What to do when smokers want to hold baby?

[mra]

My MIL is coming to visit this weekend. She is absolutely wonderful and I can't wait for her to come meet Julia for the first time. She is also very excited. However, she smokes. Yuck! She never smokes in the house, but I'm concerned about the smoke residue on her hands and clothes.

I told my husband that he will have to have a talk with her on the way home from the airport. I'm adamant that she wash her hands after smoking, before she touches Julia. My husband agrees with me on that.

I also feel that she should change her shirt after smoking because Julia will be up against it when she is holding her. My husband thinks that is a bit much.

Am I overreacting? I don't want to cause a stir, but I don't want Julia exposed to the cigarette chemicals.

[hippiemum21580]

I am a smoker myself and I absolutly agree with you! When I was a non smoker I could smell the smoke on my baby when my smoking mother in law would hold her. She did smoke outside and would wash her hands but it was still on her clothes. I babysit at times for my friends baby daughter and I do wash my hands AND put on a fresh shirt after I smoke before I hold her. Its a disgusting habit I am working on quitting and those chemicals and poisons have no place near children!

[Knitting Mama]

I don't think you're overreacting at all.

[sosurreal09]

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/35318118/ns/health-addictions/

I think it is important too.

[Terrilein]

I wish more Germans would think like this! My DP's father smokes and his house smells like an ashtray. He does make a point of not smoking inside when the grandkids come around and he tries to air out the living areas as much as possible. But still, it's one huge ashtray. And no one in the family thinks anything of it. So we have to go visit when he invites us over and I was very nearly physically ill yesterday. DD's father is the same way: smokes in his car and appartment. Poor girl REEKS when she comes home from spending the weekend with him. I have exactly ZERO say in the matter. But still, Germany has always been 10 years behind the US in these things. Only recently has smoking in bars and restaurants been severely restricted to smoking clubs only. So I guess when the kids are grown and off to college there might be a change of mind over here.

[MoonStarFalling]

I would ask for a clean shirt as well. The residue is bad for babies not to mention it will make your baby smell bad.

[tzs]

fact is...officially if you are working with babies and smoke, you are actually usually required to change your shirt as well after smoking. 

but it's so tough when it's your personal life. my FIL smokes a pipe and smells like a chimeny. it was so hard to hand over my hours old babe to him in the hospital but although it sounds fine in theory, how do you tell your FIL that he needs to have a change of clothes? it just isn't happening with that guy. add to that dh smokes as well...alot...so in the end i just sucked it up and chalked it up to another of those environmental hazards that dd would be exposed to. not my proudest moment but it was a choice between alienating dh from his daughter, making him feel like crap....or just sucking it up

[Annie Mac]

http://www.cbc.ca/news/health/story/2009/01/06/smoking-third.html

I don't think you're overreacting at all. She's a brand new baby! And science backs you up on this one.

[P.J.]

I'm with Terrilein, here in Germany it is a whole other story and smoker's rights very often trump the right to breathe fresh air. People smoke all over the streets and I have had to walk with DS through clouds of smoke before, and I realize that although I can hold my breath not to inhale it, he will not. It sucks, big time.

But to the question: I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her to wash her hands and have a special shirt she smokes in outside and a clean one for when she's inside with the baby. Show her the articles cited here and just be matter of fact about it. Depending where you are in the US, she should be well aware of the inappropriateness and social unaceptability of smoking, and this is in that category. Hopefully she won't make a fuss about it.

[PatioGardener]

Yes - definitely have a smoking shirt/jacket that is removed (and left outside? in the garage or hallway?) when she enters the house. Not over-reacting at all! This also may be a great time for MIL to decide to think about quitting, your baby may be the catalyst!

[mra]

Not over-reacting at all! This also may be a great time for MIL to decide to think about quitting, your baby may be the catalyst!

That would be nice, but I doubt it. : ( She watches my SIL's two kids in and hasn't quit yet.

I'm with Terrilein, here in Germany it is a whole other story and smoker's rights very often trump the right to breathe fresh air.

I think that goes for all of Europe! I went to Europe early in my pregnancy and felt so sick while walking around because of the smoke clouds I had to walk through! Germany was much better than France, Spain and Italy though! I had to laugh at the "smoking boxes" or whatever you call them at the airports. They were always jammed with people. Gross!

