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Just wow...Update

post #1 of 28
Thread Starter 

I understand it's not my place to tell my ex how to spend his money but really there is a line.  He whines all the time about how he's broke and until he had to start paying for DD his incoming equaled his outgoing and they lived well and her child support is too high and he can't afford her health insurance.  Her premiums would be $300 a month and he's had a court order for medical support out for over a year.  He pays $558 a month in support.  He also has a nice townhome, two cars, an entire houseful of brand new furniture, appliances, etc, a big screen tv, just bought a new PS3, and keeps the gf supplied in designer clothes/bags/shoes etc.  He also has a huge dish package, two new computers, and excessive internet speed.  He's constantly taking time off work and going on costly trips to pay in Magic tournaments or just because.  They go out to eat at least once a week (and we're talking high dollar nice restaurants) and provides NOTHING for our daughter when she goes to his house.  I am expected to provide EVERYTHING down to her food and drink because they won't buy what she medically is able to eat and drink.  This bugs me because we have the SLOWEST internet speed (SO needs it for work), NO tv of any sort that we are required to pay for (and the screen we watch it on is small),ONE car, and a small apartment.  We've sold everything of any value INCLUDING OUR FURNITURE pretty much to make ends meet.  Then our one car (that we were 8 months from paying off) had the transmission go out.  It was not something we could afford and in our area, carless isn't an option.  After thoroughly looking through all the options, our only choice was to trade it in and get a "new" car.  It wasn't what we wanted but we had no choice so we went ahead.  We scrimped and pinched and took a really crappy deal to get the money to pay the sales tax so we could have a working vehicle.  Less than a week later ex is now trading in both his PERFECTLY FINE cars to get one vehicle with a ticket of $30,000 + interest!!!!!!  The big thing is that one of the cars is the one we bought during our marriage (that he's three months from paying off) in a community property state so I'm entitled to part of it's value.  WTF?!  He "can't afford" to pay for his daughter's child support or provide her health insurance (so we're stuck on medicaid) but he can do all that sh!t?  Sure sounds like he's got a lot of disposable income to me and can pay it just fine!  I'm just LIVID because we've been stuck with crappy doctor after crappy doctor and get treated like worthless sh!t pretty much everywhere we go and have to fight to get the specialists and treatments she needs because he can't afford her insurance and now he pulls this bs?!  There are just no words for how angry I am.  Thank goodness he doesn't have visitation again until Saturday so I have time to chill before I have to see him because I honestly don't think I could bite my tongue anymore.  :(

post #2 of 28

That sounds really horrible.  My ex had two children when we got together.  We always had money to go to the bar or go out to eat but when it came to him buying them christmas presents or birthday presents or anything at it would be really skimpy.  He said he paid child support (which, by the way, he very rarely actually paid) and he shouldnt have to.  I felt horrible about that, on top of being monetarily selfish he was also cold and emotionally detached from them.  They would come to our house and tell us they hated us and wanted to go home everyday they were there.  What he did was wrong but he had some really pent up feelings about his children reguarding their behavior.  Their mother would bad mouth him  (The mother was very emotionally abusive to the kids), it was all around a very bad situation for the girls and i was always there for them telling them they were good kids in a tough situation....and I still have a good relationship with them to this day.  Anyway, I come from the opposite point of view, but not very many woman would feel like me.  Many of them would want their man to ignore the kids(because they felt threatened) and would love to have all the money spent on them.  Ugh is all I can say.

post #3 of 28
Thread Starter 

That's fabulous that you still have a relationship with them!  His GF now all of a sudden wants a baby.  We've been friends for a long time and it was always, "I never want to have kids and I don't understand how any would."  Sounds to me like someone is trying to steal the attention back.

