Wanting more children but overwhemed with the ones I've got!

[mom2lucy]

I'm hoping to get some insight/perspective from moms who've either had more than 2 kids, or who've decided that 1 or 2 is enough.  I'm an only child and have always wanted more than one child.  I thought 2 was perfect, but lately I've been thinking constantly about having another (DD1 is almost 3 and DD2 is 9 mo).  It's not something I'm interested in doing right away, since DD2 is so little, but I defintiely think about it all the time.

The only problem is that I feel totally overwhelmed with my kids!  We don't have any major issues or health problems or anything, but I generally feel stressed out by the demands of parenting 2 young children.  I think if I told my mom we were having another she would think I was insane based on my current stress level!

The other thing I think about is that 3 kids would defintely be more of a financial stress and we would clearly have to budget our money.  I only work part time so the money is flowing in, but we're doing OK right now.

So I guess I'm just wondering how you decided to have more and how that impacted your family, and also why you decided to stop at 2 and how that works for you.  Thank you so much!!

[littlehoneybee]

For me, I never wanted more than two.  I was one of three children and I hated it.  One child always seemed to be the odd man out.  With only two kids, my husband and I can each take one when we go out, we can each be in charge of getting one to bed, etc.  There are no fights over sitting next to the car window, because there are only two .  It's easier and cheaper to travel with only two kids because we can all fit in one hotel room.

More important than the above reasons, neither of my kids were good sleepers and I haven't had a decent night's sleep in over six years. I am exhausted and stressed all the time.   My second child is in the full throws of the terrible twos right now and I have a constant headache from hearing her scream every day at the drop of a hat.   My oldest child (six) is just now starting to be pleasant and fun to be around. My husband is in the military and has been gone four of the last seven years.  I have zero time for myself and my health has suffered.  I most definitely do not want any more children.

[Peony]

We are having 4, we have a 8, 4, and 22month old and I'm pg. 4 is it, I know my limit and that is certainly all I could handle. I did *ok* with 2, once DD2 got better, I guess. We've had  health issues and other special needs so I feel like I've never known what a normal child was like. Well, I take that back, DS was easy the first year, and then he ended up being delayed so I am paying for it now with a nonverbal little hellion who has minimal comprehension.  

I'm not the type that gets easily stressed, I usually take everything in stride. Going from 2 to 3 wasn't that bad when he was a baby and I just carried him everywhere but it got harder when he was mobile and I had 3 children going in 3 different directions. Having an older 1st child has been rough with the whole school thing and multiple other small children. I will say that with my personality, I've handled it far better then DH has. He did ok with 2 when there was a parent per child but 3 has literally sent him over the edge. I should say that I was interested in a #4 someday, he did not want another at all, we were seriously discussing it and then I discovered I was pg. He has not been thrilled about this one in the least. Each child has been more of a strain on us, they just need so much, somedays there isn't isn't an compassion left at the end of the day, or maybe that is something we only have problems with.... 

[transylvania_mom]

We decided to stop at two (ds is 6 and dd is 17 months). I would love to have more babies, especially now that I had a homebirth, I love giving birth and having little toddlers around. But I want to be able to have time and energy for my kids when they are older, too, not only to be busy with a little one. My 6 y/o ds is in several activities, I sometimes volunteer at his school and now that dd is older, I can leave her with someone else and go out with ds, to a concert or to skate. We also travel a lot and the more children you have, the more expensive it gets. I also want to be able to pay for (most of) their education.

So although I fully enjoy all the aspects of having a baby or a toddler (I'm sad I won't be nursing another little one after my dd weans, I won't give birth again or babywear again), I'm looking forward to see my kids grow and I want to have time (and money, and energy) to continue to be involved in their lives. For me, two is my limit.

[MelW]

Both my husband and I come from families of three, with two planned and an oops! third. Before we started our family, we usually talked about two or three. We are both certain that two is all for us, and have felt that way since we had our first (for a while even the decision to have a second was up for debate).

Yesterday we were out for what was supposed to be a fun family afternoon walk, but was a whining disaster from my 22 month old who wanted her mitts off, then had cold hands, then mitts on, then off etc. I looked at my husband and said "you know what will be great about this spring? Knowi that we'll never have to do winter with a young toddler again". I loved pregnancy, had great births, and loved a lot about cuddly babyhood. I'm not a great toddler mama, but four my groove again with my eldest when she hit her preschool years. And I can't wait to be able to play outside without always trying to keep someone out of the street, do art without endless patrolling to keep it off the walls, or go for a walk where someone understands that no mitts means cold hands . In short, I'm ready to move on to the next stage. And I also have directions in my career that I want to pursue as the kids are a bit older, I like the current size and dynamic with our family, and who we are feels "right" and complete now.

Another not unimportant factor in the decision is that both kids have had allergy issues as babies, and breastfeeding them has taken a major nutritional toll on me, at least in the first year or so. I've been pregnant, breastfeeding or both for six years straight, and am starting to look forward to eventually being done.

