Playing on their own

[Triniity]

Hi, is there any way to teach children to play on their own or is it just personality? My kids (5 & 2,5) kind of never play together in their playroom. They either fight or want an adult to play with them. It totally drives me nuts, since they are constantly whining. 

DS is hurting DD and I am sometimes really feeling like hitting him since I don´t see any possibility in stopping that behaviour otherwise (I didn´t and wouldn´t - I just don´t know what to do. 

I don´t see actually playing with them all the time an option, I think they should really play together, or everyone on his own or something ...

Advise?

[pianojazzgirl]

My kids are 6.5 and 3.5 and there is still a lot of time spent like what you describe.  However, the older they've gotten the better they've become at playing together (and independent from me).

I think most younger kids usually prefer playing near to their adults (parents, babysitter, etc).  If the playroom is situated in such a way that they can't see you, or are quite separated from you, then I don't think it's unusual that they don't want to play there.  Is it possible to set them up to play in a space near to you while you go about doing your work (doing crafts at the kitchen table while you prepare dinner, playing in the living room while you while you fold laundry or that kind of thing)?

Sometimes I have success setting them up with a game and then sneaking away.  For ex. my kids love to pretend that they're puppies or kitties, so sometimes I'll bring out the play tent to be their "puppy house" and suggest that they set up beds in there, and maybe put the box of play food nearby to give them the idea to make "puppy snacks", etc.  If I'm lucky that might lead to a good hour or two of independent pretend play!

I do think that if your 2yo has been hitting a lot recently then it is up to you to keep a close eye on him/them until he's passed through this phase.  I also think that 2.5 and 5 are kind of "tricky" ages, and you might find that just half a year of maturity will do wonders in terms of them being developmentally ready to play more independently from you.

ETA something else that can help with the whining and fighting is to make sure you're on top of keeping everyone well-fed and well-rested.  In our house it's usually the times when one or other is starting to get hungry, or when someone needs a nap or down-time that the behaviour deteriorates.

[NYCVeg]

I don't mean this to sound callous, but ignoring your kids is a great way to get them to play by themselves! I don't mean literally ignoring them, but IME, kids who know that their parents are willing to entertain them will generally expect their parents to entertain them. We play with dd (4) some of the time, of course--we read her books and play board games and take her outside, but we don't feel it's our jobs to be her non-stop source of entertainment. Most of the time when we're at home we have other things we need (or want!) to do. Left to her own devices, and without us jumping in every two minutes, she's great at entertaining herself. Personality definitely plays a part, but I think parental expectations do also. 

[Triniity]

Thanks for the replies. I did try ignoring, and it totally does not work. Not ignoring ignoring, obviously. I am not even trying to do something really challenging with them awake anyway, just things like reading or sewing or something, mostly about three meters away from them (in the next room with two doors - both open). They do play in between, but they - esp. DD - spent an awful lot of time whining that she wants me to come and play with them... 

And than DS is getting real physical with her, pulling hair, hitting, biting ... stuff like that. I cannot physically keep them apart all the time, since DS loves DD and the other way round and they want to play together - but they fight. I am wondering if there is a way in actually teaching them to, or: this, too shall pass :) 

I am not sure if they actually do need coaching - or better no intervention . Mmmh. being a bit helpless here...

Like in this book: Secret of parenting?! Does anybody know it? I do not agree with the author, stating that one should just let the kids regulate themselves, I don´t know but I don´t feel happy with this approach, since one will probably loose this way... 

Maybe they will just grow .... 

[pianojazzgirl]

I think it is both something that you might have to wait out ("this too shall pass") and that you can "coach" as well.  I'm constantly coaching my kids on how to deal with conflicts.... giving them words... teaching them to 1st "use their words" to talk their problem out (ie. instead of dd hitting ds because he's trying to grab her toy she can and should say something like "ds, please don't grab my toy.  I don't like it when you grab from me"), and 2nd, if talking doesn't work, to come and get help from a parent (instead of resorting to violence!).  We've been working on this for a couple of years and it is a lot better than it used to be.  Sometimes they work things out on their own, and sometimes I step in to mediate (basically I give them words and help them calm down enough to express their thoughts and feelings).  If things aren't cooling down then I get the kids to take a break from each other.  In fact I often talk with them about how taking a break is something they might like to do if they are feeling too annoyed.  I've been trying to teach them that sometimes it's a good tool to just take some space apart from the other person - to kind of re-set.  Ds (3yo) is not quite there yet, but dd (6yo) has reached a point where she has started sometimes deciding to just walk away and do a quiet activity or read in her room.

ETA we also talk about problem solving.  Like dd has the pink ball and ds wants it....  "How do you guys think we can solve this?"  "Yes, why don't we look in the ball bin for another ball that ds can use."  Or.. "What about you play with the ball together?"  Etc, etc....  I've mediated enough problem solving sessions like this that now dd often initiates it herself and I don't need to get involved.

[cappuccinosmom]

I wouldn't leave them alone together for now.  You don't have to play with them, but you need to be on top of things, especially if there is fighting and hurting going on.  That might mean shifting their play area to somewhere central so that you aren't tied to the play room, but can still see and hear what's going on and respond to wrong behavior immediately.

My three play together nicely most of the time (they are coming up on their 4,6, and 8 year birthdays soon).  Their earlier years were "training ground" for the freedom they have now.  After several years of being watchful about their play, and disciplining for hurting/fighting Every. Single. Time, I have confidence in their ability to play well together, and to work things out if there's a disagrement.  At most, I might have to call out a reminder if I hear voices rising.  On rare occasion, they lose playing time, but it's not often.  So it was a lot of hard work for me in the early years, to teach them, but it paid off when they were older.

[JayGee]

I agree that this a storm you'll have to weather until they get a little older.  My children are 4, almost 7 and 9 and play really well together.  Sure, they argue and fight some, but they really are each other's closest friends.  My two girls will spend hours playing with stuffed animals together and my oldest DS loves to make up races or obstacles courses to do with his sisters.  I really feel that children mature into this kind of cooperative play, somewhere around age 4, from my experience.