How diligent are you in checking out the friends homes/parents/parenting?

[HollyBearsMom]

When my son was young this was a non issue. I either knew the parents really well (already friends pre-kids) or it was pretty normal for the parents to stay and catch up while the kids played.

My son s now 9 and is making friends at school, hockey, TKD and being invited to "play dates" at home with families I know nothing about. Trust me, I am not shy so I have no problem asking questions about number of siblings and ages, guns in the home, leaving kids unsupervised/home alone, etc. My son travels with an epi pen so I have to talk about safety anyway so it a natural segway (sp?) but I am beginning to to feel like "one of those parents". 

I am also the parent that walks my kids to the door if I have never met the parents (ie: only spoken on the phone). I think its important to meet face/face. I make sure they have my cell phone number in case the play date goes south and let them know I'll come and get him anytime.

My son has also started having sleepovers but so far just at our house, he has said he is not ready to sleep away from home yet.  I know that day is coming so I think being diligent is still really important.  Sure they could get into "trouble" during day just as easily as during the night but I guess my childhood is coloring my view.  I got drunk for the first time at age 13 when a friends 18 year old brother shared his blackberry brandy with us. The parents were asleep upstairs. Years later I found out that the other friend at sleepover ended up in a pretty bad place with older brother after we passed out.

What are your thoughts on this? Is this being too over protective? Am I one of those dreaded "helicopter" parents?  Should I be trusting my kids instincts more-meaning if he wants to play with the kid all is good?

Parents with "tweens" and younger teenagers- did you ever ever stop following up on their friends?

[mom2happy]

You are not being over protective at ALL. You are taking your job as a parent seriously and being responsible.

[happysmileylady]

Parent of a 15 yr old girl.

I think at some point you HAVE to stop following up, or at least drastically slow it down.  There's a line between being a protective parent and being an intrustive parent.  And I think that generally, as the child gets older, that line moves towards less and less questions and involvement.  With a teen, crossing that line can result in more bad behaior than if you never ask the questions.

Really, that's kinda how parenting works.  As our kids move towards adulthood, we are raising them to be their own people, making their own decisions and judgements (and mistakes) about who they hang out with.  So of course, gradually as the kids get older, you stop following up.

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Parents with "tweens" and younger teenagers- did you ever ever stop following up on their friends?

[HollyBearsMom]

Thanks for the responses!  I am have been feeling/made to feel overly protective recently so this has been on my mind a lot.

Whats funny is that on this board I seem to be one of the moms that is pretty free range with her kid.  My son plays alone, unsupervised and outside all the time and has since a very young age. We have never been a "big talk" type of family but instead have talked about sex, race, our bodies, "stranger danger", how to handle getting lost, dialing 911, etc as part of everyday life. The details have changed as he has gotten older and had more questions on his own but no topic is taboo in our home. 

However IRL the moms around me don't talk about these big topics unless something happens. Just last night some of the TKD moms went and grabbed coffee during a practice and the moms of the girls said they had not even begun talking about sex, menstruation, etc yet because it was "too early".  The girls are 8-10. The moms of the boys were all "I am so glad I have a boy so I don't have to deal with these talks". I said what about puberty, erections and they all balked and said they would leave that to their husbands to deal with later.

However they do drop there kids off at my house without ever meeting me. One mom literally pulled up, dropped off her son and drove away. We never even heard the car and didn't know he was here until we heard him enter the house and call out. He said his mom was in a rush to get her errands done and would call later.  She called 5 hours later.  The kid didn't know his moms cell phone so I had no way of getting in touch with her. I have since had this boy over multiple times and have yet to really "meet" her. She just drops and runs.

Last time I dropped him off at home only to discover no one was home. In defense of the boy he seemed fine with it and said he was used to it but I could not in good conscience just leave a 9 year old boy alone with out at least checking with the mom. By now I have the moms cell so I called her and she said her 17 year old would be home in 15-20 minutes so I stayed until he got there- an hour and half later. She did not argue when I said I would stay but you could tell she thought I was being way over protective. 

It will be interesting to navigate these water as he gets older and I am sure I will "let go" but at 9 and I am not prepared to drop him at the home of relative strangers yet.