 

ETA: We were friends for a long time until she started sleeping with my husband and stealing from us - understandably at which point the friendship ended.

post #4 of 28

Im surprised the state would provide her with medicaid if her father is financially able to support her. 

post #5 of 28
Thread Starter 

Our state only goes after the father if you get cash benefits.  Plus, I had medicaid while pregnant because I lost my job so by default she had it after birth.  It tooks 7 months for the medical order to go out after she was born and she's been on it ever since as well.  We had to recertify around her birthday and I let them know about the order and they said there was nothing they could do until CSE enforced it.  :(  Really crappy situation.  Hopefully the mediator will have at it when we go to make him see what his priorities should be (DD first, then him, then gf, then dog).

post #6 of 28
Thread Starter 

Ugh, I passed his house on the way home today and they didn't trade in both cars - just the one that was ours and I have rights to the value.  Can't afford to do what you're supposed to my  a**!  He now has TWO cars to pay for and insure one of which is $30,000 + about $20,000 in interest!!!  BS, come on mediation, my terms just got a lot tougher!

post #7 of 28

 

You are right to go into mediation with a tough mindset and a basic awareness of major things like a new car purchase. You are right to insist, relentlessly, that mandated support be fully paid. 

 

Everything else is just a waste of your energy. It's not your business how he spends money. It's actually not your business what your mutual child eats at his house - although given her young age and allergies, I see why you get sucked into providing food. Every second you spend being mad about the new gf's fancy accessories is a second that you did NOT spend taking good care of yourself and your family. 

post #8 of 28

Can you apply for cash benefits so cse will go after him? Even if you only qualify for $5 a  month, they will try to get it out of him.

post #9 of 28
Thread Starter 

That is a thought.  We've applied before but didn't qualify because I got $800 a month in unemployment.  I don't get that anymore so maybe we would qualify...Food for thought.  :)

post #10 of 28

 

Definitely a good idea to reapply, if TPR is off the table as it unfortunately seems to be. 

post #11 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheSlingMama View Post

That is a thought.  We've applied before but didn't qualify because I got $800 a month in unemployment.  I don't get that anymore so maybe we would qualify...Food for thought.  :)



Don't re-apply.  States that go after the dad for child support when the mother gets cash benefits, KEEP the support.  So, if you qualify for $5, the state will keep all $300 (or whatever - thats just a random number) that your ex pays, even though it shoudl be yours.  Don't ask me why, I don't know.  I just know that has happened to people, and so if you do reapply, you need to ask, 100 times, how much of the cs they will keep, and how much you will get.  And then, you need to pull your application if the state will keep everything.

post #12 of 28

 

... all this assuming that what you WANT is the money. What the OP may in fact want is for her ex to get hit as hard as possible in the wallet by an entity he can't bully or avoid or disregard, in the hopes of securing an eventual voluntary TPR. 

post #13 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smithie View Post

 

... all this assuming that what you WANT is the money. What the OP may in fact want is for her ex to get hit as hard as possible in the wallet by an entity he can't bully or avoid or disregard, in the hopes of securing an eventual voluntary TPR. 


 

I'm in a similar situation... my kids haven't seen their birth dad in over two years, and he's $3000. in arrears. I've posed the adoption question to him, and the response I got was "I have no comment at this time. I need to consult legal advice when I am able." The way I see it, it's win-win for the kids.... 

 

If XH wants to retain his rights, that's fine by me, but I'll be holding him to his financial obligation... I pieced together details from a court application he mailed (not filed/served, so there was no court date) and an email he sent, and figured out where he's working. I can't rely on support for our monthly expenses because it's intermittent, but I can tuck whatever I get away in the kids' education savings plan, or use it for clothes or activities for the kids. More money = more security (sort of? It gets put to good use, anyway) If having to pay the support the kids deserve is a motivating factor for him to give up his rights, then...

 

SO would happily take them! He considers them his own kids, refers to them as his son/daughter and is proud of them. He considers it a privilege to be a part of their lives/ We've consulted with a lawyer ourselves and down the line, he may try to adopt them even without XH's consent (we are the kind of case where it's sometimes possible) the lawyer informed us that even if I died, the kids could stay with SO. An adoption would save them from the inevitable court battle that XH's parents (not XH.. though he'd do whatever Mumsie told him to) Other things would be a lot easier, too... I don't have passports for the kids because XH won't sign them (and won't give a reason why not) and I'm not sure how SO would be treated if he ever has to take one of the kids to the doctor/emergency if I'm out of town or something... I worry that they wouldn't let him visit/comfort them like they would a 'real' parent. Would they put the cast on/stitch the kid up and give them back to him, or would they only release them to a legal guardian? It's a whole bunch of stupid shit that he, as their DAD, shouldn't have to think about. The security we'd have is obviously well worth doing without child support!!

post #14 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mummoth View Post
 
I'm not sure how SO would be treated if he ever has to take one of the kids to the doctor/emergency if I'm out of town or something... I worry that they wouldn't let him visit/comfort them like they would a 'real' parent. Would they put the cast on/stitch the kid up and give them back to him, or would they only release them to a legal guardian? It's a whole bunch of stupid shit that he, as their DAD, shouldn't have to think about. The security we'd have is obviously well worth doing without child support!!

