What to do when smokers want to hold baby? - Page 2

[Annie Mac]

Originally Posted by Cecilia's Mama 

Honestly, to me, perfume and smoke are totally, totally different. If you have a sensitive nose or allergies, perfume might bother you. But secondhand and thirdhand smoke causes problems for everyone.

http://www.preventcancer.com/consumers/cosmetics/fragrances.htm

This isn't really true, although it's a commonly held belief (go PR!). Perfumes are made of many, many things that the perfume industry does not have to disclose. Some of those things are perfectly fine, but many aren't: carcinogens, respiratory irritants, etc. They affect everyone too, just not right away and it's not as commonly understood as the danger of cigarettes. I wouldn't want my newborn snuggling into a shirt covered with Chanel No. 5 (or whatever) anymore than a smoky shirt.

[kathymuggle]

Originally Posted by Cecilia's Mama 

Honestly, to me, perfume and smoke are totally, totally different. If you have a sensitive nose or allergies, perfume might bother you. But secondhand and thirdhand smoke causes problems for everyone.

Not entirely.  Perfume will give me a headache and make me naseous.

I think it is fine to tell her you have decided that all smokers need to change shirts before holding the baby or have a sweater/coat handy for them to put on when they go outside to smoke.  If they wore a coat would the smoke penetrate through to the shirt???

I do not think it is over the top at all.  

Kathy

[scrandall1173]

Not sure if this was said yet, but I just have my mom wash her hands and then put a blanket between her clothing and the baby.

It's an uncomfortable position to be in, I know. Best wishes with your mil.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by 1stTimeMama4-4-10 

I am going to be the sole voice of dissent.  Well, sort of.  I totally agree with the washing of hands and in theory, I agree with the changing shirt thing.  However, I don't know your MIL and I don't know if this type of request has the potential to cause a rift.  My MIL doesn't smoke, but she SMOTHERS herself with perfume.  I hate it when my baby stinks of her gross perfume, but the alternative is to come right out and tell her that I really want her to not wear perfume anytime she sees us.  I have dropped hints, and nothing.  MIL is super sensitive and a request like this would very likely cause hurt feelings and drive us even further apart (I struggle with being close with her as it is). I also failed to address this early on, and now DD is 10 months old, so if I tell her now, she will know that I have been obsessing over it for 10 months.  I've decided to just let it go. Exposure to perfume for a couple of hours a week is not ideal, but damaging my and DD's relationship with MIL would be a whole lot worse. So yeah, definitely explain your concerns to MIL and make sure she washes up as much as possible, but try not to make her feel like a second class citizen for being a smoker. 

I have to say, I kind of agree with this. I do think smoke is absolutely disgusting & dangerous, but I also think you really need to consider the personality of the smoker to some extent and whether this would cause a huge 'thing'. I also think it depends how frequently you are going to be seeing MIL... Most of the studies I've read on third-hand smoke focus on routine, frequent exposure... I don't know how "bad" a short-term exposure would be in an otherwise healthy child.

My MIL smokes but we only see her once every other month or so for a few hours. In the beginning, she actually smoked IN THE HOUSE when we were there with DS!!! I didn't say a word, just took DS outside & made up some dumb excuse. Her second grandchild (my nephew) was born several months later and apparently that knocked some sense into her so at least now she (and any other smokers that happen to be there) smoke outside now. But I kind of had to decide that keeping peace in the family was more important than avoiding a few hours of third-hand smoke exposure. But if we started seeing them more etc. then I might make a very different decision!

[karanyavel]

I grew up around smokers and have many smoking relatives, plus I tend to be pretty lassez-faire  about a lot of things, so I'd personally insist on handwashing but not changing clothes. In my experience, hair absorbs smoke more than clothing does, and you can't really ask her to wash her hair every time she smokes. Of course, any reduction in exposure is better, and as others have mentioned, there's the possibility of causing a rift. In the end, I think having access to a grandparent is more important than any risk from occasional exposure to "third-hand" smoke. I'd personally be fine with smoking outdoors and washing hands afterwards. (I do change my own shirt.)

That said, I *don't* think you're being unreasonable. The child is yours and you are perfectly free to place any restrictions on access to her that you please. You are her parent and you make the rules. It's probably an unpopular viewpoint but I don't think anyone is *entitled* to contact with your child except for her parents and (if applicable) minor siblings. Your kid, your call. But I'm a hardass about some things, even if I don't worry about exposure to XYZ (whether it's a little third-hand smoke, perfume, TV, processed food, whatever). Most people would probably think I'm too restrictive in other ways, like I don't allow my in-laws to spend time alone with my kids when they're very young and I

Do what you feel is right, and naysayers (as in your in-laws, if they disagree -- not posters here) be damned. But I'd personally value contact with a grandparent over whether they had some smoke residue on their clothes, if it came down to that. Assuming the grandparent is otherwise awesome, anyway. I do think that once you've made a decision about this, you should absolutely stick to your guns. But I'm extremely stubborn, so....

