Toddler baths....Help settle this between me and DH.

[Beauchamp]

DD takes her bath in our garden tub, which is bigger than a standard tub. She likes a tiny bit of Earth's Best bubble bath in the water sometimes to play with. DH often refuses to put the bubbles in the bath because he says it requires him to drain all of the water and do a "complete rinse" on her. I think that there is so little bubble bath in so much water that it doesn't really require draining the tub and rinsing with new water, potentially causing her to get upset.

He also washes her hair in a way that I think is somewhat excessive, and likes to do "total body" soap at least every other day. He rinses her hair by pouring water over her head, which makes her cry, because she is really scared to get water in her eyes. I have repeatedly suggested holding a dry washcloth over her eyes, but he just will not. If she is crying, he doesn't really do much to soothe her, he just says things like "Well, Honey, I have to rinse you..." or a similar statement. After he washes her hair, he insists on "fluffing" it up while she is in the bath, which means he rubs her head in every direction with a washcloth until her hair is standing up. He says this helps it to dry better. I say she has so little hair, that all we need to do is gently pat it when she gets out of the tub and it will dry in mere minutes. When he puts her in her towel, he rubs her head again all over. If I try to make ANY suggestion of change, he snaps at me that he "has been doing her bath for months" (as if this is a reason why he should have ALL of the answers?!?) I hate hearing my LO cry, but he often insists on these routines and cannot seem to deviate from them if she is upset or whatever.

What is your opinion on the bubbles/rinsing, the hair washing, drying, etc? This is bugging me, and DH won't listen to me about it at all.

[Sfcmama]

It only took a few weeks from dd being born for me to develop the phrase "daddies do things different!" I've had many experiences like you where I would do things different or felt that dd was fussing when it could be avoided. Buuuuut, I also feel it's important for dh to feel ownership over his parenting and have the freedom to do things his own way (within reason, of course). In time, I learned that dd and dh have their own way of communicating their likes and dislikes to each other and that's more important than me having my 2 cents in about the way they do everything. It's tough but I try to remind myself that unsolicited advice is often self-serving rather than productive.

May not be what you want to hear but it may bring you more peace... Good luck!

[ellemenope]

I don't think your DH's methods are necessarily wrong except for the fact that you claim they are upsetting your DD.  No, there is not one thing your DH does that HAS to be done.

Bathtime has never been worth tears to me.  It is just not worth it.  Babies do not even need to be cleaned all that much.  For us, bathtime was never about cleaning.  It was about creating a positive, empowering experience for DD as well as a routine for bedtime.  Whatever cleaning got done was just an added bonus.  Now at 2.5 DD takes showers with no problems.  She can rinse her hair all by herself.  She begs to take showers and baths everyday.  I have to be sneaky to get a shower by myself these days.

[sapphire_chan]

Y'know when my dd's hair is the softest, most manageable, no dryness of scalp?  When she sweats a TON during her nap. So I only shampoo her hair about once a month when she's rubbed food or paint into it.

[physmom]

Originally Posted by Sfcmama 

It only took a few weeks from dd being born for me to develop the phrase "daddies do things different!" I've had many experiences like you where I would do things different or felt that dd was fussing when it could be avoided. Buuuuut, I also feel it's important for dh to feel ownership over his parenting and have the freedom to do things his own way (within reason, of course). In time, I learned that dd and dh have their own way of communicating their likes and dislikes to each other and that's more important than me having my 2 cents in about the way they do everything. It's tough but I try to remind myself that unsolicited advice is often self-serving rather than productive.

May not be what you want to hear but it may bring you more peace... Good luck!

I think that's great advice!  Something I need to listen to myself at times

FWIW we have a DD who cry no matter what at baths (if we wash her hair that is).  It's a real trial but we're in a really warm climate and her hair STINKS if we don't wash it often.  We try having her look up and everything and she just gets too worked up to do it.  We finally just bit the bullet and wash it with her screaming the entire time .  However, if we don't wash it semi-often she starts scratching it like crazy to the point that she has claw marks on her scalp so it's one battle that we have found we have to have. 

