Deciding whether to have another child

[Viriditas]

Hello All,

I'm having a tough time with this and hoping for some advice/BTDT/support...

DS is 5, hyperlexic, on the spectrum.  The last couple years have been really tough, but he is doing really great.  His communication, anxiety, oppositional tendencies, and overall happiness have improved dramatically over the last several months.  About the only area where we're still having regular headaches is with his digestive issues (he has chronic constipation and withholds his BMs).

For the first time since we've been together, DH and I are financially stable, with a plan to pay off all our high-interest debt within the next year.  We're both going to school pt and working from home, and miraculously, our freelance income is steady and enough to sustain us comfortably.

I'm doing post-bac work to prepare for a graduate degree in speech-language pathology, and I'm waiting to find out if I got into the program for next year.  I'm pretty sure I didn't, though.  It's a really competitive program and most people have to apply twice before they get in.

I've been thinking about having another baby for awhile now (something I never would have considered 2 years ago, due to our difficulties with DS), and I really feel like this is the perfect time.  I can delay graduate school for another 2-3 years (during which time my application will get stronger) and work part-time from home.  DH and I can share the parenting/housework pretty equally, which is what I've always wanted.  Our long-term plan is for him to be a stay-at-home dad and homeschool DS after I get my graduate degree, and that can stay the same.

I think that having a sibling would be really good for DS, both now and in the long run.  Right now, a sibling would help him develop his consideration of others and keep him from turning inward quite so often.  A few days ago I was up half the night worrying about what might happen if DS needs someone to look out for him his entire life.  What if he isn't capable of sustaining a relationship with a spouse/partner or having a family of his own?  Even if DH and I set him up financially after we're too old to take care of him or after we die, he'd still be all alone in the world.  I wouldn't expect a sibling to take responsibility for him on a day-to-day basis, but at the very least, it would be someone he could call if he needed help and someone who would make sure he was taking care of himself and getting his needs met.  He'd have someone who loved him looking out for him.

DH does not want another child.  He says that he's afraid he couldn't handle the stress of another one, and he's afraid of starting all over from the beginning.  He doesn't think he's a good enough parent to the child we have, and he's afraid having another would just make it worse.  I've told him that I don't think he should make this decision out of fear.  He hasn't changed his mind.

I'm having a really hard time accepting DH's decision on this.  He avoids doing SO many things out of fear (he has a lot of spectrum traits himself, though probably not severe enough for a diagnosis) and it's hard for me to see this as anything other than his fear of change.  My desire to have another baby is so strong, and my recent fears about DS's future are making it even stronger.

I know I can't force the decision on DH, so what do I do?  There's no compromise on this one.  Has anyone else been in this situation?

[Heavenly]

There are a lot of things that go into a decision of this magnitude but I did want to point out something, to make sure you've considered it.  My oldest child has multiple special needs.  He has bipolar disorder, multiple anxiety disorders, ADHD, and multiple learning disabilities.  He was not diagnosed until after we already had the other two so for us we weren't able to factor his disabilities into our decision.  So we've had two more children since him. And one thing we had hoped would never happen has happened.  Our littlest one is presenting with bipolar disorder and anxiety disorder as well.  She'll be assessed once she reaches 6 years old but there is really no doubt in our minds.  So my only advice for you is to think about how you will handle having TWO special needs kids.  Some days I think I will lose my mind.  Today Eliana was totally manic and Elijah has been really down and agitated and they were just feeding off each other, it was horrible.  I don't feel like I am able to give either one as much as attention as they seem to need, not to mention the fact that I have a "normal" child as well who needs her mommy.  I definitely love all my kids to death, but my advice is don't have another one until you are sure that you could handle whatever the new child brings.  Good luck with your decision!

P.S.  As crazy as my kids drive each other I know they love each other deeply and wouldn't want to be without one another.

[beachcomber]

If you and your spouse are at opposite ends of the decision to have a child, I think that there isn't much you could do on your own. If you really want to investigate the possibility, try to find some real life support groups for families on the spectrum in your area and meet people with more than one child that way. Also, look into family counseling.  You two have been through a lot with DS and even though he's doing well now, the strain of that can leave a negative mark on your self-image. Find a way to work through those challenges as a couple and you may find your spouse could become more open to trying for another child. It seems to me he has some unresolved emotional carnage that has come out of your struggles with DS and working those out may be the key.

[Viriditas]

Thank you both for your replies.  We have talked about what it would be like if we had another child with special needs.  I think we would be able to handle it, but DH isn't so sure.

I'm trying to let this go for now, but I'm so used to talking with DH about everything that comes into my head, and I'm finding it so hard not to bring up the subject.  I think about it every day.  I don't want him to feel pressured and end up agreeing to something that he will hate me for later.

I like the idea of helping DH work through unresolved emotions and tension.  He does tend to hold onto things.  It makes sense that he needs to work through his own baggage before he can figure out if he's up to the added responsibility, stress, and emotional investment that comes with another child.  Maybe I should stop focusing so much on my own needs and try to help him get his met.  :)