[limette]

I keep going back and forth. I wanted 4 but then had the third in August and am starting to feel like I'm losing my oldest (she's 5). Just when I get her siblings out of the needy baby stage, I have another to distract me. I just don't feel like it's fair to her.

But now I'm yearning for more. I think I'm going to wait for a couple of years before deciding, give it a longer gap this time.

[Linda on the move]

We left it an open issue for a long time -- meaning we were VERY careful with birth control but didn't take any actions to make our family size permanent. We have 2 kids and they are 19 months apart. After the second was born, we found out the first had some special needs. There were a few years in there that were CRAZY and we seriously couldn't have handled another one. But we knew that these kids would get bigger and easier, and we weren't sure how we would feel about it then. We waited until I was 43 to come to a solid decision that our family was complete.

You don't have to figure this out now. You don't have to figure it out for a long time.

[mom2lucy]

Thank you all so much for the replies!  Very good points to consider.  Linda, thank you for putting this in perspective for me that it doesn't need to be figured out now or really anytime soon.

Thanks again for taking the time to post, and I'm looking forward to hearing any more stories!

[MJB]

We weren't sure whether we wanted 2 or 3. Our first 2 are 3 years apart. We didn't even seriously discuss a third until my second was 3. By then, the kids (at 6 and 3, in school/preschool) seemed much easier and we decided we could do the baby thing one more time. My kids are now 8, 5, and 7 months and we are soooo glad we decided on a third. She's such a joy to all of us. My first two kids are in school so I get alone time with the baby from 8-3 Monday through Friday. She adores her big brothers and they love having a little sidekick-- she's often toted off to sit on their rug and watch them play Legos.

Seriously, unless you're at the end of your fertile years, there is no reason to worry about this now. Our family is perfect now and the age gap is really great. One day, not too far from now, you won't feel overwhelmed by your existing kids (who are SO LITTLE!) Decide then whether you want to be overwhelmed all over again. 

[Bellabaz]

Interesting thread. I am pretty much in the same boat. We have two and they are great. Dd2 has had some health issues, nothing major but still there. I am suspecting adrenal fatigue in myself so I need to address that. But I am still thinking  about a third. Our fam just doesn't feel complete. Dh needs time too to come around. But I know we have time to decide so I ma just l I just go with the flow for now.

[cappuccinosmom]

I guess I'll be the odd woman out.  I have three.  Love it.  Want many, many more.

When I had one, that was all I could handle.  Then I had two, and that was all I could handle.  Then three, and again, at the time I couldn't have handled five.  I grew into mothering more as more came along.  And IMO, it is the nature of having several kids close together at young ages to be rather overwhelming.  Firstly because you're a relatively new mom (rather than 15 years into it) and secondly because with an infant and a young child, that's a *lot* of physical and emotional needs you have to meet on a pretty constant basis.  So, my oldest was 4 when my youngest was born, and there were about two years where it was very overwhelming.  Now my youngest is almost 4, and all three are largely independant kids, and last summer I started to feel like I was on vacation.

We all cannot wait for another baby, Lord willing.  It would definitely change the dynamic again, and increase my workload, but it's worth it to me, and now that i've done it three times over, I know that it is not only possible but a very worthy effort.

[insidevoice]

We have three.  They dynamic is very different than two, but we absolutely love it, and are actually thinking about having a fourth. I grew up in a family with two children, while DH grew up in a family with six.  I see the differences as adults, and I see the difference in dynamic with my own kids.  

For me (and this will vary a lot!) I am a better mother to three than I was to two.  I plan better, I take things in stride better, we have a better pattern in our family life. 

I have one older child, and two who are still quite young (both under three.)  It is crazy and busy, but not overwhelming. Also, I write off the first 6 months of any new babyhood as chaos and a learning curve. 

[alexsam]

I totally could have written your original post. We have 2 boys- 6 and 2. I really find it challenging, but I also can't seem to let go of the idea of another! DH would love it so that's not helping! Our guys are VERY active and my place is a usual madhouse. While the kids were/are little, I've been a generally SAHM but to have a little "me time", I have been slowly working on a PhD. I will graduate this summer and another baby would really make any next step I take difficult (as I really don't want to work with a baby/toddler, but if I don't I will slowly edge myself out of the field as I won't be current. There are *some* middle ground areas, but nothing is really *perfect*). 3 would put a lager financial burden and start to limit the things we wanted to do (travel, etc.). Of course, it is very possible in 5 years we may be in a different position financially! I also feel like I've got my hands full, but not ready to really commit to "no more babies".

Ahhh... I don't know either.

At the moment, we're giving it another year or so to let it "settle" before we say "no more babies". DH and I have always been open to adoption, so if we say "no more" then change our minds, that is possible.

My husband is hoping for a "twin girl oops". I think I would loose my ever-lovin' mind. 

[Bellabaz]

Originally Posted by alexsam 

My husband is hoping for a "twin girl oops". I think I would loose my ever-lovin' mind. 