[Greenlea]

I understand his want or need to give her bath time, but like you said, why do it so excessively to make her cry or fuss?  It seems kind of mean.  It takes no time or effort to simply put your hand on her head while rinsing her hair, like I do with my son, so as not to get water or soap in her eyes.  I mean, its uncomfortable when I get water in my eyes, I don't like to do it to my son.  Could you maybe say that to him - explain how uncomfortable it may be for water to be in his eyes, surely your daughter doesn't want it in her eyes. 

Is it possible for you to do bath time, even just once to show him how easy it is to be gentle?  If he keeps it up, she's not going to want to take baths anymore.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

I would be ecstatic at my husband giving the kids a bath all by himself. 

[lifeguard]

I have to agree with pp. Let him bath her & walk away if it bugs you how he does it. Otherwise accept that you are the only one that baths her & do it yourself.

Quite frankly if dh were to make comments & suggestions on every step of the process with something I'd throw my hands up in frustration & say "you do it!".

[sapphire_chan]

Thing is, if my dh was persisting in doing something so poorly that it made dd cry and scream, I'd suspect that subconsciously he didn't actually want to do it at all and was sabotaging his own efforts.  Not intentionally, but inadvertently. And, the relationship we have, I'd call him out on it bluntly "are you trying to get out of bathing dd by making her hate baths with you? okay then, what can we do so that she doesn't end up miserable after you bathe her?" (But then, in our family if dh tried to bathe dd like you describe your dh bathing your dd, I'd have to cuddle and nurse her for hours to get her calmed down.)

Also, in our family we understand that we're not both around for every little new development in dd's life and we both contribute comments about stuff that we've observed that will make life easier. Anything from new toy preferences to new games of pretend to new words that aren't coming out clearly yet. It goes both ways, but since I'm with her about twice as much, it does tend to lean towards me giving dh the latest lesson on dd-speak.

If he's soaping her all over then his argument about adding bubble bath is nonsense.

And not being willing to just pick up a washcloth and protect her eyes?? That's like he's being mean to her because (whiny brat voice) "You can't tell me what to do!!!" (/ whiny brat voice) It's like he's sooo obsessed with doing things his way that he's not willing to be an adult and learn from your experience.

Frankly, if you don't think you can talk to him about this, I'd figure out something else they can do to bond and take care of bath time before her nap or something instead.

[Mosaic]

My DH does it that way, too. FWIW, I agree on the "clean water to rinse" bit because both of my DDs have super-sensitive skin. DD1 does get a full soap down and shampoo every other day, but she's 4.5, in daycare, and still night-wetting, so she gets grimey! We also do have to make an effort to dry her hair, though I discourage a hard rub since that just tangles the hair up. Basically, maybe he's a little overzealous in the hygiene department, but give it 6 months, a year, whatever and you might be doing the same routine, so be careful how you handle it now.

It sounds like his goal is to get her clean, so help him brainstorm ways to do that without upsetting your DD. For example, I taught DD how to lay back in the tub and "swim" on her back, which was both fun AND a great way of getting shampoo out of her hair without water in her eyes.

[princesstutu]

If this were my dh, I would talk to him about this during a time when baths are not imminent.  It sounds to me like he is choosing not to care about his daughter's feelings about this. That's what I would talk with him about. 

Sure, daddies do things differently, but we don't need to cause avoidable stress in our children just because we have our own ways of doing things.  Parenting is a relationship.  He is (inadvertently) sending the message to his child that he doesn't care about her feelings; his need to do things the way he wants them done is more important than how his child or his wife feels about it. That is a relationship issue, not a bath issue. 

So, that is the issue I think needs to be addressed.  I would not even bring up bathtime if I were discussing this with my spouse, b/c I doubt bathtime is the only time he expresses this trait. 

Good luck to you and your family!

[Hykue]

I think I might have some insight into the root of this problem, though it's possible that I'm misreading the situation.  I have to talk a bit to show where I'm coming from, we'll see if it helps!

When my dad bathed me I think he did a lot of the things you're talking about here.  I hated baths anyway, because I've always had major trouble with too-hot water and my idea of too hot is everyone else's idea of just right for a baby.  It took my parents a while to figure out that the reason their infant was crying every bathtime was because she perceived the water to be burning hot.  But they did, and I don't think I freaked out when my mom bathed me after that, even though I didn't like it.

