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final chapter of the saga in post #108 (was "really conflicted about homebirth and need advice") - Page 2

post #21 of 120

Jenica, I'm glad you talked with your DH!  My hubby was real uncomfortable with the idea of homebirth for a while.  It was watching "The Business of Being Born" that really changed his thinking.  We're both still dealing with our fears b/c we don't really have a lot of friends who birth this way, and every once in a while I think about trying and finding an OB who will support my choices.  For me, the hospital just has too many negative "knowns" and too many "unknowns."  I wish I felt better about it all.  I hope that you're feeling good about where you are with planning your birth . . . and well, you've still got time to think about it some more if you need to revisit it.

post #22 of 120

Best of luck to you either way.

 

If you're still considering options, I'd let DH know I totally understand his view. Why not be in the hossy "JUST IN CASE" is such an easy thing to think - especially given the American views of birth we were raised with. AND... I won't deny the fact that there are some (RARE) complications where being in the hospital to begin with would have been better. BUT... there are also some (LESS RARE) situations where the hospital CAUSED a problem, such as a hospital-acquired infection!

 

So as I like to say, I don't think it's a "do it just in case" sort of thing the way wearing a helmet when you ride a motorcycle is. Riding a motorcycle without a helmet is risky and stupid. The helmet should be worn "just in case" because it adds a lot of safety with basically ZERO health risks. But the same can NOT be said about birthing in the hospital (i.e. you can't say it has zero risks of it's own.) I feel the same way about accepting antibiotics for being GBS positive.

 

(Incidentally, my MW says eating fermented foods & probiotics helps about 90% of her clients test GBS negative! For the positive ones, her homeopathic doc has been able to reverse it! I think antibiotics for GBS+ WITHOUT anther risk factor is overkill & hibiclens wash is a good alternative. The risk-based protocol in the UK makes more sense to me.)

 

So I definitely think it's appropriate to empathize with DH, let him know you find his view totally understandable, but ask him to simply open his mind and give it a few weeks consideration. Look at the facts, see if he couldn't come around. Sounds like he is not dead-set against it, so I think this is a reasonable request. I personally wasn't comfortable with HB at first either with my DS, but soon after his birth, I was. Ha - so in my case, DH had lots of warning that baby #2 was to be HB! :)

 

BTW, I don't see anything wrong with not wanting to tell your co-workers your plans! Totally understandable. Reminds me of how we're not telling our parents for several reasons - one is just that I don't want the stress & really don't want the comments if I DO transfer, "THANK GOD you transferred in time! OH what would have happened if you didn't transfer?!"

(the implication being.... "I can't believe you even tried to stay home in the first place, you wack-job." Yeah, don't need that!!

post #23 of 120
Thread Starter 

I'm curious what your choices are.  Some mamas on here were really good at helping me think of WHY I want to hb and it was a really hard question for me to answer.  My OB will do what ever I want her to but I dont really know what those things are.  I'm watching Orgasmic Birth at this mintue, and I think it's mostly that I want to be able to move and eat and do what ever I need to do.  I want to be able to yell or not or what ever and not feel inhibited at all.  However, without DH fully on board, I feel like that would be more inhibiting than having a coworker around.  Since I work there, I get to pick who the nurse taking care of me is, and even be able to have someone come in just for me.  With DS I dont remember feeling inhibited birthing at all, but I did feel inhibited in voicing my inner needs, like I really didn't want an epidural.  I thought about it for probably 4-6 months after DS was born, about how I really didn't want epidural, how I wanted to know that I could do it.  I had 4-5 acquaintences who had natural births within a few months after I delivered and I was seriously jealous.  I just couldn't stop thinking about it- every night!  
I know I can have a natural delivery in the hospital and it would likely go totally fine.  If we do ultimately decide to deliver in the hospital I'll stay at home until the very last minute and hope not to delver in the car on the way there.  Just not quite as calm and peaceful as being at home. ;)  DH isn't exactly comfortable with the whole birthing process anyway so he's not going to be the dad like on this movie that's making out with me through contractions or squeezing my hips- he's the dad like the girl being induced in the hospital who is patting her and looking uncomfortable.  He'd need to be outside pruning bushes while I had someone with me.  He was great through the whole thing with DS, he was right there while I was pushing, he couldn't stop smiling, and was really interested but I think it was because I had an epidural.  Maybe this time I'll hire a doula and that will take some pressure off him.