 

This is something worth asking a lawyer about.  I'm sure that you could, every time you left town or went away for business, or whatever, sign a medical "permission" slip of sorts to sort it out.  But, yeah, talk to a lawyer.  Thats not a good thing to worry about when you're out of town!!

 

Sorry OP for the derailment!
 

post #15 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smithie View Post

 

... all this assuming that what you WANT is the money. What the OP may in fact want is for her ex to get hit as hard as possible in the wallet by an entity he can't bully or avoid or disregard, in the hopes of securing an eventual voluntary TPR. 



And that's all fine and well, but the OP was MARRIED to that man when she got pregnant - he is her child's father.  Trying to bully someone into TPR just makes my stomach turn and twist into knots.

post #16 of 28

A dad who cares about his kids wouldn't need government intervention to 'bully' him into paying child support, he'd pay it willingly! If he can't take the pressure of being held responsible for his kids, too bad! 

post #17 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mummoth View Post

A dad who cares about his kids wouldn't need government intervention to 'bully' him into paying child support, he'd pay it willingly! If he can't take the pressure of being held responsible for his kids, too bad! 


True.  That doesn't mean that the OP, or the government, should be bullying him into TPR though.

post #18 of 28
Thread Starter 


EXACTLY!!!  We were actually just in this situation because DD was in the hospital.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mummoth View Post




 

I'm in a similar situation... my kids haven't seen their birth dad in over two years, and he's $3000. in arrears. I've posed the adoption question to him, and the response I got was "I have no comment at this time. I need to consult legal advice when I am able." The way I see it, it's win-win for the kids.... 

 

If XH wants to retain his rights, that's fine by me, but I'll be holding him to his financial obligation... I pieced together details from a court application he mailed (not filed/served, so there was no court date) and an email he sent, and figured out where he's working. I can't rely on support for our monthly expenses because it's intermittent, but I can tuck whatever I get away in the kids' education savings plan, or use it for clothes or activities for the kids. More money = more security (sort of? It gets put to good use, anyway) If having to pay the support the kids deserve is a motivating factor for him to give up his rights, then...

 

SO would happily take them! He considers them his own kids, refers to them as his son/daughter and is proud of them. He considers it a privilege to be a part of their lives/ We've consulted with a lawyer ourselves and down the line, he may try to adopt them even without XH's consent (we are the kind of case where it's sometimes possible) the lawyer informed us that even if I died, the kids could stay with SO. An adoption would save them from the inevitable court battle that XH's parents (not XH.. though he'd do whatever Mumsie told him to) Other things would be a lot easier, too... I don't have passports for the kids because XH won't sign them (and won't give a reason why not) and I'm not sure how SO would be treated if he ever has to take one of the kids to the doctor/emergency if I'm out of town or something... I worry that they wouldn't let him visit/comfort them like they would a 'real' parent. Would they put the cast on/stitch the kid up and give them back to him, or would they only release them to a legal guardian? It's a whole bunch of stupid shit that he, as their DAD, shouldn't have to think about. The security we'd have is obviously well worth doing without child support!!

post #19 of 28
Thread Starter 

Oops, double post.

post #20 of 28
Thread Starter 

For the record, I'm not trying to bully him into anything.  I'm trying to get him to do what's best for our daughter which is to have the man who's been her father (since bio decided to opt out for 16 of her 19 months), whom she calls dad, and who has been there since before birth have the legal rights to protect her as he should.  If bio will stop his bs crap and ACTUALLY put DD's needs ahead of his (which, honestly, will NEVER happen.  It's just who he is as a person.) I have no problem with him being a part of her life.  Instead, for him, she is a show piece and a way to upset me.  He won't sign off his rights because that's what I want but he doesn't want to pay up either.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post




True.  That doesn't mean that the OP, or the government, should be bullying him into TPR though.

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