Told I should wean toddler for custody eval- help!

[babygrey]

Briefly, 

I'm nursing my 22mo toddler. Going through a nasty divorce. STBX's counsel has asked for a formal custody evaluation. My lawyer has advised me that it might reflect poorly on me if I am still nursing my toddler. She's very sympathetic to my position, but that doesn't change the fact that the custody evaluator may not be. 

I told my lawyer i would gather as much info supporting extended nursing that may be beneficial to me, should I choose to continue nursing. 

I've already passed on the AAP's and the WHO's position papers on extended nursing, as well as kellymom's fantastic factsheet on toddler nursing. 

I'm wondering if anyone can help me with case law specifically- looking for family court cases where extended nursing has been an issue.

Also, if there are any other big name policies supporting ExBF, that would be helpful.

Or, any personal stories would be nice to hear.

Have already contacted my local LLL, but they're not super active on the legal front in my area.

[Viola]

Oh wow, I hope someone can give you the information you seek.  I'm not familiar enough with case law on this, but I'm sure someone will have some info.  Best wishes to you!

[PatioGardener]

this may help: http://www.aafp.org/online/en/home/policy/policies/b/breastfeedingpolicy.html

and

http://www.aafp.org/online/en/home/policy/policies/b/breastfeedingpositionpaper.html which includes this section: (citations removed for easier reading)

NURSING BEYOND INFANCY
As recommended by the WHO, breastfeeding should ideally continue beyond infancy, but this is not the cultural norm in the United States and requires ongoing support and encouragement. It has been estimated that a natural weaning age for humans is between two and seven years. Family physicians should be knowledgeable regarding the ongoing benefits to the child of extended breastfeeding, including continued immune protection, better social adjustment, and having a sustainable food source in times of emergency. The longer women breastfeed, the greater the decrease in their risk of breast cancer. Mothers who have immigrated from cultures in which breastfeeding beyond infancy is routine should be encouraged to continue this tradition. There is no evidence that extended breastfeeding is harmful to mother or child.

Edited by PatioGardener - 2/19/11 at 4:00pm

[kythe]

Your lawyer may be warning you because she has seen cases where extended breastfeeding has influenced custody. I think one thing you have in your favor is that your child is under two. I know there are no recommendations for an upper limit, but the younger your child is, the easier it is to defend bf.

Do you know that your ex intends to use this against you? Could you avoid the issue by saying you have weaned and then keeping it quiet?

I had a custody eval when dd was 4 years old and still nursing. The evaluator was asking questions about my involvement in parenting communities, to determine our level of social activity. I mentioned I had been in LLL. He made a face and asked when the last time I went to a meeting. It happened to be around the time she turned 1 yr old. He said something to the effect of, "Good, I hate to see people too influenced by such a shady organization".

He went on to explain that he once "had to" (his words) testify against a mother who was still bf'ing her 4 year old to ensure she lost custody to her ex. He pointed at my 4yr old and said, "she's such a well adjusted child, but can you imagine the problems adjusting that she would have if she was still nursing?" I decided not to mention that she WAS still nursing. He gave us a glowing report and my lawyer called him my "star witness".

I considered bringing up the breastfeeding issue with him afterward to point out the irony, but didn't. Custody is just not something you mess with, and I didn't want him to feel tricked and to make life harder on other women later. I just believe there is a time for lactivism, and a time to protect yourself and your children.

[minkajane]

Wow, Kythe, that's really sad (and scary!) that somebody would have the power to use something like breastfeeding against what may well have been a totally awesome mom in order to ensure she didn't get custody. One can only hope that EBF was not the sole reason he had to fight against her having custody!

What I find even sadder is that this cultural belief against EBF is so prevalent that people like that feel totally free to express their disgust and bias against it openly, confident that everyone around him/her feels the same way. And even more sad, it's usually true.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by kythe 

 I just believe there is a time for lactivism, and a time to protect yourself and your children.

Yup!!!  With a 22mo, I would consider saying something like, "She is almost completely weaned, and is eating mostly solid foods. The only time she nurses is at bedtime or when she wakes up in the morning.  I imagine she'll be weaned around her 2nd b-day, or shortly after."  Otherwise, I wouldn't say anything.  My custody evaluator actually stood up for me nursing, but my ds was only 15 or 16mo at the time of the eval, and he mentioned that it was normal and completely age appropriate (but ds was only nursing a little - morning, evening and for comfort - I was honest about it).

Don't lie, and the BIGGEST thing to remember in a custody eval is to be honest.  You aren't a perfect parent - no one is.  You also weren't a perfect partner - no one is.  My ex pretended he was the most perfect man alive and didn't even admit to EVER raising his voice during our ENTIRE relationship - if there was a single thing that did him in, it was that.  Don't play up your imperfections, but certainly don't act like you don't have any.  That was the advice that was given to me before my eval, and I'm really glad I followed it.  If you have other questions, feel free to PM me.

ETA - you should cross post this on the single parenting board - lots of women there have been through custody battles and evals, but may not still be breastfeeding so might not see this.  I've always been able to get some great advice there.

[kythe]

I don't know if the mother did lose custody in that particular case, I only know that this psychiatrist wanted her to and testified against her. Nothing is this one-sided, there are always multiple issues facing each divorcing family.

Judges do not always go with the advice of a custody evaluator since they also take other evidence and testimony into consideration. But they do take custody evals seriously and it will carry weight as expert testimony.

It is not alway wise to stand up to an evaluator because you are not talking to someone who sees you as an equal. You don't have the same inherent rights with them as you do in choosing a physician who is open to your views, or as with your right to breastfeed in public. You are dealing with someone who is a part of a decision making process in determining what your rights as a parent are, in relation to the rights of the other parent. You want to look as "normal" to them as possible because what they believe can affect your children's future.