One time when my dad was bathing me, I remember sitting in the tub and knowing I was about to get water in my eyes.  I remember the incident because I was about 3 or 4 and because it made a big impression on me.  I started crying before my dad even poured the water on my head, because I knew it would go in my eyes.  I think he was trying to get me to tilt my head back, but then when it poured in my eyes it would be stuck in my eye sockets, so I wouldn't.  He got really frustrated that I was crying even before anything happened, and he stormed out of the bathroom and freaked out and got my mom to finish bathing me.  I was immediately soothed, because she didn't get water in my eyes when she bathed me (I don't know what her method was).  Knowing my dad (especially at that time), it's very likely that had she tried to give him advice about how to keep me from crying in the tub, he would have accused her of being controlling and gotten mad at her, and furthermore not taken her advice.

I think he very much had the perspective that he was powerless to do anything to fix it, and so he just did what he thought was necessary even though it made me cry, which he hated.  He's always been really bad at taking advice and really hard on himself if he can't do something "right".  His solution to this (one I, unfortunately, learned from him) was to never admit there was a problem with anything he was doing.  In my manifestation, this includes arguing about why I can't do things a different way (like your DH saying he can't use bubble bath).

I'm not sure that your husband has this same thing going on in his mind, but it sure sounds like it to me.  I might be wrong, I definitely tend to assume everyone is like me!

I can't give advice about the practical details of bathing a kid, because I don't have one yet, but I think that's not the issue anyway (again, just my opinion).  Does it bother your husband how your daughter reacts to baths?  If he thinks that she's happy and just making a show or whatever, I don't think you can expect him to change.  On the other hand, if it bothers him that she cries during baths, then you have a way to approach this that might help.  It's not about what YOU think he should do, in fact, it's not about you at all.  It's about her, clearly, but approach him with it being about HIM.  You know he likes giving baths to your daughter and you think that that's a wonderful bonding time for them.  He seems to do a very thorough job (or whatever, find a way to tell him he's doing something well).  It seems like maybe it bothers him a little that she cries sometimes during baths.  Maybe the two of you could brainstorm some ideas about how to keep her happier during baths so she doesn't cry?  Or, if you feel like he's going to take that badly, bathe her sometimes, and ask him (as the "experienced" bather) to help you come up with ideas to keep her happy/not crying in the tub.

It really sounds like he's defensive about this to me, and I know a lot about being defensive.    I'm not sure my ideas will work, and I know it probably seems like an awful lot of effort, when he's clearly being unreasonable (just ask my long-suffering husband . . . actually he would never say it to anyone else, but I still know it's true).  However, if you want this to change, you need to change your approach, whether that's reasonable or not.  If he's feeling attacked, he will do whatever it takes to defend himself - like deny that there's a problem, deny that there's anything to be done about the problem, deny that the problem has anything to do with him, etc.  I know it seems ridiculous to a) think everything is an attack and b) deny it instead of trying to fix it, but it's really really hard to break that mindset if you're in it.  So I recommend trying to make it really clear from the outset one of the following: 1) there isn't a problem, everything is okay, but it could be just a tiny bit better, 2) he isn't the problem - he's the solution.

Incidentally, my husband has much poorer fine motor control than I do . . . I don't know if that's common, or if it's the case for your DH, but it might be worth considering that he has a really hard time being as gentle as you, or doing multiple things like holding a washcloth to her face while rinsing her hair.

Sorry, that was a super-long response, which is something I always tend to do.  If it's relevant, then maybe it can help you (maybe even in other aspects of your interactions with your husband).  If it's not relevant, sorry I wasted your time!

[Comtessa]

This was an interesting post, because I hopped on this forum today to ask my own questions about our bathtime ritual, and it occurred to me that DH would probably perceive my bathing style to be this way, too.  I'm not overzealous about soaping, but he does frequently accuse me of being rough with her about shampooing her hair. 

My DD has a LOT of hair and she's constantly smearing food into it, so we really do have to wash it, but she really hates it when we pour water over her head to rinse her.  My solution is just to get it over with fast, even if it upsets her, because then it's done and she can calm down again.  But DH sees that as disregarding her distress about it.  I just haven't figured out any other way to handle it. 

