--you can't complain. He is their parent too.  Now, off topic, and I'm asking respectfully, do your children have metabolic issues. Those weights and ages, well, the kids aren't even near the growth charts. Like not even near 5%.

forum crashing.. their weights are actually around the fifth percentile for their ages. And considering the height of their parents I would assume they are also pretty short for their ages. FWIW, my almost 8yo weighs the same as the OPs 8yo.

[GranoLLLy-girl]

It probably is passive-aggressive on his part.  As for their height/weight--they are healthy (my dd has health issues that have affected her feeding/growth over the years, but ds is just tiny like his dad).

You are right, I probably should not have reacted that way.  But I think the bottom line for me is that ex is nice and then mean--passive aggressive and then flat out aggressive--both.

He's been really mad at me for saying something in front of the kids--but he KNEW that he was taking them Friday (he could have used his van--it has two Britax seats for them) and he KNEW that the top was off his jeep.

We live in a resort area and the traffic is terrible--he's already been in one accident with dd in the car.  She was in the van--in a car seat.  That was less than a year ago.  He is a little reckless behind the wheel--and he will talk on the phone (and does not have bluetooth/hands free).

I know for a fact that he does not respect me.  And I think he does stuff like that to push my buttons.  So as soon as this happened--he got really nasty and cut off my phone service that we share(d).  I had to scramble around to get a new phone and service (Verizon).  We were going to stay with our old service and split the cost of the monthly charge because we were on a contract.

It's stuff like that that is just mean and spiteful.  That stuff he does just to be cruel.  And then he wonders why I am not available to put the kids on the phone---uh....what phone??????!!!!!

It is legal--what he did---but I know it was not safe.  He's so arrogant.  Gosh, I am glad to be rid of him--even though I originally begged him to stay.  Thank goodness he did me a favor! LOL!

[Goodmom2008]

I don't too particularly  care for convertibles with kids in the car.  I don't consider them safe.  But they are legal and while your state may be going to 80 pounds, it's not there yet. 

As much as you don't like it, there's nothing you can do about there being no top on the vehicle he is driving the kids in.  And as long as the kids are 40 pounds or more there's not much you can do about forcing him to use a booster seat.  Once that law passes, you may be able to do something.  But it would probably require you following him around to get proof that he is ignoring the law. 

[GranoLLLy-girl]

LOL--I can see it now--following him around with my trusty old camera and my finger on speed dial to the police--they'd appreciate that, I'm sure.  LOL

I was so devastated when my ex left--now I'm just as giddy as a school girl.

Then again--he's giddy too, since he's WITH a school girl!  LOL!!

[NolaRiordan]

Originally Posted by GranoLLLy-girl 

I know for a fact that he does not respect me.  And I think he does stuff like that to push my buttons. 

And the more you let him see that he is successful in pushing your buttons the more likely he is to keep doing it. It's a tough lesson to learn.

[StephandOwen]

I would have reacted the same way, or worse, than you DS is 7 and still in a 5pt harness 99% of the time. If ex had him in any car, convertible or not, with no carseat I would have FLIPPED out. Is that the right thing to do? Probably not. But I'm being honest, I wouldn't be able to hold back.

Fortunately I don't really have to worry about it as ex is too lazy anyway and hasn't taken ds in his car since he was 2. On his first b-day ex switched the carseat in his car forward facing and there wasn't a darn thing I could do but bite my tongue really really hard.