A question I'm pondering...

[maxwill129]

Something that has happened in my personal life is making me ponder this:

Do you lose respect for or even judge people who do things differently than you or who make different choices than you?  If you homeschool, do you judge people who send their kids to public schools?  If you breastfeed, do you lose respect for a mom when you see her feeding her child a bottle?  Do you think your kids are better off than your friends' kids because you stay home and your friend works?  If you're a democrat, do you not want to listen to or take advice from someone you know is a republican? 

I've noticed in real life how much judging goes on or how moms I know say that can't respect other women who make different choices than what they choose.  I'm curious how other people feel? 

To answer my own question:  I don't think I judge or lose respect for other women for different choices.  I love having diverse friends.  I think breastfeeding is important, but recognize that not everyone chooses that.  I stay home but don't feel like my friend's kids are going to be emotionally scarred because she works.  I put my kids in public school but am proud of my friends that choose to homeschool.  And as a Christian, I have athiest friends.   I do want to have things in common with friends (although not all things need to be the same!) but I think even if I see a stranger I try and not judge. 

How about you?

[*clementine*]

I don't at all in the type of situations you described. They'd have to do something extreme for me to lose respect for them.

[rightkindofme]

Ok, see you are conflating two different issues.  There is judging.  Then there is losing respect for people.  Oh yeah I judge peoples decisions.  Darn skippy and all that.  I think that is kind of my obligation.  If I don't then how can I figure out my own stances on things?  However it isn't often that I lose respect for people who make a different choice.  People I respect most in the world make bad choices.  That's ok.  I make spectacularly bad choices at times.  I hope that people don't lose respect for me. 

And if they do then I hope it was a big enough *@#$ up to deserve it.  Not that petty stuff like you bring up here.  That's really pretty small in the scheme of things.  How someone else schools their child has no effect on me or mine.  Nor whether they follow a given church or not.  I can do my thing without those choices touching me so they aren't things I am terribly likely to gain or lose respect for someone based on if we are otherwise compatible. 

[maxwill129]

Yeah, I guess I meant judging to the point that you become self-righteous about how you do things.  I know it's a silly question, but recently I had someone tell me that there is no reason a christian should ever put their children in public school (I, as a christian, have my children in public school).  And then I saw something about people who were democrats who didn't want any advice a rebulican had to give them, even after asking for that advice. 

I guess we do judge.  And it is our obligation.  It's how we keep ourselves and our children safe and make a decision on who to vote for and how we decide what we believe or don't believe.  I just have been seeing some pretty blatant self-righteousness going on- you know, people preaching their beliefs (not talking religion here) to everyone and saying that they're right and everyone else is wrong.

[MusicianDad]

There are very few instances were someones beliefs will make me think less of them. All those instances involve some sort of obvious bigotry towards other. i.e. I lost all respect for someone I went to high school with when I found out (from her) that she would never willingly be friends with a non-Christian. "Sorry, lady but that's the kind of BS I can't stand."

[Italiamom]

Originally Posted by rightkindofme 

People I respect most in the world make bad choices.  That's ok.  I make spectacularly bad choices at times.  I hope that people don't lose respect for me.

I have friends who have made choices that I would NOT make for my son.  But while I think those choices were terrible, there are a lot of ways in which I think they are better parents than I.  would agree that there's a huge difference between making small, silent judgments, and crossing lines of respect.

OP, I'm sorry you're running into a situation where you're getting preached at.  That's hard.  Even when we're 100% confident in our decisions, personal attacks on choices make us question ourselves.  There are a lot of days where I'm just trying to do the best I can, and the best I can isn't ideal.  I try to remember that when measuring others against my own beliefs.

But I think rightkindofme has a good point.  We ALL judge others.  It's how we arrive at our own beliefs of what is right and wrong, good and bad, etc.  The key is knowing how to keep your trap shut, mind your own business, and understanding that what works for one, doesn't work for others.  And that small decisions don't make or break being a good parent.  Nursing, religion, politics, or education, is just one small part of the parenting puzzle. 

I think that anyone who says they don't judge others is lying through their teeth.  But I think that there's a way to compassionately and silently judge others, while still remembering that one piece of the puzzle isn't the whole puzzle.

[Agatha_Ann]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad 

There are very few instances were someones beliefs will make me think less of them. All those instances involve some sort of obvious bigotry towards other. i.e. I lost all respect for someone I went to high school with when I found out (from her) that she would never willingly be friends with a non-Christian. "Sorry, lady but that's the kind of BS I can't stand."

This is how I feel too. I think it is wonderful and stimulating the have relationships with people who don not necessarily hold the same values I do. As long as these things are able to be communicated with mutual respect and without the constant attempt to convert on another to our own way of thinking, I am fine. I had a professor once who said you can never truly have an opinion until you understand the opposite side so well you could argue their point and convince someone of that opinion. I try to always keep this in mind.

[limabean]

The things you mentioned don't even hit my radar as something to lose respect over. I do feel that my choices are right for myself and my family, but that doesn't invalidate the idea of other choices being right for other families, as long as we're talking about the minor stuff you mentioned and not outright abuse or neglect. If someone made the choice to not change their baby's diaper for 3 days, then yeah, I'd think my way was better. But if someone chose formula instead of BFing, I'd just think thank goodness there's another option for mothers who want/need it. That doesn't meant that I don't believe that breast is best, but I would never in a million years put down the other mom's choice or try to get her to reconsider her decision. 

People who get militant/evangelical/whatever you want to call it about issues like that always seem immature to me. I remember feeling that way about little things when I was in my teens and early 20s, and I'm so glad to be (starting to move) past that rush to judgment, having to "prove" over and over why your way is best/right/good, and going about that by putting down other people's choices. It feels so much better to acknowledge that I don't know everything, and can still learn from people, and don't have all the answers, and don't do everything best. What a relief! 

[Adaline'sMama]

I know its not my best quality, and yes, its something that I am trying to work on, but I totally lose respect for people when they make choices that I wouldnt make. IF I know why and disagree with their reasoning for making those choices. For example, I have a friend that stopped breastfeeding when her DD was 3 months old because she just couldnt deal with her breast "being something besides playtoys" for her DH. I sure did judge that comment and lost respect for her because of her actions. IMO, my thought was, "Grow up, you are a mama now, boobies arent just for you and DH anymore." I sort of lost contact with her over the past couple of years, and I ran into her recently only to see her almost 3 yo (was the same babe from before) with drinking a bottle. None of my business. I have no idea why her 3 yo still drinks out of a bottle. Didnt judge about it, but its something I dont understand since DD has never taken a bottle and we are going stop givng the sippy with the rubber mouthpiece at a year.

I feel like there are a lot of desicions I make that other people could judge if they wanted too as well. I feel like mothers should try hard to ban together instead of being so judgy, but that is harder said than done.

[maxwill129]

Thanks, everyone.  I don't know why I started this thread, but thinking about this question for days and days has been driving me crazy.  I realized that I do want friend who share a lot of same ideas with me- that's what makes us friends, the fact we have things in common.  But I don't feel like the fact that someone isn't christian or someone homeschools their kid should keep us from being friends.  I guess I was just wondering what the general consensus is on the whole subject.  I don't want to act like I'm a goody-goody (because I do agree that we all judge) but I also wasn't sure if I'm being stupid for feeling like this person in my life has pretty much slapped me in the face with her preachy comments.  I have had a chance to talk to this person and know she's going through a lot of crap, so I'm trying to be understanding. 

Anyway, thanks.  I appreciate everyone responding!