I'll just throw this in there:
My parents got divorced when I was less than 2 years old. Soon after my dad moved several states away. Except for occasional events that he came up for (state gymnastics meet, graduation, a play I was in, etc), most years I saw him for 6 weeks in the summer and 2 weeks every other Christmas. That's it. My mom got remarried to a family friend we'd known all our lives, someone we chose to call Daddy (my other dad was "Papa").
From what I've pieced together from my mom (who has never and will never say anything bad about my dad, but who gave me little tidbits from her own experience when I was going through my own divorce as an adult) my dad absolutely loved us but didn't have much of an idea how to put other people's needs ahead of his own on a regular basis, and a big part of their divorce was their different ideas of what it meant to be a parent and to raise children together. We always had enough money growing up, but not a lot extra... my dad had plenty of money, came from a rich family, had a big house in one state and a beautiful summer place in another, had a stay-at-home wife, and retired young. When we were with him we took expensive vacations.
We lived with my step-father. My step-father took us to doctor's appointments, picked us up from school when we were sick, signed permission forms, enforced the rules, paid for our expenses and our extra-curriculars, helped us with homework, tucked us in at night... He was the everyday dad who did all the things one expects dads to do. He's the father who did the actual parenting every single day.
Despite her personal feelings for my dad, her doubts about his abilities as a parent, and some pretty extreme disagreement with some of the things we were allowed to do during his parenting time, she was supportive of our relationship with him, encouraged him to take extra time with us if he ever had it, encouraged us to call him every night, and gave us long stretches of uniterrupted time with him where she didn't expect so much as a phone call or postcard from us.
And throughout my life, I have been EXTREMELY close to my dad. Still now I talk to him most days on the phone. When I see something interesting or funny, he's the one I text or call. I chose to go to college near him. When I got remarried at city hall, he was the only person we invited to fly across the country to witness the ceremony. He is my DAD, and regardless of who stepped in and did the everyday parenting in his absence, regardless of who I called "dad," what my mother thought of him, how little I saw him, or how little he was involved in my day-to-day life he IS and always will be my DAD.
I will always be grateful to my mom for putting her own stuff aside and letting us develop our own relationship with him. I give her so much credit for her part in building that relationship. I've had some conversations with her about blended families and step-parenting, and she said she NEVER saw it as an either/or... She always saw how lucky we were to have so many adults to love us, each in their own ways. I love my step-father and have a close relationship with him, completely separate from my relationship with my dad. Just as my mom had enough room in her heart to love each one of her children, she knew that we had enough room in our hearts to love ALL the adults in our lives, and she respected our right to develop our own relationships with each of them. She is our model for good co-parenting... my husband, when he is in conflict with his ex, often things about what my mom would do. As I parent my own children, I hope I can be just like her.
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