So, all of that is to say, my perspective is that she is going to hate it no matter how we do it, so we might as well just do it quickly and get it over with before she has time to build up a lot of stress about it.  But DH thinks we should be gentler and slower with her, try to make it less stressful for her.  This whole conversation is giving me a new perspective on DH's point of view.  So, thanks for that!

OP, it sounds to me like most of your DH's ideas about bathtime are different from yours, but not necessarily "wrong."  While I would also disagree with his contention that a bit of bubble bath requires a "full rinse," if he feels skeeved out by letting the soap stay on her skin after bathtime, he's just not going to be able to let it go.  If he just can't use the bubble bath, then he can't, and it's no big deal either way.  That can just be a "Mommy bathtime treat," YKWIM?  I'd say that most of these things are simply a difference in style, not something to be worth arguing about.  He has his ways of bathing her, and you have yours.  Shrug, make a cup of tea, and enjoy the peace and quiet while he's up there dealing with bathtime.  If he wants to "fluff up" her hair in the bathtub, as long as it doesn't freak her out, let him do it.  I think it's a little silly too, but it's just his way of doing things, right? 

However, I would say that there is one exception to what I wrote above.  The issue of her being distressed about water in her eyes is probably an important one to address, IMO -- because my DD is dealing with the same issue and it seems to be getting worse, not better.  (She's barely verbal, but now when we suggest a bath the first thing she does is say "wa-wa," cover her eyes, and say "ow!")  I think that this could be a really difficult issue with your DD if your DH doesn't figure out some ways to help her get over her fear/distress about water in her eyes.  I'm still working on a few things with my DD, none of which are working, but the idea of a dry washcloth on her eyes is a good one.  Why won't your DH try that, at least?  Has he tried it and doesn't think it helps?  Does he feel like he can't manage it?  Does he think her distress doesn't matter enough?  Or, like me, has he just subscribed to the notion that it's better to get it "done with" quickly? 

[Beauchamp]

Originally Posted by Comtessa 

...the idea of a dry washcloth on her eyes is a good one.  Why won't your DH try that, at least?  Has he tried it and doesn't think it helps?  Does he feel like he can't manage it?  Does he think her distress doesn't matter enough?  Or, like me, has he just subscribed to the notion that it's better to get it "done with" quickly? 

Nope. He won't try it. No idea why! Maybe because *I* suggested it? I told him it's what my mom did for me, and I, too, hated getting water in my eyes. When I got old enough, I was allowed to hold the washcloth myself and I'd tell her when I was ready for the rinse, so I had some level of control. DD is too young to do that, but I was thinking just the dry cloth would help divert some of the water, or at least the main deluge into her eyeballs. Sigh. He's just stubborn!

I think he can't come up with any other option, he doesn't want to take any suggestions from me, and that's the end of it for him. I think his own feelings about "success" and being the "experienced" bather matter more to him than DD getting upset.


I think I am just going to have to drop it for a while and let him be. Unless I keep noticing DD getting very upset, and then I will have to try some other angle, like many PPs suggested. The annoying thing is that I am NOT able to sit and enjoy a cup of tea while he bathes her. I am getting everything ready for bed--her sleeper, diaper, the lights, the music, the water cup, blankets/pillows, rinsing the dirty diaper he takes off her and *leaves on the bathroom floor*--- the whole gamut of bedtime routine stuff. And if she is upset going into the bath, or gets upset midway, he calls me in and says he needs me to help calm her down.

[Perdita_in_Ontario]

What about picking your battles? The bubble bath vs. no bubble bath wouldn't bother me so much. It might not be the way *I* do it, but whatever. The shampoo in the eyes though because he won't use a washcloth - could you gently focus on that part of the issue? Because that's something that might actually be causing your DD real distress. If you can focus on one small part ("I find that holding a washcloth over her eyes means she doesn't scream") then he may be more inclined to listen. 

[Beauchamp]

Yeah, the dry washcloth is probably the best place to start.

