be forewarned, this might be long and scatter brained...
I have two personalities- my L&D nurse/see what bad can sometimes happen/have medically oriented peers/ not totally into HB husband and my crunchy/no vaxing/ no circing/cloth diapering/homebirth wannabe side. I come home and pour over Birthing From Within and forums like this and feel sure that I can do a hb if I could get DH on board. Then I go to work and occasionally see the complications that can happen with even normal deliveries and makes me feel like I'd be more comfortable in the hospital. How, OH HOW, do I choose!!!
Background- DS will be 23ish months when LO is born. My labor with DS was 6 hrs only, delivered in the hospital, with epidural, not unpleasant but not amazing. I was GBS positive and only got 1 dose because I was only there for 3 hrs before delivery. I'm completely low risk, normal BMI, no complications whatsoever. After DS was born I lamented about having the epidural for months because I really didn't want one but I think because I work there, they expected that I should know what I wanted. I didn't tell anyone I didn't want an epidural because I didn't want to look like a failure if I ended up with one after saying I didn't want one. I labored at home for 3 hrs, was 5cm/100% when I got there, was complete 2 hrs later then pushed for an hour. This time, everyone will know that they will be strangled if they do anything but help me deliver without an epidural. I'm not the kind of person to use a doula, I would need someone I know personally.
anyway... Im seeing my OB and I know this is totally chicken, but if I was able to talk DH into a homebirth, I think the way I would keep my work side from judging me (which Im scared of) would be to continue OB care as if I was going to deliver in the hospital and just pay a midwife out of pocket to do the home del then go to the hospital like it was an accident.
I know it's totally gutless but it just all feels so complicated still. I'm 17 weeks so I have some time to think about it. I dont have a large pool of midwives to choose from so maybe I should try to start there and see if I can even find one that I like first.
If you got this far, thank you for reading! Any advice or guidance is very appreciated!!
PS how does one start to look for a midwife anyway? the only one I know of that is also the closest, I'm not fond of.