So we'll see.  I think I will be revisiting it even though when he said he'd be uncomfortable I quit obsessing about it.  If I just didn't work there, I think I would push DH a lot more, but with the whole working there twist, I'm a lot less committed.  UGH!

Quote:
Originally Posted by labortrials View Post

Jenica, I'm glad you talked with your DH!  My hubby was real uncomfortable with the idea of homebirth for a while.  It was watching "The Business of Being Born" that really changed his thinking.  We're both still dealing with our fears b/c we don't really have a lot of friends who birth this way, and every once in a while I think about trying and finding an OB who will support my choices.  For me, the hospital just has too many negative "knowns" and too many "unknowns."  I wish I felt better about it all.  I hope that you're feeling good about where you are with planning your birth . . . and well, you've still got time to think about it some more if you need to revisit it.
 

post #24 of 120

if you do go to the hospital, hiring a doula sounds like a great idea. that way at the very least you would have someone talking to you beforehand and helping you make the decisions about what you want beforehand. 

 

personally, if I had a choice I wouldn't give birth at my place of work. if you're giving birth in front of strangers you don't have to worry about what they think because you won't be seeing them again. 

post #25 of 120
Thread Starter 

So today I watched Orgasmic Birth.  I'm in the middle of reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and just got done with Birthing from Within.  Now I'm all excited about homebirth again.  Before I couldn't picture where in the house I would deliver except that I wanted to fill the not working hot tub and use that as my water.  Now I can imagine delivering outside in the hot tub, or in a tub the kitchen area where its really open and has a really nice view of the mountains (I better have this baby during daylight!). 

I also got to thinking that the reason why I was so quick to give up on the whole thing when DH said he would be uncomfortable with it was because I was/am so conflicted about telling my coworkers and breaking up with my OB, whom I like and work with.  This might be our last baby so I do really want to have the birth I want (and DH is OK with).  And I also think that if DH was on board and I was SURE thats what I wanted to do, Id just get over it and transfer to a midwife.  They'll talk about me and give me S*#^ for the next 20 weeks but they'll get over it and if I was really convicted, it wouldn't be too hard for me to put up with it.  I dont have super thin skin, although how they'll all react is really making me think...

post #26 of 120
*
Edited by maotmsmi - 5/21/11 at 10:22am
post #27 of 120
Thread Starter 

So I guess DH is more against it than I thought. I brought it up again tonight so we could watch TBOBB or Orgasmic Birth and he doesn't even want to have it. He's still really worried about complications and being more than 20 mins from the hospital. He's not really one for statistics or the like, I guess he's more old school. He's got all the main stream thoughts that most people have. I was worried about what my coworkers would say but I guess DH is in the same boat as them :(

So I guess it's labor until the last minute then head to the hossy.  Or labor at home and miss the hossy... How bad would it be to plan a UC without DH's consent??  Seriously, would it be horrible or should I just plan to head to the hospital?

post #28 of 120

well, if you planned a UC, would you still be planning on going to the hospital after? cause Husband's who have a UC forced on them tend to call 911. 