I've been thinking about this and I think what is bothering me at the root of the problem is that DH has a lot of idiosyncratic behaviors. He is proud to call himself "parallel and perpendicular", he likes to create elaborate routines for himself (when there is usually a (to me) more obviously easy way to get to point B) and he can be fairly negative about things and creates stress for himself (and others) And really, I've come to realize that is fine for HIM, but I do NOT want that stuff rubbing off on my DD too much.

For the longest time he didn't want me to feed her any solids (as a baby) because it was messy. (Can't you just BF her?!?) He was paranoid about mess and wiping things up. He would wipe her face and mouth after every. single. bite. Even now, if she gets food in her hair it's "oh no!! Her hair!" (which makes her touch and rub her hair more, LOL) or even worse...she gets sauce on her shirt and "it's RUINED!! Oh NO!!! Oh, great. THAT'S gonna stain!" And he is lamenting this in front of DD, and she picks up on it and starts to get upset. That's what sets me off, because IT'S JUST A SHIRT, and by the way, most of her clothes are hand-me-downs anyway!



So now she does things like freak out when she notices dirt on her hands when playing outside, and I blame my DH for giving her these ideas. I don't want her to feel like that.

[carmen358]

Originally Posted by Beauchamp 

Yeah, the dry washcloth is probably the best place to start.

I've been thinking about this and I think what is bothering me at the root of the problem is that DH has a lot of idiosyncratic behaviors. He is proud to call himself "parallel and perpendicular", he likes to create elaborate routines for himself (when there is usually a (to me) more obviously easy way to get to point B) and he can be fairly negative about things and creates stress for himself (and others) And really, I've come to realize that is fine for HIM, but I do NOT want that stuff rubbing off on my DD too much.

For the longest time he didn't want me to feed her any solids (as a baby) because it was messy. (Can't you just BF her?!?) He was paranoid about mess and wiping things up. He would wipe her face and mouth after every. single. bite. Even now, if she gets food in her hair it's "oh no!! Her hair!" (which makes her touch and rub her hair more, LOL) or even worse...she gets sauce on her shirt and "it's RUINED!! Oh NO!!! Oh, great. THAT'S gonna stain!" And he is lamenting this in front of DD, and she picks up on it and starts to get upset. That's what sets me off, because IT'S JUST A SHIRT, and by the way, most of her clothes are hand-me-downs anyway!



So now she does things like freak out when she notices dirt on her hands when playing outside, and I blame my DH for giving her these ideas. I don't want her to feel like that.
 

Is he aware of this behavior in himself? If he is, he may not be terribly fond of the behavior but it's hard to break deep rooted habits. Maybe a conversation to validate his behavior and discuss how you (and him, I'm sure) are concerned about DD being affected by it. Sort of like "I hate beans but I don't want DD to hate them just because I do." Maybe that's a bad example but it's all I can think of right now lol

[YayJennie]

We usually put bubbles in the bath and never do a rinse for my son.  And he has long hair that I wash whenever it's dirty (like when he puts food in it).  I do a similar method, where I dump water over his head then suds it up and dump more water to rinse.  And that does make him fuss a bit.  I try to be quick and efficient, and I stop if he starts to really cry, then try again when he calms down, but that's the best way I've found to wash his hair.  I don't do anything weird to it while he's in the tub, but once he's out I do a quick dry with the towel which he's not fond of, but it does need to be dried (he's got long thick curls).  If there was an easier way to get his hair washed and dried, I would certainly try it.  But the minimal amount of fuss it causes is worth the quick clean that is the result.  I don't think it's right that your husband refuses to even try other ways and insists on doing unnecessary, upsetting things for your daughter.  But I don't think his methods are necessarily wrong.  It definitely sounds like a problem in his kind of OCD mindset though.  I hope you can talk to him and help him with it.  I would also be worried about it rubbing off on your daughter in unhealthy ways.

[candelaria80]

Have you seen this?

Rinse Cup

The yellow portion of the cup is flexible rubber and forms to the child's forehead.  We love it!  It kind of solves both issues (your DH can rinse thoroughly and it protects your LO's eyes.)

[hildare]

the rinse cup like candelaria suggested, or can you guys get a shower head attachment?  they're not that pricey, and your dh or even your child could rinse everything that way, bubbles or no, shampoo or no.