How is crying in arms different than CIO?

[YayJennie]

I sit here typing this as my (3 month old) daughter is screaming inconsolably in the moby with my husband.  We have spent the last hour straight, sushing, rocking, holding, wearing, walking, bouncing...you get the idea.  She gets overtired and then can't fall asleep.  I know that's the problem, and I'm trying to get her on a good nap schedule so she doesn't get overtired.  But it happens.  And she screams.  And cries, and is just completely inconsolable until she finally cries herself to sleep, and then sleeps and wakes up happy as a clam.

So, it's not that I want to leave her to CIO, or see any benefit in doing so.  But seriously, NOTHING I do is helping her calm down.  So honestly, what is the difference?  How is it better that she cries herself to sleep while I'm holding her versus crying herself to sleep in the pack and play or swing?  Please help me feel like there's a reason I'm enduring this hour long headache and heartache holding her while she screams.  Please.  Because it is seriously exhausting doing everything you can to calm down your baby and still have her red in the face screaming at you.  Please tell me it's worth it.

[PiggyPiggyOinkOink]

Can you put her in a swing or something, to get some reprieve? I've been there with a crying baby that just won't stop, but didn't want to just put them in the other room. Try the swing or a baby seat for her, and take a breather. It's not CIO- you are still there and care about her crying and being upset. But you need to take care of yourself too.

[McGucks]

What a marvelous thread (though I am very sorry Emma is having a hard time)...I have wondered the exact same thing with my 10 m.o.  No amount of reassurance, patting, rocking (not that he actually lets me...he's a thrasher), etc., whatever makes the slightest difference.  It makes me feel useless and very sad and wonder why, since I am the mother, I can't comfort him during those hard times.  But if I put him down, he crawls back to me and wants me to pick him up.  Eventually, he lets me nurse him and that zonks him out--but it can take a long time before he will let me nurse him.  I have told myself that it is different that CIO because, even though he doesn't seem comforted by anything I do, surely he knows I am hanging in there with him until the end.  I guess it makes me feel like at least I am trying to "be there" for him and console him, but it is really hard when I feel like it doesn't make any difference.  I will look forward to seeing other responses to this one.  p.s.:  Have you seen "The Happiest Baby on the Block"?  It helped some when he was itty bitty, even if it only gave me some concrete things to try.

[SpuglyRoo]

I honestly don't know how it is different except that to me it feels wrong to let my baby sit and scream while I don't try to fix it (even when I know I can't).  The only problem with that is that it doesn't seem to take less time for her to eventually stop/fall asleep. 

There are only two things that seem to help here "shake" the overtiredness and calm down enough to sleep. The first is to wrap her in a blanket and step outside or into the garage with her so that she feels the drastic temperature difference on her face (it is winter here), which will sometimes get her to snuggle into me and calm down.  The other is something I discovered one night when I was by myself and desperately had to use the bathroom.  Nothing I was doing was helping anyway so I laid her on a blanket by the bathroom door and let her cry there for the 90 seconds it takes to use the facilities.  When I picked her up again she was so glad to be back in my arms that she calmed down and went to sleep within a few minutes. 

It is so tough when they unfortunately reach the point of over exhaustion and you know that if they just calmed down and went to sleep the problem would go away but there is no way to get them to cooperate.  Good Luck!

[Knitting Mama]

Hmmm...have you tried blowing lightly on her face or turning on a fan and standing near it?

I also second HBotB, it was seriously a lifesaver for my colicky baby.

When you say you're trying to get her on a good napping schedule, how long is she going between sleeps? Cecilia had a hell of a time sleeping if she got overly tired, like your little one. I would seriously try after an hour of awake time and go from there.

[P.J.]

The difference is HUGE. CIO = abandonment. It sends the message: you don't matter to me, your emotions are wrong and I won't be there for you, whereas crying in arms is you being there for your child when she has an intense emotion. Sometimes a baby just needs to cry and there's nothing we can do to stop it. Hell, sometimes adults need to cry! It is part of being human. It will happen throughout childhood, so it's actually valuable for us as parents to learn how to be there, and stay centered, through our child's emotional storms.

My baby happened to be colicky, which it doesn't sound like yours is. But ours cried inconsolably all.the.time in the first four months of his life. It was harrowing. I know the pain, the helplessness, the uncertainty: why is he crying? What hurts him so? But really, as long as you're as sure as you can be that all of her basic needs are met and you've ruled out everything else, and she's still crying, well all you can do is be there for her.

Also, some kids have a hard time with transition into and/or out of sleep. Often this is just some fussing or mild crying before falling asleep, but usually not screaming. It could be this, with a combination of other causes (like overstimulation, overtiredness). Once you've ruled out physical things (illness, food intolerance, etc) and you're sure all of her other needs are met, and you've tried everything to get her sleep on track, etc,, all that's left is just to be there for her.

