Help! 7 y.o. DS is obsessed with justice and fairness

[LuckyMommaToo]

and he's making himself miserable. So, for instance, he used the family iPod Touch earlier in the day for a good hour. Later, his sister takes it and starts to use it. He claims that she was "mean" to him in taking it, and two hours later has a complete and total meltdown, ranting on and on about how unfair it is, and how he wants "revenge" on her. Oy.

He's always been a real black and white kid, but this is getting ridiculous. We need to give him some tools to process things and move on, or he's going to have an unhappy life, because let's face it, life is pretty unfair.

Any advice?

thanks,

-e

[annethcz]

My 10yo is very similar.  He is very concerned with making sure that everything is fair.  He also talks about getting revenge on people who he perceives have wronged him (even people who he feels wronged him YEARS ago).

I guess we've just tried to talk with him (gently) about the issue.  This has been a problem for years, and we've been talking about it for years, so it hasn't been a quick fix for us.  To some extent, I think it's just a part of DS's personality which was formed in part by his past experiences (being adopted at the age of 4 and being one of the only black kids at his school hasn't helped). 

In terms of the fairness issue, we do work hard to make sure that there is a level playing field.  All of our kids have the same opportunity to use the TV/Wii/computer/whatever.  We set the timer so that each of them gets to use it for the same amount of time.  But we also talk about the fact that different people have different interests and talents, and that it's reasonable for one person to get to play a different game than someone else because of that.  It's okay that we don't all want to do the same thing, because that's what makes life interesting and fun. 

As for the revenge issue, we talked with DS about this just last week.  It seems that DS was holding onto some grudges from a couple years ago.  So we just asked him how that was working out.  Did getting revenge actually make the situation better?  DS admitted that it didn't make the situation better.  Mostly, we just encouraged DS to think about how he was approaching the situation and determine for himself whether his feelings (desiring revenge) was making his life better. 

As an aside, we have also talked with DS about physical altercations.  It hasn't been an issue, but we want to make sure it doesn't become an issue ;)  We've made it very clear that being physically aggressive is not an option.  Now that DS is getting older, there are definite consequences to being involved in any sort of physical altercation.  We've done our best to let him know that physical revenge could very easily lead to loss of freedom. 

[PatchChild]

It seems pretty common for the age. I see it a lot in the classrooms where I teach. We spend a lot of time talking about how fair isn't always equal. We start very concrete. Image a cake, and four people want to eat it. How do you split it fairly? Usually they talk about cutting it into four equal pieces. Then we tell them, ok, imagine that two of the people are kids, one is an adult, and one is a baby. Do you still split it equally?

We move onto chores in the room. Evereyone works together, but does everyone have to pick up exactly the same number of pieces of trash? Are there other ways to divide up the chores?

This tends to get them thinking creatively, which can help.

[JessJoy]

THat doesn't sound like an obsession with fairness and justice, it sounds like an obsession with "getting what he wants when he wants it" and punishing those who do not see it his way. That's a bit pathological and could grow into a real sense of entitlement if indulged. Time for a therapist.

[Polliwog]

I'm not seeing that at all. I'm a teacher (well, was) and that seems pretty common among early elementary school children.

[prancie]

i think jessjoy is right in that fairness an justice are not what he's obsessed with.  i don't know about a therapist, but i think it would help to reframe the dynamics in your own mind, tossing out the idea that his goal is fairness.  his goal is domination and manipulation.  

[LuckyMommaToo]

Thanks for the responses, particularly annethcz and patchild for the concrete suggestions. The idea of a therapist cracked me up, frankly! I think he's going through a mental growth spurt (and was overtired the day it happened). Interestingly, after that outburst he's been extremely even keeled, even when things haven't gone his way. So I think that now, while he's calm, is the time to continue these discussions. He has always been a kid who is extremely rational (never believed in Santa, for instance) and sees things as either black or white. Gray is tough for him. May be time to read Building Emotional Intelligence.

thanks,

-e