post #29 of 120
Mamahen2coop ~ Whether you decide to go with your heart and have a home birth or deliver your baby in a hospital, I HIGHLY recommend you take this childbirth prep class. I guarantee by the end of the 2 day workshop, your husband will be smooching on you :0)
http://www.pattiramos.com/workshopregistration.html
post #30 of 120
I think your husband's feelings towards homebirth are not that unusual. I know that's exactly what my DH was like at the beginning also and now he is telling people how he used to think homebirth was crazy but the more he learns about it, the more sense it makes. smile.gif What really seemed to help him is talking to our midwife about it, she clearly laid out both pros and cons of homebirth and which things are more and less likely to happen (i.e. catastrophic event happening at home vs. infection happening in the hospital). I think it was really good for him to hear it from someone other than me, esp. someone considered a professional in the field. Then he did some more research, we took a prenatal class with a natural angle (non-hospital based) and it all started to come together.
post #31 of 120
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by douladianne View Post

Mamahen2coop ~ Whether you decide to go with your heart and have a home birth or deliver your baby in a hospital, I HIGHLY recommend you take this childbirth prep class. I guarantee by the end of the 2 day workshop, your husband will be smooching on you :0)
http://www.pattiramos.com/workshopregistration.html
 

Those workshops look great!  We'll sign up for one for sure!  Thanks for all your resources!

 

15 mins later- ETA I just signed up for the Labor tools and techniques class. :)
 

 



Quote:
Originally Posted by Ola_ View Post

I think your husband's feelings towards homebirth are not that unusual. I know that's exactly what my DH was like at the beginning also and now he is telling people how he used to think homebirth was crazy but the more he learns about it, the more sense it makes. smile.gif What really seemed to help him is talking to our midwife about it, she clearly laid out both pros and cons of homebirth and which things are more and less likely to happen (i.e. catastrophic event happening at home vs. infection happening in the hospital). I think it was really good for him to hear it from someone other than me, esp. someone considered a professional in the field. Then he did some more research, we took a prenatal class with a natural angle (non-hospital based) and it all started to come together.


Maybe I'll call the midwife and set up a meeting in a week or two just to have him feel it out as one last shot.  Do they typically do a meeting like that?  If after that he's still anti, I'll just plan to go to the hospital and be fine with it.  Last night DS woke me up in the middle of the night so I was up for a while and thinking of all the things Im going to ask my OB to do while we're in the hospital like let me deliver in what ever position feels best, waiting to cut the cord, no IV pitocin afterward, etc. I'm sure she'll just smile and say OK because that's how she is.

 


Edited by mamahen2coop - 3/1/11 at 9:19am
post #32 of 120

Oh the flip flopping emotions, eh?  Quite a ride.  I've so been there, girl.  And I sympathize for your DH and where he is with all of this at the moment.  I would tell him that you understand his hesitance, but that he at least needs to watch these movies with you.  He needs to do that for and with you.  He needs to form an educated opinion about homebirth even if ultimately it's too much for him.  At least that's my opinion and was my minimal expectation back in the day when he was set against homebirth.  It's absolutely reasonable that he would dig in his heels at first, but I don't think it's reasonable for anyone to stay there w/o even exploring the possibility.

 

You're a great candidate for homebirth, but I also think you'll do just fine at the hospital since you can make the system work better for you.

 

You were asking me about my choices in an earlier post?  I'm not sure what you want to know, but essentially, I don't trust that I can have a successful birth in the hospital, and even though ACOG has revised its VBAC guidelines, most OBs here are not supporting women who want to have a VBAC after 2 cesareans.  And I don't want to be fighting hospital protocols while I'm trying to have my one and only vaginal birth.  I guess that's it in a nutshell.

post #33 of 120

It is common to do a meet and greet with a midwife.

 

I wanted to respond because my hubby wasn't thrilled with planning a homebirth. My hubby is rather mainstream. Our first was in the hospital and it was a typical hospital birth. For our second, I decided I really wanted to homebirth. I wasn't sure how he was going to be during labor/birth. He was great! He was much better support during this labor than my first which I mostly credit to getting him to watch Orgasmic Birth. Unfortunately we ended up transferring (long labor, suspected posterior baby). The surprising thing is that he is game for attempting another homebirth if we have another child and if we can afford it. I really expected him to say "no way, no how" so I think he's really come around.

post #34 of 120

Jenica - from reading all of your posts, it sounds to me like in your heart you really want to HB. But since you have reservations about the judgments people will make, your DH being initially opposed made your decision easier for you. Because of that, I think you haven't tried to convince him why he should seriously consider homebirth. Now, I'm not saying that you need to do that. If you feel at peace with a hossy birth, then there's no need. But it doesn't sound like you do feel at peace with a hossy birth.