I think this is a big theme for parents: that ultimately, we cannot save our children from ever experiencing emotional pain. I expect this to be a recurring issue for me as my child grows up. As parents we so want them to be happy and have an easy life. But as far as I can tell, it's just part of the human experience to feel hurt at times. And, as I learned with my colicky son, that even starts in infancy. What is so hard is that they can't tell us what it is, and the frustration, insecurity and helplessness that ensue. I feel ya mama! . But please rest assured you are not letting your girl CIO, you are being there for her when she needs you. I think at times that's the very best we can do, and it's actually worth a lot.

[Cyllya]

If you're holding the baby in your arms, you're comforting her while she's sad.

If you're doing CIO, you are causing her to be sad.

Likewise, you wouldn't pinch her to make her cry, you know?

Crying when you're sad is actually a good thing, because it gets cortisol (stress hormone) out of your body. But becoming sad in the first place is what causes the cortisol, so it's not beneficial to make yourself sad.

I remember reading an article about exactly this, but I can't find it now. Unless it's this one:

http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/linda_folden_palmer2.html

[sere234]

I would feel 10 times worse letting Caden cry alone than in my arms. Both are pretty miserable but I cannot stand hearing my baby cry when DH and I aren't holding him. Plus, it makes me feel like I'm at least doing SOMETHING to help him, even if he's too upset to notice!

Hope your babe gets past this soon, hugs!!!

[abm79]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sere234 

I would feel 10 times worse letting Caden cry alone than in my arms. Both are pretty miserable but I cannot stand hearing my baby cry when DH and I aren't holding him. Plus, it makes me feel like I'm at least doing SOMETHING to help him, even if he's too upset to notice!

Hope your babe gets past this soon, hugs!!!

Your son is never too upset to notice - he may not be able to say anything, but the comfort of touch for a baby is always noticed!

[Greenlea]

This happened to me last night.  My 3mth old was crying inconsolably when it was bedtime.  I know he was overtired but between me and my DH trying to get him to sleep, he also burped a ton so perhaps he was gassy too.  It makes me cry to have my son crying like that without anything I can do.  I did put him down to try changing his diaper (to rule out everything it could be) and he stopped.  When I put diaper/clothes back on and picked him up, he started again.  Turns out he didn't want his jammies on, maybe he was too hot.  He stopped crying after over an hour and went to bed.  The thing is, there's not always something we can do but just feeling your presence and your breathing and heartbeat WILL make the crying cease sooner, or so I believe.  Even if its an hour, if you left him to cry alone, I'm sure he'd cry longer.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

I didnt read all the replies, but i just had to answer. 

Quite simply, the difference is she knows shes not alone when she cries in your arms.  CIO means she in her crib windering where you are and not knowing if your coming back.  In your arms, shes warm, clean, not hungry, and being told over and over again how much she is safe and loved. 

big diff, eh?

[goinggreengirl]

CIO is leaving your baby alone- no comfort, no reassurance. I would imagine the baby is sad, worried and doesn't know if anyone is ever coming to meet her needs.

Holding your baby while she cries is hard on the parents, but your baby knows that you are there, that you are trying to meet her needs and that you are trying to help.

Huge difference IMO! DS went through a phase like that, where he had to cry in order to go to sleep at night. DH and I would take turns rocking and holding him. I know how hard it is, but it would have been harder to lay him down and leave him to cry without us.

[YayJennie]

Thank you for all the responses!  Unfortunately, the problem with my daughter's sleep is that she has a LOUD 2 year old brother that wakes her from her naps too early!  Luckily, we bought a new swing (that older brother also broke her swing a few weeks ago) and she's napped peacefully upstairs in it today, so no crying!  I appreciate the suggestions on what to do when she is crying, and I'm going to try taking her outside next time it happens to see if that helps.
 

Originally Posted by P.J. 

The difference is HUGE. CIO = abandonment. It sends the message: you don't matter to me, your emotions are wrong and I won't be there for you, whereas crying in arms is you being there for your child when she has an intense emotion. Sometimes a baby just needs to cry and there's nothing we can do to stop it. Hell, sometimes adults need to cry! It is part of being human. It will happen throughout childhood, so it's actually valuable for us as parents to learn how to be there, and stay centered, through our child's emotional storms.

My baby happened to be colicky, which it doesn't sound like yours is. But ours cried inconsolably all.the.time in the first four months of his life. It was harrowing. I know the pain, the helplessness, the uncertainty: why is he crying? What hurts him so? But really, as long as you're as sure as you can be that all of her basic needs are met and you've ruled out everything else, and she's still crying, well all you can do is be there for her.

Also, some kids have a hard time with transition into and/or out of sleep. Often this is just some fussing or mild crying before falling asleep, but usually not screaming. It could be this, with a combination of other causes (like overstimulation, overtiredness). Once you've ruled out physical things (illness, food intolerance, etc) and you're sure all of her other needs are met, and you've tried everything to get her sleep on track, etc,, all that's left is just to be there for her.