--K

[crystal_buffaloe]

My MIL and FIL both smoke (always outside the home). They visited when DD was 2 weeks old and they absolutely had to wash hands and either wear a coat or change shirts before they could hold the baby. (So clearly I don't think you're over-reacting.) I think having your DH discuss it with her privately is a great idea and I also think being upfront about it now is a great idea. Sure, they can pass it off as new-mom overprotectiveness, but it's a lot easier to have this be the rule from the get-go than to get stricter later on, IYKWIM.

[Terrilein]

It's great to hear just how many family members are willing to go the distance by washing their hands, putting on a different shirt/jacket before holding the baby. I think it's great that apparently everybody knows and accept the fact that third hand smoke/crud is just as harmful as second hand smoke. In Germany I have rarely even heard the term third hand smoke anywhere at all. I mentioned it to my DP and he just laughed as if I made it up. It's not common knowledge or common sense here yet. I really envy this about you ladies in the US!

[kathymuggle]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 


I have to say, I kind of agree with this. I do think smoke is absolutely disgusting & dangerous, but I also think you really need to consider the personality of the smoker to some extent and whether this would cause a huge 'thing'. I also think it depends how frequently you are going to be seeing MIL... Most of the studies I've read on third-hand smoke focus on routine, frequent exposure... I don't know how "bad" a short-term exposure would be in an otherwise healthy child.

My MIL smokes but we only see her once every other month or so for a few hours. In the beginning, she actually smoked IN THE HOUSE when we were there with DS!!! I didn't say a word, just took DS outside & made up some dumb excuse. Her second grandchild (my nephew) was born several months later and apparently that knocked some sense into her so at least now she (and any other smokers that happen to be there) smoke outside now. But I kind of had to decide that keeping peace in the family was more important than avoiding a few hours of third-hand smoke exposure. But if we started seeing them more etc. then I might make a very different decision!

Age is a factor, though.  I would not insist someone change clothes to play with my 4 year old, but I would for a newborn.  Newborns tend to rest very close to shirts, and might sleep there for awhile.

Moreover, I tend to think newborns are a bit more fragile than the rest of us - same amount of third hand smoke, 10 pound baby...hmmm.

I may be biased - my 3rd child had lung issues (she was prone to pneumonia - knock wood she has not had pneumonia in almost 2 years).  Being in a smoker home did affect her - although it took us a bit of time to figure it out. I would do anything to avoid more bouts of pneumonia.  Of course your baby might not have lung issues (probably won't) but lots of kids do have asthma, allergies or are pneumonia prone...you just don't know with a newborn and I would not risk it.

Change of shirt it is.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by kathymuggle 

Age is a factor, though.  I would not insist someone change clothes to play with my 4 year old, but I would for a newborn.  Newborns tend to rest very close to shirts, and might sleep there for awhile.

Moreover, I tend to think newborns are a bit more fragile than the rest of us - same amount of third hand smoke, 10 pound baby...hmmm.

I may be biased - my 3rd child had lung issues (she was prone to pneumonia - knock wood she has not had pneumonia in almost 2 years).  Being in a smoker home did affect her - although it took us a bit of time to figure it out. I would do anything to avoid more bouts of pneumonia.  Of course your baby might not have lung issues (probably won't) but lots of kids do have asthma, allergies or are pneumonia prone...you just don't know with a newborn and I would not risk it.

Change of shirt it is.

I was just trying to say to put it in perspective... in my example, DS had no health issues, saw the grandparents less than once a month, for a couple of hours, and spent most of that time in my arms not theirs, and saying anything would have potentially destroyed that relationship. I also mention it because it is impossible to control all of the (very serious, potentially deadly) hazards to our children, and it's easy to get so paranoid that it paralyzes you, or seriously harms family relationships, etc. I am not saying it is unreasonable to ask a visitor to change clothes (and it is a great suggestion, except who knows whether the new shirt was smoked in as well!), but certain visitors aren't going to be cool with that, and in some circumstances it may not be worth it -- just like many families decide to allow their children to eat artificial colors/flavors when the grandparents offer it, or eat a meal someone prepared in a nonstick skillet, or visit the aunt who sprays her home with bleach and lysol, or let great-grandma hold the baby even though she reeks of perfume, etc. All these things are hazards newborns & older babies will face and some will be 'worth the fight' and others won't... Smoking is probably the most obvious, well-accepted, researched-backed hazard (although around here, the third-hand smoke research is just starting to gain acceptance), but that doesn't mean it's the ONLY hazard nor the only time when you will be forced to make a choice that may cause rifts in the family... So I guess I'm saying tread carefully and look at the whole picture. (Sorry if this sounds weird at all, I'm actually very VERY anti-smoking despite how it may or may not come across here!)