[Rach]

My nephew was born with a heart condition. At the time, his dad worked at a place that allowed smokers, so often he came home smelling strongly of smoke. The doctors told him he had to wash his hands and change his shirt before holding the baby and not let the baby touch his hair. This rule was for all smoking relatives, too. I know his heart condition made it more serious, but I don't think it's unreasonable at all, even with a healthy baby.

[dex_millie]

I don't think your overreacting at all. The baby will be snuggle up on that shirt smelling in all the residue..not good at all. I just gave birth Feb. 5th and one day DH was holding him and when I took him back he was smelling strong of cologne and I know how I feel when I smell cologne strong..we felt so bad that he was inhaling that. So even for things like cologne and perfume..depending on how strong it is, I even try not to expose him to be nose deep in it.

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

I am going to be the sole voice of dissent.  Well, sort of.  I totally agree with the washing of hands and in theory, I agree with the changing shirt thing.  However, I don't know your MIL and I don't know if this type of request has the potential to cause a rift.  My MIL doesn't smoke, but she SMOTHERS herself with perfume.  I hate it when my baby stinks of her gross perfume, but the alternative is to come right out and tell her that I really want her to not wear perfume anytime she sees us.  I have dropped hints, and nothing.  MIL is super sensitive and a request like this would very likely cause hurt feelings and drive us even further apart (I struggle with being close with her as it is). I also failed to address this early on, and now DD is 10 months old, so if I tell her now, she will know that I have been obsessing over it for 10 months.  I've decided to just let it go. Exposure to perfume for a couple of hours a week is not ideal, but damaging my and DD's relationship with MIL would be a whole lot worse. So yeah, definitely explain your concerns to MIL and make sure she washes up as much as possible, but try not to make her feel like a second class citizen for being a smoker. 

[Partaria]

Totally not overreacting! Years ago, when my first nephew was born, I was a smoker. I was the only family in town, and my brother and his wife frequently reached out to me to babysit, which I loved. But my sis in law was very up front with me about the fact that, even though I never smoked in their home, the cigarette smell on me really bothered her, and she didn't want it near the babe. She asked that I not only wash hands, but change my shirt as well, and I had zero problem with that.

I think most smokers can't really defend their habit as being unharmful. :) I knew how awful it was and that it had no place anywhere near my nephew. Granted I was still addicted for several more years after that, but yeah - I felt no need to argue with my sis in law about it.

[mra]

Exposure to perfume for a couple of hours a week is not ideal, but damaging my and DD's relationship with MIL would be a whole lot worse. So yeah, definitely explain your concerns to MIL and make sure she washes up as much as possible, but try not to make her feel like a second class citizen for being a smoker.

That's why I'm making my husband tell her!  ; )

If she were only visiting for a few hours it would be fine, I probably would just ask her to wash her hands. But she will be here for 9 days, so she will most likely want to hold Julia a lot.

[Knitting Mama]

Honestly, to me, perfume and smoke are totally, totally different. If you have a sensitive nose or allergies, perfume might bother you. But secondhand and thirdhand smoke causes problems for everyone.

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cecilia's Mama 

Honestly, to me, perfume and smoke are totally, totally different. If you have a sensitive nose or allergies, perfume might bother you. But secondhand and thirdhand smoke causes problems for everyone.

Totally true, and I certainly don't advocate smoking immediately before holding a baby - I just know that these types of things can blow up into even bigger issues if not handled delicately.  

[eclipse]

Maybe instead of asking her to change, you could aske her to wear a jacket or something over her clothes and remove it before coming back in? I think that would go over better than asking her to change every time.

[tzs]

Originally Posted by 1stTimeMama4-4-10 

Quote:

Totally true, and I certainly don't advocate smoking immediately before holding a baby - I just know that these types of things can blow up into even bigger issues if not handled delicately.  

that's why i never made it an issue with FIL. he is very defensive and can hold quite the grudge and after having 5 other grandkids with his daughter never making it an issue, if i had made that request, not only would i be the "nervous amateur idiot new mom" but he would probably choose just not to engage at all. and having dh ask him certainly wouldn;t work since he is very defensive about his own smoking and thinks it's overreacting. very stubborn family we've got here.