I think this is a big theme for parents: that ultimately, we cannot save our children from ever experiencing emotional pain. I expect this to be a recurring issue for me as my child grows up. As parents we so want them to be happy and have an easy life. But as far as I can tell, it's just part of the human experience to feel hurt at times. And, as I learned with my colicky son, that even starts in infancy. What is so hard is that they can't tell us what it is, and the frustration, insecurity and helplessness that ensue. I feel ya mama! . But please rest assured you are not letting your girl CIO, you are being there for her when she needs you. I think at times that's the very best we can do, and it's actually worth a lot.

Thank you mama, this is what I needed to hear

[Em2111]

I think the difference is in why the baby stops crying and what the episode communicates to them.  When left alone to cry babies stop crying when they wear themselves out so completely that they fall asleep and/or they realize that no one will come so there is no point in continuing to try to ask for help.  Over time, they attempt to communicate about their needs less and less because their communication receives no response, or their attempts to communicate become louder and more frantic.  But, either way, distance grows between parents and baby and understanding lessens.  When crying in arms, babies stop crying because they are comforted, they stop hurting or feeling upset, and/or they wear themselves out and fall asleep.  Over time, they cry less because they receive consistent parental response (even if that parental response can't make it better, it doesn't matter) and a closer bond between baby and parents develops, making the three (or two) more in tune with each other.

[ssh]

The really damaging thing about CIO is the stress hormones released. When you are comforting your crying child her brain doesn't release stress hormones so there is no neurological damage. She doesn't feel abandoned so her her learning to trust her caregivers isn't undermined and her ability to bond isn't interfered with. Someone already listed a link to a really good article on the stress hormone cortisol.

We also found that going outside helped with a crying baby. Also the other parent taking over can make a big difference sometimes. I know some one whose baby always calmed down in the shower. With my oldest DD, walking around and singing seemed to work most of the time.

[philomom]

If they were crying.. I was trying. Who wants to cry alone?

But, if you are about to lose your mind or cause your child physical harm... it would be better to leave them for five minutes while you make yourself some chamomile tea.

[mom2happy]

I found with all three of my babies that this works:

When they are absolutely inconsolable, no matter how cold or hot it is outside, I would wear the baby (bundle myself up and zip jacket over baby, or be in tank and shorts with diapered naked baby in moby) I would just go outside and walk around the yard and driveway talking in a soothing voice about the sky, trees, and world.

This ALWAYS worked. I think it was the change of air and the transition of space. What ever it was, the baby would eventually settle down and fall fast asleep.

Oh and there is a big diff between letting a baby lay there and cry.

Think about the times you had to really cry in your life and how much better you would have felt if you had someone to hold and support you during it.

[TreeRose]

This touched my heart so much:

Think about the times you had to really cry in your life and how much better you would have felt if you had someone to hold and support you during it.

[Knitting Mama]

Originally Posted by mom2happy 

I found with all three of my babies that this works:

When they are absolutely inconsolable, no matter how cold or hot it is outside, I would wear the baby (bundle myself up and zip jacket over baby, or be in tank and shorts with diapered naked baby in moby) I would just go outside and walk around the yard and driveway talking in a soothing voice about the sky, trees, and world.

This ALWAYS worked. I think it was the change of air and the transition of space. What ever it was, the baby would eventually settle down and fall fast asleep.

Oh and there is a big diff between letting a baby lay there and cry.

Think about the times you had to really cry in your life and how much better you would have felt if you had someone to hold and support you during it.

Yes, this. A change of venue always works wonders here too.

[lunarlady]

Our first had episodes like this, and it was so hard. Here's what helped me:

Baby may be crying because life sucks sometimes. Simply put, baby came from a perfect environment where it was an ideal temperature, not too loud or too quiet, constant 24 HR a day feeding, held not too loose or too tight, nice and dark...then was rudely evicted into a world of light, sound, hot, cold, clothing, eating, pooping, hunger...get the picture? Obviously this change is disorienting, and upsetting. Paradise lost! This helped me because there was really nothing I, as a mom, was doing wrong to cause upset. So then it just became a matter of compassionate listening, holding, loving and empathizing. Ever just want to cry, scream, and rail about the unjustness of life? Wish somebody would hold you while you cried that things are unfair? I figure that's my job as a mom. To say yes, sometimes life sucks. Yes, we are sad, mad, or frightened by life at times. But no matter what, I am here for you. I hear your sorrow and no matter how angry, sad, or crazy you get, I'll always be here for you.

That's why I always hold my kids when they cry (until they get old enough to tell me to shove off). It shows them that I am not afraid of strong emotion, and that it is safe to share their feelings with me. I don't want my kids thinking that when the going gets tough, mom gets going in the opposite direction.