So I'm at the point where I have to accept that we're doing everything we can. We're allowing for the opportunity for conception so there must be more to it than just sperm meets egg, voila, you're pregnant! I need to let go of this belief that I have any control over this because I don't. I cannot make myself get pregnant or stay pregnant. I can make my body as healthy as possible, I can make sure that sperm is there when the egg is released, I can make sure that my hormones are where they need to be to sustain a pregnancy, but I cannot make it happen. And I don't know how to just ACCEPT that. I need to find a way to do that because I am driving myself crazy trying to control something that I have no control over. Does anyone have any ideas? Thanks!
Callieollie, I am so sorry that you have had to go through all that! As someone that conceived the first month of trying, and then never again, I have some thoughts for you. (Our dd is now 6, and I honestly believe that we will never conceive again. I am now at the point that I would prefer to adopt, as I have so little trust in my body. I don't need to be pregnant again, but I would hope to nurse the adopted child for a long time.)
1) Do not wait to see a specialist. Even if it is nothing and things just take a bit longer, I think you will not regret being active. Any chance you could see someone doing NapRo care?
2) The book "Making babies" goes into some detail about situations in which there should be nothing wrong and, yet, things just don't happen.
3) If things get really hard and bitter, maybe you want to start posting in the Bitter Sushi ladies thread, also. Whatever you might be feeling, someone there knows what you are going through.
4) I would look into possible immune problems. (Maybe the yahoo group immunologysupport could help.)
5) I sincerely hope and pray that you will get pregnant and have a baby very soon. If not, I want you to know that there is life after secondary infertility. That you can be happy again... all that. However, it will take time, and during that time you cannot force yourself to feel only the things you may feel you should. (You know, the sort of "I will praise God in my suffering" attitude.) You may have to cry and rage, feel jealous and sad. It is all part of the journey towards healing. Little by little you will be able to let go and accept, even if all the emotions are still there. And, then, one day you will realize there are also some posivites to having only two, even if you would never choose to have only two children. And then there may come a time that your life -as it is, instead how you hoped it to be- starts to make sense for you. You start to see it as God's plan and be able to be thankful for it. You may even see some reasons to the whys of it all. OR NOT. I hope you will not need to go through that process. That is how it has been for me, but of course it could be totally different for you. I still go backwards at times, from peace and excitement about what God is calling me to (since it does not seem to be the "more usual" way of being a Catholic mom), to sadness, jealousy, anger... But these days the difficult days are fewer and the good ones seem to keep increasing.
To make a long story short, I think people can accept and find peace in all kids of very difficult circumstances. However, it does take time. I hope that you will find some people with whom you can share all your emotions (also other than your dh). I think it can be very difficult to be a Catholic and suffer from any sort of infertility. However, when you already have children, people often seem to assume that you are contracepting or are using NFP without just reasons. It is hard to be judged when you would give so much to have another child. It got easier for me when I started to tell people, whenever someone asked if we would like another or something like that. In the beginning I think I cried every time someone asked me. It felt way too personal but, yet, I also felt the need to tell them. I needed their support, instead of judgement. I also wanted them to become more sensitive so no one else would need to go through the same thing. (It made me feel sick that many people seemed to think that we had decided to have dd, only.) I now have tons of people praying for me. Some have no clue how hard the topic has been for me. Some know quite well.
One of the biggest things for me has been that I refuse to let infertility (and thus my emotions) ruin any part of our dd's childhood. After over 3 years, I have finally started to see some meaning in why God would let us love kids so much, and then allow this suffering. We are hoping to adopt one day (seems unlikely, though), and will hopefully become short term foster parents for babies this fall. I feel blessed to think of having an opportunity to use the gifts and the love God has given us.
Sorry about the novel... Feel free to disagree. Just please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that no one tried to minimize your pain.