My dh thinks its funny to joke about this too (he isn't really hoping for it though). I would definitly loose what little is left of my sanity =)

[Agatha_Ann]

Originally Posted by alexsam 

I totally could have written your original post. We have 2 boys- 6 and 2. I really find it challenging, but I also can't seem to let go of the idea of another! DH would love it so that's not helping! Our guys are VERY active and my place is a usual madhouse. While the kids were/are little, I've been a generally SAHM but to have a little "me time", I have been slowly working on a PhD. I will graduate this summer and another baby would really make any next step I take difficult (as I really don't want to work with a baby/toddler, but if I don't I will slowly edge myself out of the field as I won't be current. There are *some* middle ground areas, but nothing is really *perfect*). 3 would put a lager financial burden and start to limit the things we wanted to do (travel, etc.). Of course, it is very possible in 5 years we may be in a different position financially! I also feel like I've got my hands full, but not ready to really commit to "no more babies".

Ahhh... I don't know either.

At the moment, we're giving it another year or so to let it "settle" before we say "no more babies". DH and I have always been open to adoption, so if we say "no more" then change our minds, that is possible.

My husband is hoping for a "twin girl oops". I think I would loose my ever-lovin' mind. 

 I used to always say that when it comes time to get pregnant with the "last" that I'll get pregnant with twins just to slip one more in there!

I agree with the pp who said she adjusts to each one as they come along. There are definitely days when I am so overwhelmed all I can do is laugh or cry. Then there are days when everything seems to fall into place how it should and it is very comfortable.

There are times that I feel bad for my older ones because I am never able to 100% focus on their activities. My DD's gymnastics meets for example. I always make sure I get to watch her when she is up, but the in between is spent chasing the littles around the gym. Sometimes they want to do projects that have to wait til naptime. That makes me sad. They also are so tender and kind to children younger than them. They are very selfless when it comes to caring for their siblings and any of my daycare kids too. The other day, my 10 year old son and four of his friends (who all happen to be youngest) walked by one of my daycare kids in a bouncy seat who was kind of fussing while I made lunch. Two of the friends looked, one didn't, and my son popped a binky in his mouth and handed him a rattle as he walked by. That melts my heart.

There are times that I feel bad for my younger ones because they have never known a life where they weren't sharing attention. They have never been around for mom to have as many arms as children. My oldest kids were my entire world as babies. Of course the younger ones are too, but my world has become more fragmented for them. My younger kids are learning to be so patient and very trusting. They know their needs will be met even if it isn't right this instant. They also look at their older siblings with stars in their eyes. I can't tell you how many times a week we will hear little pitter patters as the little kids climb into bed with the big ones. They just can't get enough of them.

I don't know when we'll be done. I enjoy all of my children so much and I have always wanted a large family. I also know the struggle in my mind that happens around two years old between wanting a baby to lay on my chest and the little bits of freedom that grow with each day. It is a hard choice OP and I wish you the best in it!

[labdogs42]

I'll be the opposite odd woman out.  We have an only child and we plan to keep it that way.  He's six now and we just love having one.  It feels right for us.  Take your time and hopefully you'll reach a point where you "know" what feels right for you. 

[oregonianmama]

We are in the deciding boat as well. Our only is approaching 17 months and we are deciding whether or not to have another one. I want them to be between 2-3 years apart so our window will not last that long :) Sorry I'm not helpful!

[phathui5]

We currently have four biological children (aged 3, 5, 7 and 10) and are in the process of becoming licensed foster/adoptive parents so that we can adopt a sibling group from foster care. It's something that we've talked about doing in the past and I am really happy that we're on our way!

I think that having a toddler and a baby was more stressful than the four kids I have now.

[Salamanda]

From my experience, I am always overwhelmed when the baby is under the age of one. My 3rd DD is only 10 months, but I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My youngest is sleeping better at night and this helps a lot. I watch my oldest two together (who are 4 and 2 1/2) and I keep thinking that things would be a lot easier if I just had the two of them.

Of course, as hard as it is, I wouldn't change a thing. The transition from 2-3 was tough (I would not downplay the challenges with this!), but I love having three. I love it enough that I'm considering adding a 4th one day.

[Triniity]

I am in the process of deciding as well. I want so many things at the same time, it´s insane! I have two beautifull children, DD (4) and DS (2) and am kind of trying for the next one. I feel I want to have four children, but talking about it makes my dh either start crying or laughing hysterically. Mmmmh. But maybe he´ll grow into it. 

I don´t know that many families with four kids, so I cannot really follow an example. 

I am working fulltime at the moment, as a pediatric surgeon, with very modest working hours (for the job), about 50 hours/week. We have a huge house with a huge garden and plan to build a little homestead from it, we have a lot of animals already, and plan for the second dog, since the first one is a bit lonely, (but I need a watchdog, I am sooo afraid at night when my dh is not around). 

I love children and really want to have a lot of them, I just don´t really how to make it reality. I always think that one would never regret a child, but maybe one would regret not to have it :) YKWM ? 

I had an miscarriage due to serious health issues (mine, not the child´s) when I was 26 and I am still missing this little one; and I sometime think I am trying to get this LO back, and the longing will never go away.... but at some point I probably have to stop ...