Parenting style change due to being single parent?

[scorpiosbliss]

I have been single parenting for a couple years, and have found it's often challenging to live up to the expectations of my former parenting style... I find I have become more authoritarian just to get all the things done in a days time. But the kiddo is resisting the power dynamic... which just spins us round and round. I don't want to make a lame excuse like, I wish I had more time but I'm a single mom... Is it really about being a single mom? How long can I make that excuse? ha! I'm sure some answers will come to me... but I'm really disappointed in myself and wonder if I need to realign my expectations with this single mom role?  Suggestions welcome!

[sparklefairy]

I don't know the specifics of what you're describing as 'authoritarian' but I can share that I have become much more structured since I've been a single parent, but I feel that my kids have responded positively. Others have commented that they seem more calm. The more I present life as "this is what's going to happen now and here's how it's going to happen," the better we all seem to feel. Of course, my old expectations were that I was there to do everything for them and they were somehow going to recognize and appreciate it and cooperation would magically follow so I might not be the one to talk too about concerns about being too authoritarian, because I find that the more directive I am and the less I go into lengthy explanations, the more smoothly life goes around here.

[scorpiosbliss]

yep, I think that's part of it... Not having time (or brain space) to explain the why's. I think that's ok... I just noticed that it has created a power struggle here. So I'm trying to navigate that more carefully.  I like to think I was structured before, except there was more cooperation or happiness to work together.  There are more variables now too. The idea that if you meet the need it is satisfied and no longer exists. But with divorce and all the associated transitions, plus general growing up... Hard to pin down what the need is, other than life is kinda tough right now and we just need to keep rolling with it. I guess I tend to forget that just because he is moaning and complaining doesn't mean I need to change what I'm doing?

[josybear]

i think my kids recognize, at least somewhat, that we're a team and i need their help and cooperation to get everything done. especially my oldest has a pretty extraordinary sene of responsibility, and they know that when i can i give them a break, but when i need them they'd better step up. it's just a whole different dynamic from when i was a sahm.

[scorpiosbliss]

was there a transition period? I mean, did they always help out, or did it take some time to get them onboard?

[Phoenix~Mama]

My kids are very young, so it is a bit different I think, as they can't help me a lot and become a team with me...  But yeah, I definitely lack time.  I hate that I feel like there is no time to snuggle with my DD, because when I get home, I have to hold the baby.  Sometimes I do carry them both, but even with the help of a sling, it KILLS my back.  And other things have to get done, such as making dinner, feeding the baby, cleaning up, bath time on some days, it's like this massive whirlwind to bed time.  I HATE it.  I hate that my DD begs to be held most of the night and I just don't have enough hands.

[sparklefairy]

Originally Posted by scorpiosbliss 

yep, I think that's part of it... Not having time (or brain space) to explain the why's. I think that's ok... I just noticed that it has created a power struggle here. So I'm trying to navigate that more carefully.  I like to think I was structured before, except there was more cooperation or happiness to work together.  There are more variables now too. The idea that if you meet the need it is satisfied and no longer exists. But with divorce and all the associated transitions, plus general growing up... Hard to pin down what the need is, other than life is kinda tough right now and we just need to keep rolling with it. I guess I tend to forget that just because he is moaning and complaining doesn't mean I need to change what I'm doing?

It's not that I never explain anything, it's more that I used to over-explain, I guess is what I'm trying to say. Or maybe more that I used to feel that if I wasn't sure that they understood the "why" or if I couldn't make it seem relevant to them, then it wasn't fair for me to ask it of them. Now I see the situation more that they are kids and don't always see the whole picture. Frankly, I don't think it makes a lot of sense to put away clean laundry... unless I see it from the perspective of knowing where stuff is, not being irritated finding things, and having smoother mornings. Oh, and that having a clean pile of laundry in my room invades my space and turns it into family property rather than the retreat for me that it should be. My kids don't always have that foresight, and I can understand it because I'm not great at that either. But whether it's relevant to them in the moment or not, I've explained it before, and what it comes down to now is that clean laundry needs to get put away.

I really smiled at your last sentence (bolding mine). That's been the hardest thing about parenting for me, personally, that my job is not to make sure that everyone is always happy. What I think is that complaining in the moment shouldn't change that moment, but that talking about it later, in a "what might work better next time" kind of way might be a better idea? I'm not okay with everything being a negotiation, but I'm okay with changing the way we do things if what we're doing isn't working. But on the way out the door at the last minute is not the time to talk about how fair it is that one kid carried x & y yesterday, why can't the other kid do it today?

[sparklefairy]

Oh, and I'd like to think that even if I were still primarily a SAHM that I would still expect them to contribute to the household. I see it as teaching them life skills. Mine are late elementary age. I don't think that I would be a SAHM at this point even if I were partnered.

Something I see when this comes up in college classes is that the students in their early 20s who claim they had to do "everything" because they had a single mom seem to get it, even if they complain.