 

I think lots of other moms will tell you this - homebirth is not something that DHs accept / get on board with over night.

 

I really wanted a homebirth with #2, but DH was flat-out against it. We were living with a relative at the time. Our compromise in the end was that I would have a natural hossy birth for #2, but that whenever we had our own house, I could have a homebirth. So when we got pregnant with DD about 6 months after buying our house, DH basically knew what as coming. He still didn't love the idea, but he knew we had agreed on it and wasn't going to argue with me.

 

We actually ended up UCing with DD. DH LOVED it! He loves to tell everyone about her birth and how he delivered her. But it took him a really long time to get to that place.

 

I think, first things first, you should come to terms truly with what you want, even if it might not be how things work out. If what you truly want is a homebirth, you should accept that, even if you know you might go to the hossy anyway. Accepting your own feelings is step #1.

 

However, like you said, going with what you want with your DH not on board might not be something you are willing to do (some women are, some aren't - I don't think I'd be okay if DH wasn't on board). So once you have accepted your own wishes, then you can start working on your DH.

 

He, like most people, assumes that the hospital is like a helmet in the analogy pp gave. But like she said, it isn't an adept analogy. There are real RISKS to hospital birth, and we often forget that. Your DH needs educated, in small increments over time about what the risks of the hospital are and about what the risks during labor / birth are. We tend to think Mom could die, baby could die! But, really, something happens that causes death. What are those things? They need quantified. How are those things addressed at home? At the hospital? What is the procedure for transport? Etc, etc.

 

Personally, I would tell DH that you respect his feelings, but this is a decision of two people and you are one of them. If he is willing to actually listen to you and consider the real pros and cons that is fine. What is not fine is for him to shut you down and not even listen to any real info. It is wrong of him to pass of your wants / concerns because it's "scary" or "dangerous" without ever really and seriously considering the truth of why he *feels* that way.

post #35 of 120
Jenica...I'm so glad you got signed up for Patti's class! I would definitely spend time doing a no-obligation consultation with a couple different midwives. I think a lot of the hesitancy on the part of Dad is due to either misinformation or lack of and sometimes all it takes is a good discussion with a midwife (or another home birth dad!) Maybe he feels too much pressure would be on him at a home birth. If that's the case, hire a doula. Of course, I recommend having a doula regardless but I'm a little biased :0)

You're making decisions that are aiming toward the birth you desire...I'm excited to watch it unfold over the next several months!
post #36 of 120
Thread Starter 


 


hug2.gifThanks!! I was just about to take Orgasmic Birth down to the mailbox, but maybe I'll make him watch it tonight... for me. 

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by klemomma View Post

Jenica - from reading all of your posts, it sounds to me like in your heart you really want to HB. But since you have reservations about the judgments people will make, your DH being initially opposed made your decision easier for you. Because of that, I think you haven't tried to convince him why he should seriously consider homebirth. Now, I'm not saying that you need to do that. If you feel at peace with a hossy birth, then there's no need. But it doesn't sound like you do feel at peace with a hossy birth.

 

I think lots of other moms will tell you this - homebirth is not something that DHs accept / get on board with over night.

 

I really wanted a homebirth with #2, but DH was flat-out against it. We were living with a relative at the time. Our compromise in the end was that I would have a natural hossy birth for #2, but that whenever we had our own house, I could have a homebirth. So when we got pregnant with DD about 6 months after buying our house, DH basically knew what as coming. He still didn't love the idea, but he knew we had agreed on it and wasn't going to argue with me.