[babymommy2]

Do you fell differnt about a one on one time vs. birthday party?  I've let my child go on playdates starting in Kindergarten with school friends whose parents I know nothing more than a polite conversation at pick up time. We moved to a new community and invited all the boys in class, most of whose parents I had never met, they all came but one. Some of the families car pooled, so I didn't meet some of the parents, all the parents that dropped off came to the door and I spoke to for a few minutes, so they really dont' know me at all. In the 2 communities I've lived in the switch from parented to unparented play date has been K. I am interested to hear how others navigate this as well. Unless you know the person really well as a friend, you really don't know what goes on in that home even if the parents seem okay from some superficial conversations. I think the best you can do is to make sure your child knows they can call you at anytime to leave.  I just cannot imagine asking the parents if they have guns or if they intend to leave my child alone while at their house, or if they are into drugs, or anything like that. I dont' really worry about that at this age yet anyways (7), but I just can't imagine asking that. What is somone going to say, yes! we are going to let your child have a gun and leave the house. Do people really ask that? I would be really offended if some parent asked me those questions.

[HollyBearsMom]

Do you fell differnt about a one on one time vs. birthday party? 

Around here B-day parties are supervised affairs that last no more than 2-3 hours, with games and such so I have no issue with not knowing the parents well. I do make a point of walking my son in and introducing myself and giving the parents my cell number. Again, he travels with an epipen so I *have* to make sure the parents are aware and willing to administer if needed. If they aren't I either have to stay or we have to leave. While he can administer it himself if his reaction is severe he is going to need someone else to do it

Unless you know the person really well as a friend, you really don't know what goes on in that home even if the parents seem okay from some superficial conversations.

My point exactly. I can't get a "gut check" if we have never had more than a Hello, How are you.

I just cannot imagine asking the parents if they have guns or if they intend to leave my child alone while at their house, or if they are into drugs, or anything like that. I dont' really worry about that at this age yet anyways (7), but I just can't imagine asking that. What is somone going to say, yes! we are going to let your child have a gun and leave the house. Do people really ask that? I would be really offended if some parent asked me those questions.

See I have no issue with asking these kinds of questions. Its not as if I am asking if they will let their kids play with the guns and leave them unattended while they do so.  There is a little thing called diplomacy.

A parents reaction is a pretty good indicator. Have you ever read Protecting the Gift?

[sdm1024]

I have no problem asking about guns/firearms. We recently had a death of a 12 year old from an accidental gunshot firing from a friend.

We've been fortunate - our community has a small elementary school, and frequently involves parents, so I've gotten to know a few from going to classroom events. Also, my son usually plays with the same three boys in the neighborhood - all whose parents I've had the opportunity to chat with while just hanging around the area. Also, most of the family's around here also frequent the Y, so I''ve talked to the parents there as well.

I usually like to have kids over my house first....I find I can get a feel for folks when they come to drop off/pick up their child. I usually invite them in, offer tea/coffee etc while their kid and my kid finish playing etc.

There is one family where I limit how often my son goes over there. The child is always welcome here, but I'm simply more comfortable with them playing at my house.

I will say tho, that it should be interesting next year as my daughter goes to the middle school and that school is very large, so she will be meeting a whole host of kids whose parents I have no clue about.

[meemee]

HBM i am one of those moms who have been dropping off their children at 7 years old without really knowing the parents. perhaps it will help you with some answers if you know why i would do so.

1. my most important factor is my dd's intuition. she has a sense about people. and i dont mean hokey pokey stuff - but she really picks up on people. much better than i do (i used to be better at her age and am still pretty good). i trust her judgement completely. 

2. the school itself she goes to. if we went to our neighbourhood school i would be definitely be like you. but this is a special public school where you test in to get in. the parents are all professionals and all the children are pretty well adjusted (in dd's grade). having volunteered a lot in the first two grades i know a lot of the kids a lot and have had a chance to peek into their family lives (they offered not me needling). so none of the kids stand out to me having something off. the parents all look like they know safety measures and are caring caregivers to any kids. 

3. the school has morning assembly so i have seen  a lot of the parents. plus i notice other parents too do a lot of playdates with them. 

4. plus just the kind of kids dd wants to play with or vice versa. since first grade (she is in 3rd) the kids she's wanted to hang out with, i've always enjoyed the parents. the parents who love hunting and deep sea fishing - those who are more into adventure sports (not saying that is a bad thing) my dd doesnt hang out with their kids too much. plus there are friendships with each other and i watch out which kind of kids hang out with which kind and which parents hang out with which parents and you know one set of parents so u trust their judgement and indirectly you know the other parents. 

but no i've never asked about guns or leaving kids alone.

but you do what you have to do to feel safe.

there are some parents at dd's school who are like you and then there are many who are like me. i guess whatever works for the family.