 

We actually ended up UCing with DD. DH LOVED it! He loves to tell everyone about her birth and how he delivered her. But it took him a really long time to get to that place.

 

I think, first things first, you should come to terms truly with what you want, even if it might not be how things work out. If what you truly want is a homebirth, you should accept that, even if you know you might go to the hossy anyway. Accepting your own feelings is step #1.

 

However, like you said, going with what you want with your DH not on board might not be something you are willing to do (some women are, some aren't - I don't think I'd be okay if DH wasn't on board). So once you have accepted your own wishes, then you can start working on your DH.

 

He, like most people, assumes that the hospital is like a helmet in the analogy pp gave. But like she said, it isn't an adept analogy. There are real RISKS to hospital birth, and we often forget that. Your DH needs educated, in small increments over time about what the risks of the hospital are and about what the risks during labor / birth are. We tend to think Mom could die, baby could die! But, really, something happens that causes death. What are those things? They need quantified. How are those things addressed at home? At the hospital? What is the procedure for transport? Etc, etc.

 

Personally, I would tell DH that you respect his feelings, but this is a decision of two people and you are one of them. If he is willing to actually listen to you and consider the real pros and cons that is fine. What is not fine is for him to shut you down and not even listen to any real info. It is wrong of him to pass of your wants / concerns because it's "scary" or "dangerous" without ever really and seriously considering the truth of why he *feels* that way.



 

post #37 of 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by klemomma View Post

I think lots of other moms will tell you this - homebirth is not something that DHs accept / get on board with over night.

 

yeahthat.gif

 

It took my DH quite a while to get on board with HB and the worries, risks and preceived stigma about it. He is a very conservative guy.  Even after we decided to HB, I think DH was never 100% on board until the very end of the pregnancy (after he was much better educated on HB). However, now, he couldn't be more proud that he caught his daughter and his DW had an HB.  Let's face it, DHs are not typically going to watch all the movies and read all the books (at least not most of them) like we do.  But they may read short emailed articles and watch a few minutes of a movie and over time, they may ebrace the whole HB experience. 

post #38 of 120
Thread Starter 

I told DH that I didn't feel like he was giving it a fair shot.  I asked that he just watch a couple videos, since I cant see him curling up with a book on the subject, and that he meet with the midwife.  If after that he still has reservations or doesn't want to, I would drop the subject completely and deliver in the hospital.   So yesterday DH watched Orgasmic Birth and he said he'd watch TBOBB today.thumbsup.gif   And...We have a consult appt with the midwife on Monday!! joy.gif

 

We haven't had time to talk about what he thought about Orgasmic Birth yet so I figured I'd wait until after he watched TBOBB.  When I talked to the midwife she said he has a spiel that she gives that answers most of people's questions.  I'm really excited to go meet her and see if this could be a possibility- I felt giddy after I made the appt.  I told her that really MY only reservation is a social reason (LAME-O I know!) but that DH is skeptical and she said we could talk about it and see if hb could be for us. Then I thought about HOW I would break up with my OB and that made me anxious.  but, if DH does a 180 and gets on board, I cant very well chicken out just because I'm scared of what my OB will say.  SO... we'll see!!  

post #39 of 120

Cool.  Sounds promising!  I'll be interested to know what he thought about both movies. 

post #40 of 120

Good luck with making your decision!  It can be so conflicting, especially when so few people are really educated about home birth, and the majority of what you hear about it is that it's dangerous, irresponsible, etc.  I'm in a similar situation - my Mom is a medical-minded RN, with 35 years of OB/NICU experience.  Since she's seen every worse-case scenario in the book in the NICU, if I choose home birth, it'll be a LOT of work convincing her that I'm making a responsible choice.  (She tends to forget that lots of worse-case scenarios are preterm births or high-risk patients, which wouldn't be the case with a homebirth.  And other worse-case scenarios can't be prevented even with a hospital birth.)

My husband is more open to the idea, but we'll be doing a lot of educating ourselves before he'll be comfortable with the idea of HB.

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